DD 7 wks won't settle and I'm just getting so. f***ed. off with listening to her cry. HELP.

[kookiegoddess]

WHy am I getting so angry instead of feeling compassion for my crying baby? I just am so fed up of watching her almost fall asleep while I soothe her and then watching her wake herself up again. I cannot bear sitting for 20 min stretches waiting for her to stop crying. I do it but it makes me want to scream.

Am I crazy to be asking her to learn to self soothe now? I am attempting to shush her to sleep with my hands laid on her tummy and legs.

SO FRUSTRATED AND FED UP. I'm on my own as husband works all the hours under the f*ing sun, that won't change and I'm not getting on with my mum, brother too young to help. I just wish she wouldn't cry every time I swaddle her to go to sleep when we do the same thing EVERY 3 Hours - when do they learn that it's always going to be the same? WHEN?

Darling. Stop. Breathe. Don't fight this. You are going to make a rod for your own back, you will make it worse for yourself. You are only 7 weeks in, you are still recovering, all this is so new to you. You are a good Mum, babies cry and want to be with you. Have you got a sling? Both my DS's were just like your DD and at least I could do stuff around the house with them in the sling, even have a poo! You have to get into the mindset that it's all ups and downs and roughs and smooths, there is no magic cure. My DS's are 6 and 22 months and they still drive me totally nuts, but at the same time are the loves of my life and make me laugh. Your DD's first smile and giggle and cute yummyness are just around the corner, the first few weeks are what I call BABY BOOT CAMP, me time is out for a while I'm , get her out in the pram at least round the block in the morning, screw the house work and sleep when you can. Have you met up with any other new Mums yet, this is a great source of help and support, also with these new friends you can all plan and look forward to your first night out together in the not too distant future. You can do this! xx

Ah, don't shout at the OP - think she's feeling pretty rough anyway. I think it must be extra hard if you've been a very ordered and organized person, and then this bundle of chaos arrives. I know that this was definitely very difficult for a very good friend of mine, who is a lovely mother, but struggled enormously with the loss of "control" in the early days.

So glad it is not just me.

The other thing that might aid sleep, is take whatever you are wearing and place it in the cot with your DC. They will get your smell/scent and that may be all the reassurance they need.

I used to have a pile of t-shirts by the bed, if DS stirred, I would whip one off and place it by him. If that one worked, I would put another one on and wait for him to go back to sleep.

He was a lot older than 7 weeks before I introduced that concept.

HTH

KG, please don't stress, just follow the excellent advice on here and be kind to yourself.

Have to say the hardest thing about being a Mom for the first time for me was the loss of independence. I remember sobbing because I hadn't been able to take a shower in peace.

I think just relax a little, go with the flow, feed on demand an let DD fall asleep on the boob if that's needed (I was a human dummy for both my DS's).

It won't always be like this, honestly.

Lots of good advice here

I am also a control freak

The way I dealt with the first year was just to WRITE IT OFF

If you want to GET THINGS DONE you will end up hating your baby a hundred times a day

Forget it all

Just give her a year of yourself

It IS hard, but it is not forever - you will go back to being YOU eventually - drop by drop it will come back - but now is not the time to try and claw it back. Now is the time to empty yourself for your baby. Just give in to that and it will be easier.

kookie, I am a total control freak but found I had to relinquish that for a SHORT time when ds was tiny to make life better for all of us. Ds was ff by 7 weeks adn still needed a bottle every 2 hours, so don't push the 3 hr thing. It is something for you to aim for in the future, btu not fo rnow.
If you need a nipple break, have you considered a dummy? Sorry if this has been covered. some of my bfing friends used dummies successfully.

Please try very hard to remember that this time will pass and you will start to enjoy your child and have time to potter in the very near future. I HATED the first few months but after that it was fab and keeps on getting better.

Some babies love routine but some babies hate routine and you can't force a baby into a routine!
Rather than trying to feed baby on 3 hour schedule etc it might be better for you to learn the signals so you can interpret what your baby is trying to tell you when he is crying (but you have to realise you won't always be able to know). Have you read the Baby Whisperer it's quite good at explaining your babies signals. As the others said there is nothing wrong with letting your LO fall asleep on the breast (in fact it's adorable when they do that!)

As I fellow control freak I feel for you, I promise you it will get better (or at least you will find your rhythm and find it easier)

Your 7 week old baby only has one way of communicating with you and as frustrating, exhausting and confusing as it all is, you must respond to your baby. Your child does not know that she is separate from you. She doesn't understand why she is alone, flat on her back in a darkened room. It is right and natural that she wants to be in your arms. It feels wrong and painful and maddening to you to hear that screaming. It is nature telling you to pick her up. It won't be forever. This I promise you.

Are you there? OK?

you sound like me, kookie.

please reach out.

because i felt like you. i still do sometimes.

i'm horribly depressed with PND.

get a sling. try many. get several.

they help. a lot.

i promise you there's help out there. i promise you things will get better.

pick her up. a lot.

cuddle her lots.

don't be like me. i didn't with my first. i left it to her father and our family because i couldn't go there because i was so ill.

i'll always regret that.

I've heard that phantom crying too, where you think are they really crying, and check, but they're not. It's weird isn't it? I still get frustrated at my DS when he cries for a reason that isn't immediately obvious to me, but have now reasoned with myself, that I will just sit with him for a cuddle, or let him get up from bed (if he happens to be in his cot), and stuff routine or trying to tidy up or get cooking down. It has helped me to be calmer doing it this way.

kookie hope your ok some great advice here but one thing everyone agrees on is it is VERY hard having a newborn baby esp if you are doing it on your own for the most of it!
Hope dd has settled for you now.

kookie, I was the same with dd1, and also had PND exacerbated by trying to do controlled crying. I wish I hadn't done it that way, but I couldn't face the idea of not having space or time to myself.

With dd2 - thank god - a friend gave me a sling.

It might feel like stepping off a cliff but cuddle her when she cries, let her fall asleep bfing, and see how it goes.

Just feed her, feed yourself and sleep when she does. Don't do ANYTHING else.

My dd would only go to sleep on the boob for about 12 months but she's a confident, happy 2 year old who gets into bed and sings herself to sleep nowadays.

The first 12 weeks i found completely awful in so many ways but it does get easier, just surrender yourself to the feeding and get some dvds/books/audio books/good music and some ready meals/chocolate/fruit/nuts/iced water for the long evening feeds.
Sending you much sympathy, it will pass

EPIS

So proud of you my love, you are doing so well.

my ds is 9 weeks old and he cant stay awake any longer than two hours or he gets overtired and i have to fight with him to sleep. i find if i try and put him down ten mins before the two hours he has been awake he still fights it but only for minutes and he is straight to sleep. It does get easier i found with my first twelve weeks was a bit of a turning point and its just learning what your baby wants and likes which will come with time. it is still early days so dont be too hard on yourself.

Hi Kookie
I am in the same situation as you. My dd is 8 weeks tomorrow and I've been really stressing about feeding, sleeping, routines etc. I discovered last week that actually looking after her is easy if I just stop thinking and worrying about everything else. When I stopped worrying about routines, and whether it's right or wrong to feed her to sleep, and ignored the housework and gave up on cooking, and just enjoyed her, then it's lovely. I can't do everything and for now, I just need to look after her. If she wants to fall asleep feeding now, that's fine by me. I was worrying too much about what the books say, and not what she needed and she just needs me. Can you just try to forget everything else for a few days at least?

Hi Kookie, and fellow control freak. I too tried a certain book (not sure which one you have read)and my DS1 was having none of it. I started to find motherhood a lot more enjoyable when I chucked all parenting books in the bin and decided to go with the flow.

Forget the housework, your DP can help on his days off. Get a sling and carry your baby around with you so you can get some things done.

kookie as a fellow control freak, I can imagine how difficult this is for you. DS is 8 weeks now, and unlike many others on here, I am completely pro routines. But ONLY if it will make you happier, not more stressed.
I knew that there was no way I could cope without some kind of routine, and began to very gently impose one when DS was about 3 weeks old. At first this consisted only of trying to get him to take a full feed at each feed and then go at least 45 mins after that feed before I fed him again, whether he slept or was awake for that time (at first he tended to sleep ever other feed). I then eased the time out by literally a few minutes each day By the time he was 6 weeks he was going 3 hours from start of feed to start of feed, and is now in a fairly predictable 3 naps a day routine, then going to bed at 7pm and having a feed at 10:30pm. He then wakes himself for a feed about 4am.

I appreciate I may have had it easy, but I started out trying to be 'baby led' as all the MWs said, and found that actually my baby is very tiny and doesn't necessarily know what he wants all the time. For instance, when he needs sleep, he needs my help to get to sleep, and the relief in his little body is palpable as I help him nod off now (started out rocking and patting, can now pat him in the cot to sleep). So don't assume that your baby always knows best!

The other thing I discovered was that by about 6 weeks he could actually spend some time awake after a feed, even if it was only a few minutes lying on a rug with me maniacally making faces at him or holding a black and white picture up! I'm convinced some of his fury was from me trying to rock him to sleep when he still wanted to play.

However, scrap everything I have said if trying to put your baby in a routine is making you more stressed than going with the flow is. I really think that there is a parenting style that suits all of us, it's just a question of finding it and having the confidence to stick with it.

Kookie I swear my DS was a screamy nightmare, nothing soothed him and I spent many a day in tears and feeling utterly useless. I hated being a Mum , I didn't really like my DS much , I would get frustrated and feel guilty, basically the first 2-3 months were a living hell. My Mum did my head in too and I never asked for her help too. Just do whatever it takes to get her to sleep, have you tried and I may be shot down in flames for this, a dummy? My DS settled better with a dummy. There are very few babies that settle themselves this early on, they pretty much all have digestion issues and need comfort. Anyone that brags about their baby self settling at such an early age is either lying through their teeth or is very very lucky!
Does she thrash and arch her back straight after being fed, does she hate being laid down flat? My DS was like this and he had silent reflux, if you are worried then maybe see your GP.
Take heart because it does get better I swear and I know everyone says this and it's very hard to believe at the time, but it does
My DS is 16 weeks now and he is happy and doesn't scream all the live long day like he did at first. When she gives you her first smile that makes things seem a little better (or at least it did for me).

Darling, it is so tough at this stage. I felt as if my life had been smashed and broken and the pieces had been scattered around at random and that my life would never be back in any sort of shape. I hated it. And I loved/hated the baby, and hated myself for not being as blissful as I 'ought' to be.

Hang on in there - with fingernails, with chocolate, with the odd very strong gin and tonic. It will get better. I absolutely promise you that (if your child's NT!) it will get better. Like Carocaro - fab post there btw - my former screamer - both my former screamers: the ones I used to weep and rant at and want quite seriously to 'give away to social services' - are the lights of my life now. Get through the tunnel you're in...that light is at the other end of it.

Oh, and as others have almost certainly said, try a dummy, try infacol/gripe water, make sure there's no silent reflux, try raising head end of cot - try anything to get yourself some sleep!

God yes. It's a matter of basic survival at this stage.

Are you also feeling that the constant demand on you is horrific? I remember that well. I didn't want to be wanted, at least not by someone where it was constantly me giving, giving, giving...it is utterly draining. I found it quite horrible.

What carocaro said. DS1 cried continuously for about the first 3 months. I ended up carrying him everywhere in the sling, even cooking and putting the washing out with him in it! Also, cranial osteopathy really helped for his colic. It was pretty expensive but definitely worth it. Don't stress yourself out trying to get baby into a routine or trying to get things done - let everything go to pot, sleep when baby sleeps and BF on demand. It won't last forever, and don't let it put you off babies for life - DS2 was an angel as a baby (little terror now though but that's another story ...)

Hi Kookie,
My dd cried day and night and I had a stroppy toddler to contend with too.

I beat myself up because like you I loved cooking and couldn't find the time to do it and I never got a minute to myself and kind of lost who I was for a while. But things do get better, my dd is know 8 months and an angel so keep your chin up.

A good friend gave me a card with this verse on when I was at my lowest.

There will be years for cleaning and cooking.
But children grow up when your not looking.
So settle down cobwebs.
Dust go to sleep.
I'm cuddling my baby.
And babies don't keep.

Hope things get better for you soon. xx