aggressive behavior

[jue13]

i have a 2yr boy who gets so violent it is very scary he seems to be on another planet when having these tantrum , he had a bad one tonight just because he had to come in to get a bath ready for bed, i am running out of ideas to stop then being so bad.

I wonder if a lot of the problem does not lie in your being upset about his tantrums- his behavour is perfectly natural.

But if he sees you being worried, it may take longer before they stop. IME the best approach is the nanny-approach: perfectly calm and unconcerned and trying to look a little bored. The idea you want to project is : 'Yes, dear, I can see that you are tantrumming, but I'm afraid we're going to do things my way, anyway.'

Think about it- how much harm can he actually do to you? He's only little and you can leave him to it or restrain him, as seems best. Just remove anything that can be damaged, or remove him.

If you worry about him being naturally aggressive or growing up violent- forget about it! Two-year-old tantrums are a natural stage of development of people who then grow up into caring and responsible citizens.

If you feel embarrassed in front of other people- again, forget about it! They've been there! But you can make things easier for them by not getting flustered yourself. A tantrumming adult worries and embarrasses most people. A tantrumming 2yo with a confident adult in charge makes little impression.

In what way is he violent?

he throws things at you or his siblings, he kicks, hits , pinches, bites, you name it he does it but what worries me and my husband is what he does to himself for instence he will scratch himself in the face or throw himself backwards to hit his head on the floor but the most alarming yet is he headbuts the wall in his temper, but last night he totaly lost controll and ended up throthing at the mouth and it frightend us both, and i had to hold him in the chair to calm him down

I know it seems as if something must be really wrong, but believe me 99% of kids have these alarming tantrums. You look at them and think they actually might need sectioning but as cory says it is totally normal and nothing to get in a twist about. I know it's horrible and even quite scary but it is a phase, it will pass and it does NOT mean that your child will have anger or violence problems; ALL it means is that your child is 2.

I found with my ds when he had real tantrums, that being with him just fed his anger and made it worse. Every child is different I guess and you will have to experiment to see what works best, but I found giving him literally just a minute or two in his room alone, kind of broke the cycle for him.

And don't put pressure on yourself; you cannot actually STOP the tantrum FOR him, only he can do that.

I also made a point of telling ds that I felt sorry for him and I really think this helps. It's good they know you love them, and feel for them, even when they are being unreasonable in this way, IMO, because it's not conscious bad behaviour, it's simply them learning to govern their strong feelings.

Good point, Honoria, about only him being able to stop the tantrum. That was a big turning point for me not getting wound-up by the screaming. With my first dc I just wanted to stop the screaming but knew that I should not give in to her which seemed an impossible situation. With dc3 who is now 2 and giving it her best I just let her go for it (maybe putting her somewhere safe where she can't bite me or whatever in the meantime) then when she stops I would calmly say something like "Once you've had your bath we can have a story."

Good Luck - it gets better by about 5!