I feel like such a failure, I've made my child so unhappy

[NimChimpsky]

Up until recently she was a placid, happy, joyful little girl. Over the last week she's discovered tantrums. Not just short tantrums. Proper hour long screaming rage tantrums.

I've tried everything. You can't distract her. She gets angrier. If I ignore her she follows me round and screams at an escalating volume. If I cuddle her she hits me.

I've resorted to leaving her in her room screaming because an hour in she's showing no signs of stopping and I've got a migraine.

I said I'd never leave her to cry. She's so distressed.

It's every time she has to get dressed, undressed or have a clean nappy.

She's screaming for me. If I go to her she screams even more.

I'm really letting her down.

Nimchimpsky - How old is she?

Most lo go through this phase at some time, try not to take it personally

Maybe she is poorly?

HTH

How old is she - could she be overtired? Has she recently dropped a nap?

20 months.

She's had bronchiolitis, pretty nasty bout, didn't eat for about 8 days but has been eating normally for about 4 or 5 days now. The cough/bad chest/cold went a couple of days ago too. Her measle jab was 3 weeks ago. Only changes. She doesn't nap. Hasn't since 14 months.

Just been up and she said "read me book mummy" and has come down with a handful of books and is reading/smiling.

She's herself inbetween but I can't believe how upset she becomes and how I can't help.

The exact same thing happened to us, turned out DD had an ear infection. Was weird as was she fine a lot of the time then would go off on one and there was no fever either.

could it be the "terrible twos?"

Oh God I hope not. DH is working a night shift and I don't drive so can't take her to be checked out at the walk in clinic.

She's not rubbing her ear, no fever, never suffered with her ears. She is getting two canines but isn't usually that bad with teeth coming through, just a bit cross.

You are NOT letting her down. This is a very difficult and extremely trying period for both of you.

I recall DDs first tantrum that made me cry, at about 18 months I guess. I was not over much, she had some minor ones, and this was one was just full on for an hour, then she dropped the telephone/remote control on my foot in a fit of rage (cant remember which), and I shouted at her. Her face crumpled and she looked like I had slapped her. I felt devestated. She cried and I cried. And it was horrible. I felt like a bad mother. But I realised after a while (and a good chat with some lovely MNers) that this is par for the course with most toddlers. They have such limited communication, it is as much about not being able to tell you what is wrong as the actual thing that is upsetting them (not that it makes it easier to manage).

I find now when DD gets like this, I let her know I am there, actually say it, and that when she is ready for a cuddle, I am waiting for one too. Then I ride it out. Eventually she calms down and has a cuddle.

She had one today after waking early from a nap (she is now 2.5) and she would not let me touch her, but, the difference is now, she has better speech so can more easily express what her problem is ie she is tired/hungry/whatever.

DD does not have them often, but up to recently was when tired/hungry (usually both at same time). Now she has some when she does not get her own way, and mostly distraction works well here, but not always.

It will get easier to manage, although I cannot promise they will stop any time soon!

Keep thinking of the lovely Little One you have. She is still there, and it will even out again.

(I was too busy posting to see ronaldinhio's post - but, sorry to be a bearer of bad news, but now it has been mentioned, DD has been like this with an ear-infection, and no rubbing of ear at first )

what do you mean pavlov..?
was my post not to your liking?

Thank you for the responses.

pavlov, it's good to hear your experiences. I'm glad it gets easier.

I found the baby stage so hard because she couldn't communicate and I felt like I was playing a guessing game when I should have known what I was doing.

She has good speech for her age but when it happens all she can scream is 'mummy' which makes me feel worse. She can communicate what she wants usually but it's like a switch flipping.

It's the fact that you say the tantrums are an hour long that's making me wonder about illness/ear infections.

DD had tantrums a fair bit but was usually distracted within 5-10 mins. The ear infection tantrums were VERY long and almost impossible to calm her down.

Oh no. I can't take her to be checked out tonight. She's fine inbetween and it's obviously triggered by the dressing/undressing/nappy changes.

my daughter is 22 months and has started having the screaming ab dabs
I have assumed it's the terrible twos and am riding it out with liberal application of wine

Canines are a bugger. Could be an ear infection - if you put your finger just in front of the sticky out bit on the 'front' of the ear (just up from the earlobe) - on the flat bit near her cheekbone, press down, and wiggle firmly, if it hurts, she may have an ear infection and you should get her checked.

That being said, DS2 did hourlong tantrums. I know other children who did this, too. Don't blame yourself! Don't take it personally! It's easier to fix things if you're not beating yourself up about them.

Firstly, different children's tantrums are triggered by different things. It can be unanounced change, being hungry, tired, whatever.

Secondly, different children's tantrums are soothed in different ways. DS2 calms down if you just shut up. Stop arguing. (Don't give in - well, he specialised in tantrums with demands that couldn't be fulfilled, like 'unbreak that biscuit'.) Hold him, if he'll accept it and wait. And he would snap out of it in a few minutes, rather than an hour. But this took ages to work out.

my son also does this, has done for over a year now. best advice i can give you is to ignore it, and putting her in her room to scream it out is what i resort to genrally. dont blame yourself, its an age thing, they DO grow out of it (i am now coming out the other side)
my daughter is just going into this stage tho he tantrums are 10-15 mins more within the "normal" limits.

check for illnesses as others have said, if everything ok then just go with the flow. it is hard and seems never ending. but she WILL get over it.

goodluck, and i feel for you!

xx

Thank you for the further responses.

My instinct tells me she is not ill. The first tantrum was nearly 2 weeks ago and they have been more frequent for the last week or so. If it was an ear infection I would assume it would get worse/more obvious/have symptoms. NQC, I know what you mean about pressing the edge of her ears, our GP does it before looking inside. It doesn't bother her. She just laughs. If you try to touch her gums where the canines are though she clamps her mouth shut and shouts no.

I very much like the 'she'll grow out of it' stories. A year of it sounds hideous though. I thought being happy and a good communicator she wouldn't need to scream for an hour.

I'm going to take up wine as a hobby.

[teetotal]

My DD had a phase like this just after she turned 2. I specifically remember her going into complete meltdowns over getting dressed and undressed. It does sound a bit like terrible twos to me, and it definitely gets better. I found DD had periods of being really terrible interspersed with periods of her normal loveliness!!

ronaldinhio - no I was agreeing that it could be an ear infection but I had not thought of that until I read your post which I had not seen before posting

does she nap if you take her out for a walk or in the car? i'm wondering if you could make her nap even if she doesn't want to. my 20mo has tantrums approaching this magnitude when she's very tired. she sometimes naps and sometimes doesn't and each has its up side.

are you okay? it sounds as though this is getting on top of you. how are you for practical support, time off etc?

also, have you tried putting her into her cot, with a few soft things for distraction at the beginning of a tantrum. i totally understand not wanting to leave them to cry, but i've discovered i just make dd2 cross by my very presence when she tantrums. i found that putting her safe and pottering in the other room - within hearing distance but not in sight - and putting my head around the door every few minutes would curb a tantrum much quicker than if i were in the room with her.

Perhaps as she has been so il recently she needs to catch up on a bit of extra sleep and could do with a nap even though she doesnt normally have one?
My DS hasnt napped for well over a year but will have one once in a while when he's poorly...

If she's good at communication, and you model the behaviour you want to see (always keep your temper around her!), maybe it won't last a year.

Some of DS2's most lively tantrums have been in response to me not understanding what he was saying.

She will occasionally sleep in the car, less frequently in the pushchair. Because I don't drive though, it's not possible to 'force' the nap on her. While she's been ill just recently she's been falling asleep for a couple of hours in the afternoon. She's never been a great sleeper during the day and will push through any fatigue, usually quite cheerfully, to be included in the day.

She doesn't have a cot, it's converted into a bed but we mainly co-sleep.

I don't get time off. I had my haircut in October I think and my parents looked after her and dh takes her to the supermarket with him twice a week while I go for a run. That's it really. It's me and her most of the time. I'm trying to learn to drive but not affording it so it's a long process. I do take her on the bus to toddler group and the library but with bad weather recently and her being poorly, it's just not been possible.

I just can't believe the change. It's 0-60 and she goes from a communicative, happy toddler to a blind, deaf, screaming bag of rage. She never so much as cries really. And all over a 45 second nappy change.

Had an okay evening though, it's like she's forgotten the tantrum. We've read about 17 books, played with her train and had lots of cuddles and some milk. She's had supper and is asleep in our bed now.

I was so happy that it was getting easier. It's just thrown me a bit I think.

Some children can tantrum for a very long time and its impossible to distract them, especially when tired. My ds1 used to have complete meltdowns which I am sure sometimes lasted an hour. I used to put him somewhere safe and then sit in the room with him so he knew I was there. Not much else you can do. Very tiring and headache inducing, but normal for some toddlers I think.

Ah..well you know enough of my war stories to be able to guess what my diagnosis will be
Adopt this mantra 'this too will pass, this too will pass'Compose a tune to sing it to, (in order to block out the enraged screaming of your progeny).Be prepared for a year (or in my case 19 months and counting with L) of adopting an expression of total passive calm (whilst inside boiling with frustration at times)

Console yourself that IMO the brighter the child, the worse the tantrums.Its sheer frustation at not being quite big/articulate/in control of own emotions enough to manage what they want to do.(Obviously I am expecting L's MENSA membership any day now, and at this rate M's as well in the next post )

Drink gin.Pretend to yourself that as it is a juniper derivative its not really drinking as such.