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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

My ds doesnt want to invite anyone to his party.

24 replies

pepsi · 09/02/2005 19:06

My ds will be 5 soon, he started a new school in January, had previously been a private nursery/school from age 3. Ive got a list of children from his new class - 26 - in all and he doesnt want to invite any of them, but has conceded on two girls. He isnt playing with anyone at school (he does have some SN), at his previous school he was fine with parties and who to invite but this is really getting to me. I have about 10 children from long term friends and family to invite anyway and am inviting his best pal from his old school, but really want him to have some children from his new class to help him bond. He is having none of it. Has anyone experienced this or can anyone help me decide what to do. The teacher hasnt yet come up with a specific list of names. It just seems he cannot be bothered with anyone and prefers his own company, which I guess some kids just do. Should I go ahead and invite the ones who I think he will like or the children of parents to whom I have got chatting?

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SoupDragon · 09/02/2005 19:12

how many of the class can you invite? It's a tricky situation. I was going to suggest asking the teacher who he plays with but I see that hasn't helped.

Beetroot · 09/02/2005 19:13

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Twiglett · 09/02/2005 19:16

I'd choose to go on a family outing instead and do it next year

its probably just so new to him that its quite scary

if you really want a party, maybe you could throw him an end of term summer party when he's settled down a bit more

I wouldn't worry too much, its really really early

Skribble · 09/02/2005 19:52

When DS changed schools we endured another whole class party. I have to admit we were trying to win the kids over as he didn't seem to have freinds. Gave me the chance to have a little chat with one boy who had been giving DS lots of grief. He wasn't even collected we had to take him home, torrential rain and dark. Spoke volumes .

If going for whole class keep costs down and try to get a hall/ community centre, great if they have their own bouncy castle. Soft play would be killer cost wise for 26.

Skribble · 09/02/2005 19:54

Agree that if DS is not happy about it do something totaly different with jut family. Then maybe invite a few kids of parents you know for a no pressure tea.

Twiglett · 09/02/2005 20:15

making friens for most little kids is done one at a time IMHO

so do a series of after school tea / play sessions .. the kids and the parent

that might be nice for him

Original poster

pepsi · 10/02/2005 09:51

Its him who has specifically asked for this party. We have been to parties there before and he loves it, its a real gym and also has a bouncy castle, trampoline, and a big pit with bars over so they can hang on them and them drop in on the spongy pit. So he wants the party but only for his his cousins and 8 other children. Its a big party for only 9 children. I can have 25 but will only invite 20 I think because at 5 parents tend to leave their children and its a big responsibility make sure they are safe and the dont escape! Theres 27 in his class so we certainly wont invite them all. Its not a money issue at all for me.

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moondog · 10/02/2005 09:54

Let him do what he wants!
My dd isn't terribly interested in other children either. Perfectly happy with her own company (like her mother!)

Very interesting re the little lad skribble!

Original poster

pepsi · 10/02/2005 10:10

I want to do want he wants I really do, but its a huge opportunity to help him bond with a few children. He told me last night that he doesnt want to many children at his party. I am having concerns that he may have AS, I was reading about it last night and he displays a lot of the symptons. His teacher is going to sit down with him today and talk about it and other things, he has been coming home wet for the last 4 days which he has never done before so something is definately going on somewhere. Theres so many different little things going on with him that I am actually getting myself into quite a state. Last night I spent about an hour just sobbing (have lovely bags under my eyes today to show for it).

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marialuisa · 10/02/2005 10:18

Pepsi, I feel so sad on your behalf, I remember your threads worrying about whether or not to move him. As there are obviously a few issues I think you should press the teacher for a few additional names, maybe ask her if there are any quieter boys?

Original poster

pepsi · 10/02/2005 10:25

Marialuisa it means a lot when others remember your threads. Thanks.

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MrsFROSTgetful · 10/02/2005 10:50

PEPSI....i cannot say how much i feel for what your going throgh...i too have had experience of my son not wanting parties...choosing to sit away from his classmates...and the worst for me was when at age 7 DS1 wouldn't let me watch him in the christmas play.

it's good the teacher is taking this seriously...try to take time for yourself. i still have days where its as much as i can do to just get in the front door and i collapse sobbing at the dining table...we cannot keep all this inside ourselves.

when my son is distressed after school and clearly does not want to go the next day i feel i am ABUSING him.....as i feel he thinks i don't care- or don't believe him

but keep coming on here to post- and if you can't post just read.

moondog · 10/02/2005 11:39

I'm sorry that you are so distressed pepsi. Didn't mean to be flippant. Yes,talk to the teacher.

Beetroot · 10/02/2005 11:41

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Message withdrawn

Original poster

pepsi · 10/02/2005 12:01

mmm, yes I have suggested that he come up 5/6 children to invite, we have agreed that he will have a think about it at school today and we can talk about it tonight. His teacher is also having a sit down with him today too. Im worried that if I go ahead and invite children without his consent he will flip on the day, I dont think he would but you never know. However this morning I asked if he would like anyone over for tea after half term and he did name one boy so I have done a little note to his Mum so fingers crossed. Trouble on this front is I have a very bright and advanced nearly 3 year old dd who is sure to take over. DH said if necessary he will come home early and take her out somewhere so she doesnt take over.

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sansouci · 10/02/2005 12:43

So sorry for your tears & worry, pepsi. I can totally understand as dd will be 5 in June and is already going on about her birthday. She has 15 boys in her class & 4 other girls. I would never be mad enough to invite them all... or would I? Anyway, since your ds wants a party, let him decide who to invite. Understand about the social opportunity aspect, but inviting too many under the circumstances could do more harm than good.

sansouci · 10/02/2005 12:47

Meant to add that dd is in a new school... French speaking, except for one boy. Big change for her! Sometimes she tells me nobody likes her, which is rubbish as she is v. social but does show that she's insecure. (Who isn't, TBH?) Hope your dd does not have AS but is just being a typical 4/5 yr old... hard to figure them out, sometimes, isn't it?

Tiggiwinkle · 10/02/2005 13:12

My DS also seems to have no friends at school pepsi-he is currently being assessed for AS as you may have read on other threads.
We had a party last year but it is his 6th birthday next week and I would not really know who to invite from his class now. (The invitations to other childrens parties seem much fewer than last year too)
We are going on a family outing on his birthday instead-luckily it will be in half-term.

COD · 10/02/2005 13:16

Message withdrawn

Original poster

pepsi · 10/02/2005 21:53

Teacher has given me some names today and we have had a chat and he seems happy. Its 7 children in total from his class. In total its 21 children as he has pals and family from out of school I doubt that all can come so it wont be that many in the end. He seems much happier in general today. He was leader of the day which he loves and even spoke about his day. Next worry. PARTY BAGS!!!!

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sansouci · 10/02/2005 22:20

Sweets, cheap toys, those paper whistle thingies that you blow in & they jump out like a snake, anything that appeals to your ds, is small and CHEAP (even if money isn't a problem).

Willow2 · 10/02/2005 22:23

If he doesn't want a party don't bother - it's his birthday. Let him choose what he would like to do. Don't feel obliged to hold a large party just because that is the norm. I speak from experience - my mother spent ages organising a great party for my brother who wanted nothing of it. In the end he spent the entire afternoon stuck up a tree, refusing to come down. As he pointed out to my mum, "You invited them. You play with them".

sansouci · 12/02/2005 11:28

Love that, Willow2!

MrsFROSTgetful · 12/02/2005 14:39

Tiggy.... about the party.... when ds2 was coming up 7 i sent 14 invites to school friends....hoping 10 would come

2 replied YES
Sent 12 reminders - 1 replied

NOONE replied NO (so hoped some would 'just turn up')

so expecting 3 definitely + his 2 brothers and 2 cousins....so hoping for total of 14 + him.

only 2 school friends came.

so at his party appart from him there were 6.....and it was at a sports centre where i had booked....so had to pay for a minimum of 10....luckily they didn't charge me for the possible 15!!!!

So i had to fork out £70 for only 7 kids (which could have paid for 10)

So this year when he was 8 we agreed to a 'family trip to legoland' and gave him money + a few small gifts to open when he woke up.

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