parents whom do positive parenting - ie no time out, smacking, shouting etc...

[saywhat]

well, i never thought i would say this but please help me! I am tired of being the negative person in my childrens lives, i want to be a mum whom is understanding, can reason but can also be firm, without any times out, shouting or smacking. Its not how i have been brought up and i think i have always had the belief if you dont do these things you will end up with children whom are totally unruly, walk all over you etc...sorry, i know thats bad. But i dont think that anymore, i think that if i keep bringing them up in a shouty, no patience, negative manner, i will end up with insecure children!

I am also so tired of feeling guilty in the evenings, once i have had a break from them, and thinking to myself, you shoudnt have done this, that and the other, they are just babies! Bit of history, my 2 children are 3 years and 2 years.

so good positive parents out there, tell me how to get started, how do i go from being moany mummy to a more loving natured mummy?

PS If you weren't such a great mummy you wouldn't even be thinking about all this x

sorry ladies its been a busy weekend so just catching up before fathers day gets underway! Sadly i never managed to get to borders on saturday so at the moment i am still bookless, but feel like i have made a lot of head way already with the advice given on this thread. I have actively stopped myself from shouting quite a few times in the past two to three days, just now being one of them! 4 times in the past 15 minutes i have told my youngest to leave our house rabbit alone, she keeps cornering him and being a rescue one he gets very panicked. Normally by that stage i would shout, but i calmly got down to her level, told her that she couldnt chase the rabbit because it scares him, and when she continued to do so, i have now placed her in the time out corner for two minutes time out. I am trying not to use it much but i still do on occasion.

I am sure there is still a long long way to come, and with it looking like my eldest is going to be put in casts for tip toe walking and a new baby due soon, plus a terrible two'er i think i am going to have my work cut out for me, but even knowing i am trying is helping.

I hope everyone has a great fathers day and rest of weekend

I have 2 books to recommend which have helped improve my relationships. The book "Playful Parenting" shows adults who have forgotten how to play why it is so rewarding for parents and children when parents play with their kids - and there are seemingly good and bad ways for parents to play, this book shows you how!

Another book which is excellent is Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves: Transforming Parent-Child Relationships from Reaction and Struggle to Freedom, Power and Joy". This one advises that when you feel angry/other negative emotion, you need to step out of the feeling and away from the emotion it arouses in you, and then look at the same situation from the point of view of your child. This technique really reduces friction between parent and child and builds trust and closeness. This book is a bit "radical" in that it is not a reward and punishment method & I reckon a lot of people wouldn't read it because the title wouldn't appeal. However, you don't need to follow it 100% and it has something of real value to say to anyone who wants to build empathy and understanding with a child.

Tbh having 2 such young children and another on the way is a lot to cope with, don't be too hard on yourself for not achieving perfection!

The learning to play part is a huge deal for me. I remember watching the house of tiny tearaways a few years ago and there was a young mother like me (21 at the time) with two little girls like me, that just found it so hard to sit and play with her girls. Tanya pointed out that even when she did play she never smiled, never got in the spirit, or seemed to enjoy it, which can be me all over. I have always put it down to simply not playing as a child myself, i was very quiet and spent most of my time in my room reading books, anything and everything, i was a very advanced reader by 4 years old. I dont ever remember playing with toys, or favorite toys from childhood.

I prefer the educational side of things, both my girls knew there animal flash cards from start to finish by 15 months old (i would lay three out and ask them to pick say the mouse) and my eldest knows most shapes, colours, can count and add/take away simple ones (not in her head lol that would be amazing) and trace letters realy well. That sort of thing is right up my street. I am not so bad at the creative either, making paper hats, or painting or making fairy cakes, but the sitting and playing with say a doll or dolls house? rubbish. I dont know what to do, feel like an idiot and dont enjoy it!

so a book that reminds adults how to play sounds really good to me. The second one i will look into as well, thank you

It is an interesting book becuase it explains why kids like to play as they do, eg why the repetition, and what is going on in their development as they play. This makes it more interesting to play with them as you can see the point of it and what it is achieving. When you are tuned in you can see them develop through their play which gives the same kind of satisfaction/reward as teaching colours & numbers etc. The book also shows you how to communicate using play and why that can work a treat when other methods are not working, and how to address behavioural issues via play.

The book has definite advice on how to play. Eg it advises that with board games and young children you should not play to win at the maximum of your skill level because you think it is vital to give them an honest and genuine experience, as it is much more valuable to keep them engaged and let them win quite a lot - or even all the time, depending on the child and the situation.