DS FREAKING OUT over the slightest thing and I'm losing it. Don't know how to stay calm.

[muffle]

I've posted about his tantrums before but we seem to be entering a new phase. (he's 3.9) For the past week or two he's started fixating on tiny, tiny things and fussing and stropping over them, which escalates into massive screaming tantrums. It's just ridiculous things, like I took the hanky out of the box and it got crumpled and I have to put it back in and take it out again, but it has to be when he's standing in the exact same place as he was standing at the time, so if I take it out at the wrong moment he freaks even more, etc etc.

Whether I try to do what he wants, or say no and try to stop him behaving like that with threats etc (eg if he doesn't stop freaking about a toy I'll take it away) - makes no difference, the strop just gets worse and worse and in some cases can go on for two hours. It's making it really impossible to get stuff done, get out of the house for nursery, get to bed etc. But worst of all I'm getting so stressed and frustrated by it that as soon as he starts, I just feel myself feeling completely overwhelmed. Several times I've ended up screaming - not a tirade of screaming at him, but just putting my head in my hands and going "AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHNNNGGG" because I'm so stressed - and I hate it when I lose it like that. I've shouted at him too and wrestled him into his clothes and suchlike because I'm just sick of negotiating and arguing. Time out, consequences such as taking away toys etc doen't work - he just gets so worked up he doesn't care.

When he's not stropping he's lovely, chatty, enthusiastic, bright and happy and very helpful - he can be absolutely great and of course I love him to bits anyway. I don't know why this happens and what tips him over the edge.

I feel I need to stay calm and caring and somehow humour him out of it but how? And it is normal? He's always had tantrums and then he has a good few months and I think the tantrum stage is over, then it always comes back even worse.

I have him all weekend on my own as DP is away and I'm dreading two full days of this. (He's at nursery today.) Would love some wise words.

And it's a good job a new sibling isn't the problem tbh - blimey how I would cope with this while post-partum with squalling infant I can't imagine.

Hi muffle how did your weekend go?

Hi morningsun, sorry just seen is as it dropped of my "threads I'm on"

Weekend was really good, considering - some meltdowns especially in the mornings, but I did try to focus on the "special time while daddy is away" theme and we went to a castle and the next day to the cinema, and DS really enjoyed the fun stuff with minimal stroppage - plus both Sat and Sun evenings he was OK at bedtime, which was amazing. Monday morning was very bad though, possibly the worst ever and I couldn't get him out of the house for nursery so we were v. late.

Distraction has been working well but I still have a problem with losing it myself when it all gets too much - I feel really bad that I have manhandled him quite roughly a couple of times eg pulling him away when he decided to pull all the stuff off the washing airer in a rage, or when he was freaking because I'd put some spilt food in the bin, and started grabbing and squishing handfuls of his lunch, aaarrrrggh. I've never hit him but when I've lost it and pulled him or shouted at him I kind of feel the same guilt I imagine I would if I smacked him, IYSWIM. On Monday am I did call parentline at the end of my rope - while he was there - strangely DS calmed right down and just wanted to chat to the lady! (who was great and did help by letting me just wibble on about it) Then on Mon DP came back so that's making things easier.

I think I (and DP) just have to keep trying to learn what sets it off and what calms it down... we are persevering but then it all goes tits up again and feels awful. But still muddling through!

Thanks for asking.