I feel like such a failure, I've made my child so unhappy

[NimChimpsky]

Up until recently she was a placid, happy, joyful little girl. Over the last week she's discovered tantrums. Not just short tantrums. Proper hour long screaming rage tantrums.

I've tried everything. You can't distract her. She gets angrier. If I ignore her she follows me round and screams at an escalating volume. If I cuddle her she hits me.

I've resorted to leaving her in her room screaming because an hour in she's showing no signs of stopping and I've got a migraine.

I said I'd never leave her to cry. She's so distressed.

It's every time she has to get dressed, undressed or have a clean nappy.

She's screaming for me. If I go to her she screams even more.

I'm really letting her down.

Just nappies/clothes. And once going in the bath but may have been the undressing that she didn't want.

Using cotton wool and warm water to change her. She has a small tear, healing well. The tantrums preceded the tear but appreciate that she may already have been sore at least internally.

I've tried every approach to make it easier on her but sometimes she just will not have it and anything else I'd perhaps let her have her whim but obviously she must have a clean nappy and warm clothes before we go out.

I just wanted to add to what others have already said about this being SO normal.

It is alarming, and actually scary, and VERY distressing to see your own child in this state.

however, them getting in this state is nothing to do with you being any kind of bad parent, or them being any child of unhappy or distressed child. It's simply a stage of development and (unfortunately) you can't skip it by putting in loads of love, hugs, kisses, and good attached parenting - it will still happen!

My advice is stop taking it personally, and accept that there really isn't anything you can do to stop this. Being alone in her room is probably the best thing IMO because any interaction feeds the anger.

Let her stop in her own time and be ready with cuddles and be ready to move straight on; she will have forgotten it in minutes and IMO we must try to as well.

Yes it has us traumatised and weepy and worried about long term damage but this is not how your child experiences it so try not to give it too much importance in your mind!

And yes, she will grow out of it

people often tell me what an 'easy' child I have and she has been described as 'docile' Dh and I have often wanted to show people a video of dd tantrumming. It's very irregular - there are spells of weeks/months where it's just occsional but then really awful spells where it's every day. And like your dc, when she goes it just goes on, and on - more than an hour soemtimes. It's unbearable isn't it? And there's just nothing I can do. They just get on a ride and don't know how to get off.

I sometimes vent my frustration by vigorously cleaning the cooker She's 3.5 and this has been going on for over a year.

I think she doesn't know what to do herself and does get scared.

Wrt nappy changes and getting dressed - I have totally copped out. She has had nappy changes and usually dressing to Cbeebies or a DVD. Any fuss and it goes off. Wrks for us!

I know toddler tantrums are a stage, as a result of frustration, and not general lippiness as such, but I love this post on another thread

By loobeylou on Sun 25-Jan-09 21:07:20
If it helps, I once read that the kids who vent their spleen and answer back and shout and yell are actually the most secure. They do it because they know they are not going to come to any harm, it will not affect how much you love them, you will always forgive them etc etc. the ones to worry about are the ones who are too scared to answer back. The ones who really are neglected and unwanted don't dare say anything at all.

My dd is in between, she still has frustrated tantrums but is already answering back in a way I wouldn't have dared as a teen...