Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

have left DS in his room because he pooed in time out - please calm me down and tell me how to deal with him?

77 replies

bohemianbint · 06/01/2009 10:04

over the last couple of days since DS dropped his nap, he gets overtired and aggressive and silly and I have put him in his room for 10 minutes, not even so much as a punishment but to give him breathing space and time to calm down.

Yesterday and today, I've put him in there and he's pooed his pants. It makes me soooooooooooooo angry because I've got so much to do with a baby as well and I don't need to be doing this! It's not a coincidence, he potty trained a month ago but will only poo when you put him in a nappy - or in his room, it seems.

I just went up to get him out of his time out (because he was being aggressive) and I had to turn around and come back downstairs and post here to stop me from losing my temper, which isn't the right way to handle it, but I'm so F$%ing fed up with it! What gets me is that he can control where he poos - he demonstrates this by only doing it in his bedroom. He is* manipulating the situation in the same way as when he says "need a wee" when he gets bored or wants to go somewhere else.

And if I can't put him in his room to calm down, what can I do? I've really got my hands full and this is making me mental...

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Flibbertyjibbet · 06/01/2009 11:41

Its probably a phase and he is picking up on your stress.

Deep breaths.

When ds1 was potty trained he twigged that shouting 'I need a wee' whilst in the naughty corner, would get him out of the naughty corner. So I started putting him back in the naughty corner after the wee which was really hard work (have 16m younger child as well who was just getting mobile at the time). Then I decided to ignore his calls for the loo. So he would wee in the naughty corner. I had to try really hard not to let it stress me. I just cleaned up and changed his clothes and said 'oh dear never mind' like when he used to have accidents while potty training.

I thought if I make a fuss about it he might rely on it as a way of getting attention or getting out of the naughty corner.

I know every child is different when it comes to toilet habits, but if you can try to just treat it like any other potty training 'accident' - clean him up, change his pants etc. Say whatever you used to say when he was potty training and had an accident. Hopefully he will then stop pant-pooing as a way of getting attention or getting out of time out.

I well remember the days of having two little ones. Perhaps he doenst' understand why he is in his room if he is not sleeping? Ds2 dropped naps from about 12m (angry) but would get very tired, so I would read to him, put a dvd on, give him a drink and snack and brace myself for when his batteries were recharged.

HuwEdwards · 06/01/2009 11:46

oh you poor love! It is crashingly awful when you have 2 very dependant children and you're getting no sleep. Gvie yourself a break - could you put DS1 in front of a film instead of his room? Just thinking that maybe he is seeing being put in his room as a form of punishment hence the poo thing.

You may get the same 'calm down' result with a film, but without the poo...?

IT WILL GET BETTER though!! My 2 are under 2 years apart but are now 6 and 8 and it is sooooooo much easier.

HuwEdwards · 06/01/2009 11:48

You may get the same 'calm down' result with a film, but without the poo...?

IT WILL GET BETTER though!! My 2 are under 2 years apart but are now 6 and 8 and it is sooooooo much easier.

lisalisa · 06/01/2009 11:50

I don't think anyone of any age can poo to order can they?

ThePellyandMe · 06/01/2009 11:58

I really feel for you bohemianbint. My 2 ds' were 21 months apart and the grand plans I'd had about them both napping together at lunchtime didn't even materialise once.

Be patient with your DS. He will get there but he is still quite young and it may take time.

And just to echo what HuwEdwards said it gets so much better. Looking back I don't know how we all survived the first year of DS2's life, I felt like walking out many a time, but we got through it and now they are great. They are 4 and 6, both at school and being close in age they play together all the time.

Sycamoretree · 06/01/2009 12:01

Perhaps not to order, but I think the OP sort of realises that now, and the best we can all do now is to support her in what is an incredibly tough time.

I echo what completelyabsolutely says - where are you based? Can any of us help? It must be so hard with little support from your family.

I remember one time I spent nearly 2 hours just determined to get both Dc's out of the house in the morning to the park or something as I was going so stir crazy, then at the last minute, DD did a poo. I pulled down her pants and pebbles rolled all over the dining room floor.

I threw myself down and wept. Thank god my mum was there. She just said - ENOUGH. Put that child back in a nappy until this new baby is older, it's too much to deal with.

And she was right. 3 months later we tried again with the potty training and we never looked back.

OP - are you on your own, or is DP/DH around? What help if any do you have in the evenings?

Pawslikepaddington · 06/01/2009 12:09

OP, could you get a sling for baby? I know it is a bit off topic, but then you may be able to calm baby while sorting out ds at the same time, and you don't have to feel like you are running between the two all the time? I found it was a godsend if I needed to get housework etc done, as dd was a very clingy baby (still is at 5!), so I could calm/cuddle/give her attention at the same time as seeing to other things-also might let you have a sit down once in a while x

Pawslikepaddington · 06/01/2009 12:11

I found that she didn't like the tomy-type slings very much, but apparently these are BRILLIANT!

orangina · 06/01/2009 12:12

Hi BB.... perhaps if you call it "quiet time" instead of time out, it will seema bit more positive? DD who is nearly 4 still has quiet time in her room each afternoon for about an hour. If she is really knackered, she might fall asleep (which is great!), or else it is just that, quiet time where hopefully she won't wind herself up any more. I also give her the options to listen to a story cd or some music. Also, when I feel myself getting frazzled and wanting to shout all the time, I try using my "therapists voice" which is just that.... low, quiet, and actually really sounding as though I want to go out and scream but am gathering all available inner strength...!
And yes, perhaps a nappy during quiet time as well.....

So sorry you are so knackered, it is completely bonkers at this phase, isn't it?!

orangina · 06/01/2009 12:13

Also, if she seems to not want to stay in her room, the promise of a chocolate coin after quiet time if she stays in her room nicely works wonders....

Pannacotta · 06/01/2009 12:23

As someone else suggested, how about a peaceful film or DVD as his quiet time like Bagpuss or the Clangers, nicer for him than being put in his room?
I do sympathise as DS1 was pretty vile when DS2 was a baby (and still is quite often)...

NAB3lovelychildren · 06/01/2009 12:25

Sounds like he has been through a lot and pooing his pants is probably involuntary or the only way to express how he feels.

PintandChips · 06/01/2009 12:38

i totally understand about putting him in his room to play quietly for a while, and i think it's a good idea, as long as you are explaining to him that's what you're doing (so it doesn't feel like a punishment), and maybe give him a choice (darling you're very tired, do you want to play in your room for a little while, or sit on the sofa and watch some TV?)... we don't watch a lot of telly in our house, but if DS is really tired he will get a bit mental, and i find that 10 mins watching something he likes will calm him, and sometimes he will fall asleep on the sofa. he is same age as yours. sometimes he will ask for a bottle (if really tired), which i will give him - it doesn't happen often and it's not regression, just looking for comfort when tired - he will generally use a cup.
if he does go to his room I would definitely leave a potty in there for him and again try giving him choice - ask does he want to use the potty if he needs a poo (like a big boy), or would he like to wear a nappy (like a baby) - again, i don't think it will mean he will regress in terms of his potty training, but i think it is possible that he's feeling a bit out of place with the new baby, and allowing him to feel as though he has some choice (and therefore power) might help (limited to what works for you, of course) - it certainly makes a massive difference with mine.

above all, and this is possibly the hardest thing to do when you are feeling the way you are - try and be as calm and loving as you can be with him as that will help.

and if you can get anyone to take them both off you for a couple of hours so you can get some kip that will probably revolutionise your life!

smallorange · 06/01/2009 13:02

I went through something similar - in fact practically everyone I know with two young children has been through it.
Potty training is a nightmare for most people. It took me five months with DD1 and at its peak saw me weeping openly as DD1 wet through her sixth change of clothes and ran round a toddler group with a bare bottom leaving little foot-shaped puddles of wee in her wake.DD2 screamed throughout this pantomime as she was trying to feed while I chased DD1 round the room. DD1 thought this was hilarious.
i have witnessed a close friend frantically scraping poo off the floor of a (posh) glasshouse after her DD2 missed the potty. Her DD3 was screaming as she did it. These sort of incidents are why the transition for one child to two is so hard.

You are going through the toughest stage at the moment and I think you have to let go of all expectations of how things should be for a while. Look at yourself and try to laugh.
And remember he is not trying to do anything to you, he is just coping with things in a childish way.

noonki · 06/01/2009 13:11

He sound like my son and it took me ages to realise the best way to handle his behaviour was to ignore the bad and praise the good.

sounds simple, is incredibly effective but can be really hard to keep doing.

Try it, it really worked for us.

any b ad behaviour - just a gentle no that's not nice because....

then basically ignore (with poo just clean up with no fuss and move subject on)- most certainly dont let them hear you tell anyone else about it.

any good behaviour - praise and more praise (we used stickers and telling everyone.

they soon realise that being naughty is quite boring and the best way to vet attention is being good.

belgo · 06/01/2009 13:19

Bohemianbint - many sympathies from me - I know exactly what it's like. I had similar problems coping with two children under two. My dd1 sometimes wee'ed and pooed in time out, and I'm sure she did it deliberately as attenton seeking behaviour. Looking back, I don't blame her for behaviour, she was just reacting to me finding life stressful. I can't remember exactly how I coped with it, but things gradually got better, and I tried to give dd1 as much attention as possible. She is now nearly five and a wonderful little girl.

Things do bet better, you'll get through it somehow!

emilyandjohn · 06/01/2009 13:25

you poor thing. I'm not surprised you are at the end of your tether. I would do ANYTHING to make life a little easier. Beebies? Sling? Pullups? Playgroup/nursery if you can afford it? Ready meals for you and DH? Dummy? Occasional bottles?

My policy is that I stick DS1 in front of the telly everytime DS2 goes down for a nap or plays by himself. It gives us all a breather. Probably not great parenting, but it gets us through the day

It isn't surprising that your DS1 is playing up. It is really common for older children to play up when a new baby comes along, as I'm sure you know. But it really really does get better. In a few months you will all start to adapt. In the meantime, just do whatever it takes and don't worry about DS1 acting up or DS2 screaming the house down. In the long run, it really won't matter!

cornsilk · 06/01/2009 13:28

Oh god you poor thing Bohemian bint. I never thought I 'd ever train ds2, he did exactly the same things. I used to get cross about having to clear up poo all the time - it's so hard. I agree with the posters who say just to chill and stick him in front of a DVD when you need a break - wish I'd done that more now.

FairLadyRantALot · 06/01/2009 13:44

sorry to hear you are going through tough times...it is hard with Tot and Baby....

Wondering, does your son maybe poo himself because he is upset by being put in his room?
I.e. he isn't doing it out of spite but because he is upset?

It is difficult when a child poos themselves when in pants....my ms has been doing this for the last 3 years (snce out of nappies, I mean....he has got bad constipation issues, is treated, and so on)....it is really difficult to deal with it, so different to dealing with poopy nappies...

Anyway, I hope that things will settle down for you and that it all comes together....

FairLadyRantALot · 06/01/2009 13:46

OH, and also read he had smeared his poo...which is even more difficult to deal with.....my ms has done that once (he wanted to clean himself up, and made such a mess it was over the carpet, the unit, the walls, the doors the sofa (thank god for leather sofas I say...)....

elmoandella · 06/01/2009 13:47

i've been there with 2 under 2yr.

i would say he's still a bit young to be completely dropping nap. perhaps even try and get him to go for a nap with you on sofa/your bed when the baby is sleeping.

you all need a sleep.

ignore the housework for the sake of your sanity.

and you will find this me time cuddled up with you will really help with his behaviour as he feels he's getting some personal time with you and baby is elsewhere napping not disturbing you and his time together.

as for the pooing. your ds is not trained at all if not doing poos tbh.

try showing him what you do when pooing. show him you doing it in toilet. gross i know. but it really works. and let him "help" changing babies bum by passing wipes. as this helps him understand poo coming out of his butt. it can be very scary to some lo's a great big crap exscaping out their body.

swanriver · 06/01/2009 13:48

I think a little rest playing quietly in his room is a brilliant idea, but could it have a positive association - like you going in too reading a story, or sitting quietly feeding baby while he plays with train etc. And bring potty too.
My ds2 used to drive me mad with poo-factor and definitely got more hyper/aggressive on the brink of disaster..ifyswim. Now I think I was treating him as if he was much older. I think he knew he was meant to hang on, and then didn't quite know when to admit he needed to go. 23/4 is really very young to think ahead and if he's tired anyway it'll probably be last straw. Lots of people I know only potty trained their boys at 3 yrs.
Poor you, it is so so tiring.

smallorange · 06/01/2009 13:57

I think elmoandella's suggestion is a good one. I forgot that that is what I used to do with DD1 when DD2 was asleep. She really loved cuddling up in bed with me and that closeness was important for us both. She napped in my bed with me until she went to nursery and was a calmer happier child as a result. He is maybe very overtired and perhaps re-instating the nap will help him behave in a more positive fashion.

If not then Cbeebies or something. We all need some down time, even two-year-olds.

OonaghBhuna · 06/01/2009 14:19

You poor thing. It takes ages to potty train, a month is a very short time. My DDs dropped their naps before 2 which was a nightmare because they both needed it.
Im not sure that toddlers can deliberately poo, they can make themselves pee! My Dd1 went through a stage where she didnt like the bath and one night she deliberately peed in our bed when it was bathtime.
Maybe after lunch you could have cuddle time instead of sleep time? Sometimes we snuggle under the rug and watch movies which gives everyone a break.

Original poster

bohemianbint · 07/01/2009 15:56

Bugger - that's twice my computer has crashed and lost my replies! Hang on....

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4