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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

dd being bullied & begging for more...

13 replies

cariboo · 08/10/2008 20:19

Dd(8) is being bullied by her "best friends", These girls were her closest mates since age 3 but now have decided dd is uncool, or whatever 8yrolds say. Dd not forthcoming on details but these girls push her, kick her, pull her hair & tell her to get lost but dd keeps going back for more. She says they're her friends & she loves them - how sick is that?! I'm desperate for dd - she's pretty, charming, etc but very naïve.We've had a dreadful year as ds (5) has behavioral problems & is now in psychotherapy. All ds' problems have put a huge strain on our marriage and of course on dd. She has repetitive nightmares & night terrors, is very insecure & basically a sitting duck with her heart on her sleeve. True to human nature, her so-called best friends shun her, she in turn tells teacher, girls get told off, bullying gets worse. If I intervene, the girls will be punished but I know the bullying will either get even worse or dd will be completely ignored for years to come. This is agony! What can I do to help?

OP posts:

lemonlady · 08/10/2008 20:25

cariboo you poor thing, it has got to stop asap for both your sakes.
its hard with girls expecially loyal ones (my dd 7 the same). school needs to be made aware in detail, bullies seem to get away with it always.
hugs to you and your dd.

I wish sometimes my dd would just stay away from the nasty kids,but she likes them as sometimes they are nice. feel like knocking their heads off.

Original poster

cariboo · 08/10/2008 20:28

Exactly. Feel like going round to those b*tches homes & smacking them upside the head.

OP posts:

DesperateHousewifeToo · 08/10/2008 20:33

Do you know the parents well?

Could you approach them in a non-accusative way i.e. ''our dd's don't seem to be getting on well at the moment, any ideas why?''.

That might open up channels of communication enough to admit that your dd is often upset by them.

Is there a ring leader you could invite over? Do 8yr olds still do that? Or do something that they would think was really cool.

Isn't there a book that is always recommended that gives suggestions on how to deal with these situations. I'll see if I can find it.

barking · 08/10/2008 20:34

God this must be hard for you and your family.
I got bullied at primary and my dm killed the enemy with kindness and invited her to my birthday - I remember being horrified at the time but the girl never picked on me again.

Maybe worth a shot - it will completely bamboozle them...don't know whether to suggest inviting them over to play individually or as a group, try and keep a steady but firm voice and say to them something like 'I'm so glad you have grown out of being mean to (daughter's name) while smiling through gritted teeth and move on, I guess the Gandhi quote springs to mind 'be the change you want to see in the world, especially if your daughter wants their friendship so much.

Another thought is assertiveness for her - Tai kwon do/ Judo etc. to help her find her confidence and her voice. Or try a relaxation cd for children at nightime - I've used one called 'relax kids' from amazon.

Or re-direct her focus onto another group - is there a horsey group or a ballet group that she could strike up new friendships with?

My 3 all love swimming, its the one thing they adore, get loads of exercise and are very relaxed afterwards.

Hope she finds a way through this. I really feel for you xx

UniversallyChallenged · 08/10/2008 20:45

Year 3? Mine have ALL had trouble at that age. Really feeling for you It's time to get it sorted (am presuming you have been to the teacher?)- straight to the top like you would if you were in a shop and the assistant's weren't helping. Go to the head. Not agressively but with a written list of what has been going on and through gritted teeth keeping calm.
It will settle down, but i have found that being pro-active, making myself seen, calms things down. Doing nothing doesnt work.

You say if you intervent the bullying will get worse - I don't agree with that at this age. Secondary school maybe, but not in year 3.

soon2be3 · 08/10/2008 20:45

I was bullied when I was 13 years old. I ended up changing schools, which helped. With hindsight, this is what I would do in your shoes:

If you can't change schools, can you get her to change her friends by meeting new ones? After school, could she join a club (in which her school friends are not part of?)
Ask your local church group for help. Ultimately, it was a local church group that saved me. The local church group introduced me to new aquaintances, and many of the friends I have today are those who I met through those aquaintances.

In my opinion, it is vital for your daughter to have a different set of friends outside school hours. Even better, if your daughter could have a hobby outside school hours, such as horse ridding, dancing, pottery, cycling club, anything! If her friends at school realise that your daughter has a (better) life away from them, and more importantly, that she has allies, they will be less incline to pick on her. I have often found that it is those who appear socialy isolated that tend to be attractive targets for bullies.

DesperateHousewifeToo · 08/10/2008 20:49

I'm not sure if any of these would help with ideas..

a list from Amazon

I really hope this stops soon. One of my worst nightmares having to deal with bullies

compo · 08/10/2008 20:51

I agree with UC, go to the head. Take dh with you for moral support. print off the school's anti bullying policy from their website and tell him / her in what ways the school is failing your dd by not following their own policy

Original poster

cariboo · 08/10/2008 20:52

Dd begged me, in tears, not to intervene. It's bad enough that she's not "allowed" to have the same H&M t-shirt as these girls because she'd be "copying" & therefore pathetic. I have to grit my teeth but am soooo angry. Would love to call the parents & say 'your darling little soandso is a right proper b*tch & here's the proof!' Worse, dd & ds attend private RC school (dh RC but from what I've witnessed, I'll NEVER convert from CoE!) - education brilliant but hypocrites abound from the cradle, so it seems.

OP posts:

Original poster

cariboo · 08/10/2008 21:04

What killed my thread? Private or RC?
sorry, am feeling a bit sensitive tonight.

OP posts:

UniversallyChallenged · 08/10/2008 21:06

cariboo - of course she feels scared if you intervene so I wouldnt tell her. This cant go on and one mum approached me when dd2 was unkind to her son and had a go - I said "this is a school situation, we werent there, lets go to the teacher" and the mum got soundly told off by the teacher for taking it "to the school gates" as the teacher put it.
Keep it in school as much as possible (apart from the good suggestions of inviting the bullies one by one round if you can bear it )

The staff are trained to deal with these things subtley as poss - but your dd doesnt need to know and you can tell the head her worries that it will make it worse.

DesperateHousewifeToo · 08/10/2008 21:23

No rpoblem with private or RC.

Agree you must go to the Head. Get an agreed plan of action.

Does anyone else have any problems with these girls so that you could go with another parent?

Am off to bed, not ignoring any more posts

UniversallyChallenged · 20/10/2008 22:27

Cariboo - how are things going for you dd?

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