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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Help with my nearly 4 year old

9 replies

tommypickles · 31/05/2009 23:03

My son is nearly 4, and yes I admit it I have totally spoilt him. He has always had exactly what he's wanted when it comes to new toys, particular types of food etc, but never where bad behaviour is concerned. He always knew there is a certain way to behave and what is acceptable, but now he's turned into a little monster!!!!!!!! See also my post in "sleep", so he hasn't been sleeping well for a couple of weeks but I don't think that's the whole issue. He is soooooooo demanding, wanting attention all the time and his own way. Naughty step etc doesn't work, but then I don't really agree with it anyway, then whole counting to 10 buisness doesn't work either. Everything is a battle, he will not do anything he doesn't want to and that's it........what can I do???

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Original poster

tommypickles · 31/05/2009 23:05

Should also mention that this behaviour isn't only since the bad sleep, it's got progressivly worse for the last few months

OP posts:

cookielove · 31/05/2009 23:07

could you try a sticker chart for good behaviour, with a treat at the end of the week for lots of stickers. or removal of toys for really bad behaviour, so he can see all his actions have a consequence whether they are good or bad

risingstar · 31/05/2009 23:10

sorry, no easy way around this! you need to crack down on what is acceptable and not. And 4 is a classic age for pushing the boundaries. my dd1 was not spoilt but was a total trial at this age. i did a lot of ignoring bad behaviour and praising good behaviour ( quite often through gritted teeth). She was well behaved outdoors and saved being appalling for my benefit, which i suppose was better in some ways. i also think that there is a time to stop pandering to every wish. i think it was about this age that i stopped offering choices at meals and said this is your meal ( underlaying meaning; eat or starve. same with clothes etc, i just stopped negotiating and decided i was in charge! it was grim for a bit, but worth it.

by the way she is now a lovely 14 year old

Original poster

tommypickles · 31/05/2009 23:11

dosen't work, we have rewarded with toys, all he does is stay good long enough to get them and then goes back! haven't tried taking them away, but don't think it would bother him to be honest, he is so stuborn, I've never known anything like it

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Original poster

tommypickles · 31/05/2009 23:15

Risingstar, thanks, I did have simular episodes with my daughter too when she was small but not as bad and I did everything that I'm trying with my son, but he's too stuburn. He get so upset when I come down hard on him and it breaks my heart, he even asks me if I still love him, I think to myself I can't do that to him. I can't make him question my love for him

OP posts:

cookielove · 31/05/2009 23:17

i guess it depends on how firm you want to be, i agree with risingstar, he's older enough to understand that mummy means buisness, and def about the dinner issue he doesn't eat what you cook then he doesn't eat and so on. I would try removing toys, from, just to see if it had an effect, espcially if it is favoured toys, i'm not saying remove a comforter if he has one, but you could remove toys, and treats e.g going to the park, or you could just completly ignore him when he's being a monster, obviously not if he's getting in danager because he maybe enjoyng all the attention he gets when he plays up

pranma · 01/06/2009 10:05

Classic response to emoyional blackmail,'Of course I still love you,I will always love you but I dont like the way you are behaving at the moment'.Then walk away from confrontation-choose your battles and be absolutely firm.If he doesnt eat his meal he goes hungry.Give NO attention for negative behaviour just go into aother room and try to ignore him after telling him you will listen when he asks nicely.If what he wants isnt reasonable say so-once.Then let him have his tantrum on his own.My dd was the world's worst at that age-she once demanded we 'switch off the sun' as it was making her hot and went into meltdown[on a bus when we couldnt comply!

saintmaybe · 01/06/2009 10:37

No, it is ok for him to question it, and important for you BOTH to know that your love is NOT bound up with refusing him nothing. If you buy in to that it doesn't reassure him, the opposite I think. Rather he and you need to know that: You love him. If he's easy; you love him. He's harder work; you love him. You buy him something he wants; you love him. You say 'no'; you love him. If he cries; you love him. It's ok to be the parent, there will be things he prefers, and if he doesn't get them it doesn't mean you don't love him. You need to believe that too, though. The other thing is that we're all responsible for our own emotions. It's ok for him to be cross or sad or whatever, but it prob won't change anything, so he might as well be happy instead. Works for us.

thedolly · 01/06/2009 11:06

He needs to understand that other people have feelings/desires/needs too - not just him. You can teach children this in many ways but buying/giving them everything they want is not one of them. Try putting yourself first for a change - talk to him about your needs. He is just about old enough to begin to empathise.

Good luck.

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