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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Forcing children to hug/kiss other adults

52 replies

Mavornia · 28/05/2008 09:34

Comments made by seeker and frannyandzoey on another thread made me remember how much I hate adults forcing children to give them hugs/kisses etc and now that my ds is 1 it's something I want to think about how to handle

my in-laws have actually "fallen out" with their other grandchild when she didn't want to kiss them - she's only 2 and she was forced to sit in the corner and made to say sorry and then give them all kisses while crying

I live in the middle east so I guess it's partly a cultural thing too here - you routinely go and kiss all family on both cheeks when arriving/leaving - my in-laws felt insulted when she didn't want to kiss them (though they are very stroppy and childish...)

however, i feel vey strongly that my ds is his own little person with his own likes and dislikes and inclinations

I suppose I'm after tips on managing my in-laws behaviour without them getting insulted and the best way to start telling my ds that he can say no

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Fillyjonk · 28/05/2008 09:38

well he MUST be able to say no to people touching him, I think that has to be the priority

obvious reasons why kids need to be assertive about their own bodies etc but also. its a fairly basic right, I think. Kids aren't toys.

How do you handle it? veeeery tricky. 2 is also quite young

The bottom line is that you are in the right, and its ok imo to be prepared to have a big argument over this if need be, but in my family this IS the sort of thing which could cause great offence and might necessitate a "you don't need to understand-my child-my rules" approach.

OverMyDeadBody · 28/05/2008 09:38

I'm shocked that your in laws would behave so childishly! Of course you shouldn't force a child to hug and kiss others or punish them for not doing so. Hugs and kisses are a spontanious display of affection, if it's forced it looses all meaning anyway!

Definately have a word with your inlaws if it gets to the stage where they are forcing it.

I grew up in the middle east, so know how inportant kissing is etc, but never saw a child beign forced to, regardless. They will still pick it up when they are older.

OverMyDeadBody · 28/05/2008 09:39

Yes, he MUST know that he can say no to touching and kissing that he doesn't want. That's a basic right surely?!

DarthVader · 28/05/2008 09:41

I think it is wrong to make children show signs of physical affection when they don't feel it or want to at any particular time.

I think it is OK to suggest "do you want to kiss Granny goodbye?" But if the answer is no then a wave will do.

Pinkjenny · 28/05/2008 09:42

That's absolutely horrendous that she was made to feel like she'd been naughty. Very insecure behaviour on their part, if you ask me.

windygalestoday · 28/05/2008 09:43

As a child I was put into unorthodox situations regarding behaviour like this as a result ive never been very demonstrative with other people in fact my dh and i have often snuck away from parties and stuff purely because i dont do kissing other people i have NEVER goone out on a new years eve because of this- many years later and im getting better but 17 years ago it was a genuine fear.

potoftea · 28/05/2008 09:44

When I read the title of this thread I thought "of course a child must be allowed to only touch/kiss people if he wants" etc.

But can see that if it's a cultural thing it's a lot more difficult, because it's not just a "rejection" of granny or grandad but bad manners too. Is there a compromise like shaking hands that would show respect to the grandparents but respect the child's bounderies? Or would blowing a kiss be enough to show the child isn't being disrespectful?

Original poster

Mavornia · 28/05/2008 09:47

Fillyjonk, that's part of the problem - they treat kids like toys/possessions

when my ds is with them they expect him to be like a performing monkey - they are constantly clicking/clapping/trying to get his attention - it's more like they want to be the centre of his world ratherthan him being the centre of theirs and they never allow him any down time, just to be quiet and play by himslef

I've obviously stepped in and am constantly repeating that he needs to play/be left alone/doesn't ike to much loud noise etc

I have to pick my battles with them but I certainly don't want them to start the whole "give me a kiss or I'll fall out with you" fiasco

OP posts:

Furball · 28/05/2008 09:48

My ds endured this until he was about 2, when he said to me - he didn't want to kiss nanny and grampy goodbye. So I just came out with it and said, you'll have to make do with a wave. They were fine about it. he's now 6 1/2 and still doesn't want to. I'm proud of the fact that he feels able to tell me this rather than just putting up with it.

Tommy · 28/05/2008 09:51

it's a tricky one isn't it? If our DSs don't wan to kiss someone, we turn it into a joke and say "I didn't want a kiss from you anyway" and they usually come running up and give whoever it is a kiss but I wouldn't force them if they really didn't want to.

I can see that your issue is a cultural one Mavornia but surely your ILs can understand that, at 2, children don't understand cultural sensibilities?

GooseyLoosey · 28/05/2008 09:59

I'm not sure that I agree with the rest of you. My children would cheerfully never go near my father as he has continence problems and smells. This is not his fault! They are the centre of his world and he has no other family so out of respect for him, they do have to give him a hug goodbye, as do I. It would break his heart if we did not.

Family comes with reciprocal obligations and it is not all about what makes the individual happy.

mybrainaches · 28/05/2008 09:59

DTS want to kiss everybody that leaves the house, ok usually but when its the window cleaner or the man reading the gas meter............

FluffyMummy123 · 28/05/2008 10:00

Message withdrawn

jingleyjen · 28/05/2008 10:04

We encourage the boys to give a kiss and a squeeze hug to relatives as they leave, DS1 has always known his own mind and frequently refuses. we don't push it but he knows we would like him to... you have made me think now.. not sure if what we are doing is the right thing but a hug for family members doesn't seem too much of an ask?

castille · 28/05/2008 10:22

We live in France where kisses are required to greet family. And I think it is important that children are taught from a young age to acknowlege a person's presence and greet them appropriately (with a kiss, a hug, a handshake, whatever is the norm where you are).

It is a basic social skill.

Original poster

Mavornia · 28/05/2008 10:24

mmm, potoftea, shaking hands/blowing kisses could work - good idea, thanks

sorry about typpos, ds clawing at my hands, will just go and put him down for a nap

OP posts:

FluffyMummy123 · 28/05/2008 10:25

Message withdrawn

GooseyLoosey · 28/05/2008 10:29

A hug for family members is not too much to ask and the world is even more mad than I thought if we are not allowed to require children to show a certain degree of respect towards family.

Yes my dcs do have their own likes and dislikes and I have said to them that that is fine, they do not have to love or like my father - I cannot and will not compel them to do that. They do however have to avoid breaking his heart by refusing to even give him a hug. Being sensitive to other people's needs and feelings is part of being in a family and something that the dcs need to learn. They are not the only ones with feelings and needs.

francagoestohollywood · 28/05/2008 10:39

Mavornia, I'm shocked by your inlaws behaviour !

Having said that, there must be a huge cultural difference in the way physical affection is perceived in the UK and the Middle East.
I am Italian and I do find English people quite "awkward", just as much as English people find me loud and overly gesticulating...

I do agree with castille about the importance to teach our children to acknowledge another person's presence.

cestlavie · 28/05/2008 10:39

To the extent that a kiss is as fundamental a part the culture and social manners as 'please' or 'thank you' is in the UK, it's hard to see why parents should not very much encourage it as a basic social skill. I'd be pretty staggered if most people on Mumsnet didn't, for example, try to ensure that their children said 'please' and 'thank you' - we certainly do.

On the other hand, that absolutely doesn't justify your in-laws behaving like petulant children themselves because your (very young) child hasn't learned these social skills yet.

purpleduck · 28/05/2008 10:47

sometimes being "shy" is just a child's personality - In adults it would be labelled as "reserved".

I do think its important to have good manners - acknowledge a person etc.

My mum likes to kiss the kids when she does see them (she's in canada). My kids REALLY don't like hugging/kissing people they don't know. I think thats fine.
I think my mum DOES sometimes get a bit hurt, but I tend to just say "she's just feeling a bit shy" or whatever. I would never force them.

GrimmaTheNome · 28/05/2008 10:59

I never liked being told to kiss people. I know my nephews looked quite grateful when I offered them a hand to shake instead.

Its probably a bit harder for a girl but can't you teach a boy to shake hands nicely?

If thats not culturally acceptable then I guess you'd better start giving him lessons on how to meet and greet family.

cmotdibbler · 28/05/2008 11:01

Its taken me years to get to grips with social kissing- not terribly keen on 'forced' physical contact. So I'd never force DS to kiss or hug anyone.

However, I always expect him to say hello and goodbye nicely, and am currently working on shaking hands. If appropriate I'll encourage him to hug/kiss, but no big deal.

wb · 28/05/2008 11:11

I agree with GooseyLoosey

snotbuster · 28/05/2008 11:26

I have this problem with DS's dad - my XP. He insists that DS kisses him every time they say goodbye to each other - and often kisses DS on the lips (which I think is wierd and vile personally). DS wriggles and squirms - looks very uncomfortable - and then sometimes offers a cheek to XP. If I say anything I'm accused of being cold and unaffectionate (I don't kiss my parents either as XP well knows!).
Would love to tell DS that it's ok to say no (and would do with anyone else) but it's his DAD and things are awkward enough between him and I, without making an issue out of this.

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