why do kids do this, and how can I help DS?

[SpandexIsMyEnemy]

he's 2.5, and has just had a w.e with his dad (first in 4 weeks) we have just got in form his nan/poppy's and he's had a MAJOR melt down - went on for over half an hour, started as I wouldn't let him in the garden, (was tea time) he's been pinching and biting (trying to bite me) I did shout at him - not good.

was running about slamming doors, poured water over me during his bath, (not much but enough to get my top totally wet.)

he's had a lot of sugar today - his dad gave him 3 smarties (told me 3 but wouldn't mind better was a whole packet - and after i'd told XH that DS gets hyper on that and fudge - both are big HUGE no no's in this house) and a kit kat, his poppy gave him when I wasn't looking. so the sugar hasn't helped.

but he seems to have said melt downs when he's left his dad, what else can I do??

he wouldn't let me touch him at all, every time I got near him he ran off screaming. i've been away all w.e - usually am when XH has him. he's not been this bad for ages to be fair - might be the 4 week thing not seeing xh?? he's finally calm after I pinned him to the floor for his nappy & he pretty much gave in, all the time I had him pinned to me was shushing him, rocking and saying it's ok DS calm your self down in a gentle mannor (after i'd shouted)

we've now had milk, ted & blankie, have said to him mummy loves you, i'm not going anywhere, am not going to leave you - how much of this is him playing up to see if i'll leave as well??

what else can I be doing to help DS/stop these melt downs.

(btw he doesn't usually have all the sugar & will reinforce to XH that smarties/fudge are deffo banned in this house)

oh you poor thing, and your poor ds!

I think he's pushing you to see if you leave, I also think he's probably tired - exes never keep to routines that you've set, and they always spoil them (perhaps because they don't have to deal with the melt-downs?)

You know that the sugar hasn't helped, so perhaps cutting down/cutting out the sweet snacks will just sort things out next time.

I think that you are doing everything you should be, lots of hugs and reassurance and "i love you"s

You did everything right - poor you. 4 weeks is a long time to a child of this age - does he have much phone contact in between visits as that might help?

next to none usually no - (usually sees his dad every other week) so every 2 weeks no contact - he spoke to him I think 3/4 times on the phone over the last 4 weeks. I've been on at XH about ringing but all he says is DS doesn't want to talk to me - I feel like saying you're the adult and parent you;re meant to try and talk to him first!

to an extent I obv don't have control over what XH feeds DS and he's usually good - but this w.e DS has had tinned hot dogs, sausage rolls, scotched eggs, pizza fingers, cherry toms (thank god some fruit/veg!) and a load of chocolat/ice cream from what I can gather! a fantastic diet - I mean yes he has crap with me but not that much all in such a short space. not to mention kiakora orage squash - I do a teaspoon roughly to 9oz ish of water - or plain water - XH does 1oz squash to 9oz water (approx as he uses a cup not a bottle)

am doing all the reassurance stuff - it just grates me he doesn't get this - the first thing out of XH's mouth was 'wow he's sleeping well isn't he??' - erm maybe you should be here the other 28 days in the month when he's up in my bed/crying and totally not settled.

I agree that you have done everything right too.

How about suggesting to XH things that he can give him as an alternative to smarties? or even giving him a 'goody' bag with thing in that he can have?

(Alternatively, give your ds smarties just before XH picks him up)

thingssss

Really don't think this is about the sugar
I think it's about seeing how far he can push you having got (probably) everything he wanted from your ex

He's testing the boundaries and you need to be firm and strong

Pick your battles - some things really don't matter - let them go

Others do - be firm and don't waiver

Good luck spandex - I know it's hard

spandex- hi . waves brifly from mar 08
they can be little sods can;t they. It may well be just reation to teh weekend and all teh excitemnet and differnece. I did have a shit monday with boy last week, after 2 weeks hol of seeing his dad every day and staying up late at weekend he was exhusted and horrid and spent afternoon kicking and hitting me. before I chucked himnonto his bed and sat with my back to his bedroom door to keep him in in for while ( which he spent kicking door).
Had similar incident today , his dad dealt with it the same way, boy fell asleep after a bout of whinging and shouting. woke up rather pleasenter. Its always mum that gets kicked and hit tho.
good luck wih staying calm and collected, heres to a better monday morning. are you back to "normal" tomorrow?

dhw2 - well I have thought about giving DS a sugar high before his dad has him, but then again XH doesn't handle him v well like that - he tends to really shout and be rough, so i'd rather not - besides can't be good for DS to have ups and downs. it's annoying as he knows my rules, but alas i'm not here, and he likes to spoil the boy!

silk cut - yes I think there's that as well - XH gives him everything (literally) whilst I do give a lot to ds - ie small choc or something (freddo type) XH will give him one of the big bars, and a toy, and a comic - (he's told mummy doesn't have the pennys when I take him! lol)

food for me has always been a battle I'm not goin to have with DS, however bedtime is one I won't waiver on and neither is him hitting/biting/slapping. so will have a serious talk to XH about that one.

hi uni - yep yesterday was the first day i'd called him a little s**t, as he was, not proud of it - wasn't to him, but that's not the point, I still thought it. we're back to normal this week till fri when XH has him again then nothing for another 4 weeks again so will suffer after that one.

today is better yes - he was up at 7am, but can handle that - so far we're having a nice morning, lets just hope he settles in the creche for an hour in a bit!

Do you think maybe it has nothing to do with the sugar content of his diet, the ratio of kia ora to water etc, and more to do with the fact his parents live apart and he doesn't understand? I don't know how long you've been apart for, but he's at the age where he will really pick up on tensions between you, and will start to realise that his family isn't like other peoples'.

I know it's really difficult for you having all the boring drudgery of childcare and XH having the "selected excerpts" of fun time, but that's the way it is with separated families. Can you accept that this is what it's going to be like, and work up from there?

Sorry if this post sounds really patronising, but I'm the product of a broken home, and remember almost exactly the same issues going on between by Dad and my stepmum (who I lived with) and my Mum. All it did was create resentment between me and my Dad and stepmum. I didn't understand what was going on, but I always picked up on the fact that my Dad and my stepmum constantly bitched about the way my Mum did things with me and it upset me so much. They rarely did it in front of me, but I always picked up on it, and always found out.

I know I'm not giving you any concrete advice, but I hope maybe my post gives you some perspective into your son's experiences that are tough at his age, regardless of family background.

I know things are tough for my son, but with all due respect, you know nothing of my situation - XH is forces, and as such form the age of 6 months he's been away mon - fri - this is nothing new for DS. DS is used to me being the one at home, he's well accostom to that, and so far he's a balanced and bright little boy.

I certainly do not bitch about what XH does with DS - if anything quite the opposite, and there's not much in the way of hostilities in front of DS - we have become very good at putting on the happy family act for his sake. I bitch on here yes, and to my family when DS is not around - but even my family allow XH in their house still and are perfectly civil to him.

whilst I understand DS is growing up and learning that his life isn't like others (he was no different when we lived on the camp) it is something that in time he will get used to - I've done my best as has XH for his part to an extent to make this process for DS as smooth as possible. coupled with the fact he has my family who are fantastic and XH's family still have reg contact with him (for now). besides which we really don't have too many friends/he go to too many events where he would know that mumms and daddys live together - am expecting those q's/probs when he's in school/nursery,.

fwiw XH is the product of a 'broken' home, his mum had a hell of a lot of hostilities to the dad - this is a situation I don't want to create as I don't want to repeat the mistakes she made (unintentionally or not)

(should add apart from the food I don't bitch - ie XH takes him to the shop and back - has him from fri to sun I leave my car so XH could use that but he chooses not to!)