I feel like such a failure, I've made my child so unhappy

[NimChimpsky]

Up until recently she was a placid, happy, joyful little girl. Over the last week she's discovered tantrums. Not just short tantrums. Proper hour long screaming rage tantrums.

I've tried everything. You can't distract her. She gets angrier. If I ignore her she follows me round and screams at an escalating volume. If I cuddle her she hits me.

I've resorted to leaving her in her room screaming because an hour in she's showing no signs of stopping and I've got a migraine.

I said I'd never leave her to cry. She's so distressed.

It's every time she has to get dressed, undressed or have a clean nappy.

She's screaming for me. If I go to her she screams even more.

I'm really letting her down.

Canines made my DD have mega tantrums (she can have a good one anyway, but these were terrible); so do ear infections though. Do you have any calprofen? It was the only thing that vaguely worked (and she's wake up once a dose wore off).

I do keep my temper at all times. I'm an ageing hippy, don't shout and stay remarkably calm in the event. I only cry and sag in a heap when she's out of view.

I just can't shake the feeling when it's happening that she must be unhappy to scream so loudly and so long.

I was shopping today and saw a mum being at best rude and at worst abusive to her small child (calling her thick and ignorant) and the poor little girl was sobbing. And there's me doing everything I can to try and guide dd happily and securely through her childhood. Not sure what my point is really but I think I looked at that little girl and thought she just needs a cuddle and to be told how wonderful she is. But I can't see what to do for my own child. Who I cuddle and praise daily.

I don;t think she is unhappy, but she might be scared. I think it can be quite scary for little ones to have tantrums because they have no control over themselves. Currently going through a tantrum -phase with my 3 year-old and he so loved me to just sit there and wait for him to calm down for a cuddle when his universe is in turmoil bless him.

I don't want to give her medicine as she seems fine now. In fact she's asleep quite peacefully. Medicine involves pinning her down and forcing her to swallow so I'll leave it for tonight. She's eaten got bonjela on her gums and that seems enough for her to drop to sleep.

Scoot my love I do not know how you do it. Truly. What with all the bugs you seem to get to (are you still in denial about that because I do a good line in 'ooh don't you look fabulous with your feverish pink cheeks and pallid smooth complexion?). It's a bit of a shock for M to turn into a screaming harridan. Obviously it's her intelligence. I completely agree.

Aherm, juniper you say? Good for you then? Necessary you might say.

i really feel for you nim. i've been known to walk for 2 hours to try to get dd2 to sleep in the pushchair, to no effect. do you sling at all? that's usually a more reliable way for us (although again, no guarantees). i find missing that short break in the middle of the day makes everything a lot harder for me, so it's worth the effort to get her to sleep, if only a couple of times a week.

sorry the cot thing was a red herring - is her room safe for you to leave her there? or wherever she happens to be, again as long as it's safe. i think it may be worth a try to leave her at the beginning of a tantrum, if you can bring yourself to do it.

my dd2 has always had a temper, since tiny babyhood. dd1 was colicky and cried virtually non-stop the first 12 weeks, but never like dd2 who turns purple with rage and does the kind of screaming only dogs can hera (and is excessively charming the rest of the time to balance it out).

and they do forget - i'm constantly amazed that neither my girls ever seems to hold a grudge once we've got over the storm.

please try not to blame yourself, i'm sure it's nothing you're doing, it's a normal stage of development and riding it out is pretty much all we can do. if you can take a bit of time for yourself you may find it easier to let it roll off you - can dh take her more often? or rope your parents in again?

it will pass.

She does seem scared actually. I left her for all of a few minutes on her own to calm down and when I went back her bottom lip was quivering and she buried her face in my shoulder. And then I felt ten times worse but nothing else helped, in fact my interference was making it worse.

You cant do anything.Its a natural part of growing up.I would be more worried if there were not tantrums.Kids need to experience these highs and lows of emotions to prepare them for the emotional highs and lows of later life.I bet after the tantrums she returns to emotional equilibrium pretty quick.Toddlers dont experience emotion like adults.If I got in the same kind of rages as my DD's it would shake me for the rest of the day.With them they just get fed up of it/see something more interesting and forget about it.
She isnt unhappy generally or profoundly.She is just cross in the moment because the world is not behaving the way she perceives that is should be. (which she needs to realise is the case as the world cant always behave in the way a 19 month old perceives that it should)
As long as you stay nearish (but ignore as far as poss the tantrums) so she knows and is reassured that you are there then all will be well.When she has finished her tantrum give her a snuggle and say something like 'hurrah thats out of the way, next thing' and move on..

I know its upsetting.L has had me in bits at times.Her behaviour in terms of tantrums this past year has at times been untenable.I have blamed myself, the fact that I work, her genes, DH, the fact that I drank diet coke in my first trimester..everything..but I am yet to meet a Mum of a toddler who has never experienced a totally illogical, full on tantrum, whatever her circumstances or parenting style.(except one and she is a known fibber )

You are nothing like the Mum you saw and you know it.Dont doubt yourself over a natural stage of your childs development.Chin up ducks..

You really must stop feeling bad about it I think. I agree interference might make it worse. Just the sound of my voice or a tiny movement (ie. I move my little finger) can send a tantrum into orbit. I normally sit completely still, but they still know you are there.

Sometimes I have had success with humour (I dance a really silly dance which just have to make the laugh) or I start building something really interesting in lego, like the tallest tower in the world in my little corner. Doesn't work for the worse tantrums, but if you can divert their attention......Worth a try.

I do sling but she weighs 35lb and when that 35lb falls asleep, my back starts to scream in protest. And she wants to get down all the time now and roll in the mud/pick up sticks/torture a snail.

Her room's entirely safe for her so I think I may have to put her in there with the door open, stairgate closed and either sit on the stairs or hide in the kitchen while it happens.

I want there to be a reason for it beyond 'it's a stage' I think. I'm not very good at handling things that don't make sense. You should have seen me in labour ie 'but why do I feel like I'm splitting in two, exactly why, I need to know if I'm actually going to divide in half'. I need to stop thinking.

She's not so good at going to dh since being ill. Used to toddle off with him quite happily without so much as a backward glance but atm only mummy will do. I've She's got separation anxiety I think.

She's too independent. She was tantrumming naked btw as I couldn't get near her with pyjamas. Half an hour of 'what a clever girl [rictus grin], where are your trousers, can you show me how to wear them, what about your vest, which way round do you wear it' and on and on with a throbbing headache and she was standing in the middle of the room congratulating herself on being clever. Maybe that's part of it. She feeds herself, goes to the toilet sometimes, puts her own shoes on etc but needs a bit of help with her clothes and I don't think she wants it. Wonder where that stubborn streak comes from?

My Mum's going to watch her for a couple of hours a week while my Dad teaches me to drive (why do I suddenly feel 17 again?) so that'll be nice.

I do need a break. You're very perceptive. I adore, completley adore being a sahm, but a couple of hours during the day would be lovely. It's been 8 months since she napped and it's a 7am-9pm constant with her. And I feel guilty for wanting time away. Ridiculous.

I dont neccesarily think its fear per se..they just get a bit shocked at the strength of their own emotion..L for example totally lost it today because I said she couldnt have a biscuit before her lunch.I left her for 10 mins.When I went back she snuggled up and her lip was quivering and she apologised.I told her it was fine and we had our traditional tantrum ending eskimo kiss (with lots of snot that I am still in denial about yes-I am slightly sweating due to fever but am preferring to call think my skin looks youthfully dewy ) and then off she went fine and dandy.She just needs that bit of reassurance that she can scream and shout but that I will still love her at the end of it all (but also to know that its not acceptable behaviour-which is the trickier thing to get across.You need the skills of a UN peace keeper-they should run courses on the side for Mums..make a bit of cash on the side when they are not brokering deals in the middle east etc..I think it would be very popular )

I tried dancing/singing/reading out loud/putting music on/pulling faces. All caused an increase in screaming volume. She was too far gone. I tried to take a sip of my drink and she screamed at me like I was smashing up her favourite toy.

Aww scoot, I'm a sucker for an affectionate 'ducks'. And you really shouldn't be here consoling me when you have 2 children to cope with. You must think me very silly indeed.

I think they should let us have the course and then let us have a go at running the world. I'd get pregnant and start issuing free gingerbread and condoms to the world in a hormonal fit of madness. It could just work.

A wee break will be good for the both of you..She will enjoy the socialising and you will enjoy the change (now just when and where will you be driving again?>>makes mental note to avoid the back streets near Nims at stated times

Oh I know. I'm such a daddy's girl to this day. I love my mum, I do, but he's still my hero 28 years on.

Of course I'll be heading in your direction in my tractor once certified. And don't worry, I'm learning to drive round the farm at first so unless you are in fact a sheep, I think you're safe.

I know it's a vital stage but I don't like it. I didn't like the baby bit too much and have loved having a walking/talking child. In the midst of the red mist I find myself wishing the minutes away until it stops and that's horrid. She'll be at school before I know it and we won't have this time back. I don't want it to be filled with anger and tears.

Nim cant really add any more than all the other ladies. Watcha Scoot As you know I too have the what I like to call spirited child I will start refering to him as super intelligent now though. Lovey she will come out the other side you are doing a fabbo job of bringing up that super little lady.

Last thing before I take my dewy self to bedfordshire..Would DD be too little for this kind of pshyco babble?Works with L.When she has really lost it I hold her very close (avoiding flying fists and feet) and say to her, 'Where's L?I hope my lovely L comes back soon I miss her.She is so lovely and would never shout.I hope she comes back.Where is she?' along those lines.Sounds odd (and also a bit like I think she's been possessed now I see it written down, which in a way she has been, maybe in the actual sense of the word actually-would explain alot but it does bring her back 90% of the time after 5 mins or so..

Two kids,6 kids..1..is all the same when you are faced with something unexpected and upsetting..I hope it helps a wee bit to know there are others with similar experiences and Lord knows I've plenty in this department!mwah mwah nighty night (am at Mums so have been called Ducky at least twice an hour today in shops etc...lovely to be home..My accent has reverted to broad Derbyshire.I will not be understood when I go to work on Mon )

7-9 with no nap? you're a fricken hero, i'd have gone well and truly postal by now.

i find dd2 has a small window when she's tired enough to sleep, miss it and you've no chance. but then i hoik her on my front in a mei tai and walk round the block for 20 mins or so. as soon as she falls asleep i take her back and she'll stay asleep when i put her in the cot. worth a try?

can you get really easy clothes that she can manage herself? can you leave her naked/in pjs? okay that won't work for the nappies, but can she get you all the bits for that? dd2 used to hate nappy changes (mostly cos she had lots of rashes and it hurt ) but now i ask her to get me all the bits and she runs off and gets them. cue "i've got a mat/nappy/bag/wipes, but what's missing? where's my baby?" pantomime and she lies down happily .

also, does she have a distraction of the moment? dd2's is counting/colours. even quite impressive screaming tantrums can be curtailed by "how many nappies have we got? how many bums have you got? what colour are your legs?" kind of chatter - if you get in first maybe you can sidetrack the tantrum situations before they start?

don't feel guilty for needing some time off - i'm also a sahm and do nothing like the hours you do, and i have no hesitation in doing evening classes, going out with friends the odd evening and i also get a half day babysitting from my mum that i will use to go back to bed or go out for a swim if i feel i need it.

(Second) last thing..Hiya Haggis ..try that 'raising my spirited child' book (if you are a child raising guide sort?)Quite good..(forget who wrote it-its referenced on lots of threads though)

Spirited >>snorts

The nappy change thing used to work. I'd ask her to get a clean nappy and wipes, she'd do it, lie down, talk, have a tickle, play, I'd ask questions etc. It's just recently she's changed and won't even play the game. And I'm happy to leave her in her pjs if that's what she wants but sometimes she has to wear clothes as it's -1 degrees and we need to go out. She is sore atm actually with the teething and she's torn through constipation (not eating for a week buggered her up a wee bit). Perhaps it's all linked.

I am lucky that if she's tired out from swimming or something and I encourage her to bfeed then she sometimes nods off and I can put her down but it's a rare event indeed.

scoot, she won't countenance being picked up when tantrumming. I tried a firm cuddle and reassuring words and she turned beetroot. Night ducky, sleep well. You make me homesick for Derbyshire.

Wotcha Jam. Spirited children, yes, spirited.

sore bum = change tantrums definitely ime.

When we hit the tantrums we resorted to the 'safe place' and 'ignore' method - which worked really well for ds. We literally plonked him on the hall floor (good place, fairly central, nothing to distract and fairly empty) and went out, shutting the door and just getting on with whatever we wanted to (normally involving putting the radio on so that we couldn't hear as much) - for ds this is remarkably sucessful (although we very rarely have any tantrums now (ds 3.9)).

My mother tells me that I could get completely unmanageable at a similar age - she put me somewhere safe and put the record player on with some loud spanish guitar music - which apparently did the trick and stopped the screaming quite quickly....

Y'see my mother denies that my brother or I ever tantrummed. We were compliant at all times. And labour didn't hurt. It's a lot to live up to. Especially when said mother phones up while dd is tantrumming and says "well have you asked her what's wrong?".

tbf dd1 didn't tantrum. really. never.

dd2 appears to have taken it as her job to rectify this oversight

she's still getting over the bronchiolitis, plus is discovering her will and herown opinions

it will pass and it is normal stage of development. your mother is plainly delusional

You say she is torn through constipation, so her back passage is actually torn, yes?

Do you use wipes to clean her when changing her nappy? Because if so & she is torn they will be stinging her terribly. So I would stop with the wipes & start using a warm damp flannel/cloth.

Sounds to me that she had huge issues atm with changing nappies/clothes. Yes? So you need to re programme her perception of this. Would getting her to wipe herself before you do help? She obv associates nappy change/clothes change with pain, probably because of the sore bum.

Also canines, as said before are buggers. Thye have longer roots so often can cause pain in the nasal cavities too.

She is going through so much, poor love. I think it is more of a phase than terrible 2's. Is it just related to nappy/clothes etc?