DS - 5yo - REALLY doesn't want to go to school.... have you been there?

[velcrobott]

Well the title says it all... DS is in Reception... up until Christmas he LOVED going to school now it is a battle. I have to insist and bribe with things like you can go to X's birthday party if you go to school. I have also said (when at the end of mt tether) .... fine come back home but we arenot playing at home and I am not taking you swimming next week.... (which I was prepared to carry through).
School's headmistress rang today. Said DS seems to play with no one when in playground.... before Christmas he was the star of the class and had friends now he seems friendless though teacher said that was not true and certainly his work hasn't been singled out as much (though that is fine with me as I don't want him to get too big an ego).....
He is a very outgoing little boy, oldest in his class. I think he is isolating himself because maybe he is like me... if you don't all love me than no one loves me - type of childish behaviour

Any thoughts ?

I think the school could be more helpful in trying to isolate what has happened....could you arrange other children to come to your house for tea so you get to see how he plays with his mates?

He went to a birthday party on Saturday and DH stayed (I was working) and he said DS behaved well.
This afternoon one of his friends (X) actually bit him on the playground (to me this isn't a big deal though the child's mother was quite upset). When I walked in his class the first thing he said was "can I go and play at X's house?".... so clearly not traumatised. Now X came to our house as his mum didn't seem keen to have DS at her house today (maybe she was still upset by the biting incident).
Of course we are going to monitor the situation. Thansk

Anyone else ?

bump

ds is 4 in R and has told me school is stupid and he doesnt want to go, although he doesnt want to go to childminder or his fathers either.. he has been bullied at childminder by 2 nine year old boys which i hope is now resolved. Tbh tho i think ds reasons are undertandable considering home situation here.

Tbh i dont really know how to handle this situation either except by being positive about school in general and by making sure i listen to him more and talk less and provide comfort and love.

My 4yr old girl spent a long time settling in - and even now, still walks around the playground at lunchtime holding hands with teachers instead of playing (although she is happy to go now). The thing that helped her was having a secret 'something' of mine that she could hold and look at - either a hanky (or a little plastic guardian angel toy captured her imagination). I gave her a present for every 5 'happy days' she went to school, and 'a big hug that lasts all day' when we say goodbye. At night, I ask her to tell me the best thing that happened at school all day, and it focuses her on the good stuff. We still have night time talks about things that she didn't like that happene too, to get it off her chest.

All quite girly - but maybe you could adapt something from this.

She also gets special mummy time on school days that she doesn't get at the weekend (like reading books or a particular game).

gg - thanks for that. I think i will follow that advice re special thing to take to school and also to take to his daddy's. Wish I had already thought of it cos wont have him now for 11 nights and missing him so much.

Yes, I've had this all year with 5 yr old ds.

Mind you, he doesn't start proper school until September, when he'll start Year 1. He's still in a sort of nursery situation, which I think he's outgrown, even though he's in the "reception" class there.

I handled his reluctance by going with it. I decreased his days from full-days to half days and decided to home school him, informally, in the afternoons. We went to museums or movies or stayed home and did work books or practiced letters or read. I figured he'd be in school forever, so I might as well give him a little break right now. This term he goes 2 full days a week and 3 half days. In the summer I'll up it to 5 full days, as recommended by the principal.

I just think too much is expected of them at too young an age. In the US, where I come from, even Year 1 (kindergarten) is not a full day, let alone reception (preschool).

This was one battle I was willing to give in to, because, IMO, ds was right.

My way of handling probably won't be an option for you, velcrobott, by I mention it anyway.

expat - wish i could

Awen - I moan on about having my dd around after school - but you've made me really appreciate what I have. Sorry your son won't be with you - that must be really hard. Cos of you I'm going to make sure I'm REALLY nice to her - just for going to school so well. Since she's not complained, I take it for granted and just yell at her all morning now. You've made me remember the effort she made to get where we are today.
Good luck when you get him home - it WILL get better...

Thanks... very useful... I always wanted to home educate,.... so your post strikes a cord with me Expatkat.... will see how things evolve but would be very happy if I could take him out of schools for afternoons..... will think about it. Thank you

thanks gg for your post. Velcrobott - hope you manage to sort it all out.

IMH I agree with expatkat and think that little ones are started too young full time.

When i dropping off at school there was a mum there who says she cant wait for mondays and that having her ds was a big accident. Thing is her ds comes out of school with biggest grin for his mum cos he has taken a while to settle and is so pleased when he gets good stickers. Poor thing.

Expatkat, where are you? It sounds like an extremely enlightened school/ LEA which could cope with such a flexible arrangement.

VB, I agree with others, that you really need to find out exactly what happened to change your DS's view of school. My DS was really happy in reception, and now doesn't really like Year 1, but that was because there is a massive, sudden jump in formalisation and expectation between reception and Yr 1. Your DS hasn't had anything different happen in terms of school routine (or has he?) so whatever's putting him off sounds like something very specific.

Caligula: London. A private montessori nursery where ds has been since he was 2. Yes, they're pretty enlightened and basically non-stuffy. There's a better school up the road, but it's too regimented for me (probably good for the kids, though) and I think I'd go mad as a parent there. They'd never have agreed to this, I suspect, or to the fact that I regularly up and take the kids out of school for weeks or even months when I have to be in the US for blocks of time.

(I won't be able to do this once ds starts "real" school, so I'm taking advantage of the relative freedom we have right now.)