Upset at health visitor questionning today

[jojoisamum]

I had a check-up with the healt visitor today. DS is 20 weeks old. Firstly she asked how much he is eating. I told her I make his feeds at the recommended 7 oz but he rarely finishes them usually only taking just over 5 may be 6 oz a time. He's fed at:

6.30 am
10 am
1.30 pm
5 pm
small top up before bed
1 am

He's a bit under weight and she said I need to try and get him to eat more. How the fark do I do that? He eats until he's full and leaves the rest. She wants me to go to 2.5-3 hour feeding which I will do but I am looking for some more advice first.

Next she wanted me to go through his sleeping which I thought was good although not brilliant. His sleep is like this:

6.30 pm in bed and lights out.
1.00 am dream feed by husband who gets in from work at this time.
4.30 ish he will wake. Get him out of cot and in with us and he will usually sleep until 6.15 am.
7.45 am in cot for 45 minute sleep
9.00 am in bed with dad for 1 hour sleep
12.30 45 minute sleep
3.30 45 minute sleep
6.30 bed again

The HV was not at all pleased that we lift DS into bed with us at 4.30 am but I promise you we have tried everything to get him to continue sleeping or to self settle but it just won't work.

She then said I need to try and get him to sleep longer than the 45 minute short naps he's getting. Again we've tried everything to do this. At home, dark room, white noise, silence, mobile, no mobile, ssshh pat before wakening, out in car, out in buggy - nothing will make him go longer than 45 minutes.

Yes, in an ideal world he'd stay in his cot until 6 am and yes he'd sleep longer but I thought he was doing really well. I cam e away from the HV feeling really flat and that I need to do more. What can you suggest. For information my surgery has 3 HV and I don't particularly like this one.

Is she talking out her arse? He's 20 weeks if I didn't mention above.

Ignore her.

You are his mum and you know best.

TBH if you are happy with his current feeding/sleeping, I would not worry

With the sleeping thing she is talking out of her arse. Completely.
Do you feel there are probs with his sleeping? If not, then there is no problem with his sleeping. If you want him in your bed, have him in your bed. If he only wants to sleep 45 mins at a time, he will only sleep 45 mins at a time regardless of what you do.

I don;t know about the eating thing. How underweight is he? Is there a big discrepency between the percentile he is on for his height/length and that for his weight?

She's got an opinion, which she is entitled to so I'm not going to rant about her too much. HOwever, personally, I think she's being silly , because all that matters if that your baby is OK and YOU are OK, and you sound like you are doing absolutely splendidly. Her job IMO is to support you and help you, without leaving you feeling worse! I think your baby is doing marvellously, and so are you, and if it ain't broke, don't fix it. One of the greatest joys of parenthood for me is to cuddle a sleepy baby/toddler/child in bed. Not all night - that drove me BONKERS - but a cuddly morning sleep - bliss.

Sounds like ye are doing fab to be honest.

You say that he is underweight....has he always been "underweight". Is he following one of the lines in the red book? If he is following aline (even if it is one of hte low ones) that is perfectly normal.

RE his sleep he does seem to sleep little and often - alhtough I don't see why it is really a problem. If you want him to sleep less frequently and longer (and I stress if you want to) - have you tried stretching him for longer between sleeps...so that he is more tired when he does sleep?

We're happy at the moment as we're all getting enough sleep! If we didn't do this I'd be up at 4.30 everyday. No thank you!

He's between the 9th and 25th centile but I was told originally they'd only be really concerned if he was below the 9th and that anything above will usually even itself out at around 1 year old.

TheArmadillo speaks wisdom. She's talking out of her backside re sleep. He'll do more than 45 minutes when he's ready. As long as you feel he's getting enough and are happy then there's no problem.

Weightwise I can't help, you need someone who can talk kilos and centiles for that. Why not ask to see a different HV and ask for clarification?

Don't be made to feel crap by this person, she's evidently a complete loon.

At the end of ths day you and you dh are his parents, if your happy with him then ignore her, you guys know whats best for your son.

Unless he is very underwieght or not gaining i wouldn't be worried.

It's the surgery's general baby clinic tomorrow so I think I will ask the HV who runs that her opinion when he is weighed again.

I am cross at myself for letting her upset me! Thanks everyone for your help.

Sounds just like my 18 week old's routine (apart from the regular dream feed which we're about to do).

Is he happy? Are you happy (until this encounter?)? Well, tell her to eff off. Not really, but you know what i mean. And I agree with mabanana, that early morning cuddle - perfect. Not like he'll be doing it forever, so make the most of it. It's taken me to DS3 to learn this.

I agree with the other posts. HV have a wonderful way of making you feel neurotic! Babies will sleep when they want to and it sounds like you are doing all the right things. My son started to sleep later in the morning when we started solids at about 5.5 months, although still gets up about 6.30 and I bring him into bed with me for his morning bottle - I'm sure the health visitor would disagree with me, but it's a lovely thing to do for both of us. Just enjoy him and take all HV advice with a pinch of salt!

You don't have to see the HV at all, you know. You are perfectly within your rights not to see her, or to refuse her visiting your home.

Just tell her that you are doing absolutely fine, and if you have any concerns you will contact her.

If you still want to take him to be weighed and she asks about eating or feeding while you're there, just say "We're quite happy with that, thank you. I will contact you if I need any help" and refuse to be drawn into discussion.

If you're happy, and if he's happy and healthy, then there is no problem with anything you're doing.

Ignore, ignore, your baby and your are obviously happy with the arrangement. You sound like you are doing a fab job.

I used to do exactly the same with ds and looking back loved that couple of hours he's spend in bed with us every day until he was about 7 months.

He now is 4 and spends 13 hours asleep in his own bed and we have never had any problems with him.
Not all babies sleep for 2 hours mine even as newborns could just about manage 15 minutes during the day- if that.

We had this, I invited the HV to come and stay to "make DS sleep longer"

We never saw her again.

My dd is 18 months and she weighs about 18lbs ish now. She actually fell off the graph for a while and my one lovely HV that I encountered looked at her and said "ahhh she's just dinky, there's nowt wrong with that one - look at her" If I had had her at the time my son was that small I'm sure they would've been stalking me and trying to force feed dd lard

My friend had this, "Ooo, she's too small" from the HV so took her DD to the doctor who said, "Why are you here? This baby is just dainty. Ignore the HV!"

Don't see her again. She sounds no help at all. You, on the other hand, sound fine.
My DS has NO routine at all (other than V. strict feeding regime due to medical condition). He sleeps whenever he wants, wherever he wants, sometimes 2 hours, sometimes 10 mins. We also move him in with us if he won't settle but we do try to keep night sleeps to the cot.
Hopefully he will be able to relax on his feeding soon and then I will let him eat whenever he wants too (obviously terrible mother ).

Just for your info, we have fed DS very strictly because of his medical condition, and it has always been stressed to us that we feed the weight of DS not his age. We use the formula 160ml per KG per day. If your baby is a bit smaller (my chubber is on the 91st - same weight as Meggles DD at 22 wks) - this may be useful for your own assurance that he is getting enough.

pah, no baby is the same. my 2yr old didnt sleep at all for longer than 15 mins at a time -- really. i remember rocking her in one arm, crying and hoovering at the same time - donmt ask why, i just donr know. You sound like you and your lo are well sorted, just smile serenely and do your own thing.....

She sounds like a very helpful health visitor

Most of the posts I read about bad health visitors involve them giving bad advice. She isn't even giving you tips/advice on how you can get him to sleep/eat more...I would definitely sack her

As everyone has said before, not all babies sleep for long periods and yours is only 20 weeks fgs.

With regards to the weight thing...I think health visitors get a little confused as to how to use the percentile charts, the ideal is not to be on the 50% or the 100%...the world is made up of different sized adults and this is mirrored in the world of babies. Whether your baby is on the 4% or the 100% is irrelevent. If he is putting on weight and is pooing and peeing normally and seems alert and happy then you have nothing to worry about. If you didn't get him weighed would you worry that he wasn't heavy enough?

My dd was born on the 50%, dropped to the between the 9th and 25th and has stayed there ever since. She is now 14 months old and runs everywhere she has so much energy. She is just small.

Hope you feel more relaxed with everyones posts. It really annoys me that so many health visitors seem to just scare new mothers unnecessarily. Motherhood is hard enough without them creating imaginary problems for you to tackle.

My DS is 29 weeks and has only just got himself into a routine. At 20 weeks I was just reading the signs he gave me and he did what he wanted - even waking up five times a night. He never slept much, and I rarely had more than a two hour stretch ever.

I just started to put him in his cot for a sleep for two hours in the morning and afternoon and things started to fall in place a bit - but ONLY when I started weening him at 27 weeks.

Go with it is the only thing you can do. Like you said you can't force feeds on him.

Sounds like you're doing just fine - please trust your instincts as you know him best. My DS1 is now 2.4 and never managed more than a 6oz bottle ever - he was just not a big eater and at about 20 weeks was only managing about 4oz from memory. He's always been on the 25th centile, only dropping down to the 9th when he's been sick - he's fine and not underweight - just a little one but so am I. DS2 is 14 weeks now and looks to be just the same - small appetite and on the 25th centile. If it's any consolation, my health visitors are assuring me he is fine and anyway I know he is cos I'm his mum.

Ps the sleeping in your bed bit - I also did this with DS1 at around the same time and no long term issues - if he can go to sleep on his own at 6.30pm then he can go to sleep on his own. As long as you're not drunk in bed with him and are making sure the covers aren't over him then it should be fine but I'm sure you know all this anyway.

How big/small are you and DH ? My dd has never been over the 25th centile (she started off on less than 0.4 due to growth problems but then steadied somewhere between 9 & 15th - Now at almost 4 she seems steady at 25th). DH and I are both small, and DH particularly weighs very little - dd so obviously has his build if you look at her that this is normal for her. She has tons of energy and eats a lot but just doesn't put on weight ().

As for sleeping, its not really that important is it if you're happy enough with it.

Please please don't worry. HV's are NEVER happy ! My DS was over 10lb born (98th centile height & weight) and they had me in tears that he wasn't gaining enough weight in the first few months...if he had gained the they expected him oo, he would of been a stone at 2 months old. LOL.

You sound like you are doing a great job.

{{{{{{hugs}}}}} (while muttering over bloody HV's).

Hv a waste of time and money - I've never heard so much crap as when I visit clinic IGNORE HER!!!