DD 7 wks won't settle and I'm just getting so. f***ed. off with listening to her cry. HELP.

[kookiegoddess]

WHy am I getting so angry instead of feeling compassion for my crying baby? I just am so fed up of watching her almost fall asleep while I soothe her and then watching her wake herself up again. I cannot bear sitting for 20 min stretches waiting for her to stop crying. I do it but it makes me want to scream.

Am I crazy to be asking her to learn to self soothe now? I am attempting to shush her to sleep with my hands laid on her tummy and legs.

SO FRUSTRATED AND FED UP. I'm on my own as husband works all the hours under the f*ing sun, that won't change and I'm not getting on with my mum, brother too young to help. I just wish she wouldn't cry every time I swaddle her to go to sleep when we do the same thing EVERY 3 Hours - when do they learn that it's always going to be the same? WHEN?

I can't help you with routines, I'm afraid because I'm just muddling through, but I second the advice to get a sling. My DS is nearly six weeks and loves his close baby carrier. It seems to really calm him down and he sleeps really soundly in it during the day, usually for a few hours at a time. I find it allows me to get on with things. Like you, I find cooking really relaxing and yesterday I managed to make a cake while he was snoozing in it. OK, it took a while as I had to stop in the middle of weighing out the ingredients because he wanted a feed, but it still felt like a real achievement.

Do you have any other friends with babies, who are around during the day? Because DS is so portable at this age, I'm trying to to get out and meet friends for coffee etc as often as possible, as I find it helps me to feel a bit more human, too.

Good luck.

Hi - not read the whole thread as sneaking a mumsnet session in a break at work!

I know how you feel, but you really do need to just go with the flow. She is tiny and is crying because she wants comfort - just cuddle her until she is really deeply asleep. Consider getting a sling, so you can get on with things instead of having to stop.

I couldn't put dd1 down for the first 9 weeks, and then she started sleeping through for 12 hours at night!

When shes a bit older get something like a fisher price vibrating chair (can't remember what they are called!) but my dd would drop off in those beautifully from about 3 months.

So relax and enjoy your baby! - the shopping etc can wait.

DS is doing this now.

he's in his sling round my shoulder .

I'd give her a bottle if I were you. I bet it would solve all your problems.

anyone else get the feeling that kookie is long gone? lol

and ditto MP's !!!

I remember posting almost the same message when my DD1 was the same age. Some kind soul told me that things do start to change and get better - although you don't believe it at the time - they do.

The phrase 'it's just a phase'! repeated often and at length gets me through lots now.

DD2 is 18 weeks old now and I still find myself getting uptight and angry occasionally but then I remember it's just a phase(!). I know easy to say but difficult to do but try and relax because as soon as one thing is mastered another thing comes your way.

DD1 is 2 in January and she's great - it's worth all the blood, sweat and tears in the end - honest. x

Poor kookie - hope she's ok. It's easy to forget just how hard the first few weeks are with a new baby, and that's without compounding problems such as a baby that's hard to settle, a partner who's away a lot, and the inevitable "rod for own back" fears.

I hope kookie is ok?

Kookie

I was exactly like you. I had a view that baby would eat and sleep and get in a routine and I could get all my stuff done while she did. For many babies - this isnt the way they want things! They want to be held and cuddled - alot! It's hard to let go of all the stuff you think needs to be done but really, just focus on your baby. I regret not spending time snuggled up to her now when she was tiny. Like you I was always trying to find ways to get her into a routine and I couldn't. Leaving her to cry is not the answer.

As others have said, this will pass and until then just go with the flow. As soon as I realised this and let her demand feed and feed to sleep, she really settled down. I used to worry that she'd feed and then go to sleep and be awake within minutes for another feed but realised she wasn't hungry she just wanted comfort. Sounds like your baby is doing this too. So - give her comfort what's wrong with that!

My LO found her own routine by about 16 weeks and sleeps really now at 2. Please don't leave her to cry - she needs her mummy.

AND in my experience, giving her a bottle made sod all difference so would advise you to ignore that comment.

Kookie - Are you OK?

I agree with scorpio1, maybe she needs to feed a lot over next few days, not just three hourly. I was like you and kept trying to settle 4-8 wk old, and leaving him to cry for five mins. It never worked. It drove me potty. Once I stopped worrying about routine, put baby in a sling, carried him around for a few weeks, lay down with baby to sleep, all was a bit easier. You find crying intolerable because you are meant to. Baby needs to be picked up. My second baby was much worse than first. My husband felt so angry with her for screaming and screaming. I stopped trying to understand why she was screaming, but just did what felt right. I kept feeding her, put her in a wilkinet and cuddled up to her and went for a long walk whenever things got bad. I kept her in the sling as much as possible. And gave her to someone else to hold whenever there was someone loving around. Once she was in the sling, I felt much less cross with her. She was just part of me, not this screaming monster. It turned out she had reflux which meant that she really needed to be upright after a feed, otherwise acid contents of stomach came back up and scorched her throat. But it could be colic or just needing to be fed. I also found gently stroking the baby's head when I was cuddling helped settle him/her. Sometimes I used to stand in the shower, because the noise of the shower blotted out any crying sound. And I felt better after my shower. As for cooking, I didn't unless I could talk the baby through it...It really did not help having people tell me 'Just put her down'. Later when he/she was twelve weeks, that advice was more appropriate, sometimes if baby was really frazzled, they just needed to tune out be left alone. But some babies just need company, like some grownups thrive on moments of solitude, and some love always to be with others.

Hey Kookie, have just read through your thread and I really feel for you. I remember when DD was that little and all she seemed to do was cry. I was in a similar situation to you too as DH worked all the hours under the sun (new job, involved travelling globally), and I had no family or close friends nearby. I sometimes felt at breaking point, no matter how much I loved DD at just felt so fecking hard. nothing can prepare you for the sleep deprivation that comes with a newborn baby.

If you can, just try to go with the flow a bit and feed your baby when she wants feeding rather than worrying you are going to spoil her. If she falls to sleep on the boob, so be it. Use that time for a nap yourself! (I still do and DD is 14 mo!!) Try to put away all thoughts of routine, just for now. That will come in good time. Someone else mentioned white noise earlier. This worked so well with DD (I always felt like I was cheating a bit, having the radio tuned in to static, but it bloody worked!), most of the time she would just drop off to sleep with it on.

There will be time for you in a while. Please try not to listen to friends you have who have miracle babies who slept through from 2 weeks old, were in a fixed routine from that age too ,o, etc. Of course, I don't know if you have any of those, but I have a sneaky suspicion you do! I felt like it was a bloody competition and such a failure for DD not being in much of a routine at such a young age. Eventually I learnt to tune them out, just smile sweetly and say 'oh, really'.

I feel for you so much, it is so bloody hard. It may sound trite, and may not help, but it does get much, much easier. Good luck.

Poor, poor you. Your post just rocketed me back a year to when my DS was tiny. He screamed for an average of about 8 hours a day and only slept for 20 mins at a time except for one 3-4 hour stretch in the middle of the night. Lots of people told me that I should leave him to cry (which I never did) and that I shouldn't give him a dummy (which I did). I did whatever it took to get him to sleep - cuddling him to sleep, feeding him to sleep etc. He gradually got better and better, and now at 13 months he's a better sleeper than most of the other babies I know. Whatever you do, you won't spoil him at this age.

Those first three months or so were just a hideous experience - but I promise promise promise it gets a lot better quite quickly. For now, just try to accept your baby as she is - IME the more you try to 'cure' her (of crying or sleep problems or whatever), the more frustrated and despairing you will become. Get help wherever you possibly can, and just keep telling yourself that things will improve. I know that waiting a couple of months for things to get better seems like a lifetime at the moment, but you WILL get there. Oh, and white noise was a godsend for us - got the baby to sleep like nothing else. We had a CD called 'Little Sleepyhead', with pre-recorded tracks of hoovers etc, so you didn't actually have to turn appliances on.

Make sure you swaddle her so she cannot flail around and wake herself up. The room should be dark so she can't see you clearly. Start patting her on the bottom, not her tummy so you can eventually slip away with a bit of blanket wadded up to feel like your hand. ie pat, pat, rest your hand on her, pat, pat rest your hand on her. Pat, and then when you rest your hand on her let it be the blanket so she thinks you are still there. Eventually she won't need that but she is still new so she has to get used to sleeping in some routine. Good luck on it...you are just really tired too. That is where the anger comes from...poor dear try to get some rest where you can. The baby can sense your stress too.

Agree with everyone. Please, throw out your ideas of routines and the notion that you will be in charge and able to control your baby right now. Let it go. It's honestly not forever, just temporary, and it will make you happier. I know you don't belive me, but it will. She is just a tiny little animal with animal needs. She doesn't want to sleep by herself - why would she? She's used to being jiggled about inside you. I know it's AWFUL. I know what's it's like to shout 'SHUT UP' at a little baby. YOu feel like shit too.
I would say, at least once a day, feed your baby up to the brim, give her a big cuddle, then, ignoring any shrieking, bundle her up as warm and cosy as a bug in a rug, pop her in the pram and run like a madwoman out of the house, walking briskly, and heading towards a cafe. There is a very, very good chance the warmth, milk and motion will lead to sleep, and maybe enough sleep for lunch and a coffee in a cafe, which can be enough to make you feel semi-sane again.
Good luck!

I know exactly how you feel... I was climbing the walls with DS for months! DP had to come home from work several times because I'd got myself in a total state about DS's crying.

It was a revelation to me when I realised I didn't have to do ANYTHING when DS was tiny. As soon as I stopped worrying about the laundry/shopping/housework and just concentrated on DS I felt like a load had been lifted. It all got done eventually.

I think I put far too much pressure on myself to get things done when he was asleep, and so if he didn't sleep I would get really angry.

As long as you feed yourself and (occasionally) shower, you'll be fine. Just compeltely go with the flow and try not to stress about her sleeping. Let her sleep on you and try and enjoy cuddling your tiny baby... they're not this small for long at all.

The things that saved my sanity were going out every day, even though it was bloody freezing, and make sure you eat something nice.

I just wanted to add that I am exactly the same as Kookie - I wanted and needed a routine for my babies, but with DD, now 2 and a bit, I went a bit over the top and our Baby Whisperer 'routine' sort of turned into a rigid schedule and I got rather bad PND cos I was trying so hard to do everything right. Not fun. Am trying to be more flexible this time round- DS is 12 weeks old today and like DD is a wholly breastfed baby who is asking for food more or less every three hours (not imposed, I promise you), and also gets overtired/overstimulated very quickly and it can be very hard to get him to settle. And I HATE the crying - in my arms, for ages and ages sometimes. And then I get the phantom crying in my ears. But it's getting easier, and I love it when we have a good day - he's actually much happier when he is eating and sleeping in a flexible routine (eat, bit of awake time and cuddles and play and staring at things, settle, sleep, eat etc)than when I attempt to 'go with the flow'. Maybe that's me, maybe that's my kids, but as someone who is a complete control freak I would say that a good routine that works for you AND baby can be quite hard work to establish, but may well be worth it for you. Just don't mistake a relaxed, flexible routine for a schedule, and don't worry too much about not cuddling to sleep - I was so 'successful' in getting DD to get to sleep by herself in her own cot that she's never been able to sleep anywhere else except in the car - I couldn't cuddle her to sleep, and she used to get hysterical if she wasn't in her own space and having a shout until she dropped off. Didn't make her very portable, and am now very happy that DS will drop off on me with a bit of encouragement, and is also learning to soothe himself. It was particularly rough between weeks 6 and 10, though - waaaay too much crying, regardless of what I did. It will get easier. Good luck.

Just want to say thank you so much to everyone who posted, I was having a bit of a meltdown so apols for being sweary and cross.

Things are still tough but I'm trying not to let everything be dictated by the clock, and (just had to go and check on her to make sure she was breathing, she's having a nice long sleep - hurrah!) am letting her feed longer than 45 min when she seems to need it. I am doing whatever I can to get her to sleep, which seems to be a mixture of things - shushing, rocking, cuddling, walking about, lying with her etc and I'm letting her sleep with me at night. I am still a bit anxious about creating an evening routine for her and also about getting her used to the moses basket again and eventually the cot, but I guess I need to deal with one problem at a time.

One thing I wanted to ask, all you mums letting baby fall asleep on the boob - how do you deal with winding baby? and do you feed the baby while swaddled??

Thanks all for helping me to remember that it will get better. Sorry I dropped off the thread, I was busy gulping down food and dealing with her!!

In answer to your questions, I used to feed her lying down, then just gently sit her up to wind her, she stayed asleep. If I had got her from her cot (in the night) I left her wrapped up . If she came a bit unwrapped then I just redid it before putting her back.

I really agree about the forgetting 3 hours thing. My 2 could only stay awake for about 1 and a half hours at this age. And fed whenever.

Hi Kookie,
Just read this thread and feel for you; my DS is 20 weeks old and my DH works ridiculous hours. My old life has disappeared and I felt I couldn't cope at first, especially when I wanted to be somewhere at a certain time and it always failed! I'm just getting used to my new life and still find things frustrating, but truly you just have to let it go! I'm BFing and my boy calls me for room service when he needs me and it's my job to feed, comfort and protect him in whatever way I can and it's not been that long since I accepted this. So what if you don't do the housework or shave your legs for weeks on end and you'll also find yourself scoffing whatever you have to hand, which for me has included a pizza that was still cold in the middle. Carocaro and others have given lots of fab advice, so have fun with your beautiful baby girl - you're doing a great job. When your babe falls asleep on your boob, winding is pretty easy as she's all nice and snoozy and if she's swaddled when feeding, this can help her to focus on feeding and not on whacking herself in the face with flailing arms! Take care and enjoy yourselves in your great adventure x

I fed ds2 while lying down in bed - i was often tired and dropped off too so he was very rarely winded - didn't seem to do him any harm!

They aret iny for such a short time, try to enjoy her as much as you can.

Ohhh... havent we all been there. I didnt have any routines, I sat on the sofa, watched lots of dvds, read magazines, ate SHITE as I had no time to cook (also my chief passion)but at least I just sat and fed DS, and did it whenever he wanted it, which was pretty damn regularly. Everytime he did the old 'pecking chicken' thing at my shoulder I shoved a boob into him. I also coslept which was the best and only way i could sleep. IT IS SOOOOOOOOOO great. Try it. But she is too young to sleep on her own, especially during the day. Give up, completely, and just see what happens. A routine will develope, but at the babies pace, and it will get easier, I promise. Once they are 18 and left for college..

kookie glad to know you have let things go for a bit and you seem happier.
I did use to wind dc's after feed and would feed swaddled usually found if they were really full would be pretty much asleep whilst being winded anyway!

kookie love come and join us all on the October post natal thread. We are nearly all having trouble. I am sitting here right now with a grumpy DS.

It does get better. Honestly. This is now my third DC. I still hate the crying but I know it stops soon enough.