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Original poster

My 3 year old still isn't toilet trained

70 replies

Allie · 25/03/2001 10:09

Sam has been out of nappies for 3 months but has never asked to go to the toilet by himself. He is fed up with being prompted and refuses (vigourously!) to let us take him to the toilet. So he wees and poos his pants 4 or 5 times a day. He genuinely doesn't seem to know when it's imminent. Anyone else got this? His brother learned in the usual haphazard way about 2 and three quarters.

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Treaclebat · 25/03/2001 16:58

My son (now 9 and no toilet problems that he mentions) was similarly "late" in getting toilet training right. I think we made it worse by fretting about it - he stopped pooing all day at one point and then would let it all out in the bath at the end of the day - delightful. In the end the nursery he attended sorted it for me -- I took them lots of pants and on the first couple of days he went through about five pairs and then he got the message (I think not having me there being anxious and exasperated was probably the key). Once he got it that was it - no more accidents and he was old enough to appreciate the praise when he got it right.

Robinw · 25/03/2001 20:00

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Janh · 26/03/2001 12:03

allie - all i can offer is try to be relaxed about it and maybe back off using the loo at all for a while if he gets mad.
i would not necessarily recommend what i did but i'll tell you anyway!
my second son - now nearly 8 - was a late talker and late to be toilet trained. we went on holiday when he was 3.3 and as he had been v unreliable in huggies pull-ups at playgroup (possibly because they still felt like a nappy?) i left it until after that.
i made up my mind we would not use pull-ups any more. i let him use the loo before we went out (he could, but never asked to); and in woolworths, a 5 minute walk away, he needed a poo when i was not next to him. so he squatted, poo'd and of course wee'd at the same time.
i have to confess that i did not confess but dragged him home by the wrist, little toes scrabbling at the pavement, me ranting all the way.
he was trained from that moment and dry at night shortly afterwards. he had had no pressure to be trained before so wasn't neurotic about it which may be why there were no psychological repercussions. but as i said - i wouldn't recommend it!
his older brother was semi-trained from around 3 but leaked - he just seems to have poor bladder capacity which is exacerbated by him going far too often. he's 12 now, still goes far too often, has a neurotic bladder (his head's ok!) and still wets at night quite often. we get round this with a combination of huggies giant pull-ups and desmopressin tablets. none of us gets stressed about it and we know he will stop eventually (i was late too - it helps so much to have it in the family).

Shelley · 26/03/2001 13:24

We started training my son (2 years 7 months) a couple of weeks ago. He was doing really well then started to get into a real state about the whole thing. Wouldn't go and seemed to be holding on forever. We also had nightly poos in the bath. I couldn't bear to see him getting so stressed out and have gone back to Nappies (pull ups are just too expensive to be in all the time). He starts Nursery (thank goodness he doesn't HAVE to be dry for this one) in 4 weeks - and I'm hoping that seeing others going to the toilet etc will help him. I think we were bowing to pressure (grandparents,friends etc) who kept asking why he wasn't toilet trained yet. I think when he's ready it will just happen.

Stressedout · 26/03/2001 14:11

I have tried different techniques with all 3 of my daughters, but the one that caused least stress to everyone was staying dry will happen when it is ready to happen. With my first 2 I tiolet 'trained ' them between 2 yrs and 3. with my 3rd child I let her tell me when she was 'too big' for nappies, (it happened at about three and a half). From that point she was dry during the day and we only had a few accidents at night, but no one got too uptight thanks to those big pampers sheets.. expensive but worth every penny at 4 in the morning!!

Original poster
Allie · 26/03/2001 15:46

Thanks so much for the feedback. As usual, the problem is he starts a playgroup after Easter which requires them to be dry. Maybe I'll just cancel it and put him back into nappies and relax for a bit.

OP posts:
IDismyname · 26/03/2001 18:49

Allie,
I have a son, approaching 3 end of May; had his place held at playgroup since January, and absolutely NO inclination to use potty/loo at all. Have told playgroup (who'll only have him dry) that he'll have to start in September. Made me feel so much better about it all, once I'd done that... we're back in nappies, and I'm just praying for a really warm summer!
Just fed up with other mothers whose children trained months ago looking at me as if to ask why the hell can't I get him to do it. It's very easy to feel a failure, isn't it?
Anyway, you are not alone!

Alexa · 26/03/2001 20:32

Allie, I have just given up with my 3 year old daughter, who also refuses to go to the loo. She was getting very upset about it, holding on all day in nursery, although they took her to the loo, and then wetting herself at the end of the day - usually in the car seat on the way home. I'm sure she'll do it when she's ready, but it really doesn't seem worth them getting in such a state about. And I wouldn't advise anyone to bother with pull-ups. My eldest - now 5 - got round to it eventually, and so will Sam. Good luck - let me know if you come across any fantastic suggestions to help you on your way!

Batters · 26/03/2001 20:47

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Marina · 27/03/2001 08:22

Batters, good luck with keeping her dry. A couple of friends have recommended training pants (reusable) rather than pull-ups. They work out cheaper and apparently are not as effective at soaking up wee/poo: this made their children more aware of cause/effect and helped them make the leap from having lots of accidents to being almost completely dry in the day, very fast.
I've found this discussion really helpful. Our son is 21 months and therefore too young to train for quite a while. Not that you'd know this from the way some of my mother & baby group members are carrying on...some of them are already trying it. I know toddlers can be ready to learn at under 2 but it is reassuring to know that lots of children out there take longer. His nursery won't even think of it until 2, and do not insist on them being 100% dry by 3.

Kathmary · 27/03/2001 13:33

My son Tom has been 3 for two weeks now, though he was born 9 weeks early ... but my experience of potty training him has been so different to my daughter, who just did it herself about 2 and a half. At home, if he has no nappy or trousers on, he will go happily on the potty. But if he has pants, or a pull up on, he just goes in there! He just doesn't ask to do wees or poos although he obviously knows the sensations involved because he scuttles to his potty by himself! I have been a bit worried, but have now made myself chill out - I think I will remove the pullups from the equation over the easter weekend, and let him feel what it's like when you do wees etc in your trews, just so he knows. All kids are different, but it's so easy to feel you are failing and doing something wrong - but I've got two kids and they have both done things differently on the lavatorial front. With my daughter, I used to just sit her on the loo when we got to a place and when we left it - and I got her used to weeing by the roadside if needed! I think that's a good tip too, just getting that bladder empty.

Sapphire · 27/03/2001 16:10

My son Dan was three last October and is still showing no signs of wanting to be in "big boys pants!" He will not go bare-bottomed, insisting on wearing both pants and trousers, and after the latest attempt on the potty - three days of 8+ sets of soggy/poopy clothes every day!- I gave up!!! Im sure he will do it when he is ready, but I am past the point of panicking. He has started telling me "Mummy, Im pooding" so hopefully he is closer now; but I am in the process of splitting up with his father and we will be moving in three weeks, so I dont think now is the time. My daughter was fiendishly late, and apparently I was too, so it must be a hereditary thing! my advice? Dont panic, they all get there ... eventually! Like others have mentioned, lets hope for a long hot DRY summer!

Kathmary · 28/03/2001 08:57

Yeah Sapphire - I agree with you and I think that loads of soggy, soiled trews are unnecessary drama - I think I have been a victim of peer pressure, really it doesn't matter if Tom isn't ready to ask yet, who am I doing this for? Sorry to hear that you are in the process of splitting up with your partner.

Scooter · 02/04/2001 19:16

My daughter is not yet 3 but potty training is sliding rapidly backwards, since she will not even contemplate doing a poo except in her pants. She will do a wee when reminded, and can thus stay pretty much dry. My health visitor suggested just putting her in pants and cleaning up the mess, but it's been 2 weeks now and it's driving me crazy. Help!!

Sml · 03/04/2001 08:41

Scooter, if it was me, I'd buy her disposable pants!!

Debsb · 03/04/2001 09:57

Scooter - I'd put her back in nappies for a while. My eldest was great, potty trained before 2 etc., for about 6 weeks and then the novelty seemed to wear off. We put her back in nappies for a month (it was a really busy period anyway, lots of parties, christmas etc.) and tried again in the new year - never looked back. It's very difficult for them if something catches their interest to stop to go to the loo, and by the time they do think about it, its usually too late. Try not to get too stressed, you don't see many kids going to school in nappies! (although accidents in reception are apparently not uncommon)

Elly · 05/05/2001 21:19

can someone talk to me about toilet training my 3year old boy he startes nursery in september

Elly · 05/05/2001 21:19

can someone talk to me about toilet training my 3year old boy he startes nursery in september

Batters · 05/05/2001 23:09

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Nw · 07/05/2001 18:52

We are currently potty training (2nd time lucky, hopefully). My only helpful hints would be going straight into trousers and pants, it doesn't make as much mess on your carpet. Our little angel will not go on a potty unless we are out and about. He wants to be like us and use the big toilet with a training seat (also has tigger on, big bonus). Lastly Febreeze really takes the smell out of carpets and carseats.

IDismyname · 07/05/2001 21:40

We have.. or had this same problem until a few weeks ago. Son due to start playgroup in Sept or earlier if poss., and absolutely NO interest whatsoever! I set aside the odd week about every month to really concentrate on the matter, but to no avail.
Then, one morning, he asked to wear pants, and we have not looked back. We have, on average one accident a day, and I always have to prompt him... but he's happy with the idea, and so am I !

So, suggestions on how I did it "My Way":-

  1. If he has a friend who has got the hang of potty training, spend as much time with him as possible. Peer pressure worked a treat with us.
  2. Bribe, bribe and bribe. By week 2, ours usually forgot to ask for the smartie/sticker, and I never mentioned it. Now he gets nothing!
  1. He won't do it until he's ready. If you put him in pants, and by day 3 there really is no improvement, then leave it for a few weeks, and try again. There does have to be a neurological connection between brain and bottom. If the connection is not made, he just won't be able to do it!

Hope some/none/all of this helps!

Rozzy · 08/05/2001 10:50

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Loubel · 08/07/2001 19:38

we seem to have successfully cracked the staying dry (although, like a previous correspondant, he rarely asks to go), but he just does not seem to have any awareness that he is going to poo and it is always in his pants or the night time nappy. Has anyone else had this same experience. I'm beginning to wonder if there is a physical problem as there is no indication at all that he knows what is happening. The toilet training advice in books has not helped. He's three in a month.

Rmea · 09/07/2001 08:33

Hi Loubel
So good to read your message as this sounds exactly the same as my little boy who is 3&1/4. He has been dry for 1 year now but still poos in his pants. In that time I think we have had 3 successes. My health visitor spoke to an incontinence doctor who said that 3 is too young to investigate further. They don't think there's any indication of a physical problem. The HV thinks it could be that he was dry so quickly (it took 2 hours!) might have caused an emotional problem as they need time to adjust to getting older and he was too quick. I'm at a loss and have tried everything. Don't make the mistake of being angry - it causes even more hang-ups- I'm working very hard on "no you're not naughty". Interestingly I told him one day last week that I hadn't brought a change of pants with me and he hurried to tell me there was a poo coming. It was unsuccessful, but I'm thrilled to have a sign that he does know it's going to happen.
Keep in touch. I've been dealing with it so long now it's become part of every day life and I don't find it hard to talk about!

Nw · 09/07/2001 13:20

I think we may have just cracked the pooing in pants business. If he does a poo in the toilet he gets a lolly, so now we have yells of 'poo coming lolly mummy'. If he does poo his pants it's not a big deal but no lolly! Only lolly for poo. I never wanted to bribe my kids but it worked so well....