parents whom do positive parenting - ie no time out, smacking, shouting etc...

[saywhat]

well, i never thought i would say this but please help me! I am tired of being the negative person in my childrens lives, i want to be a mum whom is understanding, can reason but can also be firm, without any times out, shouting or smacking. Its not how i have been brought up and i think i have always had the belief if you dont do these things you will end up with children whom are totally unruly, walk all over you etc...sorry, i know thats bad. But i dont think that anymore, i think that if i keep bringing them up in a shouty, no patience, negative manner, i will end up with insecure children!

I am also so tired of feeling guilty in the evenings, once i have had a break from them, and thinking to myself, you shoudnt have done this, that and the other, they are just babies! Bit of history, my 2 children are 3 years and 2 years.

so good positive parents out there, tell me how to get started, how do i go from being moany mummy to a more loving natured mummy?

Well my one saving grace that i do tell myself is that i know i adore my girls and am very proud of them, my eldest is such a bright spark and full of energy, and my youngest is a really affectionate, warm little girl, its just so scary being responsible all the time for such precious little people and worrying that you might taint that in how you are as a person. I used to say to my husband that he should stay at home because he is the better parent, and i should go to work, but i couldnt earn as much as he could, so it just wasnt practical. I didnt want to work to get away from them, i wanted to work to get me away from them if that makes sense.

Anyhow, i think some book reading could be the answer, though i do feel a bit wary of books now, as i certainly took one too literally, and some of the tips on here are great, the video camera, getting down to their level and making eye contact when speaking to them and asking them why...i will try them all, and try not to slip back into old habits at the first 'hurdle'.

cornsilk, i was brought up firmly, there were 5 of us so i am not suprised lol, but i know me and my sister both feel a bit resentful to our parents now, because they are so soft with out grandkids and critising us for being so harsh...when they were the same with us when growing up! The hypocrisy of it, if you see what i mean. But obviously at the same time i dont expect or want them to be firm with their grandkids either. They are great grandparents, and my kids are also lucky enough to have great grand parents too. They certainly dont lack for family love that for sure!

oh and thank you all for your support, its the first time i have spoken as openly about this and i was a little scared i would get shot down.

saywhat... please don't take this the wrong way.
It sounds like you are doing a great job with your dd's. I think you could really do with working on your self confidence. Can you talk to your GP about this? Maybe see someone to talk about, your childhood, depression and stuff. Really, you are obviously a really loving, concientious mum and are doing the same, if not better, as all the rest of us.

oh that sentance reads wrong, i should say the kids have fab grandparents and also are lucky enough to have a set of great granparents too, my granny and grandad

3 and 2 is difficult

I pride myself on being a really positive parent - about 80% of the time

when I am run down or tired or just plain exhausted by being POllyanna mum I do shout.

I 100% believe children learn by example. Dh and I are, mostly, courteous with each other and I also treat my dds with respect. I take time out to spend 10 mins alone with each of them per day (doesnt sound like a lot but I have 3) and I listen while they chat on. I really try not to listen to anyone else who criticises me or my children and I suppose I feel very confident with them. Sometimes things dont go so well and I tend to overthink things. I also work 3 x mornings a week and go out with girlfriends 2 x a week - once to an excercise class and once for a drink/movies. This keeps me relatively sane.

I think some people would think I am too soft with my children, but so far the girls are doing a fantastic job at proving me right! They are kind, thoughtful, imaginative kids. The older one can be a surly cleverdick, the middle one is unbelievably messy and the little one is totally bonkers/random (2.2!)

The book that effie recommends is brill. But remember, 3 and 2 are difficult, difficult ages. I have a 2.2. year old and lordy, she is testing sometimes.

I've just found that if one of the children is being difficult the one thing that will improve their behaviour is more cuddles and if I pour love onto them.
I am probably too soft most of the time -I do shout sometimes but if I am cross then it just doesn't work. It only makes things worse.

So I'm all for positive parenting, good luck with it.
It would be nice for you to feel better about yourself as a mum....it really is a demanding job.

I agree with others, be kind to yourself.

If it helps, I had a very difficult, stressful childhood and have had counselling to cope with it - this resulted in me becoming a much better parent - ie not HATING myself if I ever did shout!

yes agree with rosie

I always cuddle when they are in a state. Or if they are being particuarly awful I tell them off and say I dont like their behaviour. After that there is usually a 'window' wehn you can say 'come here' and give them a cuddle

but 3 and 2 are YOUng young young

ingles, i have always been really wary about seeing a gp, the only reason i went in this case about the ups and downs i get in my moods, is because i am finally accepting they happen and i cant switch them off. Luckily we are talking 4 or 5 times a year here though. As i said earlier my mother was mentally ill, and lost custody of us when i was very young, and i used to be completely terrified of GP's, having anything on file that i might not be coping, incase the same happened. I realise now though that that was a long time ago, over 30 years, and things have come on a lot since then. I didnt see a gp for a year about my PND, because i was sure someone would come in one day and just take my eldest and i would never see her again.

But i have been now, he is a new doctor though and doesnt have my notes yet, so i have to go back in two weeks, so far he has been very understanding, and i will try to speak to him about my parenting concerns too.

remember, the fact that you can see your own behaviour so clearly and the fact that you are so self-aware means that you are not mentally ill. I dont know anything about bi polar but to me you sound lacking in confidence, tired adn prone to over thinking (I also do that). Obv I dont know you and cant diagnose!

you poor thing.
you know what, things HAVE moved on a lot in the last 30 years, but also you are not your mum!
I can understand you fears, having had an aggressive, violent father I worried for a long time I would replicate that behaviour and his mental health problems. Of course I haven't... in fact it's probably made me better parent because I'm so aware it.
please talk to your gp. there is nothing to be afraid of and everything to gain.

i used to be very good with cuddles, as they used to make me feel better too but as they have got older, i know i dont give them anywhere near enough, and sometimes even shy away from physical contant, more so again with my poor eldest than my second. I think i feel more guilty where my eldest is concerned because of the PND i had. I have started to try to be more hands on there though, having a bath with them, and reading the bedtime stories some nights instead of letting my DH do it all the time. It is helping, but i tend to do these things for a few weeks and become what i would call a 'good mum' then something happens and i go back to being 'moany mum'

saywhat, I've only skimmed the thread but it strikes me that the 'sibling rivalry' by the same authors as 'how to talk so kids will listen' book could also come in handy in the future

so being practical... today....
1/give your gorgeous dd's loads of cuddles
2/prepare something for you to all do and enjoy later, maybe some art, or make some biscuits
3/ Don't sweat the small stuff
4/remind yourself regularly.. You are a Great Parent!

bi polar used to be called manic depression, and i think its meant to come in episodes or cycles, where you can feel shockingly down, depressed or suicidal over the slightest thing...and other times you can feel bursting full of energy, being completely irriational, like say, wanting to suddenly jump on a train and go somewhere, spending money like water on anything and everything...you can be both at the same time too i think. If you cant get the energy out it can manifest in extreme irritability and anger. Its caused by a hormone imbalance.

I have always had a really good sense of who i am, and my faults as much as my good points, but i am rubbish at then doing something about it. I dont want to get stuck in the rut of blaming the wee things about me on childhood, my mother etc, its not productive to me, its more excuses to not sort myself out as such.

Hence the post on here, i figured if plain speaking MN'ERS cant knock some sense into me, noone can!

othersideofthechannel, is that because you see that i say that i am a bit better with my second than my first? thats what worries me too, that i can find it easier sometimes to be more emotional with my second and that could breed jealousy. I dont think i treat them any different really in the discipline stakes, but perhaps in the emotional sense a little yes. Another reason why i want to try to get on top of the discipline and be more understanding etc, because with my first i know i carry a lot of guilt for the PND and feel bad when i tell her off now, so i suppose i hope that by being a calmer parent and more understanding one, i will lose that guilt and feel more able to form better emotional bonds with her.

or was it just because they are toddlers, and close in age lol and my paranoia kicking in again!

ingles, i have been making fairy cakes with them most of this week and am ashamed to say that i have yet to have a batch come out that actually looks like fairy cakes! i think i will give up on the ready mixes and try it by hand!

It is turning into a nice day out here so i will get them out in the garden this afternoon, get the paints out and let them get messy. That should make them happy LOL

because of your experiences SW you are thinking too much about it!
they're toddlers, it's bloody hard work!
set yourself small goals each day and speak to your gp.

[nods vigorously behind ingles]

Lots of good advise here.

I always make a point of squatting down to their level, I place one hand gently on his shoulder, look into his eyes, before I talk. I ask him why are you doing this. Mostly he doesnt know. or It is fun. Then I calmly tell him he has to stop doing it, and I tell him WHY. I give him the consequence. Like,

"You have to stop bouncing on this chair because it is very wobbly, can topple over and you may hurt yourself." or,

"Dont swing from the banister, I know it is fun, but if you lose the grip, you will fall down the stairs and get hurt"

"Please do not put 3 dvds into the dvd player at once, there is really only room for one, and if you put more in, the dvds will be damaged and the dvd player may break"

Then after I have explain, we will either tidy up the mess together (or he will just be looking), if there is a mess, or I will avert his attention to something else that is fun, such as "look, here is the book about animals, lets us look in it for a little".

Also, I try to be outdoors as much as possible, park, walks, playground, they are bouncing with energy, and kicking a ball with them, is really great fun.

And yes, boundaries should not be broken, not even once, because that is settign up a bad example for the future. And I dont give in to whining and moaning. A constant "mummy, ICE CREAM, sob sob, scream, ICE CREAM" will not be rewarded with ice cream, as then they know exactly how to get an icecream next time... moan moan, whine....
I dont promise them sweets or treats in advance, I dont mention it. But there is usually a pudding at our house, but it is not a reward, just a part of the meal that we eat when we have had our dinner.

Good Luck. You have taken an important step in recognising what sort of parent you want to be. I used to be like you, and I bought two very good books, one simply called Positive Parenting. I dont have them as they are boxed up in the garage (just moved).

Also, if you DO have a bad day, and you end up shouting and screaming, dont be too hard on yourself. It happens. BUT be prepared to be extra understanding the next couple of days. A child who is no longer accustomed to such behaviour will feel very insecure and needs a lot of reassurance. I have not yelled at my six year old for at least a year, but the other day I lost it, and I could see a pair of big round watery eyes, a shaking little hand, and quivering lips. Of course, I was guilt ridden. But I am only human, and what can I do? Apart from telling him, I am sorry, mummy overreacted and behaved very bad just now, I love you very much and I will NOT yell again. THen stick to it.
At three, they are also able to think about mummys behaviour and decide whether they like it or not. I lost my temper with my 3 year old too recently (massive stresses at the moment) and I asked him to go and lie down in mummys bed. I went in to him 5 minutes later when I had calmed down and he said "Have you come to say sorry, mummy?"

When you do feel yourself shake with frustration, when you do feel you are losing yourself, take yourself out of the situation. Let your mind go blank. Breathe. Go to toilet if you are at home, just sit, breathe, try to be calm, try to rationalize it, and think, they are little children, I dont want them to be hurt and upset" Go out there and go out with them.

Oh, this was long. I shall stop now. Good Luck!

i have an appointment next week so will do that.

I actually drew up a wee checklist to try to complete every day with the girls a few weeks back, from cuddling them and saying i love you to doing one activity a day with them, taking a picture and making up a wee album with. I am really good at following things like that, i use flylady for my housekeeping, and can cook great if i have a step by step recipe in front me!

thanks QuintessentialShadows lots of good advice there. When i first started realising how i was being, it was when i had been particulaly shouty with my eldest one day about 4 months ago, and she said to me that night, I am sorry mummy. I said what for, and she said, its my fault. I said whats your fault and she said, i made you angry. I was so upset, though i didnt show it, i cuddled her and told her that it wasnt her fault, and that no matter how angry mummy gets that i loved her, and told her that she was a good little girl. I asked her to repeat that to me a few times, that she was a good little girl, but that evening i spent most of it crying.

My husband is really supportive and is a great dad, he loves his girls and i think he makes up for me sometimes but even he said that night that it wasnt good for a three year old to be taking responsibility for her mothers 'adult' behaviour, and blaming herself, in a really nice way of course, he is never nasty to me.

I lost my trin of thought there because the girls started scrapping in their bedroom lol, just went to split them up. They are being very good considering i have been lurking this post all morning, but i am classing it as important, to be a better parent for them, i dont normally sit at a pc all day!

You've got a lot on your plate atm - 2 toddlers and you are pregnant!

I still have good and bad days or even weeks with my dc (now aged 4 and 7).

Agree with what has been said already but would also add that active praise works wonders with children (ie, try to focus on their positive behaviour rather than the negative). Teachers do this all the time - I have to actively remind myself to do it!

Just a quick one - I identify with so much here - I have a 4 and 3yo and, like you, regret following a certain guru in the early days ... I gave up on 'manuals' for a long time but 'How To Talk' IS a great book, as is Alfie Kohn's UNCONDITIONAL PARENTING - no quick fixes, more a way of life.

I will continue to follow this thread. Hugs - don't be too hard on yourself (I wish I could follow my own advice sometimes)