I always do like your posts, Issy!
I think one has to accept that people have different personalities. The OP mentioned that she and her partner argue quite a bit. Now I would think that perfectly dreadful because it doesn't happen in my house- dh and I usually resolve our difficulties by laughing together. No, seriously folks, I'm trying to get something across here. Which is that dh and I aren't actually forcing ourselves to follow some wonderful system, because we're such clever people; it just so happens that this comes naturally to us, because we're fairly laidback people. It's a question of personality - and of personal chemistry.
Dd, on the other hand, was very temperamental when she was little and still is more of a drama queen than either of us. In fact, she reminds me of my Mum, who (though lovely) is much more of a foot-stamping door-slamming person. It's a question of personality.
What I have tended to do is to insist (calmly) on the rules being followed but ignore any attendant stroppiness. The result has been good: we have a good relationship, and these days we can usually laugh together at her dramatic tendencies.
I am not a great one for escalating punishments at the best of times, nor sticker charts either; I want a system that allows all unpleasantness to be put away and forgotten at the end of the day.
Funnily enough ds, who was a beautifully docile and compliant child until age 7, has now entered a stroppy phase. Nothing to do with our parenting methods, I'm sure; but we're trying to deal with him in the same way.
Another thing is, we have always stressed the demarcation between public and private, explaining that you can show your feelings at home, but not necessarily in front of other people. Neither dd or ds has ever been in trouble at school, and teachers always speak of how lovely they are.