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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Please tell me calm and consistant is better than yelling and smacking...

12 replies

deaconblue · 09/06/2008 10:15

Ds (2) is behaving pretty badly at the moment - lots of smacking and toy throwing. So yesterday I started using time out, moving him away from his cousin whenever he smacked, making him sit on his own for two minutes and making him say sorry. Because it didn't seem to make any difference my mum tells me I need to "lose my temper" more often and I suspect she thinks he needs a smack.
I think it couldn't be expected to work instantly on day 1 and we need to be consistant over a time period. I also think shouting is ineffective as it just becomes "blah, blah, blah" to a child. I'm sure I'm right and it will work eventually but feel really undermined by my mum's nagging

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RubySlippers · 09/06/2008 10:17

yes it is, but it is blardy hard work at times

my 2 year old smacked me on the face yesterday

cor, i had to count to 10 and then some

RubySlippers · 09/06/2008 10:17

IME, 2 is a tricky age

they are 90% angel and 10% spawn of the devil

Heathcliffscathy · 09/06/2008 10:18

try positive too. really praise every single tiny thing he does that isn't destructive....you might find it really works...if he buys into being really clever/calm/kind/gentle it will become him iyswim.

your mum is wrong. absolutely.

how on earth can you hope to teach him that smacking is wrong if you smack him???? he'll stop doing it (maybe) out of fear, but will do it if he thinks he won't be caught.

YOU are his parent. she needs to back right off.

cory · 09/06/2008 10:25

If your Mum is expecting any parenting to have an instant effect on a 2-year-old, then she is displaying a classic case of maternal amnesia. Just ignore her. You are right and you can do it!

OrmIrian · 09/06/2008 10:29

Yes it is. Of course.

Walnutshell · 09/06/2008 10:32

DS (2.7) displays all the usual toddler stuff and sometimes in extremes (shouting, hitting me, not sharing, being truly delightful...) but shouting at him just escalates the problem, he gets louder and more agitated and I get wound up. It really is NOT worth it.

IN my limited experience, I think you have to ride a lot of this behaviour out as they are just learning the rules - one step forward, two steps back. You will feel better and more in control if you stay calm than if you let rip and the outcome will be at worst the same and at best teaching him that 'we don't shout in this house' which will have a longer term impact.

Don't be undermined by your mum nagging - it's her grown-up way of shouting at you! See, it doesn't work!

Walnutshell · 09/06/2008 10:33

(Or should it be two steps forward and one step back? Oh I don't know, it just takes a while. Better go before I start line-dancing)

blueshoes · 09/06/2008 11:18

Where it is really important, I do introduce a sharpness in my voice and adopt a stern face.

I am of emotional stock, as are my dcs. My ds 20 months can read from my face if he has been very naughty. Not that he necessarily stops what he is doing - I don't expect that of him - but at least he understands that he has crossed the line. And of course, I have to do this ad infinitum.

Not only am I not great at calm and consistent, it is not in tune with my personality. Children should learn how to read emotions from facial and vocal cues anyway. And as a parent, you also know if you have crossed the line in puncturing a little ego.

beansontoast · 09/06/2008 11:21

if you're calm...there is hope that they will be calm.

i use this a mantra...it doesnt make me perfect but it does improve my average performance

i also shreik it at dp...being ironic of course

Twinkie1 · 09/06/2008 11:21

You have to stick with it for them to understand that it is now routine and I always stay calm and try not to raise my voice - just use a different tone - DS knows he has done wrong then - especially with my stern mummy face.

If you lose your temper one minute and shout and scream at them and the next you are calm and use time out they will just get confused and anxious - now a raised eyebrow and the word STAIRS - is enough to sned DS into a fit of remorse and you get lots of sorrys, cuddles and promises that he won't do it again!

Original poster

deaconblue · 09/06/2008 11:21

you know when you are sure you're doing hte right thing but people around you make you doubt it? It's bound to take a while for him to make the link that smacking leads to being put on your bottom and not being able to play. My mum talks as if he's in danger of becoming a horrible child/adult. I tried to explain today how she's made me feel but she says she doesn't interfere and has just supported me to the best of her ability. grrrrrrrrrr so she just doesn't get it...

OP posts:

choosyfloosy · 09/06/2008 11:22

Gosh, you know I get so p'd off when I read in articles in SAGA magazine (great offers, interesting read) how grandparents are all repositories of parenting wisdom and how sh*te everyone under, ooh, 50 is at parenting.

Ask her, though - what exactly does she mean by 'lose your temper'? She may not mean smacking, she might mean shouting. Also, get her into reminiscing about it. In my view you are likely to discover - surprise! - that it made no particular difference to the behaviour of the children. 2 year olds take a LONG time to learn anything, by any method, except how to open doors you were convinced they wouldn't be able to open until they were 8.

In my view you're right. Of course. But find out what your mum really meant, and don't beat yourself up if one day you do shout at your little darling!

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