Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

just totally lost my senses. my son is a destructive, bully and i do not know what to do.

82 replies

deanychip · 26/08/2008 14:48

I am shaking and cant stop cryig.
He has just completely bullied and hurt his little cousin.....when he thought that no one was watching.

I saw him jumping up and down on her while she cried and cowered in a corner.
what would you do in this situation?

OP posts:

DrNortherner · 26/08/2008 15:38

Hi deanychip. I have a ds who is 6. Whern he was 4/5 and in reception year we went through a similar time. My ds can be the loveliest most caring boy, but on the other hand he could be horrible to other kids and always teasing/hitting. He even spat in my face and pulled my hair.

I felt like you. I knew other people didn't like him , and I understood them, he was my kid and most of the time I didn't like him.

I am pleased to say we came through it, and his behaviour improved ten fold. However, he still has a tendency to wind people up and.

In his mind he always felt justified in doing what he did (someone had something he didn't/some one was first in the queue and not hime), I know this does not justify his behaviour but it can explain it.

There is no shame in feeling this way about your child. They can push you to the absolute edge sometimes.

You will get through this. I think the praise is a good point - praise him for every small nice thing he does, otherwise every day is a battle and he will never feel good about himself. It's very easy to fall into a pattern, but it can be broken.

Good luck
x

juuule · 26/08/2008 15:38

It sounds like it's all been too much for him and totally exhausted him.

I'd apologise, too.

Find out what caused him to react the way he did.
Let him know that he overdid it.
Let him know that if someone upsets him he can come and tell you and you will help him sort it out.

Not trying to tell you what to do, I'm just saying what I think I would do.

mrz · 26/08/2008 15:40

Do you think that you may have reacted more strongly because of their disapproval than you would have in your own home? (Simply because you feel uncomfortable around them)

juuule · 26/08/2008 15:41

Deanychip - it can be useful to talk about the bad things that have happened during the day, but without recriminations. You can discuss how things could have been done differently and what the possible outcomes could have been.

greenandpleasant · 26/08/2008 15:43

if this helps at all, I have just been spending time with with two lovely families. 5yo boy from one family, very gentle in nature, wanted to close the door. 2 yo boy from other family, was messing with door and had his fingers in the way. 5 yo closed the door anyway! he knows full well that this is not the right thing to do ... but just didn't see the way to getting to where he wanted to be, ie doors closed, via the "adult" route of asking the other boy to move his hands. It may be that your ds just wanted something from his cousin and simply, for that moment, did not have the tools to reason through how to get it so resorted to a more aggressive tactic. now if I had walked in on 5yo "deliberately" closing door on 2yo's fingers I would have been mad too! horrible to witness and right to punish but their wiring and reasoning is still so different to ours, they are so impatient and live in the moment.

no advice in particular, just wanted you to know that your ds is not different to many many boys and possibly girls his age.

LynetteScavo · 26/08/2008 15:44

deanychip, your DS isn't a bully, he's a 5 year old who is still learning apropriate behaviour. It sounds as if you were both in a stressfull situation - no wonder you lost it and shouted (I have been know to do the same thing when my DSs play up in front of my mother )

It sounds as if he's been quite angelic for the rest of the day!

Remember, when it comes to kids, God gives us just enough to test us. -

HonoriaGlossop · 26/08/2008 15:44

yes good for you for intending to apologise. I think your reaction was out of all proportion to what he did TBH and I think there's absolutely no reason (given how positively you usually parent him and how good he sounds) that this couldn't have been dealt with much more calmly. To be so shaken and upset as you were and thinking of him in those terms; it is YOUR issue isn't it, not really his...relating to your family, clearly.

I think you need to keep shielding him as you already do, keep going with it...good luck!

Original poster

deanychip · 26/08/2008 15:46

mrz i dont think so, i was genuinely disgusted at his behaviour, if it had been here at home with another child, i think that i would have reacted the same way.
Drnorthener thankyou so much for your words, i am relieved that someone has been where i am, and understand at such a level that i just dont think i could put into words. especially after a couple of comments from some one on here. i would not be brave enough.
The truth is i dont hate him, i am disapointed that he is the way he is at times, but then thats up to me isnt it to sort out.

OP posts:

DrNortherner · 26/08/2008 15:57

I know you don't hate him.

It's hard when you are a good person and you see your child doing something so mean to another.

This will pass.

juuule · 26/08/2008 15:58

How old is his cousin?

combustiblelemon · 26/08/2008 16:03

You sound like you're doing everything you can. You just had a really bad day, and some of your anger probably stems from the fact that you wanted your family to see his 'good' side and what he did will just confirm their negative views.

Keep strict with the diet and remember when things like today happen that it's the behaviour that's bad not the child. As for your family, I'd stay away for a while TBH, because they make you so stressed and defensive. If you want him to spend time with his cousins, maybe try doing it outside where they can run around?

Children are supposed to be noisy, messy etc. As the lunatic running, climbing shrieking one in a family of bookish, quiet people, can I say that your bedtime routine of positive things is beautiful . It can be difficult as a child to feel different, and reminding him that you love him as he is rather than trying to change the normal but noisy/exhuberant behaviour is brilliant.

Original poster

deanychip · 26/08/2008 16:07

thanks for that x
His cousin is also 5 and my mother tells me that she is going through a "telling tales" and "lying" phase.
They do get on ok usually. I am very wary though.

OP posts:

juuule · 26/08/2008 16:12

So, it could have been 2 5yo having a scrap and the cousin was coming off worse at the point you intervened.

It does sound normal stuff the more you say about it. Not okay and needs some adult input but not really unusual for 5yo to have disagreements and let things slip on the self-control front.

dittany · 26/08/2008 16:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

deanychip · 26/08/2008 16:17

yes, could be right juule,will see what he says when he wakes up and we have a talk.

I think that what is best fro him and me is to just saty away from the family perminantly.
Its not fair on any of us.

He is gorgeous you know, he really is such good fun and sweet and bright and helpful, adores his daddy. His cousins LOVE coming to our house because they have such good fun with him.

OP posts:

juuule · 26/08/2008 16:18

"He is gorgeous you know, he really is such good fun and sweet and bright and helpful, adores his daddy. His cousins LOVE coming to our house because they have such good fun with him. "

Awww, that is lovely.
Don't let your family (adults) spoil things.

CashmereKate · 26/08/2008 16:25

TBH Deany, I would avoid your family for a bit. You are (understandably) anxious about what they think (even subconsciously)and that anxiety is probably picked up by your ds.

Here's an example - I have dreadful in-laws. Dh and I get so so stressed when they come to visit and my dses pick up on it and behave so so badly. My in-laws scowl and talk about poor discipline and giving them a smack etc etc. Then the in-laws go home, dh and I relax and then the boys revert to their lovely, funny, kind, sweet selves. We cut down on the in-law visits to once or twice a year and it's so much easier.

Good luck.

Original poster

deanychip · 26/08/2008 16:29

cashmerekate, your inlaws sound like my family.
its hard isnt it.
i am often envious of people who say that their mothers look after their grandkids, or sisters help out, i could never in a million years leave my boy with any of them without me or dh bieng in the room with them.
They have all said that they would batter him if i gave him to them for a week, they would make him into a different kid.

OP posts:

Lizzylou · 26/08/2008 16:30

Aw Deany, you both sound lovely (am going to pinch the idea about 5 things which you love about him/that he did well today).
Girls can be tinkers too, they are just much more adept at hiding it imo. Boys are just so much more "straightforward" and obviously naughty (well, mine are!).

CashmereKate · 26/08/2008 16:30

Christ - no wonder he plays up when he sees them.

I would drop them like a hot potato tbh.

Original poster

deanychip · 26/08/2008 16:34

it is a lovely thing yes, we have done this since he was very small. he delights in it and no matter how horrible the day has been, i can always always think of loads more than 5 things.
It is a nice end to his little day! It also breaks that negative cycle for me, it makes me think of the positives.
Always always the next day is a clean slate, no matter what has happened.

tis a very good system.

OP posts:

Buda · 26/08/2008 16:50

You poor thing. It does sound as if your family are part of the cause as you are on edge around them and he will pick up on it of course.

Give him lots of cuddles later.

I love your nighttime routine - it sounds really lovely. A friend has 4 children and does something similar but at the dinner table each evening. Each child gets to say what was the best and worst bit of their day - for the worst things they then all discuss ways of sorting it.

singyswife · 26/08/2008 19:57

Hi did ds wake up and tell you what had happened?? Hope you are all feeling better abuot things now. Take care

msdemeanor · 26/08/2008 20:10

Things aren't always what they seem. My ds pushed a kid into a (very shallow) pond at a birthday party. Sounds awful, doesn't it? That kid was bullying ds mercilessly from the start of the party, including telling ds's best friend (whose party it was) not to play with 'that stupid boy' etc.
I went ballistic at him. But thinking back, think the boy deserved it! (bad woman emoticon)

Janni · 26/08/2008 20:24

The times when I have completely overreacted to things my children have done have been because I'm tired and stressed OR because I feel their behaviour reflects badly on ME and my parenting.

You need to stop blaming yourself and start looking at this little boy more objectively.
Try to imagine it's someone else's child. How would you react? Probably firmly and decisively, but not screaming and furious.

It's hard being a mum because we're meant to have so much influence and control, but sometimes our DC just do stuff that appalls us. Just a thought My DS1 started kicking and hurting his little brother when he started school (aged nearly 5). He was being bullied and was acting out at home.

You could get your son to make a little card to say sorry to his cousin if you think that would mean something to him.

Flip

1 2 3 4