Advice to support 4yo with emotional regulation

[TheKookySquid]

Hi All,

I'm looking for advice/experiences of the best ways you helped a kid with an emotional temprament manage big emotions? I have a nearly 4 yo who is emotional (gets excited easily but also overwhelmed/upset easily). We have always gone along the lines of saying it's OK to be upset/sad/cross etc, holding the boundary if there is one, moving her into a space to calm down and staying nearby. She is still struggling with big emotions especially when cross and I feel like there is more I could do to help her manage them.

Any advice/books/social media pages to follow would be greatly welcomed. Thank you in advance!

Children do get cross easily and they need to learn to manage their emotions themselves as they get older. At 4, I would absolutely ignore that emotion and when she calms down praise that behaviour.

You're already doing the big things: naming the feeling, holding the limit, staying close. At nearly 4 a lot of this is brain development plus repetition, so it may be less "not enough" and more "not yet". A few things that tend to help at this age:

• Practise calming when she's calm, not mid-meltdown: "blow out the candles" breaths, squeezing a cushion, a calm corner she helps set up, so it's familiar when she needs it.
• Fewer words in the moment. One short line ("You're cross. I'm here.") and wait. Reasoning comes later.
• Warn before transitions (a two-minute warning or a timer she can see), since a lot of "cross" at this age is about having to stop something.
• Talk it through briefly afterwards: what happened, what she could try next time, then a hug. That's when the learning sticks.

Books: How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen (Joanna Faber & Julie King) is very practical for this age, and The Whole-Brain Child (Siegel & Bryson) explains why they can't "just calm down" yet. Dr Becky Kennedy (Good Inside) on Instagram covers exactly this. And a slightly unexpected one: I'd really recommend Anne of Green Gables. It helped me see emotional kids from a different angle, as big-hearted and intense rather than "difficult".

I think you’ve had some good advice already. I’d also recommend reading this article from A Mighty Girl and doing this simple progress checker from Speech & Language UK

Sorry forgot to add some actual ways to help her regulate

She’s not too young to introduce meditation. There should be some age appropriate ones on Youtube or have a look at the free app Insight Timer.

Walking in nature also helps massively with regulation so try and get her outside every day. I know this will help difficult if you work.

Physical exercise is also good. Does she do anything like swimming? Could you do a bit of yoga together?

Any activities that are physical also helps massively so if you’re tidying up could she pair socks, load the washer or sweep the floor? Doing things together like baking help as do activities that encourage fine motor skills.

Try the real time methods as they might help. Use counting (backward counting) technique. Spend time with your child, let them play freely with their toys,food or in you garden. Let them explore the world around them in the form of tiny things in their environment. Also do not react to your child's emotion every time because sometimes all they do this is to gain attention.

The "You're cross, I'm here" line someone mentioned is a great base, and for the escalating moments you could extend it slightly: "I won't let you hit, I'm staying right here till you're ready" said flat and calm, repeated rather than reasoned with. For the run up to crossness, routine tweaks often help more than anything said mid meltdown, things like a two minute warning before stopping an activity, a visible timer, or a small choice offered early (jumper or coat first) so she feels some control before overwhelm hits. Worth watching if certain times of day, hungry, tired, transitions, are the common thread, since heading those off beats managing the aftermath every time.

Totally agree with offering “toddler’s chouces” too. It makes them feel as though they have done control.

So simple things like do you want to wear the green jumper or the blue jumper whilst holding up both of them or when you offer a snack, would you like the red plate or the yellow plate?