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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Spiteful Child

20 replies

cherryapple · 21/09/2008 10:04

Hiya, I need some advice please. I become friends with another mum some months ago she has a child the same age as mine. The thing is her child is so spiteful every time we meet them my lo ends up in tears my lo is very placid & would never hit another child. They are both 2.5 yeras old.There was one incident when myself and the mum were chatting and in a split second her lo bit mine so hard it left a mark.
My lo attends nursery and never has problems with other children her child just seems to make a beeline for mine. When we arrange to meet up it's getting to the point I dread it I get on so well with the mum but its getting to the point that I dont want to be friends with her as her lo is so nasty. I am the sort of person that wouldnt end a friendship over children fighting but its not even that it's bullying.

I aways try to keep a close eye on them but things happen so quickly.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

SmugColditz · 21/09/2008 10:07

2.5 year olds don't bully, the key is supervision. You have to practically sit on some children because they are quick and they have little self control, but that doesn't make it bullying. Provide a higher level of supervision or do activities that involve keeping them away from each other. 2.5 is the age where you can't just sit and chat while they get on with it but give the 18 months and you won't see them for dust, it will be great. Ride it out, it's a stage, and I assure you it's actually worse having the biter than the bitee.

RubySlippers · 21/09/2008 10:08

a child of 2.5 is not spiteful or a bully

biting is a fairly routine, if not too pleasant part of toddlerhood

what does the mum do when her LO bited yours?

she needs to take her LO out of the situation and tell her "NO"

cornsilk · 21/09/2008 10:08

Agree with SC - sit and play with them.

RubySlippers · 21/09/2008 10:08

bited

must preview - "bit"

pgwithnumber3 · 21/09/2008 10:11

I understand it is hard but firstly you have to realise that a 2
5 year old is not capable of bullying, they have no idea what they are doing is spiteful or hurtful.

It is part and parcel of small children growing up and if you really don't like it, you will have to stop seeing the parent otherwise, maybe you could have a word with your friend. In my experiences in the past of DD1 and other children, sometimes some children do not get on well together, just like adults don't. A couple of years ago I met a Mum who has gone on to become one of my best friends. My DD1 and her DD1 (both 4 at the time) did not get on whatsoever. Now they are best friends. Children change all the time.

There is not a lot you can do to change it I'm afraid.

pgwithnumber3 · 21/09/2008 10:12

should read 2.5 year old

SmugColditz · 21/09/2008 10:13

yes, don't allow your children to pick your friends for you. My best friends don't have children, they are my friends. I'm not going to live my life being a tag along at the ds's play dates.

kittywise · 21/09/2008 10:35

It's very tricky when there is a child that is somewhat aggressive and yours isn't.

As everyone has said though it's not bullying!!!!!!!!.

Children of that age have no impulse control at all and are only starting to understand what is and isn't socially acceptable.

yes you have to watch them like hawks.

My only concern in this sort of situation is how the mother deals with the 'aggressor'.

Does she tell the child off and make it clear that the behaviour isn't acceptable? Does she remove the child for a while?Make a fuss of your child?

If she carries on as if nothing much has happened then that's crap and I would suspect thaat the kid will get worse as it is being shown no boundaries.

Hopefully though the other mother is trying her best, it's a passing phase and all will work out well.

lulumama · 21/09/2008 10:40

2.5 year olds are not bullies or spiteful, they have very large egos and get frustrated easily, and cannot work out why the world does not revolve around them and they don't understand taking turns etc.

i had a child who was bitten a lot by a child at nursery, then my second child was a biter. so i see it from both POVs.

i can categorically tell you that 2.5 year olds are not purposefully spiteful.

or a bully

bullying is a sustained and premediatated long term attack on someone else, 2.5 year olds don;t do that

Original poster

cherryapple · 21/09/2008 10:40

Thankyou for your replies. Yes I know that a 2.5 yr old doesn't understand bullying but her mum doesnt realy say much when her lo hurts mine.Apparently her lo doesnt do it to other children just mind. The mum said my lo should toughen up but I dont want my lo to toughen up. Even on one occasion my lo was sitting happily and the lo came over and started grabbing my lo by the sleeve my lo got up and moved away. I don't know its really difficult I know its all part of growing up but I hate their visits or meeting up at times.

OP posts:

lulumama · 21/09/2008 10:44

the mum might be embarassed or not know how best to deal with the behaviour. it is not very supportive to withdraw your friendship over it. maybe offer her some parenting advice?

MrsMattie · 21/09/2008 10:47

It's up to the child's mother, and to a certain extent, to you, to supervise their play and deal with biting/hitting etc appropriately. A 2.5 yr old cannot be 'spiteful'. If I were you, i would try to talk to your friend about it. It could be your little angel who turns into the little horror one day!

kittywise · 21/09/2008 14:23

That your dc should 'toughen up' is a piss poor attitude. Sounds like you should steer clear and find someone more suitable?

pgwithnumber3 · 21/09/2008 15:21

If she can't see that it is bothering you and your DD then maybe she is the type of person you should be mixing with.

notsoteenagemum · 21/09/2008 15:37

I sympathise with you I have had this problem with friend since DS and her DS were walking. I'm pleased they're both in (different) schools now and I can just meet my friend withut the boys.
I used to suggest things to her through anecdotes from work (I work in a nursery)and really praise my DS for playing nicely.

Original poster

cherryapple · 21/09/2008 17:41

Yes, it is hard Im just so fed up that my child ends up being physically hurt every time we see them.Usually when I go to meet friends to catch up I look forward to it but not with them. I really get on with the mum but I cant relax when the 2 children are playing because in a matter of minutes my child has been bitten or slapped.I know a lot of other mums and my child gets on fine with them.

OP posts:

kittywise · 21/09/2008 20:18

I guess only you can decide whether the friendship is worth the angst. Personally I would steer clear for a while then maybe the other child will have grown out of the biting/slapping phase.

TheProvincialLady · 21/09/2008 20:28

I must warn you that your placid child may well very quickly turn into a..less placid one. Like my DS, formerly angelic, who has just decided to be the one who pushes other children down the slide, pull their hair etc. But if you don't feel that the other mother does anything to stop it you can either give them a wide berth or say something.

HonoriaGlossop · 21/09/2008 20:30

Why not arrange to go swimming with this mum rather than just a chat/play date?

If they're in the pool they'll be in your arms and further away from eachother and hopefully a lot too busy splashing and playing to think about biting. It means your friend will HAVE to pay attention to her dd all the time. Even if you get a coffee after in the cafe you can stick the girls in highchairs on opposite sides of the table.

Just an idea that seems to enable you to keep on meeting but take the opportunity away for the little girl to bite/hit.

theyoungvisiter · 21/09/2008 20:41

I agree with the other posters - this is not bullying and please try not to label the other child as spiteful even though it's hard to watch, they all go through phases like this.

My friend's DS went through a very similar phase and for a while our meetings were tricky as my DS invariably ended up getting hit/scratched/bitten and he is not a very physical child. However the other little boy quickly grew out of the phase and is now very charming. Don't be too quick to judge as your lo may be the biter in a few months!

Personally I wouldn't end your friendship over it (I certainly never considered not seeing my friend and it definitely wasn't her fault that her DS was going through a feisty phase) - but if you think the other mother is not taking this seriously then and it's really bothering you then why not say something to the mother next time it happens. Don't just hint - say something like "it's bothering me that X keeps biting Y. Could we both try to supervise a bit more closely and work out what we can do to stop it happening?"

And I think while it's never acceptable to discipline another child, I think you can show that you don't appreciate the behaviour. Ie you can separate them, make a fuss of your DS and say something to the other child like "look, you've made Y very sad because you bit him/her."

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