AK and 'How to talk' followers, could you help me with ds1, 4.5yo?

[Pitchounette]

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are you saying he is getting upset/sad or aggressive over being asked to put the apple core in the bin or to flush the loo?

Also not an expert, but agree with Starlight - lots of positive talk - " you know, you are so good with ds2, I don't know what I'd do without you", and perhaps simply rephrases like, "could you help mummy by putting the apple core in the bin when you're finished? That would be very helpful", etc. Easier said than done when you're busy, I know.
dd is only 19 mo, so I have all this to come... consider yourself bumped!

could you make it into a game?
for instance, say "can you guess what it is I want you to do next? see if you can work it out. I am going to draw you a clue now"

then draw apple core with hand putting into bin etc

make a big song and dance when he guesses it

sometimes I draw a list of jobs for ds to do (ie get changed, brush teeth, make bed) - he forgets otherwise and it saves me having to nag and get peeved
he feels important carrying the list around and checking each one

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I slightly recognise what you are describing btw
ds has had a stage (similar age) of getting VERY CROSS if asked / told to do something that he probably thought he ought to have done already
"I was GOING TO, you didn't have to TELL ME"

Oh where was it I read this - oh yes, Ekkhart Tolle, A New Earth (I have a secret adoration for Oprah which just got considerably less secret...)

He talks about the amount of time we parents spend giving our children form based attention - either "please do this or that" or "gosh, you are doing this and that" - commenting or instructing.

And how what children really really crave is formless attention - just to be with them, atttentively, while they get on with their thing.

Bearing that in mind - the balance in your relationship between form based and formless attention - might help.

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yes, that's pretty much what Tolle was saying - just being there and available to help rather than commenting and judging and trying to get children to fall in with our own agendas.

And obviously since I'm a perfect mother I do this all the time

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Oh not at all - it's a zen-y enlightenment-y kind of book, it's just that I was thinking of that one nugget about being fully present in the moment with our children

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how about the choice thing, would this work:

"Right we have a few jobs to do around here. We need to pick up the apple core, move those books upstairs, and put the washing in the washing machine. Which would you like to do and which shall Mummy do? What shall we do first?"

so taking the focus off it being HIM who should have done the jobs, and presenting it as a team effort in which you are equal partners. Of course he may get you to pick up the apple core while he loads the washing, but it doesn't really matter as long as he is helping, does it?