Please help me understand the way my friend handles her DD (fussy eater)

[Weegle]

Sorry this is so long but I've tried to give as much relevant info as possible, hope someone can help - wasn't sure where to post as it's food/relationships & behaviour!

My friend's DD is 4 years old and she admits she is a fussy eater. However she will eat all the usual sweets/crisps. Whenever they come over I try to provide a meal that can be picked at and broken into component parts. It's never acceptable and my friend always gets out or asks me for something different, which also invariably is not eaten. Later on we would normally have a sweet something and her DD will tuck in to this with gusto, normally having 3-4 of something. All fine so far, none of my business really... but she keeps asking me about it and obviously not liking what I say. DS eats well - through a combination of luck and the fact he has no other options he'll pretty much eat if he's hungry, if he doesn't eat something I just take it away no comment. This works for us - he'll have hungry weeks/not such hungry weeks and we just ride with it. On Saturday we had a party here and so I did a huge buffet spread - there was a MASSIVE choice of food. It was all a little rushed as we were going out to fireworks and my friend asked DH if she could get a slice of bread for her DD. DH said yes, and started getting it for her. Then she said "could I just raid your fridge for some jam or chocolate spread?" - DH, not known for tact said "well really I think if nothing out there (on the buffet) is good enough she shouldn't be having chocolate spread offered, DW is trying to cook in here". Great, DH big mouth . Slight disagreement ensues between the two of them (DH pointing out variety already on offer, and also it's about to be followed with naughty puds which he knew the little girl would eat and friend saying she's worried DD will go hungry and she'd starve herself) and friend puts me on the spot saying "what do you think?". I really wasn't concentrating (was trying to get things in/out of oven) and said "well if it was DS I wouldn't offer him chocolate spread or jam". She went off in a huff . And it's been worrying me since. About a week previously on the phone she told me that her DD has been suffering loads with mouth ulcers and the GP had told her she thought it was diet related, she asked my opinion on that too. When I said "I get ulcers when I eat too many sweet things" she said "well it's all she'll eat". I don't want to get involved, I don't really want to give my opinion on it but what am I supposed to do when she asks me? I know from on here people really reach their wits end with fussy eaters but I do genuinely believe in this circumstance a lot of it has been exacerbated by my friend (who I should also point out is extremely fussy) but I love her dearly and would never want to upset her but she keeps on and on drawing me in to it. Can anyone tell me what I should be saying to preserve the friendship whilst maintaining my approach with DS. She really is a good friend and I would hate for this to come between us (worried it already has), and whether I should mention Saturday again? I should probably also point out that she has already had a disagreement with a mutual friend over the exact same issue. Advice please?

I think your friend should take a little packed lunch with her rather than expecting alternatives. Ds can be a bit fussy so when we go to other people's I suggest they give him the same as everyone else is having and then if he eats nothing at all I give him some chunks of cheese and a humzinger that I've brought with me so that he's not hungry. Would never expect my host to provide something different for him. I find like most people have said that it's amazing what he will eat if he's not been offered a snack all day!

Weegle it seems you are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

If your friend asks again I would say that I really couldn't comment and perhaps she would be better speaking to her GP or HV. I do think its frightfully rude that she expects you to cater for her DD though. If her food range is so narrow then it can be little trouble for her to always bring a chocolate spread/jam sandwich with her and if people are in the middle of catering for a party which you both were then she shouldn't expect you to drop everything for her.

In fact I would mention it to her again. You could apologise for both Dh and yourself being a bit snappy and suggest in future that she brings something she knows that her DD can eat.

This is a hard situation. Does your friend actually want advice or does she just want you to reassure her by saying that everything is fine. (which it obviously isn't).
Fussy eating is a huge problem and effects nearly every aspect of social life. I was an extremely fussy eater and I'm very angry with my parents for letting me be. It wasn't until I went to university that I actually started trying foods. Before that I lived on sugar, potatoes, white mild cheddar and chicken nuggets. My friends at uni couldn't believe that I had never tried foods such as: pasta, fish, peas, red meat, rice, sauce of any type, cooked veg, egg, soup etc. The list is endless.
I was never told I had to eat anything. In fact nothing was offered, instead whatever I wanted I got.
I now have a countless amount of fillings and real difficulties with digestion. For a long time after I started uni and started eating more 'normally' I couldn't keep anything down, my body outright rejected these 'strange' things.
A child has to be taught what is good and bad for them in all respects. Food is no different. Giving in and allowing sweet things instead of a meal will result in problems.
It is also extremely embarrassing once you are older and become excluded from things because you can't eat the things other people do.

I hear what people are saying about picky eaters, but reading the OP it seems that the little girl in question will eat anything sweet.

That doesn't make her a serious problem fussy eater like those that other posters have described, IMHO - it makes her a little girl with a sweet tooth who is allowed to get away with not eating other stuff.

No 'proper' food, no sweet stuff would at least be worth trying FGS - she just (!) needs to be convinced that her DD will not in fact starve even if she eats literally nothing for a few days.

Meant to say - it is entirely understandable that she has lost perspective on the problem, but if she asks for advice she knows there is a problem and she should listen to the advice when given.

Lilybeto, it is really interesting to hear the pov of an adult that had eating issues as a child.

My friend is a very fussy eater, having her stay is a nightmare. She will not eat cheese, beans, potatoes, bread, butter, fish, tomatoes or any tomato based sauce, mushrooms, yoghurt. She does not drink tea, coffee or milk. She will eat some dry cereal for breakfast. She will however eat chocolate after chocolate.
I love her dearly but it drives me crazy cooking her a special dinner as little dd tucks in to hers. I feel like saying "why can't you be like her ?!(she's 2.5)"

It's very interesting to hear views of another adult fussy eater. As I said before, I too was a fussy eater as a child - my issues were all about texture and they applied as equally to sweet things as savoury. My parents were of the no-pandering school of thought and apart from some massive food aversions now (rice pudding, semolina, boiled eggs) I eat pretty much everything and a very diverse diet. My parents had many faults but actually I think they got that mostly right, because now I happily eat anything and have done pretty much since 11 or 12 I think. And my food aversions come from going to a primary school which had the same menu week after week and forced you to eat a bit of everything - so every Thursday for 7 years I had to eat rice pudding/semolina - I hated Thursdays for a VERY long time! There is a difference between being given no other options and being forced to eat something.

DH and I were talking about this again over dinner. He maintains his viewpoint that the little girl should have just been offered bread and butter and it was rude of her to ask for more. He just doesn't get why she keeps asking for advice if she doesn't like the answer and wonders if Saturday may have been the catalyst needed. She also has a younger 13 month old DD who is now also starting to cut foods out and she is going down the same route. Anyway, as her friend I will try to point out that I'm not best placed to give advice as DS is quite straight forward and the "if he's hungry enough he'll eat" approach works with him, but that she should maybe talk to the HV or GP again as it's obviously still a problem. On DH's insistence I am also going to stop trying to make foods to satisfy and just go with something "normal" and ask my friend to bring something else for her DD if she doesn't think she'll eat it. Will also stop having naughties when those particular friends are over because a) then other children/DS won't feel there are different standards and b) I'm dieting and don't need the temptation anyway!

I haven't read all the replies, but as the mother of a fussy eater I would advise you to avoid being drawn into this if at all possible.

I have tried everything with my son, but it remains a constant struggle. When people who have non-fussy eaters tell me what they did and what I should do, it just makes me cross. It's like those people with good sleepers who say "oh well just follow a nice bedtime routine - bath, stories etc - and that will work" - as if that course of action would never have occurred to the other parent!

I know she asks your opinion, so it puts you in a difficult position. But, if your priority is to maintain your friendship, I would suggest you say "I'm really sorry, I'd love to give you some helpful advice but I honestly don't know what the solution is, so any advice I give you might be inappropriate. I feel for you, it's tricky etc etc" That way she'll know she's got your support, and there's no danger of you ever sounding smug or judgemental.

I think that criticism (whether direct or implied) of a friend's parenting style is one of the most contentious issues a friendship can face, and I'd avoid it at all costs!

i'm with rachelg on this one! but then i am non-confrontational by nature. there is no way i would be getting drawn into this potential minefield of a situation if i could possibly avoid it!!

Weegle, can understand why she's lost plot. As a mum yourself of a generally good eater, you can't quite understand what having a fussy eater's all about. DS1 was the fussiest of all 5 of mine (ok, number 5 can't really have a choice in the matter as all he gets at the mo is breastmilk ). And it was ROUGH going. I felt like a terrible mother, and was clever enough NOT to ask other mums what they thought because I knew the general opinion would be 'let him eat if he's hungry, if not take it away'.

He didn't really have a penchant for sweets, more savoury type things like cocktail sausages & crisps. Now at nearly 9 he is still a fussy eater while all others will happily eat whatever is put in front of them. I feel a bit because I feel sometimes like I was so concentrated on him, other kids have just had to get on with eating whatever they have. This coupled with typical 'am-I-paying-more-attention-to-my-eldest' syndrome and I was a wreck at teatime most days.

As far as what you can say - don't make it an issue - it already is one for her, obviously. Try to avoid the subject, I'm sure it will be tense for a bit. If she brings it up, apologise - say 'I know we were both put on the spot and I'm sorry, we both have different children don't we!' something along that. Make it lighthearted. If she asks for advice, advise her to go to the GP if she's REALLY worried, otherwise tell her you're sure she's doing all she can and her DD will grow out of it.

Hope to help.

Some children are fussy eaters ,but as a parent we've all given in to our children to make our lives(easier)but with your friend i think she has to cut out most of the sweet stuff and go back and start learning her child to eat a healthy diet,i work in a school and at least 6 of the children have fillings or have had teeeth taken out i'm in reception class.As someone who has been overweight most of her life your friend needs to encourage her child to eat well,because i was big i missed out on lots of socialising ie swimmimg going shopping with friends etc,since having my own 3 have improved my cooking and lost a few pounds myself.

If she REALLY wants to tackle her daughter's diet there's a book called Can't Eat Won't Eat published by Jessica Kingsley. It is about children on the autism spectrum, but it relevant for any fussy eater - especially if they're sensitive to textures. Some advice from the GOSH eating clinic for example.

DS1 used to be very very fussy. There were about 8 items of food he would eat, no meat, no fish, no fruit, no veg. He's severely autistic. School tackled it - but it took about a year. They started by giving him a crisp with a tiny piece of baked bean sauce on it. Once he'd eat that then it was a crisp broken in 4, to make tiny crisp sandwiches with one baked bean as the filling. Then it was a crisp with a tiny piece of mashed potato.

Now he eats reasonably well. Will tuck into a roast dinner, shepherds pie - etc. Isn't great on fruit and veg, will eat apples, pears potatoes.

DS2 (NT) is fussy, but we have done the 'tough that's all that's on offer' approach with him. It's worked to an extent in that he'll eat. But he still fusses.

God Jimjams, that brings back very vivid memories! DS1 (Asperger's, skinny as hell, definitely would starve if allowed) hated potatoes in any form except crisps. We built on the crisps by giving him minute fragments of crispy roast potato and (over nearly a YEAR) built it up to a whole potato. He can just about tolerate plain boiled or baked potato now, as long as he's offered it regularly. It's texture more than taste, I think -- he hates so many different textures of food.