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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

How should I go about getting my DD to sleep ON HER OWN in her COT?

32 replies

oneyummymummy · 30/12/2008 12:40

My dd is 18months and from a young age has always fallen asleep being cuddled!! I know that this is our fault and we should put her down but before I realised it was a problem it had become one!!

She will fall asleep whilst in car or buggy, but at home she will have a cuddle whilst having milk and then be cuddled until she falls asleep. I have tried to just put her in her cot to go to sleep but she just cries and cries because she is not used to it, then I feel bad because its not her fault and it is no problem for me to cuddle her to sleep, infact I quite enjoy it, but I know that she has to learn to fall asleep by herself once its bed-time. She will sleep all night in cot but only once shes already asleep! How can I get to the point where I can put her in her cot and leave the room and she will fall asleep?

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Original poster

oneyummymummy · 30/12/2008 12:53

Also do you think she is old enough to take the sides off of her cotbed with a gate on the door?? Or should she stay in a cotbed (with sides, like a cot) for a little longer?

OP posts:

meandjoe · 30/12/2008 12:55

at the risk of sounding daft, what's the problem?? you say you like cuddling her to sleep, she sleeps through the night, she will learn to fall asleep on her own at somepoint but i do believe it's a developmental thing that she will do eventually. if it's a problem for you though could you maybe try over the next few weeks to introduce a comfort blanket or teddy she can get attached to, then cuddle that instead of you cuddling her? it takes ages for them to get attached to it but it does work eventually for some babies.

good luck.xx

Original poster

oneyummymummy · 30/12/2008 14:28

Thank you, she already has a dummy for sleeps. Its not necessarily a problem for me, like I say I enjoy the cuddles and know she falls off to sleep comfortable and loved but like you say it is a developmental thing and children should learn to go to sleep by themselves without the need to have you with them, the HV has been telling me off for this from when dd was a few months old, but I wanted to enjoy this time with my dd and not have her crying herself to sleep every night, therefor going to sleep distressed.

Its more for her own good that I need to do this so that she can be able to know it is bed time and get herself off to sleep.

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meandjoe · 30/12/2008 21:03

well i still sometimes cuddle my ds to sleep in the day, he never really liked going for naps but i love it! it's the only time he wants cuddles. night time he does settle himself but he just kind of did it one day around 12 months, before that i aleways fed him to sleep. i think they all get there eventually and my ds did it on his own with no crying, some babies take longer than others. could you start putting her down before she's fully asleep and letting her do the last bit on her own or does she wake up? maybe just keep trying over a few weeks to put her down gradually so she's more awake, leave a hand on her or pat her so she knows you're still there. my ds would have been way too angry though and would have just demanded being picked up again. hope it works out for you soon but for the record i had to be cuddled to sleep every night til i was 3, yet i am absolutely fine now and never need to be cuddled to sleep now (although i do still like it ! when she's ready she'll do it on her own in my opinion. i would have only left ds to cry if it was meaning he woke up all the time which he didn't, he slept through so it wasn't a problem for me.

juuule · 30/12/2008 21:11

If you are okay cuddling to sleep and she is happy with you doing this then I'd continue if I was you. As MeandJoe says she will learn to fall to sleep by herself at some point. Ignore the HV on this one. It might be possible that she speaks to some parents who are not happy to do this and is dealing with you in the same way.

If your happy and she's happy why spoil it?
And the fact that she sleeps all night once asleep....well do you really want to disrupt that?

LovelyBertha · 30/12/2008 21:26

I think you're worrying unnecessarily. Lots of children need cuddling to sleep, but because we're all told that this is 'wrong', people don't readily admit to it. Don't listen to the hv. I reckon taking the sides off the cot all depends on your dd- if you think she'll be ok, she probably will. As long as there is a gate on the door, what is the worst that can happen? From about 8 months old,my ds needed cuddling to sleep every night, and then would repeatedly wake up and need more cuddles. As a result, we often gave in and let him sleep in our bed- he just seemed to hate his cot. We bought him a toddler bed when he was 18 mths, which he loves. It means I can tuck him in, lie down next to him and stay with him whilst he falls asleep. He's 2 now, and still can't fall asleep by himself, but I can't see a problem with this- he'll grow out of it eventually.

Original poster

oneyummymummy · 30/12/2008 21:26

juuule shes a very good sleeper (as long as shes well) and I don't really want to disrupt this! Your right I think HV's just say what they feel is right/wrong!

meandjoe Yeah I did try the whole putting her down whilst shes sleepy, but she would just wake herself right up, stand up and demand to be held!!

HOWEVER....I think we have had a slight break through tonight (or course the day i post for some advice, she decides to change! ) DP had her asleep in arms, when he went to take her up she woke up, but he layed her down anyway, and she just turned over and fell back to sleep .

She has only done this a few times but I thought it was just because she was overly tired but it wouldnt work at night time.....but it has! I think you a\re right, she will do it when she is good and ready too, and it may just be a slow process.

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queenrollo · 30/12/2008 21:46

when i started putting ds into his cot awake i would take a book/knitting into his room to begin with and sit in with him until he fell asleep.....not talking to him except to say 'it's bedtime, go to sleep'....and after a few weeks he settled himself off to sleep very well indeed.

I'd tried it a couple of times and he just wasn't ready. I have to admit when i finally steeled myself to do it the first three nights were hard, but i'm glad i stuck with it. If ds woke and called we would go and sit with him until he fell back to sleep.

as for taking the sides off the cot........ds was three in August and we only turned his cot into a bed a couple of months ago because he was quite insistent that he liked the sides on. Every so often we asked him if he wanted his 'big boy bed' yet and a couple of months ago he said he would try it.

blueshoes · 30/12/2008 22:06

yummy, don't listen to your HV. She is overstepping her mark - how you parent your dd is none of her business, unless you are abusing dd which you clearly aren't. Just smile and nod sagely- then do exactly what you want. I had to cross the road to avoid bumping into my HV because she was always inviting me to her sleep (training) talks.

nct73 · 30/12/2008 22:42

DD just turned 2. We have just taken sides off over christmas. She didnt have a big problem with being in cot but is rubbish at going to sleep, needs lots of cuddles but does go to sleep on own in cot but we still generally have to be in room. It's great no longer having to lift her in & out as am 17 wks with DC2. Is good for settling her as can sit next to bed on floor with arm round in a sort of cuddle but she is in bed rather than on knee which might help you with trying to get to sleep in cot. There is no problem as such with cuddling to sleep but they do get to a point when just too big to get comfortable in a sleep position on your lap. This way you can continue cuddles but start the transition. Hope this helps.

sasamax · 30/12/2008 22:44

I agree with the others. If it ain't broke an all that...

Original poster

oneyummymummy · 31/12/2008 14:58

Had a TERRIBLE night with DD, she woke at 2AM tried to settle her but wouldnt go back down then got her in bed with us (which ALWAYS works if nothing else because she is being cuddled) but she just didnt want to sleep....shes never done this before!DP even had to sleep downstairsas he had work today. After our little breakthrough last night thought we were getting somewhere!

She has had flu so shes been up quite a lot in the night this past week, but after shes ill she just always seems to fall back into her good sleeping habits again no problem.

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OonaghBhuna · 31/12/2008 20:20

My Dd who is 3.5 still gets a cuddle to go to sleep, its lovely and relaxing and I usually end up having a little nap too! I would try her in a bed, we moved DD1 in to a bed at 18 months and she loved it. I think both of my DDs hated the cot.

lou031205 · 31/12/2008 20:49

My DD is 16 (almost 17) months old. Until 10 months old, she would only sleep on me, breastfed. We have a beside cot, but I literally couldn't put her down.

Over the last 6 months we (DH and I) have worked on encouraging her to some independence, but really didn't want to 'get tough' as we were advised. She has gone through the following stages:

Breastfed to sleep, but then put in cot. Needed breastfeed whenever she woke to resettle.

Huge cuddles and verbal reassurance when waking, but no BF, cuddled to sleep.

Hand to hold with cot side down and mummy lying alongside.

Hand to hold with cot side up - Major breakthrough, but that stage lasted a good 3.5 months!

No hand holding but mummy OR Daddy (again major breakthrough) lying on bed so she could see us.

Daddy took over bedtime, more of last stage.

Two weeks ago DH took her into our room, popped her in the cot and said "goodnight darling" and walked out. Not a peep.

She is now able to go to bed fully awake, and settle herself. It took 6 months, but very few tears, and she has never been left to cry longer than it takes to get up the stairs to her.

sasamax · 31/12/2008 21:44

That's a great system lou - I am going to save this technique to try with DD.

lou031205 · 31/12/2008 21:59

Thanks sasamax - believe me there were times when I thought we were going to be stuck like glue forever, and we couldn't see how we were going to get past the hand-holding stage. She was so insistent that she would lift her bum and trap our hand underneath it so we couldn't get away!

But I felt strongly that she was emotionally not suited to a hard core method, and that we needed to work with her gradually. The real key has been daddy taking over the bedtime routine - just enough change to prompt the chain reaction. I suspect I would still be holding her hand now!

treewoman · 31/12/2008 22:13

Sounds lovely that you both enjoy a cuddle before sleep. How annoying that the HV is giving you silly advice. I always say do what FEELS like the best and nicest thing for you both !! In terms of attachment, if you do want her to fall asleep alone then best stay in the room until she drifts off so she does not feel abandoned.
Good luck

sasamax · 31/12/2008 22:26

Well your success definitely gives me confidence. I'm still at the feeding to sleep stage and only the last 3 nights have I sneaked back downstairs. I've been back up 4 times already tonight...feels like she'll never sleep without me. I'll stick with it though as there are no tears and I'm sure there will be progress soon

lou031205 · 31/12/2008 22:36

Keep going, slowly but surely. Honestly, at 9 months old, DD2 had to be with me 24/7 - I couldn't even leave her with my mum for 2 hours while I went to my church home group 50 yards up the road. She just wanted me. I think the key, for her, was that at every stage we made sure that she was still getting the reassurance, just slightly less physical contact.

Original poster

oneyummymummy · 01/01/2009 11:14

Thanks lou that does sound very long-winded but very worth it at the same time, I would much rather do a gradual thing than sit there while she crys hoping she might fall asleep on her own!

We used to do the holding hands thing when she was a little smaller, so if she woke up I would hold her hand through the cot or stoke her etc... but now she is in her own room, (has been since about 11months) this is a little harder! I used to still go in there and sit on the floor next to the cot holding her hand and sometimes even curling up on the floor and falling asleep holding her hand, but then she got out of that and now just stands up in the cot! No chance of getting her down apart from getting her out and cuddling her again!

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Honeymoonmummy · 01/01/2009 19:29

Hi Oneyummy, I don't have any advice about your problem but I did a double-take with your name again so thought I'd say hi! Hi!

Hope you get it sorted! x

treewoman · 01/01/2009 19:51

Wha about putting her into your bed till she is ready to go back into her own, not making anything of it

Original poster

oneyummymummy · 01/01/2009 21:26

Hi HMM I just did the same thing too again hehe! I was going to change my name, but then read a thread about someone thinking someone else was a troll ?? because she changed her name...so thought i'd better stick with it for now!!

How are you? and little poppy? I still wish we had called our DD poppy, as that was how she was known.

tree im not sure what you are sugesting? Sorry its probably all the vino still in me from last night!

OP posts:

Honeymoonmummy · 02/01/2009 12:47

Poppy and I are good ta. She's reacting well to the gaviscon now after a shaky start. She's constipated now tho cos of the gaviscon

You're name is great, don't change it!

Honeymoonmummy · 02/01/2009 12:48

Your not you're. Oh My God. Shoot me now.

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