how to tackle the issue of 'strangers' with 4 year old

[MaziJ]

My ds is due to start school this sept. He's 4 in August. He's always been very friendly and confident with adults and as yet we haven't tackled the issue of strangers with him. Partly because we don't want him to lose his innocence I guess, partly because he's also quite a sensitive little fellow and I don't want to scare him. But we probably do need to raise this with him now, esp before he starts school. Has anyone got any thoughts on how to do this sensitively and maybe are there any books out there (fiction for little ones I mean) that might help?

The strange ones won't necessarily be strangers, i.e. unknown to him...

I haven't even broached this subject with my DSs (6 and 4.9) yet. They never go anywhere without me or another adult so I haven't seen the need yet. I don't want to frighten them unneccessarily

I did this first by rasining the issue of what they should do if they got separated from me in a shop etc, as realistically they dont go wandering about on their own so this is probably the only way they would be at risk at the moment.
I addressed the thing about stranger more about talking about people/situations that would be safe, rather than "strangers" as has been said, maybe not everyone they know is safe.

Got to say I'm a bit iffy about the issue of strangers. I've never thought it was right to tell my son not to speak to strangers when he sees me chatting to everyone I meet on the bus, at the post office etc etc. Every single person I know started off as a stranger, and most of my friends are people I met on the internet, so I think it's wrong to have a blanket rule on strangers, and gives mixed messages if you do it yourself (and we all do).

However, I have taught him from a very early age about appropriate ways of talking to strangers and people you know well, and about who would be the safest person to approach if he got separated from me in a shop, ie staff. I'd hate to think of him stuck somewhere just because he stuck like glue to the rule that he wasn't to talk to a stranger, rather than find someone to help him in an appropriate way.

tommy you'll prob find that your 6 yr old has been told a little bit about it at school by now - the police come in to give the talk to our P2's (yr1) every year

I have told my 4 year old not to run off as she might get eaten by a lion. And that if she does get lost then to tell another Mommy with a buggy as Mommy's can find each other.

I don't believe in teaching children about stranger danger, and you really can't expect a four year old to understand it or act in it. this book makes some excellent points, I Think 64.233.169.104/search?q=cache:u-I-GLUc7soJ:www.saferchild.org/gavindeb.htm+Gavin+De+Becker+strangers &hl=en&ct=clnk&cd=1&gl=uk
At school he will be looked after very carefully. I think it would be more worthwhile to teach him his name, address and phone number and if he does get lost, ask a mummy to help him.

Or a 'shop lady'. But mostly it's our job to watch the little blighters.

I was once in the toilet's in John Lewis and this awful woman was telling her daughter not to come out of the toilet stall until she did because 'there are people here who will take you' I was the only other person there and I didn't want a 7 year old girl thankyou very much. Not only was I a bit offended but I felt so sorry for that poor child growing up thinking that there are people who will take you.

I know this is not at all what you are doing MaziJ, I just remembered it and am trying to put off emptying the washing machine.

You're joking about th lion right savoy!

MaziJ I don't think your DS is in any more danger of encountering 'dangerous' strangers just because he is starting school. What I've done with DS is drilled him on what to do if he gets lost. Find a lady with a poushchair or children, or a security gaurd, and tell them, and don't move around too much, so stay in the shop where you are lost etc. Mind you, on the 4 occasions DS has been seperated from me he hasn't told anyone. He is seletively mute and doesn't talk to strangers anyway

A lion could eat her. Technically.

lol yes but isn't that just as bad as the woman in the john lewis loos scaring her child with threats that there are people who take you?

Being eaten by a lion is a pretty scary thought for a 4 year old I'd imagine.

OK, I get what the link is on about, but what should I be teaching ds (age 4)? Have explained about asking a mummy with children/someone serving in a shop/a police man for help if he's lost and he knows his name, address, phone number - anything else?

She doesn't seem bothered and I would rather she was scared of lions than people! It's from Cautionary Tales for Children by Hilaire Belloc where Jonny strays from his nurse and is eaten by a lion. I don't think she thinks that she will get eaten by a lion in IKEA.

He should know your name. Not Mummy.

What I said to mine was that if they got lost to go into a shop and talk to the lady behind the counter, or to go up to a mummy with children with her because they would be the best people to help them. I also taught them to parrot my mobile phone number as soon as they could talk. I see no need to mention stranger danger - partly because I don't really think it exists, but also because. even if it does, I don't think it's a concept that they can understand.

A REALLY important lesson, though, and one that should start as soon as possible, is that it's always OK to tell mummy somebosy else's secret -telling mummy is not the same as breaking a secret and nothing bad will happen to them if they tell you.(You'll never get a surprise birthday present again, but hey ho.) And they never have to kiss or cuddle anyone they don't want to (even if this is embarassing for you) not even granny. And that it's OK to say NO to grown ups. But this isn't a "talk" you should have with him - it's a way of life.

yes make sure he knows your name and mob number.

Agree with what seeker said too, those are very good points.

Yes I have done that too seeker. And told her that she does not always have to do what an adult tells her but it is really tricky. I wouldn't worry about 'strangers' at school though as schools are safe places.

a good tip is to teach them to shout " this is not my mummy" or "this is not my daddy"

becuase no-one really reacts to a screaming kid

You do know that they will definitely, without a doubt, I promise you, shout I don't know you, YOU'RE NOT MY MUMMY!!! When in a strop and you're trying to manhandle them into the car.

I was going to start this exact same thread. My DSs are 5 and 3 (nearly 6 and 4) and I'm wondering if this is the right time.

I agree

teach them what to do if lost
where it is ok to be touched and which parts of the body are private
that you can always tell Mummy any secrets
and that it is ok to tell someone to STOP touching you or kissing you if you don't like it

basically that their bodies belong to THEM and no-one else should do stuff to them that they don't want

Thanks all this is really good advice . I guess I'm not sure about the whole 'stranger' concept either which is partly why we haven't gone down that route already. I think I'm prob going to focus on specifics like Seeker said, like what to do if lost, etc - seems easier for him to remember rather than some hard to grasp concept. The link's really good MsDemeanor - thanks for that. Someone mentioned to me that they get a talk at school so that's probably what made me start wondering if now's the right time.