Please help me understand the way my friend handles her DD (fussy eater)

[Weegle]

Sorry this is so long but I've tried to give as much relevant info as possible, hope someone can help - wasn't sure where to post as it's food/relationships & behaviour!

My friend's DD is 4 years old and she admits she is a fussy eater. However she will eat all the usual sweets/crisps. Whenever they come over I try to provide a meal that can be picked at and broken into component parts. It's never acceptable and my friend always gets out or asks me for something different, which also invariably is not eaten. Later on we would normally have a sweet something and her DD will tuck in to this with gusto, normally having 3-4 of something. All fine so far, none of my business really... but she keeps asking me about it and obviously not liking what I say. DS eats well - through a combination of luck and the fact he has no other options he'll pretty much eat if he's hungry, if he doesn't eat something I just take it away no comment. This works for us - he'll have hungry weeks/not such hungry weeks and we just ride with it. On Saturday we had a party here and so I did a huge buffet spread - there was a MASSIVE choice of food. It was all a little rushed as we were going out to fireworks and my friend asked DH if she could get a slice of bread for her DD. DH said yes, and started getting it for her. Then she said "could I just raid your fridge for some jam or chocolate spread?" - DH, not known for tact said "well really I think if nothing out there (on the buffet) is good enough she shouldn't be having chocolate spread offered, DW is trying to cook in here". Great, DH big mouth . Slight disagreement ensues between the two of them (DH pointing out variety already on offer, and also it's about to be followed with naughty puds which he knew the little girl would eat and friend saying she's worried DD will go hungry and she'd starve herself) and friend puts me on the spot saying "what do you think?". I really wasn't concentrating (was trying to get things in/out of oven) and said "well if it was DS I wouldn't offer him chocolate spread or jam". She went off in a huff . And it's been worrying me since. About a week previously on the phone she told me that her DD has been suffering loads with mouth ulcers and the GP had told her she thought it was diet related, she asked my opinion on that too. When I said "I get ulcers when I eat too many sweet things" she said "well it's all she'll eat". I don't want to get involved, I don't really want to give my opinion on it but what am I supposed to do when she asks me? I know from on here people really reach their wits end with fussy eaters but I do genuinely believe in this circumstance a lot of it has been exacerbated by my friend (who I should also point out is extremely fussy) but I love her dearly and would never want to upset her but she keeps on and on drawing me in to it. Can anyone tell me what I should be saying to preserve the friendship whilst maintaining my approach with DS. She really is a good friend and I would hate for this to come between us (worried it already has), and whether I should mention Saturday again? I should probably also point out that she has already had a disagreement with a mutual friend over the exact same issue. Advice please?

sweet stuff is more apealing isn't it.

a good mum tries to ensure a balancd diet.

kids don't starve themselves if they haven't got a medical condition.

its either - eat this - or dont eat kid - hard shit.

well done your dh. well one you for backing him up.

your friend is a clearly a prick

thanks custardo - I can't be quite that blunt to her face though can I?!

and she's not a prick normally, but she really seems to have lost the plot over this!

Good on your DH. Would have said the same thing to her. I would just tell her straight if she asks your opinion.

We had a little party here and someone asked if we had any more carrots. That's OK, but jam and chocolate spread...what a nerve and how daft.

Next time she asks for your advice tell her that you don't think she will like what you have to say and then tell it to her straight.

i think if she asks your opinion then you have every right to tell her what you think.
if she doesn't like it, well... tough really. she shoul;dn't ask if she doesn't want the reply should she?

Yes you can be that blunt if she asks you directly. You can try to be a bit tactful. MAybe she has other stresses in life at mo and so wants an easy life where feeding is concerned but it will just get worse as her daughter gets older. And daughter will have NO TEETH!

She's really get herself in to a state over this isn't she? Asking our opinion then just doing what she wants.

Why don't you get her a book (sure someone on here will recommend one) as a "peace offering" ???

My dd is a very fussy eater but im sure she would find something to eat at a buffet, theres no way i would ask for bread and chocolate spread. If dd would'nt eat the buffet i would say 'don't eat anything then'. I think your friend is being rude expecting something different for her dd and your dh was not out of order.

I love Custy's straight talking answers!

In answer to your post I think she (your friend) knows that she's taking a soft approach, and by including other people's opinions is trying to convince herself she is right.

However, its a tough gig to change poor dietary behaviour like this once its been "accepted" - which is why I take the no-nonsense "if you don't eat it there's nothing else" approach to my two - who are both now good eaters (having been deprived of the easy option!)

Yes she does have other stresses - well she thinks she does and that's all that matters really, and as her friend I try to support her in that. Maybe I'm making it worse by not being absolutely direct? Maybe DH got it right? But I'm so conscious that some children are more fussy than others that I don't want her just turning round to me and saying "oh well it's ok for you as your DS eats anything" - which isn't strictly true but he will eat about 95% of whats offered if he's hungry

Unless you have a problem eater, you cannot POSSIBLY understand the stress you feel and how you end up making frankly ridiculous choices at times through feeling so utterly out of control of it all.
I would say that your friend needs to really start facing up to the issues and tring to find a way of dealing with them.
But again, it's a horrendous problem to deal with and people who have never been there always, miraculously, have the answers.
I know I had ALL the answers - was very judgy-judgy and knew all the answers to a fussy eater - til I got one of my own.
I really think ou need to step away from the issue, you cant help and trust me, she is going through enough stress without knowing its all vbeing monitored and watched.

Honestly - cant stress it enough - if you havent been therre you have not a clue.

I tried showing her a book I have which has been great for getting DS to eat a bigger variety of veg saying the principles could be applied to any food and she didn't remember to take it home!

I also find it rude when she asks for alternatives (particularly beyond plain bread & butter), but thought maybe that was me being too mean? She does it in other people's houses too though, so it's not just me.

Yes, he'll eat anything because of how you are with him probably and you could try explaining that to her.

Had a similar thing with a friend recently about teeth brushing. It was such a battle that she'd given up!!! I told her straight what I thought of this and she was slightly huffy for a few weeks but she later told me it was just coz I'd made her feel like she was being a bit crap (which she was and I'd told her!) Her dd's teeth are now getting brushed in a headlock i think though. Oh dear!

AstroPup - thank you for your opinion, I was hoping to hear from a mum of a fussy eater to give me some perspective. How do you suggest I handle her questions?

i have a fussy eater btw - does that make my opinion valid now?

I think you need to say something like it must be terribly stressful for her, and say that she must be worried, and that you would be too. And emphasize that you know that you are lucky not to have a picky eater, but xy and z is what you do - but maybe she might need to get some professional advice as her dd is so fussy.

It isn't all down to your fabulous techniques over food you know. Obv you can exacerbate behaviour or model what you want/don't want but some children are horribly fussy/picky and it is v stressful.

AstroPup - can I also ask... she says she's worried about her DD "starving" herself but she has plenty of energy and she's not skinny - I could understand it more if she was small/skinny but she's not. Genuine question, is it worrying even when they're not terribly slim to the point that you will give them anything just so they will eat? DS is incredibly skinny but I know he will eat when hungry, I can't imagine how horrid it would be if he didn't. And I do actually laden is food with cheese/butter etc more than the rest of the family...

Wow - how rude of your DH - did he not think that your friend is probably trying to stop a huge meltdown in front of others? Would it have been so hard to just get the chocolate spread?

As a mum of 2 - DD who will eat anything and DS who is a nightmare I can understand where she is coming from and she probably didn't want to make food a huge issue at a social event.

Actually the more I think about it the more angry your husbands comments make me.

DS ate nothing but sausages and cucumber for almost a year - I took him to doctors and health visitors - was at my wits end and they all said the worst thing I could do was make mealtimes a battle and put too much emphasis on him eating certain things.

Now he eats all kinds of fruit, cheese yogurt, fish, carrots, chicken in breadcrumbs, mash, wedges and this weekend (after a weekend away) we have come home to find out that he has eaten chicken - not nuggets or chicken in breadcrumbs but 'chicken with bones' as he calls it - roast chicken and I was so proud I could have cried.

Your friend needs support and help not judgement and rude comments or you may find that she isn't your friend for much longer.

And before I had DS I would have probab;y been a hell of a lot more judgey - now I understand the trials and tribulations of having a fussy child and how it is such a worry - please be kind to your friend and gemntle - she needs your friendship and support.

Miyazaki - I accept it's not all down to parenting and some children are more fussy than others - I did say that earlier but in this circumstance I do think it has been exacerbated by the parenting.

I think what your dh said was fine. I think if she asks your opinion, you could just say, well, I'm lucky that I don't have problems with ds - and then you could outline what your normal policy is if you want, or not. You could also just try being a good listener rather than actively trying to advise - so just ask gentle questions rather than offering a solution?
but I don't think you need to keep making her dd a special case in your own home, particularly if it means offering treats that other kids would like but won't be offered....

[should say that my kids are not fussy, but I myself was a problem eater -but I certainly wasn't given sweet things instead. I just had the (rather bland and plain) bits of a meal I would eat. this might include just plain potatoes or pasta for e.g.]

I think she is hoping that someone, anyone, will offer up the solution but the truth is she doesn't have, imo, a 'fussy' eater she has a problem eater. there is clearly a deep set issue here with food, its not just that she doesnt like veg or whatever.
When she asks questions, I would just say "I really dont know the answer I'm afraid, I've had some fussiness but this seems like a bigger problem for your DD - have you looked at books specifically about problem, rather than faddy, eating?"

It may make her feel better to know that she can acknowledge the issue has got out of hand and that she doesn't need to just pass it off as a bit of fussy eating.

From what you said it almost certainly has, but if you were in her shoes, how would you like a friend to support you?

And yes - if your child will eat nothing but sausages that is the first thing you buy at the supermarket each week - you just as a parent want them to eat - and it is nothing to do with how you are with them - in terms of eating I haven't treated my kids differently at all.

Oh and DHs mum was a district nurse way back and her eldest son only ate digestive biscuits, weetabix and glasses of milk with a raw egg cracked in for protein - she has gioven me help and understanding and above ll made me realise that I am not a bad mother and it is something DS will grow out of.