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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Forcing children to hug/kiss other adults

52 replies

Mavornia · 28/05/2008 09:34

Comments made by seeker and frannyandzoey on another thread made me remember how much I hate adults forcing children to give them hugs/kisses etc and now that my ds is 1 it's something I want to think about how to handle

my in-laws have actually "fallen out" with their other grandchild when she didn't want to kiss them - she's only 2 and she was forced to sit in the corner and made to say sorry and then give them all kisses while crying

I live in the middle east so I guess it's partly a cultural thing too here - you routinely go and kiss all family on both cheeks when arriving/leaving - my in-laws felt insulted when she didn't want to kiss them (though they are very stroppy and childish...)

however, i feel vey strongly that my ds is his own little person with his own likes and dislikes and inclinations

I suppose I'm after tips on managing my in-laws behaviour without them getting insulted and the best way to start telling my ds that he can say no

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

ManxMum · 28/05/2008 11:47

My sil always told her DD's to "Give so and so a kiss goodbye" It used to make my flesh crawl seeing this littlies HAVING to kiss people they didn't want too.

I always told my kids to SAY goodbye (2 x DS's)

I HATE it when a toddler is told to give me a kiss when they are covered in snot, dirt and dinner.

A simple, smiling "Goodbye" and a wave is sufficient.

DNiece's give me a kiss goodbye now, but they are teenagers!!

Elk · 28/05/2008 11:54

My eldest dd (now 5) used to absolutely hate touching anyone or being touched. Until she was nearly three even I counldn't sit with my arm round her, she would move away. Luckily both sets of GP's were great and never forced her. Then suddenly at three she became one of the huggiest children I know - but only to people she really knows well (mostly family).
It is really lovely to see her giving her GP's hugs and kisses whenever she sees them because she loves them and wants to do so. It has been worth waiting for this rather than forcing her.

(DD2 is another matter and would probably hug a burglar to death!)

Original poster

Mavornia · 28/05/2008 11:56

it's actually been really useful to hear from people who think that it's ok and should be encouraged, especially given the cultural norms here

I have so many issues with my in-laws that I'm perhaps guilty of having a knee-jek reaction over everything - in principle it's not such a big deal but their over-the-top reaction to everything sometimes blinds me

I shall encourage ds to give a kiss/hug when he sees them but I won't force it and if they start sulking/getting upset a polite reminder that he's only small and will come to them in his own good time might work. Shaking hands seems a good alternative too

thanks everyone

OP posts:

Thomcat · 28/05/2008 11:56

I think you need to say 'it's ok you don't have to kiss anyone if you'd rather not, but please say goodbye politely'

Therefore laying out that kissing someone isn't neccesery but good manners are.

JodieG1 · 28/05/2008 12:00

I think family should show repsect to children that don't want to hug/kiss them. They are the adults and there is no need to try to make a child feel guilty for not wanting to have bodily contact with another person, regardless of who they are.

Children should always be allowed to say no to any touches they don't want. After all, I wouldn't want to be forced to kiss or hug someone that I ddin't want to.

It's about basic respect for a child which people seem to forget about. It's all about children showing respect but adults need to be grown up about it and realise that it's not done to hurt them, I hate that attitude of trying to make people feel guilty. How manipulating.

GooseyLoosey · 28/05/2008 13:35

Actually Jodie, in my world view, adults can not say no to all "touches" that they don't want - I hug my father, I don't want to, we don't even really get on but I have no wish to hurt his feelings and it is a little thing for me to do which costs me nothing and gives him much. If my children cannot understand this then I would be disappointed. It is not about "basic respect" for children, it is about children having the same basic level of basic respect for others that they want themselves.

Gobbledigook · 28/05/2008 13:37

As long as mine come to the door and say goodbye that's good enough. There is no way I'd force them to hug or kiss anyone if they didn't want to.

JodieG1 · 28/05/2008 15:27

Adults cannot say no to all touches? What? Of course they can. I think that's just wrong personally. If I don't want to touch someone, then I don't and people have to understand and respect my wishes.

I look at it the other way around. Adults should show respect to children so that children know and realise what respect is, they are far more likely to respect adults that respect them and we're here to set them a good example.

I can't believe anyone would touch someone or let themselves be touched when they don't want to be, that doesn't sound very healthy imo.

All I expect from mine is politness and manners, so they will say goodbye and the choice to hug/kiss is up to them.

GooseyLoosey · 28/05/2008 15:33

Offering affection to a close family member who very much needs it is a form of respect. I do not like my father but he needs me and has done me no harm. I do actually believe in old fashioned concepts like duty to family (up to a point) and I hope my dcs grow up to feel the same. Sometimes there are more important things than free will.

JodieG1 · 28/05/2008 15:36

I don't believe in family "duty" thankfully. Anyone that loved you wouldn't guilt you into making you hug or kiss them, in fact, they would rather you didn't if you truely didn't want to in my opinion.

I cannot imagine doing that to my children when they are older. I would hate to think of them hugging me out of any mistaken "duty", I would far rather than actually wanted to hug me or simply said goodbye.

JodieG1 · 28/05/2008 15:39

Oh and it's not about free will either, it's about feeling able to express yourself as you see fit and not being forced into anything. I find that very manipulative and also it's also quite deceiving to the person you are hugging.

I'd rather not lie about my feeling, I am honest and open and much prefer it that way.

claireybee · 28/05/2008 15:46

I say to dd to "give x a kiss" when saying goodbye (only close friends/family)but if she doesn't want to then I don't force it. I used to HATE having to kiss relatives hello and goodbye when I was little so would never make an issue of it for her. Have actually had words with DH about this too because if DD says no or just ignores us when we ask her to kiss someone he'll pick her up and try to force her to and I don't agree with that. Luckily she is a very affectionate person so it is rare she doesn't want to kiss someone anyway

GooseyLoosey · 28/05/2008 15:48

Duty to family in my world does not arise out of a sense of guilt but responsibility and ultimately love. My father does not know of the conversations I have had with the dcs and I can assure you that he is much happier with the situation as it is than he would be if we were all "honest". Honesty can be vastly overrated and ultimately selfish at times.

Still I accept that we have very different views on this and are unlikely ever to agree.

colacubes · 28/05/2008 15:49

Had this the other day, dp told dd to go and sit with a friend of his who had called round, dd seen him once or twice (she was not best pleased, only 2.3yrs). I quickly averted dd, and later told dp,I dont want my kids to sit or touch or kiss any adult, not a good ideal to have IMO.

They should choose who they want to hold hand with or talk to, like we do.

Tortington · 28/05/2008 15:49

i think this is being over fannyised -seriously.

kissing granny - is for granny not for the kid.

kiss granny and lump it - it makes granny happy

thats life

JodieG1 · 28/05/2008 15:52

We'll agree to disagree then as I think it's selfish to force a child to kiss anyone they don't want to.

bubblagirl · 28/05/2008 15:52

we felt that we had to get ds to kiss family members and felt rude if he didnt

we didnt want to hurt peoples feelings

we found with the men shaking there hands went down well and he doesnt mind kissing the ladies but we leave it until he feels comfortable normally when we leave he'll do hand shakes and kisses

but doesnt feel comfortable on way in but we dont always kiss family members on way in but do on way out so probably gets that from us anyway

i dont think children should be forced but i do think its important to have some level of affection with family just to recognise that they are special for there sake as well as ds

but if he is having off day everyone understands and he'll blow kisses instead

JodieG1 · 28/05/2008 15:53

Oh and in my family we love each other but don't feel the need to show that falsely but giving hugs and kisses we don't really want to give.

I hug and kiss my dc's and dh a lot but if my children don't want to at any time they don't have to, that has never happened but they know they can say no.

GooseyLoosey · 28/05/2008 15:58

Well said Custardo. I shall stop gazing at my own navel and leave this thread alone now.

cory · 28/05/2008 15:59

When I was small and growing up in Sweden, the cultural norm was for girls to curtsey to their elders and boys to bow. This was actually quite an easy solution for shy children, as it did not involve close bodily contact and you could still demonstrate politeness even if you were too shy to force yourself to speak. Shame it died out, really.
In England there is greater emphasis on children to express politeness verbally from an early age, which can also be hard on a shy child. I found myself treading some sort of middle road- wanting to respect my dc's needs, but at the same time feeling I ought to make them conform to cultural norms, even the ones that felt awkward and strange to me.
Don't think there's an easy solution really.

MadamePlatypus · 28/05/2008 16:09

Almost worse: "Give your sister a big kiss, ahh isn't that nice, aren't you a good boy". yuck, yuck, yuck!

Having said that, I accept that it is a cultural thing. I think in a culture where kissing is a normal way of greeting somebody, not kissing is probably the equivalent of not saying please or thank you.

Having said that, I don't force my children to say please or thank you either. I just expect them to copy the behaviour of the adults around them. If children hear please and thank you it just becomes part of their normal pattern of speech. I would imagine that your son will just pick up kissing in the same way that my daughter waves bye bye. I certainly think you have the right to decide your own policy on 'punishments', and maybe this is a bigger issue - did your niece's parent's agree with her treatment?

orangina · 28/05/2008 16:20

I always felt it was important that children shouldn't ever have to touch/kiss anyone they didn't want to (it's their body, their choice etc). Politeness important, please and thank you, perhaps just saying hello or goodbye to granny, responding to their questions etc.
But where do you draw the line between "you MUST kiss granny/grandpa/aunt/uncle" and someone saying "give me a kiss/touch me here"? They need to have the right not say no if they don't want to do it.

TinkerbellesMum · 28/05/2008 16:55

Young children don't have the understanding an adult does so I think the adult needs to understand that. As has already been said, it's for the adult and with some people being forced to kiss people can stay with them for a long time.

I think better manners are respecting someones personal space. Please, thank you etc are manners, not kissing.

Tink is a very affectionate and loves her hugs and kisses. Sometimes I will say "give Auntie a kiss" she will say no but hold her chin down and put the back of her hands on her neck - it's preparation for her neck getting eaten for saying no. Sometimes she holds me and shakes her head and we know not to push it. We're like that as a family though, all hugs and kisses. My sister and I chase our brothers kids down for hugs and kisses, but there are times when they don't want/to give them and we know not to push it. The kids all love my daughter so she gets covered in kisses when we see them, she will walk around with her arms around the boys and they hold her too. They find it hysterical when they fall over!

onwardandupward · 28/05/2008 18:24

I'm with all the don't-force-it commentators, but wanted to add that I was talking to a grandfather recently, and he was talking about how his grandchild had been a very don't-touch-me, mummy-only baby and toddler, but when the gtandchild reached about 4 or 5, they suddenly started spontaneously snuggling up for stories or hugs, and how he was moved to tears by the trust this child has in him and the love the child has for him.

You can't force that kind of glorious interaction by making your child hug people on your agenda or that of the other people.

Fillyjonk · 29/05/2008 08:32

onwards is very right

an understanding gp who doesn't force the issue will reap the benefits.

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