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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

My poor 10yo DD has her first period .....

61 replies

2sugarsandapuppy · 25/04/2009 07:09

... well, first after a brownish smudge last month, and it's really quite heavy. She refused to talk about it and the night before last went to bed with knickers on and a load of bog roll stuffed up her fanjo. (I only know this because she asked for a back rub when she went to bed.)

She has a class this morning and has been invited to a friend's house for a sleepover immediately afterwards. I should also have said that when I showed her he pant liners (after having taken a sharp intake of breath about how to tackle it) she went off in a complete huff and refused to talk about it.

Yesterday, bless her, she came back from school with knickers and (thankfully she was wearing them) tights soaked.

I can't get out to the shops before this bloody class starts. What to do about the sleepover?

TIA

OP posts:

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onepieceofcremeegg · 25/04/2009 21:43

2sugars I have no real advice other than to say that your h has really been very unkind, no wonder you feel betrayed.

fwiw I lived with my dad and started when I was 12/13. I was horribly embarrassed, and he dealt with it in quite a patronising tone with me.

It is one thing that men don't understand, having not been through it. That's my opinion though, I know other would disagree.

pottycock · 25/04/2009 21:45

Poor little thing - bloody men can be so insensitive sometimes. The least he could do know is talk about it with you so you can agree an approach and to make sure she isn't totally mortified by it all. If she thinks it's caused trouble between you it'll create an even more negative association for her.

pottycock · 25/04/2009 21:46

Surely he didn't mean in unkindly? Was he just being a bit ham-fisted? I think it must be a difficult time for Dads too!

Plonker · 25/04/2009 21:47

Oh the poor little love

I hated getting my period (and I was older, around 12). I was in complete denial for ages. I refused to use sanitary items, I just used toilet roll ...I thought if I didn't accept it, it would just go away.

For me, the overwhelming fear was growing up. I was the youngest of two and my mums 'baby'. I didn't want to be grown up like everyone said you were when you got your period - I wanted to stay my mums baby.

I broke down and told my mum all of this and she reassured me that nothing had changed. I was still who I had always been - for some reason which I can't explain, I thought that everything was going to change. I was soooooo much happier and accepted the inevitable so much better when I knew that I was the same me.

Don't know if that makes any sense, or indeed if it relates to your dd at all, but I just thought i'd share.

Original poster

2sugarsandapuppy · 25/04/2009 21:59

pc, no, it was a deliberate attempt to intervene in something very delicate.

OP posts:

pottycock · 25/04/2009 22:11

That's shit then - wtf was he thinking. What a horrid thing to do, and how embarrassed must she be feeling. Did he make fun of her?

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 25/04/2009 22:14

I would be furious with DH if he intervened like that. He needs to tell you what he said so you can repair the damage with your DD tomorrow.

Original poster

2sugarsandapuppy · 25/04/2009 22:30

I've tried to ask him what he said, but he just blanks me. As always. I wonder why I ever confided in him in the first place, but since it's our daughter I thought I could trust his sincerity in not mentioning it.

OP posts:

Original poster

2sugarsandapuppy · 25/04/2009 22:32

Passively:

'David, what did you say to Anna?'

'Oh, go away.'

No hope of achieving anything there then.

OP posts:

SlightlyMadStirrup · 25/04/2009 22:33

I know that it is hard (if not impossible) but I think you need to know what was said by both of them in the conversation - so that you can help DD effectiively

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 25/04/2009 22:36

2Sugars - sounds like he realises he's messed up then. What WAS he thinking?
Leave him to cool down for a bit and then go back and tell him that you need to know what he said to DD so you don't have to ask HER what he said.

CheeryCherry · 25/04/2009 22:55

Have read through the thread, what a sorry tale, and poor DD starting her period young, my DD is also 10 and am waiting with baited breath as I suspect it is imminent.
I suggest you try again with H in the morning when he has slept on it, he is probably mortified he got it wrong. And as suggested, ask him again as you really need to know what went on before you see DD tomorrow.
As generally they don't sleep much on sleepovers she will probably manage herself tonight without much fuss but you will need a chat before school on Monday - even though she will prob be shattered and more grumpy tomorrow (Or even keep her off, have a girlie day, chat in a cafe...its what I would be tempted to do )
Sorry if I have waffled.

MumOfAPickle · 25/04/2009 22:57

Horrible situation for you and especially for your DD I remember my mum picking me up from a friends 10th birthday party and sitting me down and explaining all about periods (I guess she thought it was best to be prepared). Unfortunately that was the last time we spoke about it and I didn't start until about 14...by which time I was too embarressed to bring it up.

It is mortifying enough to talk to your mum about it at 10 but luckily my dad had the sense to stay out of it completely - I'm quite surprised that your DH would even want to interfere. I think you need to try and get across to him just how hard this is and is going to be for your DAUGHTER. Try and make it all about her and surely he will see that he has to tell you what was said. He might be sulking a bit because he knows he's fucked up...that's what mine does . But you REALLY need to know just case he said something completely fuckwittery.

Good luck

SlightlyMadStirrup · 25/04/2009 22:57

Goood point about the lack of sleep TBH.

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 25/04/2009 23:05

Is this fairly normal behaviour for your H? Doing something you have asked him not to do and then being arsy about it? Or is he just a bit upset by the fact that DD is maturing, and not handling it well? Even if it's unusually tactless behaviour from him, it's still unpleasant and childish and selfish, poor little girl.

pooka · 25/04/2009 23:08

Golly - what a lot to deal with. No helpful advice really. Mine started at 11 and I was actually quite excited. I do think that there is a big difference between a top primary and lowest secondary girl, in terms of it being normal and not being a big deal, and also in terms of maturity.

FWIW, I was only just 11 and had just started secondary. I went straight onto tampons and have never got on with pads - as a child I disliked the obviousness of pads. That then morphed into just hating the sticky feeling of blood stored on pad in knickers.

Used tampax mini, and was fine.

My parents were separated and although I assume my mother told him, he never mentioned it to me. My aunt did say, when I was on holiday with her and extended family (without mum, different side of family) that she thought I was very brave. I remember being really rather pissed off that she talked about it at the time - didn't really want it to be a big deal. It also coincided with me suddenly not being able to share a room on hols with my same age boy cousin and younger cousins. In hindsight, it was probably because they thought I could do with privacy. At the time it felt really inhibiting to suddenly be seen as a grown up (and to have to share a bedroom with my unmarried older aunt, not as much fun at all).

Anyway - I hope you manage to find out what your h said to your dd, and to have a productive and laid-back chat with her tomorrow.

pooka · 25/04/2009 23:10

The day off, laid back time together, on monday would be a lovely idea if you can manage it.

I am pissed off with your h on your behalf.

CheeryCherry · 25/04/2009 23:11

Do it! Do it! Day off together on Monday. Treat time. You both deserve.

TheCrackFox · 25/04/2009 23:15

Oh, your poor DD. I started my periods when I was 11 and TBh it was horrible and a bit confusing.

I would have died if my dad had tried to speak to me about it (my dad is lovely BTW). Sorry but your DH has been a bit of a twunt, guess you know that now.

How about next time you see DD going out somewhere nice for a coffee and a cake? Then try and broach the subject. She won't be able to flounce if it is in a public place and if you are "treating" her she might be more inclined to listen.

kitkatqueen · 25/04/2009 23:23

I was 8 yrs old and I hated the thought that anyone else would know. It was too personal, too private. You deffo need to find out what your dh said. Even if you have to have a blazing row to find out. There are a few things that dads need to know, but to not comment on or interfere. Your dh sounds like he has crossed the line. He probably knows it and doesn't want to hear that he's a pratt from you too. As someone else has said, he is making this all about him when it should be about her feelings.

Hope you can find out what was said and speak to your dd and calm everything down. I was v young too and was given not a lot of info on what was happening / why etc, just that it was and what to do about it. There was a book that I found myself in a second hand bookshop called "below the belt" I don't recall the author. Its aimed at adults but uses v simple basic language and helped me a lot. There is a book I saw recently on amazon called something like " lets talk about boys and girls and mummy's and babies" or something like that and it is aimed at kids v v unformative in a child friendly format.

Really hope you can speak to her...

Original poster

2sugarsandapuppy · 26/04/2009 07:41

Thank you all for everything. It's not unusual for him to be a selfish twat (I wasn't allowed the tumble dryer on yesterday, even though I was drying their uniforms and had another load in the wash).

If I bring it up again it will end up in a blazing row, and that's unfair on dd2. Will just play it by ear - maybe see if the clothes I bought her yesterday could be returned and offer to buy her something she really wants instead. My guess is that she will want to go to Mass with her friend and her friend's family this morning, so I won't see her 'till early arvo anyway.

But yes, the issue is really with H, and I have learned my lesson.

OP posts:

pottycock · 26/04/2009 08:08

What a self centred dick that he had to stick his oar in. Hope you can make things more comfortable for her when she's home.

bloss · 26/04/2009 08:21

Message withdrawn

kiddiz · 26/04/2009 08:49

Not "allowed" the tumble drier on

Dh and I might come to a joint decision to try not to use the drier where ever possible to keep our electric bill down but I would never need his permission to use it.

kiddiz · 26/04/2009 08:50

Or even think about asking for it for that matter.

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