Should my 11 year old dd be doing this.

[nametaken]

My dd is in a close friendship group with 2 other girls at school and they play nicely and do everything together at school.

However, when they get home, one of the other girls always rings my dd to talk and bitch about the third girl.

I'm really uncomfortable sitting there listening to them be unkind about the 3rd girl. Especially coz I know they are gonna be sweet as pie to her the next day.

Should I say something, and if so, what?

Definitely !!!! I would ask her how she would feel if she found out the other two were doing the same about her !

i think you should talk to your daughter about bieng two faced and underhanded. it is not kind and there is every chance that the other girl rings the 3rd girl and talks horribly about your daughter. divide and conquer and all taht.. not nice behaviour.

Horrid, but then girls that are.
Why are they friends with her at school?
Could be that they feel like they are stuck with her (since primamry school, maybe?), but don't want to be friends any more?

If so, explain that it would be better to make the break now, that carry on like this, as it will only get worse and she-and probably they-will end up getting very upset.

I speak from experience as a bit of a bitch, even as an 11-year-old, but also as teh victim of this, as a 14-year old.

Girls can be vile!

I remember bitching about another girl once. My big sister pointed it out to me and showed her disgust. It shamed me and made me really think about what I'd done and I have to say I am eternally grateful to her for this because sometimes we can get swept along with bad behaviour and need to have it pointed out.

yes girls are foul and easily led. she might not stop it completely if you speak to her but it might make her think twice.. i would def say something.

When my eldest dd was 11, her teacher had to talk to the parents of all the girls in her class (except her - she was perfect obviously ) because the levels of sheer bitchiness were so bad. So, in answer to your question, yep it's perfectly normal, horrible, but normal.
However, I still think it's unacceptable and that you should talk to her and try to get her to see what it must be like to be the 3rd girl and point out that it could just as easily (and maybe actually is) her.
For what it's worth, my biggest surprise when having a boy after two girls was that boys can be 'bitchy' too.

I't's not my dd making the bitchy phone-calls though, it's the other girl who keeps calling here to bitch about the third girl.

She's just bloody done it again!!!! 5 minutes after she got home from school she rang here to bitch to my dd about the third girl!!!!!

I've explained to my dd that it's wrong, unkind etc etc, but it's not my dd that's doing it - it's the other girl.

Should I say something to the other girl? The one making the bitchy phone calls?

Does your DD actually want to be friends with Mean Girl? Or is she a bit scared of what she might do/say if she stops joining in?

Hmm that's a tough call I would just concentrate on telling my daughter not to rise to it. She will soon stop calling her if she gets no response, and maybe move on to some other victim. Your daughter is still involved in the bitchiness if she is joining in.

Read up on cliques and have a talk with her. This is a useful site kidshealth.org which she can read too.

People in cliques sometimes use their power to hurt others on purpose, either by excluding them, being mean, or both. Sometimes they might insult people by trying to "fix" them or give them "makeovers." Sometimes it becomes more serious and someone outside the group is targeted or victimized for being, looking, or acting different.

It's not right. Your dd needs to know how to cope and manage these type of situations which will continue I expect in school too. I'm sure she knows its wrong, but may need your help on how to deal with it.

nametaken - please read the link I posted. My dd1 (yr 7) found it very useful when she was having problems at school.

She may find it difficult to be assertive with the girl without it coming across as aggressive. Maybe talk about ways to stop the girl in her tracks without losing her friendship. My uncle does a brilliant line if anyone is bitching ' sorry, don't want to sit here slagging of anyone when they are not here to defend themeselves', and quickly move the conversation onto something else. Works every time and no-ones nose put out of joint.

lots of tips here so thanks guys, will have a good talk to her at the week-end

"it's not my dd that's doing it - it's the other girl.". Your dd might not be instigating it, but she is still participating in the bitching.

Girls do this unfortunately, and it's not nice.

And as a rule they all go through it at some stage.

I agree with pps here. Let your daughter know that it's not good to listen to bitching either, and that a bitch can change sides with the wind.

sorry but the other girl might be doing the dialling but both girls are doing the bitching - you cannt bitch alone

The other girl could well be bitching about your dd as well.

I'd have a long chat about this behaviour with your dd, how to deal with it maybe encourage other friendships as this girl sounds pretty poisonous - and being in a triangle is never good news.

Agree with Wannabe - your dd still participating even if not instigating.

I used to be the third girl.
It can change you for life, I enjoyed school up till that point and it still hurts over 20years later.

missmama, that's so sad

i also was the third girl mm. Think i have been my whole life