Controlled crying ...pls help

[Betsy07]

Hi I'm new to mumsnet...

Hope somebody can help.I started CC last week with 7.5 month DS. 1st night was 1 hr..2nd night 35 mins & 3rd night 5 mins.. next few days there were no problems.
Until 3 days ago...he started his old routine and fights his sleep ...trashes...screams..coughs....chokes......I used to go back every 10 mins & leave only when he calms down...but as soon as I leave the room...he starts again & he seems even more upest than b4. So I decided to leave him alone and not go back...I don't know if I'm doing the right thing.

Is it normal for them to go back into their old routine so soon?...I thought i was successful.

Tori, without going into the moral aspect of cc with tiny baby, I just want to point out that letting a baby self-settle at an early age is no guarentee that as a toddler or young child they won't have sleep issues.

Conversly, not getting your baby into a rigid routine, does not mean that they will be playing all night at toddler and school age. Both of my children (2 and 4) go to bed at seven and sleep through the night with no rigid training from birth.

foxy, children are different. Once my dcs get themselves worked up, even cuddling does not work. They are in orbit. I am not being dramatic. I am being their mother.

agree, meemar.

Also want to add, just because CC worked from 1 day old, does not mean your baby wasn't a good sleeper to begin with.

I agree foxy. I know that if I have been in twice and she doesn't settle after the third time its probably nappy or wind. If I check them and they are fine she is put back in her cot with a quick cuddle. I then leave her up to 15mins. If she still doesn't settle there is something wrong. I am actually really pleased because she has now found her thumb to suck instead of constantly wanting me to suck

Tis true you can't say whether they would have been good or bad sleepers from birth. I can't help wondering though, if dd2 would have slept from earlier if I had done the same as dd1.

Meemar, perhaps you could tell my neighbours that. Their 8 (nearly 9) year old had no sleep training (Jeez, I hate that term), still sleeps with them, and in fact cannot sleep apart from them - so no sleepovers with friends at all, and missed out on an overnight school trip.

perhaps this thread should be reopened as "another thread debating cc" because poor betsy just wanted some advice and is now lost in a war between tori and everyone else.

I have two more things to say:

1. you can BOTH cuddle your baby a lot/co-sleep/bf all night/wash it in ass's milk/whatever AND lay down the law on a school night!!

2. Btw I have pulled over on the hard shoulder more than once because I couldn't keep driving with her yelling at me. It never occurred to me to teach her not to.

Tori, sorry if I came accross harsh. of course you know your child . I was just saying that they like to have you around. I don't always pick up my ds if he doesn't settle, just have to hold his hand or simply stand at the side of the cot til he stops crying and drifts off. Thankfully, he slept through at 12 weeks but still has to be fed to sleep both at night and in the day which is a whole other thread!

paolosgirl, your neighbour's example sounds a bit extreme.

My dd 4.9 still co-sleeps - we are happy with that as she does not wake or disturb us. But she is happy to sleepover at grandma's house, has slept with her cousin over, and is begging us for sleepovers.

blueshoes are you and DH quite petite? I struggle to co-sleep with an 11wk old and DH in a king size bed

I am petite but not my dh, lol. We have a king sized bed.

I don't think you are ever supposed to get to the point with CC where you leave the child for an hour plus to cry - have you got Dr Ferber's book? It is very good but it advocates baby steps. Leave for five minutes the first night, then go back after ten minutes, then at 15 minute intervals until baby asleep. Next night increase by 5 minutes.

CC can work very well but I think if it is going to work it will do within a few nights, if it is taking weeks it is just not for your DC, try something else.

oh I see you say you have a kingsized bed.

Where did poor Betsy go? I very much hope this has not scared her off MN....?

Oh, I think that's a given, Blue.

If you are out there Betsy, don't despair, just read the bits that help you!

CC is best done very young and it paid off with us within 3 nights. Take to bed at the exact same time (6.30 - 7.pm), say the same words "night, night, god bless" always in darkness and shut the door. Avoid eye contact and never pick up. Increase the time you pop in and check every night. Do not give in as at this age they know how to play the game. A child neads strict structure and will thank you for it in months to come.

Hi everyone...sorry for the late reply...my computer crashed on me and i just managed to get it working.

Thanks for all your opinions.

CC was my last resort. I thought it was cruel. But i was so desperate....I'm so exhausted. Before cc i did rocking...that meant he expected to be rocked everytime he woke up. I did the stroking and he would expect the same thing. I picked him up and put him down and he wanted that too at 3am. He just wouldn't settle when he woke up.

I did the routine. Dinner, bath, massage, read a book,bottle, say goodnight. Didnt work. I made sure he was tired.I even went to a cranial osteopath.

I read somewhere that potential geniuses have trouble tuning out and wake up many times a night.... hahahah maybe i do have a genius??

I like to think that about my dd2 too Betsy

CC at six weeks???? Good Grief.
A babies idea of the world is very different to an adults you cant compare how you would feel compared to a baby. A baby is completely dependant on their parent. So I would advise no to CC and to look at humane methods to get a little one off to sleep.

The first three months in a babies life is crucial for personality development and attachment.

Buy the baby whisperer and consider pick up put down and the ssh pat method. It is hard work but it does work. You never leave your baby you stay with the baby for the reassurance that it needs.

I did CC with my DS at 12 weeks and it worked within two nights. He's now a bright, affectionate, loving and well rested three year old. I can't understand all this moral high ground. Each to their own I say ....

its not moral high ground its basic concern for child and personality development. Perhaps anyone considering doing CC should look at attachment theory and then decide. I would recommend John Bowlby and Winnicott.

Attachement Theory is very interesting and relevant in the case of children
who have been systematically abused / neglected / abandoned over a considerable period of time.
Nothing to do with CC.

No, moral high ground it ain't; just folks who have either failed to do their homework
or who struggle to understand the theories and the research.

Besty, you waited way beyond 3 months. You did it by the book and you initially succeeded.
By all means modify the approach - say, you could stay in his room a bit longer -
but from what you describe CC was the right approach for the kind of sleep issue your son had.

Yes, there are definitely times when you have to do sleep training again. Stick to your guns.
And sleep tight

Good post DaddyJ.

CC isn't about abandoning your baby to cry all night and never going back to check on him/her.

You have to go in and soothe the baby at timed intervals, which are very short. Every 30 seconds, then every minute, then every minute and a half ect until they fall asleep but you don't leave them crying for more than 5 mins or so.
The next night you do exactly the same, and the next night the same.

That's why it's called controlled crying.
It doesn't mean you are neglectful or abusive.
Done properly it's very effective. It's definitely not about teaching the child that there's no point in crying because no one comes - you're constantly going in to comfort the child!

I did CC with all 3 dc's (after 6 months) and I can't think of any negatives at all, only positives.

They slept all night, and had long naps during the day. During the day they are cuddled and kissed and loved and whatever they need I will give, whenever they cry I go to them straight away.

If any of them wake during the night, I get straight up and see what's wrong and cuddle them and put them back to bed.
When they are ill, they sleep with me and I pick them up and cuddle them all night if that's what it takes.
So, just because I did CC I'm not a neglectful, bad mum.