10 yo screaming, controlling and hitting

[pinkyponkyplink]

I am struggling with my 10yo daughter. Sat in tears. I’m completely exhausted.

we are waiting for a ln ASD assessment so I do recognise this. She masks at school and explodes at home. Obviously not at school at the moment so I’ve planned days out and days at home to balance things. We’ve been to London for a few days and have a week in Spain next week so I’ve let her relax at home the last 3 days and only nipped out for a short park visit and shops.

Im aware she needs downtime but any demand is a massive trigger. Im daily walking on egg shell desperately trying to pre-empt triggers to stop her shouting, screaming, refusing, controlling and hitting. Every day she will lose her temper at one of us and ends up either hitting her sister or me.

im not sure what I expect from the assessment but I need some strategies. She’s impossible to be around at the moment. I feel like we need some boundaries but she kicks off so there aren’t any. For example, the plan tomororw is to go to town, have lunch out and shop for a few holiday clothes. This is a typical example of what happens- She has hit her sister today for chewing loudly at the side of her which then resulted in her sister getting upset and my 10 yo trying to defend herself saying that she shouldn’t be chewing loudly. My rule is that if they hit, I fine them £10. I put the money in a pot which we use for days out. It’s stopped my older daughter hitting back but my 10 yo can’t seem to stop and of course when she’s told it’s a £10 fine, she then goes into screaming mode, starts throwing threats round and getting angry.

Then tonight has been a typical late school holiday bedtime. They have been changing and doing skin care together but at 11 I’ve gone into their rooms and said the music needs to go off and she shouted in my face. I told her that I don’t like her behaviour and I don’t think she should have lunch out tomorrow. She then hit me really hard so I said it was a £10 fine and she then pointed at me to go upstairs to my bedroom (treating me like a child). She then continues to belittle me and I just stood looking at her and told her I’m waiting for her to go into bed.

it feels completely out of control. She will scream and shout until she gets her own way and always has to have the last word. I always try to keep a calm voice and be consistent. My husband/her dad is more shouty but he hasn’t got involved this time.

she controls the house and our lives. I really want to help her but what should I do?? Any advice welcome.

How can I stop the shouting?
what should I do about the hitting? Should I continue fining?
what do I do about our much looked forward to day out tomorrow??

im dreading this behaviour in Spain!!! Her dad wants to give her money for Spain so he’s thinking of giving her money each day. He said he will give her 3 warnings so she has time to turn it round if she’s struggling. She asked how much she would get for the total and said she’d rather have it all in one go as she’s only in Spain for a week!!! There’s no appreciation.

Sorry it’s so long. Really needing advice

There is a lot to unpick there and the first thing I’d say is to ask @MNHQto move this over to the SN Children section so that you don’t have MNers with no experience of ND commenting on your thread.

You say that you don’t know what to expect from the diagnosis. I’m sorry to tell you that it will literally be that, at best you’ll be handed a couple of leaflets.

What support is she getting now? Is she seeing SaLT? If not, how does she do on this simple progress checker?

Has she had an OT Assessment?

And has she got an ECHP to help her cope in School so that she’s not crumbling as soon as she comes out?

I think you also need to have a look at what is a treat for her. The expectation of going out to eat lunch which will be noisy and busy with strange food will be overwhelming enough for her. Add in possible misophonia and then having to go around the shops to choose clothes does not sound like a treat for a DC with ASD. Could your DH take your other DD and you and those DD stay home, have her favourite lunch together and do some internet shopping?

Also for the misophonia, does she have some noise cancelling headphones that she can use when everything is becoming a bit too much for her?

As for the demands being too much for her, have you looked up PDA and are you using any strategies for a DC with PDA?

I recommend reading 10 days to a less defiant child as it does have done useful strategies. Generally the more typical discipline techniques simply do not work with a DC with ASD. If your DH is shouty I’d also recommend that he reads the book and looks for ways to positively engage with her. I did this with my DD, I focused on the relationship I wanted with her as adults and now she’s happy to spend some time with me doing things she enjoys.

What won’t help though is punitive punishment like fining her or shouting.

Just wanted to add that you don’t have to wait for the diagnosis to get an ECHP, you can apply for one yourself now. Have a look at this link.

I think you need to go back to basics as the way you are parenting her is as though she is choosing to act out.

Stop fining - this is just going to inflame a situation. Natural consequences work better. Being told you can’t go out for lunch the following day has no relation to a nighttime behaviour.

Thinking about outings through a neurodiverse lens would be a good starting point point. Take tomorrow for example with going to town, lunch out and shop for clothes:

• Lunch out you have uncertainty of where you’ll go, sitting in a loud cafe with lots of different sounds (noise of coffee machine, people talking, people eating, sound of chewing, sound of chairs scraping, sound of plates etc). It may be crowded with people who may brush past her. She’ll have to choose food potentially from an unfamiliar menu, people might talk to her. She’ll have to wait for food.
• then you’ll leave there and go to the shops where agin each place will have different amounts of people, potentially crowded, different smells. She’ll have to wait for her sister, might need to wait on changing rooms. You’ll be asking her to make choices about clothes, probably asking her not to look at toys and keep focused on the mission

Can you see what I mean, she’ll be managing a lot. It won’t necessarily be the same as above, but hopefully that will give an idea.

scale it back, do you need to do both, is the aim to get clothes for holiday? If it is focus your energies there.

a good place to start would be supporting her sensory needs - what do you know so far about any sensory difficulties she may be facing.

Sending solidarity to you.. it’s hard work being an ND parent. Keep reaching out for support, you’ll get mixed responses on here but just focusing on the replies trying to support you.