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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

DS FREAKING OUT over the slightest thing and I'm losing it. Don't know how to stay calm.

53 replies

muffle · 27/03/2009 10:18

I've posted about his tantrums before but we seem to be entering a new phase. (he's 3.9) For the past week or two he's started fixating on tiny, tiny things and fussing and stropping over them, which escalates into massive screaming tantrums. It's just ridiculous things, like I took the hanky out of the box and it got crumpled and I have to put it back in and take it out again, but it has to be when he's standing in the exact same place as he was standing at the time, so if I take it out at the wrong moment he freaks even more, etc etc.

Whether I try to do what he wants, or say no and try to stop him behaving like that with threats etc (eg if he doesn't stop freaking about a toy I'll take it away) - makes no difference, the strop just gets worse and worse and in some cases can go on for two hours. It's making it really impossible to get stuff done, get out of the house for nursery, get to bed etc. But worst of all I'm getting so stressed and frustrated by it that as soon as he starts, I just feel myself feeling completely overwhelmed. Several times I've ended up screaming - not a tirade of screaming at him, but just putting my head in my hands and going "AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHNNNGGG" because I'm so stressed - and I hate it when I lose it like that. I've shouted at him too and wrestled him into his clothes and suchlike because I'm just sick of negotiating and arguing. Time out, consequences such as taking away toys etc doen't work - he just gets so worked up he doesn't care.

When he's not stropping he's lovely, chatty, enthusiastic, bright and happy and very helpful - he can be absolutely great and of course I love him to bits anyway. I don't know why this happens and what tips him over the edge.

I feel I need to stay calm and caring and somehow humour him out of it but how? And it is normal? He's always had tantrums and then he has a good few months and I think the tantrum stage is over, then it always comes back even worse.

I have him all weekend on my own as DP is away and I'm dreading two full days of this. (He's at nursery today.) Would love some wise words.

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ICANDOTHAT · 27/03/2009 10:22

How has he been at nursery .... or does he save this all for mummy?

Original poster

muffle · 27/03/2009 10:25

No I recently talked to nursery about it (out of his hearing) and yup, it's all for me (and DP). At nursery he is sweet and charming and they were amazed to hear that he has tantrums! He does tend to be very passive around other children and is in awe of the nursery teachers. It makes sense that he can let go when he's with me - but when its this extreme I don't know how to handle it!

OP posts:

gagarin · 27/03/2009 10:28

Let him go to nursery in his pyjamas?

Stop engaging with the tissue in/ tissue out scenario - just leave the room?

ingles2 · 27/03/2009 10:36

Have you tried totally ignoring it muffle? So when he kicks off you carry on oblivious, so not giving attention to the bad behaviour?
I also agree with gagarin.He doesn't want to get dressed? fine, take him out in his pj's. It's certainly not the end of the world.
Feel for you though, it's bloody hard work. BTW it's completely normal and good news he's saving it all for you. Just bear in mind all his built up energy/frustration/anger is coming out in one major swoop.

Original poster

muffle · 27/03/2009 10:37

Yes have tried complete ignoring, he just follows me screaming and tries to drag me back. I've even put him in his room on his own - he just comes out even more enraged. I could just not dress him but I'd still have to bundle him out of the house - giving in over getting dressed wouldn't calm him down, he'd just continue to freak about something else.

He gets to a point where he just doesn't give a toss what happens to him or anyone else - if we said "DS stop this or we are going to burn all your toys and lock you in the cellar" it would have no effect. Even if we did it he wouldn't falter. The only thing that ends the strop is him wearing himself out and being exhausted. So I think what I need is ways to get him out of it at the beginning of it IYSWIM. As a seasoned strop-handler I have lots of tricks - humour, distraction etc - but the problem here is that I'm losing my sense of humour and calm very easily and so it soon becomes a massive scene.

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snice · 27/03/2009 10:40

I think its not uncommom-my DS used to try to insist on things being done in a particular order or with people standing in particular places.

Try not to give in or the demands just get more ridiculous. Like others have said go out in pyjamas/miss breakfast for once.

Its all to do with gaining control when life is changing for them.

You have my sympathies.

Original poster

muffle · 27/03/2009 10:42

Snice - when did he grow out of it????

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snice · 27/03/2009 10:43

Oh and once I got so mad that I blew a whistle very loud and the shock of the loud noise stopped him -then I instantly said "do you want a go?" and the distraction worked.

Original poster

muffle · 27/03/2009 10:45

Yes I think that kind of thing might work with him. Just discussing it is helping me calm down (after this morning's scenario) and feel that I can detach myself from it a bit more.

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snice · 27/03/2009 10:55

I would say he started getting more reasonable about 4 - he is at school now and 5 in a few months. It can still suddenly appear out of nowhere though but is an irregular thing - he hates being helped to do stuff and likes to do things in his own way/time. Still control issues you see!

thebuzz · 27/03/2009 10:56

Hi muffle - I totally sympathise with you. In fact I've renamed 'terrible two's' as terrible 2-4's (and it might change to terrible 2-18's). My little girl is just 3 and she's getting more testing the older she gets. I so understand how utterly exhausting it can be and I'm afraid I haven't found any answers yet. Like Snice said, it all seems to be about control for them. Although I would just ask is there any specific reason why he might be like that to you - like has there been any big change like you starting a new job or something that's happened in the family recently? Sometimes that supposedly can have a big impact. Other than that, for my sanity I ignore her when she's at her worst - and the moment she nice and friendly I go full in with the hugs and kisses and playing games and giggles. I'm hoping she will soon realise that mummy gives my lots of attention when I'm not screaming and shouting. Good luck!
x

JustCallMeGoat · 27/03/2009 10:58

the 'how to talk book' mentions mechanisms such as encouraging the child to scribble on a big bit of paper or such like to express the anger. might be worth developing some sort of routine were he can go crazy venting in a less stressful way. not sure if iam making sense but good luck!

ingles2 · 27/03/2009 11:00

Concentrate on how you are feeling then muffle. Come here and moan but when he's in a strop, try to remain calm and detached. Don't let him drag you around, totally ignore.
Distraction before it gets full blown has got to be the way to go forward. Does he like music? How about putting music on loud for dance.? or take him outside to kick a ball?

morningsun · 27/03/2009 11:06

It could be a sensitive personality type with some anxiety.
Try to separate your own concerns about him from your behaviour so smile and remain calm,reassure him and introduce humour if you can.
Whether you do or don't follow his instructions,keep it light and friendly and it will pass.
It is normal imo,don't let your anxiety make you cross as he needs you to be calm.
Children have different temperaments,they are not all the same and it won't last if you are kind and calm.

snice · 27/03/2009 11:07

My DS used to scream "put it back like it was" if I'd say moved a bowl. He would be hysterical crying angry but I would try and just say "No, I'm not going to do that " and calmly carry on with whatever I was doing.

It is very hard indeed but ignoring is the only way if distraction doesn't work. My DS could keep up the screaming for an hour or so at his worst but if I pandered to his demands one day the next day I would be presented with ever more complicated routines!

All came as a complete shock to me as my DD was never like this.

Remember the MN mantra: "This too will pass"

Original poster

muffle · 27/03/2009 11:12

I've always been a bit wary of labels like "sensitive child" in case it sounds like an excuse for putting up with unacceptable behaviour - but having said that, whenever I have read about "sensitive" children he ticks all the boxes.

Thanks for all your advice and morningsun you really strike a chord with me - I think I am finding this so hard that I'm focusing on the problems it's causing for me, when I could probably help him more by reassuring him. Whatever it is, it is about some need or worry that he has that makes him want control so badly. (No nothing has changed that I can see - DP has gone away for work but it started before that) I wish I could hug him now as I feel so sorry that it escalated again this morning.

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Original poster

muffle · 27/03/2009 11:14

And yes snice I need to not follow any of his crazy instructions at all - it always leads to more.

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Original poster

muffle · 27/03/2009 11:16

Goat, I thought of that too, but I can just see him ripping up the paper and flinging the bits everywhere! But I know what you mean and might experiment with that kind of thing.

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Original poster

muffle · 27/03/2009 11:17

(Obvioulsy ripping the paper would be great if that helped him... but he would then freak about the ripped-up bits... aaarrrggh)

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Othersideofthechannel · 27/03/2009 11:22

It's strange that he has suddenly developed this behaviour.

DD (4.3) is like this but only when she is very tired so I tend to go along with her requests as far as possible. Usually if I do things her way it takes less time than the strop. So I will stand in a particular place to put a tissue back in a box and then she will accept that we've done something her way so now we have to do something else my way.

She has always got very angry when things don't go her way and it is since she has been verbal enough to give precise instructions that she has been like this.

Othersideofthechannel · 27/03/2009 11:24

For DD it is about a need for control. When she is tired she finds it harder to accept not having control about certain things so she fixates on other things that she wouldn't care less about when she is rested.

thebuzz · 27/03/2009 11:26

Heh if he's at nursery today then by the sounds of it he'll be having a great day. And you can give him a big hug when he gets home. These things also take time to change - I have a friend who's son is the same in character to my daughter and it really helps to phone each other up after a difficult day and talk it through and hear someone else is going through the same - we end up having a good laugh about it in the end. Hope things get better for you soon x

Original poster

muffle · 27/03/2009 11:27

It isn't sudden really, it's only just started taking this particular form and being this bad, but it's kind of a continuation of what he's always been like. The verbal thing is right - the more verbal he gets, the more bossy he gets.

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morningsun · 27/03/2009 11:35

well instruction wise you can play it by ear,follow some then joke"we really don't want to do that again,do we or i may just have to tickle you!" etc,or ignore but in a patient way.Also you can explain [at a calm moment] that its good behaviour to cooperate with things and be helpful.

My youngest ds went thru a controlling period when i felt quite worried he was running rings round me butit passed and he got things done with the help of star charts which he coloured in himself,he's now extremely easy going and well behaved.
Also if it helps my eldest ds was a bit like this and i used to get upset and worried as i wasn't sure if it was normal or would carry on for ever,what i needed was someone to tell me to be nice and kind and see the funny side because it did pass .He's 17 now,very sensitive and intelligent and a very deep thinker and very lovely and easy going.I think when he was little he had quite strong feelings and needed me a lot.
Hope this helps and stops you from worrying and helps you be more positive and get a plan going for how to stay calm

FrizzBath · 27/03/2009 11:37

My DD was exactly like this at this age - she's calmed down a lot now (4.3 yrs). Agree with other posters that it's often due to tiredness.

I'd always try distraction first, and if that really didn't work I'd give in once, then try to get her to do something completely different - even just taking her into a different room and trying to do something else helped. If all that failed, I'd have to take myself off to a different part of the house and ignore her for a while - didn't always work, but it made me feel better!

After nursery today, I'd be extra affectionate to him and try to give him 100% of your attention this afternoon/evening, and make out you want to have a really special time with just the two of you while your DP is away.

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