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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

7 year old DS refusing to kiss or be kissed (except by DH!)

17 replies

mckenzie · 02/06/2009 16:34

DS, 7 nearly 8, has been refusing to be kissed by me or anyone else for that matter except for DH. He also refuses to kiss anyone, again except for DH.
I could understand perhaps if this was for in the playground, at football etc but this is at any time, even when i tuck him into bed.
He still does cuddles but kissing has become a huge no-no. We have no idea why but it upsets me no end (although I try not to show this).

Anyone else had this experience? Half of me thinks 'it's a phase, it will pass' but the other half of me is concerned that I am missing something on perhaps a deeper level.

TIA

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ahundredtimes · 02/06/2009 17:33

I don't think you're missing something on a deeper level really. I think he's just aware perhaps that he's growing-up and thinks that being kissed by his mum is 'babyish'

I really, really wouldn't worry too much. I think he's just trying to work out how this goes, he'll get it soon enough. You can always take a quick dive for his cheek and tell him you couldn't resist!

You just need to get inventive. I have found back tickling v. good at such times.

merlin · 02/06/2009 17:51

My 8 yr old went through a phase of this but now he asks for a cuddle at bedtime and i can even sneak in a kiss!!

My 4yr old is a different matter! Only kisses and hugs from Dh - I have to pin him down. Hopefully he will grow out of it!!

Original poster

mckenzie · 02/06/2009 17:58

thanks ahundredtimes. I've tried the sneaky one a few times but I always come off worse (he very nearly broke my glasses the last time). However, before I replied to this I did go and sit next to him while he was having 10 mins on his DS, put my arm around his back and got in close to see what he was playing. I then sneaked two kisses and he didn't even comment!! I think that says more about how much he loves his DS time though.

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Original poster

mckenzie · 02/06/2009 18:00

sorry Merlin, I started my reply before I saw yours. Thanks for your comments too. Sorry to hear about your 4 year old though. My 4 year old, albeit a DD, will kiss anybody and everybody at least 5 times (nose, forehead, cheek, other cheek, chin etc etc. Bedtime takes forever!)

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quinne · 02/06/2009 18:04

My Ds, 6 nearly 7 has been like this too for about a year or so, except no one is allowed to kiss him. Once I kissed him when he was sleeping and even wiped that one off without even waking! I hope he grows out of it, but if he doesn't then I don't think there is anything that can be done.

Original poster

mckenzie · 04/06/2009 21:20

so, on tuesday evening I got really upset with DS when he pushed me away and threw my toys out of the pram a bit . I told him how upset it made me and how if he wanted me to be nice to him and buy him a super super birthday present then i needed him to be nice to me and kiss me sometimes and let me kiss him.

Wednesday night, he came up to me and asked to kiss me!!!!!!! Did it twice! And I kissed him.
Today I think I've received three kisses and given 4. I'm a happy mum again. He won't kiss DD though but I don't think she actually minds, she just thinks he's silly

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BiscuitStuffer · 04/06/2009 22:06

This may sound wierd but about that age I suddenly became aware that kissing dad was on a par with kissing a man and that didn't feel right and was wierd and as if i was committing some sort of wierd incest thing...... not sure if that helps.

Also - I do that that kisses that are freely given are worth having. Those that aren't (for whatever reason) just aren't and shoudln't be pushed for to satisfy your own needs. OP - I know that you aren't doing this!!!

BiscuitStuffer · 04/06/2009 22:08

bums - I meant 'I do think that kisses that are freely given are worth having'.

I'm a gel, so kissing dad was opposite sex etc etc.....witter witter

littlejacksmum · 04/06/2009 22:09

I think you are possibly reading too much into it (though good on you to be careful) he is probably just starting to grow up (such a shame at such a young age!) and thinking that its "uncool" or "babyish" don't worry.

Original poster

mckenzie · 04/06/2009 22:10

I agree BS. I was concerned that i was only getting the kiss because DS thinks that kisses = birthday present. But today, I got a bit hot under the collar as DD was being a pickle and he came up and cuddled me and actually said 'let me give you a kiss mum to make you feel better'. It was fantastic and just like the old days. So perhaps it is just a phase that will soon pass. Fingers crossed.

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saintmaybe · 04/06/2009 22:23

I'm a bit uncomfortable with that kind of bribery/ blackmail for kisses tbh, prob just my issue though!

Just a thought; could it be a sensory thing? Only, my ds finds kisses hard because he's got a really acute sense of smell, and he also has a terror of getting saliva on his skin (and I'm really not a stinky, drooly person, honest).

Looks like it might just be a passing phase, though, as you say. Glad you're feeling better about it.

BiscuitStuffer · 04/06/2009 22:25

I agree. I too feel uncomfortable with holding a birthday present to ransom for physical affection.

Original poster

mckenzie · 05/06/2009 08:33

It was said in a jokey way guys, not a serious piece of blackmail .

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saintmaybe · 05/06/2009 10:16

snigger · 05/06/2009 10:22

DD did, and to an extent still does, exactly this.

She was quite forthright about it - "I don't like kisses anymore", and we just casually asked if there was any special reason why not, she said no (although I suspect a disastrous saliva-laden cheek-hit from my Gran may have been to blame).

I said to her that I thought kisses were important to show we love each other, and we compromised on hugs.

It's a bit when she meets family after a while apart and states "You can't kiss me but you can hug me as much as you want".

Maybe it's just exercising a little control over their environment, maybe they genuinely just don't like kisses - as long as you're still tactile, warm and affectionate I think the less of a deal you make of it, the sooner it'll pass.

DD now accepts kisses from immediate family

Original poster

mckenzie · 06/06/2009 07:34

thanks snigger for your experiences. It sounds similar.

When DS greets or says goodbye to grandparents, aunts etc he now cuddles them in such an awkward way to make sure that no kisses are planted that it spoils the cuddle (if you can use your imagination and picture that ).
I am more relaxed about it now just having heard other comments from you guys so hopefully that will feed through.
DD starts school in September (lots going on now re that, play dates, meetings etc) so perhaps I'm just very aware at the moment that our children are growing up and I have interpreted that as growing away . My fault entirely and I need to keep it all in perspective.

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Dearthworm · 06/06/2009 07:47

My DS1 went through a long phase like this, at about the same age. A couple of years I think!

I thought at the time that it really was the end -- that he would never want cuddles from me again.

But now he is still quite cuddly, at age 13. His cuddles are rather stiff and awkward; he always puts his head down rather than look at me, one of lots and lots of signs that make me wonder whether he is very slightly Aspergers-y.

I think that during the non-cuddle phase he was in a way very angry with me, because somehow I could never be the 100% available, 100% controlled-by-him mother that he wanted: he was at an age to realise that the fantasy all-comforting mother of infancy was not really there. That still makes him angry I think.

DS2 is the opposite. He has always zoomed up for cuddles at every opportunity, and often says 'love you lots!' when he cuddles. And he kisses me smack on the lips! (He does sometimes look both ways before cuddling at school though, like he was about to cross the road, to check that it is safe to cuddle.)

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