Bedtime tantrums, now both of us are crying, vomit everywhere, screaming child, help me please....?

[BlueBumedFly]

I really hope that someone can help me, I am having a really bad time of it at the moment.

Life is in a nutshell pretty darn rubbish although I know I have a shed load to be grateful for. So, top line, FIL is sadly passing away very slowly, SDD has had a year of peanut desensitisation which is marvelous but has its own set of challenges. Other SDD has had spine surgery, again, lots of challenges most of which are upsetting although the light at the end of the tunnel is that she is getting so much better and will be better within the next 9 months.

Little DD (2 this week) has struggled with all of these changes and comings and goings. DH away most weekends at his parents which means DD is with me all of the time at weekends. She goes to Nursery for 3 days in the week, which she loves and is with my Mum for one day. I work 4 days.

So, enough babbling. Bedtime has become a total and utter nightmare. She was always excellent at going to bed, has slept through the night since 16 weeks. It has been getting worse and worse over the last few weeks, one more book, one more story, one more song. Tonight was the end of the road.

We went up as normal but she started crying straight away. Did not want to sleep in her bag so I got her duvet out. Nice. Did milk, did stories, then the crying started. Screaming, shouting. I went back in and comforted as best I could, tried not to get angry but must sadly admit I did in the end.

Picked her up again, did one more rendition of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, put her down, she would not lie down so I left her standing. She cried, I left her for 5 minutes, then she vomited. Went back in almost in tears myself, changed her, did another cup of milk, no stories this time. Put her down, more tears, tried to comfort, left her for 2 mins and she went to sleep finally.

PLEASE someone give me some advice, where am I going wrong. Is there too much choice in her room (toys and books) - should I take these out and just offer 1 or 2 books then be firm it is bedtime.

Please help, I don't want a child that you see on Super Nanny!!!

imvho there is no such thing as "giving in" with upsets like this. If it's purely a dislike the bedtime it's different, but if there's other stuff going on behind the scenes that may be making her more clingy, in my experience it goes away faster if you go with it rather than trying to fight it.

I stay with ds until he falls asleep usually. It takes 10 mins tops. If I leave the room bedtime takes over an hour. When he's bigger we'll gently move away from it but for now he gets anxious if he's left by himeself to fall asleep. I really don't see the problem with it - and I'll sit with him and hold his hand every night for another year if he needs me to if it means he's happy and bedtime is only 10 mins! I stopped thinking about what I "should" be doing (ie in other people's opinion) a long time ago.

On the other hand I find it immensely comforting to remember that everything is a phase and will pass, you just have to help them through it sometimes.

OK, great. Just above DDs bed is a shelf full of fluffies, I used to distract her away from the books by saying night night to the fluffies, once they had all been hugged and put back it was time to go into the cot. I am going to try that again tonight!

I'm not sure if this has been suggested, but i/we had this probelm with dd1 with the one more book.

So we bought a cheap cd player (around £10) and some story cd so now we do one book and then night night and put on the story cd for to listen to while she goes to sleep.

OK, so here we are. I took a very softly softly approach all evening, watched the entire Pepper Pig DVD together, had toast, full on play with the water while we did hands, face, teeth etc. Then I sung whilst she drunk her milk instead of me reading and then we did 3 books that she choose (well, same book 3 times). Then I stuck to the broken record, we are sleeping now, we are sleeping now. I offered to sit and stroke her head but she refused to lie down, offered again, refused again so we had another pick up cuddle and I sung Baa Baa Blacksheep and Twinkle Twinkle which were her choices. Put her back down, gave her the new night lite which is one you can take into bed and hold (makes it really bright in there!) and said Night Night, I would be back in 1 minute as I was going to the loo.

She cried all through that minute. I went back in, picked her up and sung again, gave another cuddle, put her back down and offered to sit whilst she fell asleep and stroke her head but she refused. So, I said I was going downstairs but would come back in 10 minutes and check. She started to cry and I left her sitting up with her toys saying night night love you etc. After then she started to chat to her new light and her new Pepper Pig toy that I bought her today.

She is not in the grobag as that seems to make things worse, I have put her in very snuggly PJs and there is a duvet in the cot. She is now chatting quite happily.... for the moment. This is much later than I would like as she has nursery tomorrow but I am going to live with it.

At no time did I get upset with her or stressed or angry just kept it very light etc etc.

So,.... what now. Do I wait whilst she is happy and let her fall asleep go in later and cover her up?

I have never had to do this. At 16 weeks she went through the night and has always just gone to bed very happily without fuss until this last week. It feels very strange to be honest.

I get I just wait and see now? Help! I know people said to stay in there but it is not something I have ever done and whilst she is chatting and playing and not crying am I not better allowing her to settle herself down?

Many thanks in advance! xx

LizzieMum - I do like that idea, I might try to get a nice lullerby CD that only lasts for 20 mins or so to put on. Do you think that would help?

hows it going BBF?

Well, its calmer here...

I have told her to say ni nites to her teddies, and tell them not to keep her awake..lol

we shall see, i have let her have a more relaxed aproach this is plan a..lets see if it works..if not were revert to plan b

hope it goes well for us x

t875, I think she is asleep!!

I was very much more relaxed and chilled even if she was crying at times. I left her sitting up with the night light and a load of bears....it is all quiet.I need to go in and put the duvet over her but I am too scared!!

So much change, she has never slept the whole night under a duvet but the sight of the sleeping back sent her into hysterics so I went for the more relaxed option! Eeek.

I did the ni nites to bears too, and 59 renditions of Baa Baa Black Sheep!

This is weird, I have never ever experienced the likes of this at bedtime, I feel we have regressed not progressed!

T875, sorry, pressed return too early. So, well done you. Did you have tears or was it much better tonight?

We find it does we have a collection of different story cd's with books which can read then put the cd on and we also have some nursery/lullaby cd's (from the early learning centre) which we also use. I think that she just needs a 'bit' of company when going to sleep so she doesn't feel alone if that makes sense.

OK great, will try that. I am desperate to go up and check on her but don't want to jinx it. Will wait until 8.30pm and that means she has been in bed an hour... it has been quiet for about 25 mins now.....

hi bbf- nah she is still awake, quiet though..but im up here. Do i stay up here or go down stairs now..i have just succombed (sp) to thinking the next few nights might well help her..

wish me luck, i think i'm going to go down stairs, she is soo not going to get over this her getting what she wants all the time.

Glad its working for you!!! Well done!

Well done BBF, it sounds like you had a much calmer evening this evening, I think that if it felt right to leave her as she was happily chatting then that was the right thing to do. dd used to chat herself to sleep without me in the room (before she moved out of the cot) and now on nights when she is not so sleepy that she falls asleep while I'm singing, then I will normally leave the room at some point too (with the promise to be back - and I still go back and kiss her and say good night again even if she has fallen asleep while I've been gone).

I hate it when dd and I get out of sync with each other, and things seem to become a struggle that just weren't an issue before. Then, somehow, just when you think you can't take any more, something else changes and you realise that you are ticking along nicely again.

MY DD is 3 but we have had a period of change recently (new baby, new nursery, DH working away in the week etc) and t has affected the nights. I find it helps to tell her exactly what we will be doing i.e. 'you'll have dinner then play for a short while then wees, teeth, bath, stories then bed' and keep repeating until you get to the bed bit only

Oh I promise to check on her in 5 mins (she doesn't understand time but she gets the message!) which I do then again after 10mins. The routine and consistency helps them through hard patches I think.

t875 - you downstairs yet....? Did you creep really really quietly? I have just been in and she was fast asleep with the night lite under one arm and the clever little pickle had even gotten under the duvet. Granted her head is mushed up against the headboard but I will move her later when she is REALLY asleep.

Any progress your end?

Biccy - Thank you. It did feel right to leave her as that is what has always happened. She has gone down without a problem then sung herself to sleep. I think we are out of sync at the moment which is sad. If I look in deep I know it is my fault as my stress has been showing but at least I am doing something about it now

no such luck bbf! She caught me creeping downstairs and started sniffing saying "oh her nose hurt and could i blow it" grrr!

I dont think it will be much longer though i hope

great news for you, im so pleased it worked out tonight! Thanks for your support! x

t875, darn those pesky creaky stairs!! Hope she drifts off soon, well done you for being so strong and keeping it so calm.

Check in again tomorrow night? Thanks too for your support, much appreciated. xx

BBF - just seen this thread - you have been so kind to me on my other thread! Just thought it worth mentioning that I think they all go through these funny phases.

One thing I found useful was to keep a tally of how many days changed behaviour goes on for. It often feels like forever, when sometimes, it's say, 5 nights, or a week. When you actually look at it (ticks on a chart) it puts it into perspective.

I remember DD (now 3.5 as you know!) would say EVERY night before lights out "but mummy, I'm not tired". It started out of nowhere and it became an almost laughable auto response to end of story time and lights out. I think it went on for 3 weeks, then suddenly just stopped.

Ditto, we have weeks where she'll wake a couple of times a night, and then periods of blissful unbroken sleepfullness.

She is very much at that pushing boundaries stage, so I'm not surprised she's pushing for more stories, songs etc. I used to indulge if I wasn't too tired.

These things shall pass. Good luck to you.

Hi sycamoretree - welcome to my thread, thanks for coming over!

I like the idea of a chart to keep you sane, I am going to start one right now I am on the laptop. It is just such a shock but I know you are right, these things change back as quick as they start.

It is so hard working and being a mummy sometimes eh? I try so hard to be everything to all men or whatever the saying is, sometimes I just run out of patience and poor DD must have got the brunt of it, I do feel really guilty as I look back and realise I did this. Hey ho, nobody said it would be easy! It is just with everything else going on I have sort of lost the plot a bit!

she's asleep!!! woohoo!

Had to go back and forth and sternly tell her
"time for bed now sweet dreams" no other interaction I done this about 3 times.

Thank gawd for that! My evening starts! lol!

Nice glass of wine coming over to you T875!

t875, darn those pesky creaky stairs!! Hope she drifts off soon, well done you for being so strong and keeping it so calm.

Check in again tomorrow night? Thanks too for your support, much appreciated. xx

Your welcome, thanks for yours!

yeah a lot calmer tonight! Drives ya crazy doesnt it! Swear the loonie bin was calling me!

You just forget about the things that worked when they were babies etc..going in stroking head saying ni nites and walking away, i think we were so to speak expecting drastic changes with her where she wasnt budging. I think tonight and sounds like you did too got a good level between you and your little one.

ill check in tomorrow. Hope we get on ok tomorrow night the same! x

BBF, please don't blame yourself. There is a strong common theme from posters on this thread that all our dc's go through something like this at least once. Life happens, and we all have to keep adjusting to its ebbs and flows, including our children; I really don't see it as a question of you having caused this - you are just being a good mum, sitting back, saying 'something has changed, it's not working the way it did, what can I do to find a new way that does work?'; it's what we're all doing, all the time. I hate to think of you feeling guilty. Have you read 'what mothers do, especially when it looks like nothing'?

Already one by the side of me!
Ill send one your way!!

I'm so glad tonight went well for you. Now you know she can do it and she knows she can do it! Just follow the same pattern over the coming nights, although allow for some setbacks - these things are never plain sailing, are they!

Pour yourself a glass of Tuesday wine and enjoy the rest of the evening!