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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

My poor 10yo DD has her first period .....

61 replies

2sugarsandapuppy · 25/04/2009 07:09

... well, first after a brownish smudge last month, and it's really quite heavy. She refused to talk about it and the night before last went to bed with knickers on and a load of bog roll stuffed up her fanjo. (I only know this because she asked for a back rub when she went to bed.)

She has a class this morning and has been invited to a friend's house for a sleepover immediately afterwards. I should also have said that when I showed her he pant liners (after having taken a sharp intake of breath about how to tackle it) she went off in a complete huff and refused to talk about it.

Yesterday, bless her, she came back from school with knickers and (thankfully she was wearing them) tights soaked.

I can't get out to the shops before this bloody class starts. What to do about the sleepover?

TIA

OP posts:

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lilymolly · 25/04/2009 07:25

Oh bless her

Its a very adult thing to cope with at 10.

Sounds like she is not handling it very well, which is a not surprising.

I would cancel the sleepover, to avoid embarrassment, for her, and try to get her to open up to you, to discuss hygiene.

SoupDragon · 25/04/2009 07:28

Oh poor thing. I'd cancel the sleepover too. I had a bad period experience at a sleepover.

Gmarksthespot · 25/04/2009 07:32

omg .

The poor thing. 10 is far too young to have to deal with it. My dd is 10 and I can't imagine it.

I second lilymolly and cancel the sleepover. Could she have the sleepover at your house?

Perhaps if you let her know you just want to talk about hygiene and handling herself rather than a full on 'talk' she might be more open to it.

The poor love. Buy her some chocolate

Original poster

2sugarsandapuppy · 25/04/2009 07:40

Well, I would cancel it but can imagine her pleading with me and resenting me if I do cancel it (she absolutely adores this friend). Or should I be stronger and put my foot down? Having the friend for a sleepover here wouldn't have the same excitement value.

Also, it seems like she's being punished for something over which she has no control

Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks ......

OP posts:

lilymolly · 25/04/2009 07:44

well if she is desperate to go to the sleepover, and the friend and her mother are mega supportive, then let her go, as long as she is ultra confident about hygeine and keeping her self clean.

This may be the catalyst to get her at least talking.

You have my sympathies, my dd is only 3, and I dread this day x

SoupDragon · 25/04/2009 07:48

If she is desperate to go to the sleepover, she needs to talk about periods and how to cope with them, he can't ignore it. You'd need to prime the friend's mother and make sure that your DD knows what to do with the pads etc to stop any embarrassment.

Haribolicious · 25/04/2009 08:01

What a difficult one....your poor DD having to deal with this at 10 Can you pick her up after the class and have a chat then and arm her with the necessary 'equipment'? Maybe drop her off at the sleepover a bit later on? Definitely talk to the mother of the sleepover too so she can keep an eye on things and thus try to avoid any embarrassing leakage situations. Otherwise, if she won't talk after your chat, then (as others have said) you need to cancel and have some girlie time with her...I'm sure that she will thank you later

keels26 · 25/04/2009 08:16

I completely sympathise with your DD, I started my periods just after my 11th birthday and it took a while to get used to. The day after I started I was due to be staying over with a friend of the family but my Mum cancelled it because I didnt want to go as I was worried about where to change my sanitary towel and stuff like that.
If your DD does still want to go then its probably best to just supply her with what she needs and if she feels comfortable to go then she should be ok. Is there any way you can quietly talk to the Mum of the person shes staying with and explain to her without your DD knowing and being embarrassed?

chimchar · 25/04/2009 08:25

awww. how horrible for you both.

i would let her go to the sleepover, on the condition that she has the talk with you...

if you have no time now, meet her after the class and arm her with plenty of pads, and some of those little purple bags you can buy to dispose of them with...pop a carrier bag in her overnight bag and tell her its ok to put the wrapped up used pads in there to bring home.

don't push it, but show her how to stick a pad on, take it off and wrap it up. you could leave it at that for now untuil she is a bit more accepting. she is probably mortified, poor love. poor you too.....its so young isn't it.

i would also have a quiet word with the other mum....

hope it goes ok.

Katiei · 25/04/2009 08:30

I (eventually) started my periods at 10 years old. Although I had been on medication for a few years before hand to try and slow puberty down and so was probably better prepared for it happening than your poor DD, these are a few things that I can remember helping me....

a period pack that mum gave me containing chocolate, a tiny hotwater bottle, a pretty purse/ small bag to put towels in to take to the loo so it wasn't so obvious (especially useful in school) and a pack of sanitary towels (kind of like an after thought) 2)This led to a discussion about using each thing and a demo where I was shown a how to put a pad on my pants (whilst the pants were off - important due to ick facor in my 10 year old brain) 3)My mum told the mum of my best friend who had a chat with my friend and answered any questions so that she was less likely to make comments about why I had to go to the toilet frequently etc
I remember feeling yucky and sticky was an issue that made me embarressed so wet wipes (or toilet wipes would be flushable now so probably better), night time towels and pretty PJs with dark coloured bottoms (x2 identical pairs) for sleepovers made me feel better
Tell school so that they are aware (assuming they are not already). I had a little bag with pads & wipes in the school secretary's office which was near the loo that I could collect so that I didn't have to carry anything out of lessons with me

Hope this helps and she feels better about this soon

bellavita · 25/04/2009 08:33

I was 10 so I can sympathise with how she is feeling

MadamAnt · 25/04/2009 08:42

Katiei - v good ideas. Your Mum sounds great

TitsalinaBumsquash · 25/04/2009 08:45

Katiei - Great post, your mum sounds brilliant.
I guess at this point your DD may be feeling embarrassed, also hormonal and stroppy form pmt and confused.
Have you talked to her about periods before?

Katiei · 25/04/2009 08:52

Thanks.
She's a star (but unlike poor 2sugars had a bit of time to get used to the idea and think some things up).
Good luck

Haribolicious · 25/04/2009 08:59

Fab advice Katiei - will remember these points for later

Katiei · 25/04/2009 09:09

Ooh, forgot to say, start charting her cycle for her.
Although it obviously will be erratic for quite a while it'll eventually stop her from going to things unprepared. Didn't relaise my mum did this for me until I completely caught her out with a v short cycle on holiday in Turkey! Only shop was a small chemist where everything was behind the counter . Working out sanitary towel in turkish was fun

SlightlyMadStirrup · 25/04/2009 09:16

I am not sure how anyone can add to what Katie has said from your daughters perspective.

I would be cautious about the sleepover (I wouldn't even sleep over anywhere when I was 17 when I had my period - but at the end of the day she needs to make the decision. Has she suffered any nighttime leakage yet? And you don't want to make her feel like she is being punished for something that is completely natural. At the very least I would - as has been said talk to the friends mother...talk about keeping an eye and facilities and how you can make it easier for your DD together. I think that if she does go for sleepover the friends mother needs to be part of this - even if it is a covert part.

I think - and I could be wrong - that KatyMac's DD was a fairly young starter so could be a good source of advice from a parents POV.

shivermetimbers · 25/04/2009 09:18

My DD is 10 and started about 4 months ago but i had been expecting it so prepared her with chats and demos with pads and stuff. I think it is difficult at that age as they are physically ready but often not emotionally ready.

Original poster

2sugarsandapuppy · 25/04/2009 21:26

Well, it all went horribly wrong.

Spent all arvo buying 'things' - wipes, bags, chic tins to put pads in, and, cycling home from art club it transpired that although I pleaded with H not to mention it to her, he did. So I bussed it back, got home before them to find her feeling betrayed by me.

I managed to put two 'prepared' pairs of knickers in her toilet bag, and an 'overnight' pair in her pyjama roll, but to be honest I feel betrayed by H too, especially as I made that point of not mentioning it to her.

The upshot was that he took her without letting her say goodbye to me (me still upstairs, thinking she was downstairs, calling her up, trying to show her how) and her hiding her tin somewhere. I still can't find it. I did, however, find out where the countless pairs of knickers she had were. They have one set of uniform, and after their bath at night I wash the whole lot, so it's not difficult for them to go unnoticed. But since she wasn't prepared to do/look herself, I thought I'd prepare some for her, but there were none in her drawer.

They were in boxes, drawers, in amongst her soft toys, anywhere they could be hidden. I still haven't found them all. I am gutted that she feels she needs to hide this from me. I know 10 is too young to be mentally prepared for this - my heart bleeds for her.

OP posts:

MuffinBaker · 25/04/2009 21:30

Poor you and your poor daughter.

What did your H say to her?

Have you spoken to the other mum?

Original poster

2sugarsandapuppy · 25/04/2009 21:33

MB, spoke to the other mum who was lovely/understanding and offered to keep hers in a prominent position. Also said she thought H was a complete bastardbounder for betraying that trust.

OP posts:

MuffinBaker · 25/04/2009 21:35

He is really. This is such a huge thing in a little girls life and he went against what you said.

How does your DD feel about what your H said?

Original poster

2sugarsandapuppy · 25/04/2009 21:36

Have just asked, 'D, what exactly did you say to A'? He walked out of the kitchen.

'Are you just going to ignore me?'

'Yes'.

OP posts:

SlightlyMadStirrup · 25/04/2009 21:38

Oh noooo. That is the last thing she needs. Or you for that matter. It sounds as though she is not struggling well without DP knowing let alone now he knows.

boredwithmyoldname · 25/04/2009 21:43

He is coping with her growing up extremely badly and is making it all about him.

Have read the advice on here as I expect my daughter to start soon and think it's so sensitive and well thought out.

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