regression with illness but think it is an excuse

[bumbly]

my 16 month old has become utterally unbearable

what should have been a week at home has turned into compelte nightmare

thinking of giving it all p as a mum as a result

chicken pox def over and scabs formed now..but littleone still refuses to be clingy, disobedient like hell and always winging.....

also stopped eating - somerthing never had a problem with - have problem with everything else in his life but now this too

stopped blabbing

only wants milk or yogurt and only want me to read to him all day long

used to wash teeth didn't even do that

tongiht lost my rag for the unpteenth time and even hubby saying he is becoming difficult

i am usually a very calm perosn and so is hubby but what is going on with little one

he behaved impeccably today with grandparents - but minuite they left door he winged at me to read...whereas at grandparents he just takes book to them

i think he is taking advantage of me

Regression is common when a child has been distressed or ill. It will wear off in time. try to be patient.

Toddler Taming is not for everyone (and has a stupid title) but imo very good for getting you to take a step back and understand what's normal for toddlers (i.e. everything you describe!). There are practical strategies for handling it all, too. Would really recommend you take a look.

Bumbly, my nearly 14 month old has been like this the past couple of months too. Like yourself, I have no family nearby to help.

Dp and I both think that he just gets bored easily, like me. He can be a real nightmare at times but is an absolute angel with other people. All smiles and giggles.

The only things I can suggest are going for a walk if your ds likes his pushchair or maybe go swimming if he likes the water. I also go to a mum and tots group once a week as it's nice to get some adult conversation too. Contact your hv about hometsart as well if you feel you need an hour's break to recharge your batteries.

He is not manipulating you. He just knows that you are his mum, you love him, and is comfortable with acting up with you. He is probably craving a lot of attention from you as he hasn't been well.

As for the eating thing. I would go with the milk and yogurt is that's what he wants. I know is usually takes ds about 3 weeks to get his appetite back after an illness. I've sometimes switched back to formula when he hasn't been well, just so he's getting the calories and iron.

I'm certain it is just a phase borne from frustration and will get better.

trixie what a lovely positive message - really cheered me up and i mean it!!!

sorry didn't mean to sound pitying

Hi there bumbly.
First I want to say that you are obviously a very motivated and devoted mum as
1.you are upset and want to resolve the problems.
2.you read to your little one ALL day becos he wants you to.
3.How distressed you are abut rhis situation reflects how much you care.
I think you need a plan and to feel what you've done and are doing is ok.
When my elder 2 were babies my dh was on call all the time,in the middle of nowhere,I had to have his meals ready as he was so busy and to cap it all HAD TO TAKE THE EMERGENCY CALLS [with no hands free!] .Its a heck of a long time from 5am to 9 pm every day on your own esp if can't leave house.I felt so upset that evrything had gone from "perfect " to really difficult esp for my 2yr old with new baby new house.I was tired out and there seemed to be no let up.
This isn't about me,just wanted to let you know I understand.I can laugh about it now but not then.
So make a plan;
1.Write a basic routine down of the day
like ;bfast,listen to song tape and play toys,outside half hour,lunch,sleep inbuggy on walk,read books[!],have long bath ,put toys on kitchen floor or in highchair while do tea,tea,bed with songs and stories 7pm.
2.Go to a local family centre in mornings where there are playleaders and you can do messy stuff away from home.The staff can link you to other facilities and lo can meet other toddlers ready for nursery.
3.Consider local homestart who is a volunteer parent who is kind,friendly and is trained to give info on childminders etc.as well as emotional and practical help with lo.
4.DEtach your behaviour from your worries inside .Little ones actually just want us to smile,have a nice voice,be calm and friendly and have a routine.They reflect our actions back to us but they don't analyse and bear grudges they are too small so you can turn this around quickly and with long lasting results.
I've got a feeling you're a great mum but you're worked up that everything seems wrong.
5.Get reg.babysitting for definite times organised or 2 mornings childminding~its always good to have other adults to help.
Probably all meaningless nonsense but I wish someone had offered me a plan!!
Keep posting and take care!

snow was referring to control not you!!!!!!

thanks so so so so much for your message - really honestly thanks - will check out sure start..never heard of it b4

am now feeling a bit bad re giving my little one such a stressful start in life by hearing me shout at him

have i done permanent damage at 16 months or will he forget if i promise to moan less at his moans and smile at them?? or has the damage been done in his psyche??????

I know you are talking to someone else but you will not do him damage.Little ones are very resilient book a nursey or childminder soon.

Most useful thing my sister ever told me (her boy's 3 years older than mine) - if you're truly sorry they will always forgive you

No you have not done him any damage.
Forgive yourself becos the crossness has come fromworry and not being sure what to do~becos you care.
His longer term memory will develop soon and you've asked for help at the right time.
I sometimes think its a bit like a show where you only show them the positive caring part of you that is trying hard to bring them up properlyIYSWIM.You may find by ignoring the negative things and distracting with fun things he changes after a few days.
So you haven't done him any harm but by being happy and calm you will bring out the happier side of him too.
sorry for waffling

Snowcrystal, what a brilliant post. Bumbly I really hope that has helped you, that is such great advice. I totally echo what snowcrystal said about you being a good mum because you care so much about your ds.

Please get as much support as you can, don't be shy of asking anyone for it (gps, dh, playgroups, surestart, whoever). You have not let your son down, you are doing the best you can when every day is a loooong day for you on your own. No-one is a perfect parent, everyone gets pissed off, impatient, and upset - it is normal. This won't have a long term effect on your son - you obviously love him and he'll know that, but the sooner you can find better support for yourself, the happier you'll be and the happier he'll be too.

Hiya again bumbly! How are you today? You've had some fantastic advice on here. I read your other thread and I just wanted to stress that fact that you haven't done him any lasting damage. You are clearly a good mummy, it is obvious because you care and often post on here if you are worried. Unfortunately, some people in the past have tended to pounce on you posts and make you feel bad for feeling this way. I challenge anyone to go through what you have been through with your ds and not lose their temper and feel isolated and crap.

Just wanted you to know that I understand everything you feel. My ds does a lot of what you have written, except for he's a miserable git who ever he's with, it's just his personality to whinge and complain. I have learned to live with it and ignore it. I spend a lot of time on my own too as dh goes to work at 6:30am and doesn'tget back til 7pm when I am putting ds to bed so I do symapthise and I know how tiring and demotivating it is to listen to whinging and screaming for 13 hours a day!

I have found that since I am just ignoring his whinging or simply giving him a cuddle if and when he is whinging for one then I don't lose my temper as much as trying to work out what is bothering him every second of the day. I have just accepted the fact that some kids are just short tempered and don't know how to express themselves. It will get better as he learns to talk, I really hope so anyway!!!

It is very sad how motherhood can be a total nightmare for some people while others breeze through it happily. For me, I could have regularly snapped at ds for the first year of his life as he rarely stopped screaming! I did on occassions shout in his face and tell him to shut the F* UP! I instantly felt terible and cuddled him for ages afterwards. He has no memory of this I'm sure (I hope!) and I know that I would not do it again as I can recognise when I am going to snap and remove myself from the situation. It's ok to leave him to whinge/ cry for a minute or two while you go and clear your head in another room. I still have to do it when ds is teething as he's unbearable to be around but I know it's not his fault.

He isn't doing it to wind you up bumbly and he isn't spoilt, he's just clever and knows what he wants! It will get easier. I know I promise you that all the time but it really will. All babies are foul when they are ill. My ds only had a cold the other week and I swear to hear him sob you'd have thought he was dying or something. I had the same cold and was fine. Maybe it's cos they are male, my dh got the same cold and was hobbling round the house groaning for days!

Please don't feel like it's anything you are doing and don't give up, you are a lovely mum, it's obvious by how much you worry abouit him. We all find things hard and some have harder babies than others. Believe me, noone could stand being around my ds when he was younger and he is still a rather challenging little terror now but is also adorable and very very clever (too clever, probably why he gets frustrated) I'll bet the same goes for your ds. It won't last forever.

Crap that was long! Sorry, I just want you to know that some people with babies like this know exactly how you feel and you don't need to feel like no one finds it a struggle because we do!