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Behaviour/development

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Original poster

Nightmare 13month old, just 'kinda' let her cry it out and it worked, what should i do next?

19 replies

mamachat · 26/08/2008 12:49

DD is always bf to sleep, or pushed in the pram or I take her out in the car.

Also she demands the breast when she is tired or teething...

Just been to see health visitor who bacisally said I have to take control which I know is true...

So I was feeling like a shit parent, dd was tired and moaning and I had to make her lunch, so I stuck her in the cot closed the door and let her cry...

Then I opened the door and she was standing there crying and screaming, had climbed out cheeky monkey!!!!!!!

So I put her in the high chair for luch, and did not comfort her as I normally would after letting her cry.

I fed her lunch then she started looking like she was nodding off, IN THE CHAIR!!!! she has never ever done anything like that before as she is such hard work to get to sleep... so I took her out and tried to put her on the floor to let her go to sleep but she was so sleep that as soon as I had her in my arms she was nodding off...

I held her for 2mins max and she was down in her cot asleep...

So what do I do next? Should I try to go all the way with crying it out?? Also should I put her cot in her own room and let her cry it out if she wakes at night? Never usually sleeps for more than 3hours without waking for a feed.... Any advice welcome??

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Basementbear · 26/08/2008 13:01

I can't remember the exact way of doing controlled crying, but basically I think you should put her to bed in her cot, tell her its time for a sleep, give her a cuddle etc and whatever music or comforts she normally has, then say night night and go. If she starts crying, you leave her for 5 mins then go back in, put her back in cot and explain again its time for a sleep, then leave the room. Go back in again after 5 mins and so on and so on... they do eventually get the message but it can take a while! Good luck!! There are lots of other methods and I'm sure other people will either disagree with me or give you different advice so I guess you have to see what works best for you. My DS1 had a dummy so to be honest he didn't need controlled crying, but DS2 never had a dummy and therefore protested loudly at being left!!

Original poster

mamachat · 26/08/2008 13:12

it seemed pretty easy today, but i'm sure tonight will be worse... but I have not got her cot in her own bedroom yet and have no one to help me do it so not sure if I can start it tonight, but if I put it off she might get the wrong message and I might confuse her...

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LunaFairy · 26/08/2008 13:25

How old is yout dd? maybe start to take the night feed out of the routine. She is waking up as she is in the routine of having milk every few hours. If she wakes for a feed offer water instead. Dd will soon get the message that its not worth waking up in the night. I did the controlled crying with my ds when he was around 10 months old. It was a hard 2-3 nights but he was so much better for it after the initial part. I would start as you mean to go on with whatever option you go for.

meandmyjoe · 26/08/2008 13:28

I'd go for it tonight if it's really what you need to do to get her to sleep. However, I would only use it as a last resort. Have you tried giving her a comfort blanket or toy and letting her get very attached to it, then encouraging her to settle herself with it?

It won't work straight away, and it needs to smell of you! They have to be really attached to it and see it as the next best thing to you being there feeding her.

It took months with my ds who was fed to sleep for naps and bedtime til he was 10 months old. I never thought it would work but then one night it did and finally he went to sleep on his own with no crying or feeding! If he stirs in the night, he might sit up but then reach for his blanket, chews on it and dozes off again. It's like a miracle!

If you've tried everything else and clearly you are exhausted with her being up every 3 hours then I'd start as soon as possible with the Controlled crying, but just to warn you it doesn't work for every baby and it will be horrible for you and her but hopfully it will be worth it. Good luck!

Original poster

mamachat · 26/08/2008 13:28

dd is 13months old, and has always bf back to sleep... she wakes every 1-3hours at night and has just started staying awake for 1 1/2 hours sometmes around 5am and seems restless...

i normally have no other way of getting her to sleep other then bf or pram or car... so i think she really needs to learn to go to sleep alone...

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Original poster

mamachat · 26/08/2008 14:07

thanks meandmyjoe - i have tried giving her a comfort blanket but she is very persistant in wanting the breast so feel I need to give it a try... I'm scared tho......

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Basementbear · 26/08/2008 16:00

Agree with meandmyjoe about cutting out night feeding and offering only water. She will soon get the message that she won't get milk at night, and hopefully she'll realise that it's not worth bothering you just for water!

mmelody · 26/08/2008 20:50

Mamachat I was in exactly the same situation as you .. my DS now 13 months was waking every 1-3 hours through the night and needed BF back to sleep.. I was insane with fatigue especially as he only has 2x30 min naps during the day.
We were co-sleeping (waking!!) and something had to give.. Basically we started by putting him in his own cot and room. He is always BF to sleep and very sleepy so went in ok to start but of course continued to wake as usual.. I BF him back to sleep as usual but put him back in his cot.. we did this for about a week untill he was used to being in the cot/own room the started the night weaning... honestly it was easier than I thought.. like you I was scared about how he would be as he is such a boobie monster but I just went for it. Every time he woke between 10-5am I would go in and cuddle, rock, comfort him. I offered water in a beaker but he rarely took it. The first time he woke he was furious but eventually went back to sleep in my arms. After that it got easier and easier and would settle really quickly... In total it took around 5 nights of him waking and me comforting and then he started sleeping longer periods.. He now does an average of 7pm-5am and will occasionally go back till 6 (not often). He still wakes frequently when he is teething and is a very light sleeper.
If someone had told me that DS would be in his own room sleeping through a couple of months ago I would have laughed out loud.. it was so bad.. but he is and we all feel better for it. Go for it.. they are such clever things and learn so quickly, you will be so glad that you did it. Let us know how its going

KnickersOnMaHead · 26/08/2008 21:14

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Original poster

mamachat · 26/08/2008 22:33

mmelody your ds sounds like my dd, boobie monster, are you still bf? if so how often? the next thing I need to do is get dd off the breast...

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Original poster

mamachat · 26/08/2008 22:34

knickersonmahead - i think the cotis on the second to last setting so I will move it into the other bedroom and put it down to the last setting... But dd is soo good at climbing I bet she will still get out...

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Original poster

mamachat · 26/08/2008 22:35

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Lovesdogsandcats · 27/08/2008 00:10

I remember all this from sleep clinic re controlled crying :

Make sure she is always awake and alone when you leave her
Go back every 1 min then 2 mins etc then keep going back every 5 mins (keep doing all the time she is crying)
When you go in, say the same boring thing each time, like 'time for sleep' whatever, no eye contact.
It will work only if you stick with it, give in even once and thats it.

Do this routine regardeless of time, middle of night wakings are same etc.

If you stick with it, you will have a child who goes to sleep at bedtime, without crying, within 7 days.

It works.

meandmyjoe · 27/08/2008 06:51

It works if your child is developmentally ready to settle theirselves. It doesn't work if they are at all strong willed, determined and head strong, believe me!

I have known many babies who Controlled Crying NEVER works for but then 3 months later they are settling themselves and sleeping through with no intervention from the parents at all. I have also known babies that Controlled Crying works relatively quickly but then 2 months later it all goes out the window and they reach another developmental milestone or start teething again and it's back to square one.

I strongly believe that self soothing is something that is developmental and if she's ready then CC will work quickly.

I never went to sleep without my mum being there til I was about 5 and I was constantly up for cuddles and reassurance in the night. I just thought it's what kids do so when my ds slept through I was so shocked!

My ds wasn't ready to settle himself til he was nearly a year old and I couldn't stand leaving him to cry but then again, I had to feed him to sleep but he did sleep through so it was no where near as exhusting as your situation mamachat!

Let us know what happens with the controlled crying and whether she manages to escape her cot on the lowest seting!

mmelody · 27/08/2008 21:08

Hi mamachat..yes I am still BF DS. he would feed up to 6 times or more a day if I let him but I try to keep him at 3-4. I went back to work 8 weeks ago and find the days I work (8-2pm) he is much better at not wanting boobie... though does start ah ah ah ahing as soon as I walk in the door (so cute!!) Ive read your other posts and like you I would like to stop BF... but its just SOOOO hard as he loves it SOOOOOOOO much.

Original poster

mamachat · 27/08/2008 23:03

ok, i'm an idiot, i did cc for 45mins, dd managed to get out of the cot (i did not put it on lowest setting as been busy). She pooed while crying so I took her an changed her nappy, then I felt bad as the room was dark so left the bedroom door open and she crawled into the living room twice...

Then I picked her up tp put her back into bed and her lilttle heart was pounding so I kept her in my arms, she was so tired I felt bad...

Now it will prob never work. I was not plannung to do it tonight so was not prepared, but had to try it as comfort fed for over an hour and would not let me get my breast back...

So good thing is she feel asleep in my arms and not on the breast...

Bad thing is she is still in my arms now and everytime put her down she wakes up...

god i'm useless

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Original poster

mamachat · 27/08/2008 23:12

ok so she is now in bed, and I am not so atleast I escaped... This is a nightmare, i am so weak...

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meandmyjoe · 28/08/2008 08:41

You aren't weak mamachat, it's just such a hard thing ti do. Leaving your baby to cry goes against all of our maternal instincts. When my ds cries, I can never leave him for more than a few mins.

CC is very difficult which is why I could never do it properly! I tried it at 9 months and found that it actually prolonged the crying as everytime I went to him he thought I was going to pick him up and got more angry and upset each time I left again.

In the end I just went back to feeding or rocking him. By the time he was 11 months he would be more and more awake and aware of going in his cot but still drowsey. I tried putting him in his cot fully awake and he stood up as I left the room and cried for 2 mins but then miracullously reached for his comfort blanket (which I'd been trying to get him attached to since 9 months when I failed my 1 attempt at controlled crying!) and went to sleep.

Since then he goes in his cot awake and immediately reaches for his comfort blanket and just chews on it and dozes off within 2 minutes, no crying at all.

I was in your situation a few months ago, everytime I put him in his cot he screamed. I had to feed him or rock him and tip toe out of his room. The slightest creak of a floor board and I'd be back to square 1 again. It's not fun!

Could you maybe wean her off feeding to sleep by cuddling and just gradually put her down more and more awake. I'd still try her with a comfort object, obviously at first it won't work but it was our life saver in the end! It took over 2 months though.

Have you tried pick up/ put down? It didn't work for us as it just made ds more and more wound up and even if he did eventually fall asleep, we still had to creep out of his room which often woke him up again. It does work for most people though but my ds was particularly stubborn!

Original poster

mamachat · 28/08/2008 23:09

I am now getting objectivity from mumsnet round to help me... she will show me the best way to sleep train and offer support by email afterwards as really feel it is going to be a nightmare to do alone. So I hoping with some help I will get there...

Has anyone else used objectivity before? She sounds lovely on the phone, even tho she does cc sounds very kind...

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