Is it entirely normal for 4 year olds to have personality changes every few minutes?

[JoshandJamie]

My DS is 4.5. He has always been a sensitive child, prone to incredible tantrums. He hates being the centre of attention, clings to me in any situation including being dropped off at pre-school where he's been going for ages, getting him to join in activities is like pulling teeth (although once he's comfortable in a situation he will as long as he doesn't feel there's any pressure on him to do so).

But the thing that drives me bonkers are his personality changes. One minute he is happy and helpful and then in a heartbeat he's lashing out, yelling, being aggressive. And then a few minutes later he's back to normal again. This goes on all the time. When he was a 2 year old I used to always say that it was like walking on egg shells around him because you never knew what was going to trigger a tantrum. While it's improved slightly as he's gotten older, he's still incredibly temperamental.

Is this normal? And if so, what't the best way to cope with it?

Sounds normal to me.

I think you have to deal calmly with the aggression and ignore any tantrum like behaviour. Ds has just turned 5 and I would either send him to his room to calm down and then talk to him about what happened and why or walk out of the room he was in saying I was not prepared to deal with him while he is going on like that. Boys get a surge of testosterone around this age and it can make them quite agressive, the problem is as ds puts it they "don't know how to control the angriness" so you also have to help your ds find strategies to deal with the anger - hitting a pillow, counting to 10 etc.

Yup, normal. The calmer you can stay the better. And tbh not just boys, either; my dd was a right little drama queen. It will pass.

Yes-agree with the others-normal.
Just grit your teeth and stay calm!!

Good to know it's normal. I was on the point of going to speak to a psychologist or something! He is incredibly aggressive at the moment. Good tip gooseyloosey to show him how to control it. Whether it will work, who knows!

The weird thing is that he has an amazing outburst and then minutes later it's as though he has no recollection of behaving that way at all.

My daugher is now 5 and she still has tantrums. Today for the first time she had one in the car at school , screaming because her hair clip annoyed her. I had to go back home with her. She is now sleeping on the sofa. It is her first year at school and she is totally overtired. I think they are doing far too much, reading, adding , preparing an end of year show.... all of this in a very noisy environment... they are only 5 and should be doing more playing than learning ... give them a rest !

Is he maybe getting stressed about starting big school. Maybe they have been preparing him at preschool and he is worried because he knows he is getting ready for a change. There was a study done recently to show that children can get stressed about school 6 months or more before thy actually start.

My LO sounds very similar to yours. Very sensitive and prone to get stressed very quickly. We got the totally bonkers agression when he started school, and for about 5 months. It drove me to distraction. He was very angry because he was being 'made' to go to school when he didn't want to. He would be all cheery then would turn into a little monster 5 minutes after coming home. He was letting out stress. I had to ride the waves. He's fine now he has 'got' the whole school thing.

He had his first trial session at school yesterday. The tantrum was spectacular. Even the headmistress was terrified.

Could be it then. To be fair, he is probably a thinker and may be playing out all the scenarios of what could happen in his head. When we went to school they used to just sling you in and you just got on with it. Maybe all this preparation is not good for the worriers.

Guess you have to do tea and sympathy with him for a while then. He, obviously does have to do the school thing (unless homeschooling of course) but mummy can be there with lots of hugs. Found I still had to draw the line at unacceptable behaviour and lost my cool with him, but always ended it with a cuddle and some sympathy. Sound like he is battling with his emotions, poor thing.

Are his preschool friends going to the same school?

thanks teebee. Some of his friends are going with him. To be honest, the minute I leave he is fine. It's purely the 'scene' he carries out for my benefit. If a teacher comes and takes his hand and leads him into the class/gets him interested in something he's fine (well ok as long as I leave pronto) but if he's expected to just leave me and go in he won't do it. I've told his new teacher that and she said she'd try to do that from now on.

But am not convinced this is all about school. He does it with anything. We can be playing at home all going well. Then in a heartbeat, something snaps and he's this aggressive, tantruming little beast. Then a few moments later he's good as gold and it's like it never happened. When he is good, he in angelic.

Am never sure how much to prepare him for things. I've tried not preparing him and just taking him somewhere and he's baulked at it. I've tried preparing him and chatting casually about it to get him used to the idea of something, and he still baulks at it. He just doesn't seem to manage new things well. So it makes school a potential minefield.

my dd1 is is a sensitive child, she is in reception, Ive come to realise that her outbursts are just a release of her pent up emotions. Ive noticed that if she has had a challenging day, she often has the most incredible outburst later on(aimed at me of course!)I think that when a child is of a sensitive nature, quite normal and usually quite enjoyable things take a lot out of them,i dont think they take much in their stride iykwim.My d was dreadful at pre school, but coped surprisingly well with starting school.try not to worry,but it is hard, even taking them to parties can be stressful for us, the last party I took my daughter to I said to her ' Im going to be here the whole time, you can stay with me until you are ready to join in, and you can come back and sit with me any time you like '. It was the noisiest party ever (she hates loud noise), yet it was the shortest time ever taken to join in, and in fact the most she has ever joined in, and she loved it ! Be patient, its a slow process I think.

Thanks debris. My son isn't good with parties either. And at his we didn't dare sing happy birthday to him as they'd sung happy birthday to him at nursery and pre-school and apparently on both occassions he disolved into tears because he hated everyone looking at him and being the cente of attention.

So at his party I asked if he'd like to choose two friends to help him blow his candles out (so that he wouldn't be the only one doing it). He chose two. The cake came out. They blew. He hung back. Then he had a tantrum because he didn't get to blow the candles out. Sigh.

Oh I know its just so frustrating, I just think they are in a constant battle with themselves, they cant cope with certain situations at the time, but get really cross with themselves after the event, because once the moment has passed they feel as though they have missed out, you just cant win! Have you read the book, ' The Highly Sensitive Child' ?It really does help you understand them a bit more.

No - but I think I'm going to go get it. Thanks Debris!

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Another thing I have found -particularly with boys- is the need for a physical outlet. Make sure he has a daily dose of running around like a loon either at a park or in a garden. The more they tire themselves out the better! If the weather is bad just rug up & go jump in puddles (good fun for you too!)Doesn't have to be long but a short blast is better than nothing. Regular swiming helps too.

HTH

HE definitely gets a daily run. He and his brother have races in the garden (they get more elaborate everyday - round the washing line, up the hill, down on a pushalong car, round a tree, three somersaults, 10 star jumps and then finish!)

Thinking about him, part of the problem is his inability to control his emotions. So when he gets happy/excited he gets completely over the top and ends up hurting others because he is so manic. Then when he's angry/upset we quite often have him saying: I can't stop crying. I don't know how to. And he genuinely seems incapable of doing it. In those situations I try to hold/cuddle him till he calms down.