Is there something 'wrong' with him?

[SanAndreas]

Please help!

My ds is almost 9 and has always been quite a character. I would describe him as lively and quite boisterous, really a typical lad i suppose.

I would say we have spoilt him a lot really and perhaps not always been consistent with discipline, although we are not complete pushovers.

Generally, at home he is fine, although we do tend to have to repeat ourselves when asking him to do things. Its almost that he does stuff we he fancies it rather than when we tell him sometimes.

The main problem though is school. Lately he has been repeatedly in trouble for certain things. Mainly being slightly disruptive as in talking in class and having to be separated. We have not been unduly worried about this. Also he seems to be hanging around with a couple of trouble makers and doing stuff he shouldnt, calling kids names, wandering into the infant playground, chucking paper towels around the loo etc. Again, i wouldnt be that worried, except for the fact he has been called into see the head teacher almost every wk. We go through his silly behaviour and how we are not happy and that he must stay out of trouble only for him to do the same thing within a few days.

Im at my wits end. We ahve taken almost everything off him. TV etc and it doesnt seem to be sinking in. Im also aware that he will soon have nothing left to work towards as he has no sigans of getting stuff back

The final straw was last wk when the head said maybe i should see the GP TO rule out a behaviour problem as he does not seem to be learning from his mistakes at all.

This has really upset me. Does anyone have any thoughts. Does he sound like he is is being naughty or have a problem. It really is making me feel ill as i always though he was just a very silly boy, nothing more.

I don't think she wants the other children to start saying, why is x helping all the time?

All kids love to help the teacher and she probably would think it is not fair on the others.

Juule i have cried a couple of times recently(especially afer the head called us in to discuss maybe seeing the GP) and my DP said this is making mummy sad.

He promises that he will be good but he doesnt.

I feel torn. I keep thinking maybe he cant help help it. Then other days i think he just doesnt give a shit, which sounds daft i know.

Ive asked him if he forgets or if he cant help what he does and he assures me he can help it. In which case i tell him that that is very naughty behaviour.

I am going to bed now, but I wish you good luck SanAndreas.

Thanks bella

I suppose i will just have to see what another school wk brings

that should be !

Has anyone else got any suggestions for me please?

Yes i have done that! We do it all the time! But how do i really crack down?

He has had virtually everything taken off him, apart from giving him a bloody good hiding, what else can we do?

That sounds good about sitting in the class, he would be mortified.

Weve tried promising things he loves.Doesnt work either. He is always asking for things. Today when we went shopping he saw a poster for an exhibition at a museum and asked if he could go. I replied in the usual way by saying of course he could as it sounded great, if there was an improvment in his behaviour and it was down to him, not me. He just says 'Yes, i will be good, i promise'. He is for about a day.I tell him its not long enough and he goes 'Yeah i know, im never gonna get my treats back '. I always reply that its down to him, not me and there is nothing id love more than to give him nice things.What else can i say?

I am worried about things he does, i just think some things are silly kids stuff like throwing stones etc and i wouldnt be especially worried normally that there is a problem. Its just given the current sitaution he should be keeping his head down.

Ive drawn up a reward chart tonight while he has been in bed which im starting tomorrow.

Smiley faces for good behaviour am and pm and a full wk equals a treat he can choose.

I hate to be negative, but he wont make a full wk, i know it, although i wont say that.

Yes it is a big deal, but what i mean is that if it was just that i wouldnt be terribly worried or think he had a behvioural problem.i would think he was just being stupid.

School, apart from pulling me in, have seated him on a separate table(which doesnt seem to worry him) and sometimes he is kept it at break or lunch

No they dont do that. They do get merits for good behaviour and work etc.

The thing i struggle with is feeling powerless to control his behaviour at school. It dopesnt matter what i say or do before he goes i just dont know how he is going to behave when im not there.

I think a week of smiley faces AM and PM is too much. he'll never get there, so the chart will soon feel meaningless. Can you reward him after each day? Imagine how long a week is when you're 9 y/o...!

From what you've said, it really sounds like you're being both too gentle and too firm. He should have his stuff confiscated for 24 hours, not longer. Any longer than that, it's like his stuff has vanished and he loses motivation.

He needs to see ongoing proof that good behaviour equals nice stuff, and bad equals bad. But quickly. Quick rewards that add up.

I do feel for you I agree with beautiful that a week is a long time for a 9 year old and maybe a daily reward system would be better.

The school sounds a bit useless TBH. Can they get you an appointment with an ed psych or a behaviour specialist?

If he's fine at home then I'd be interested to know what's happening in school and why he's acting/reacting the way he is. I agree with the mmj who said arrange to sit in class with him if possible. I also agree with Beautiful that a week of smilies might seem a mountain to climb.

Thanks.

I agree with the daily rewards. hAVE said if he gets smiley faces today he can watch a film later.

I wouldnt say he was fine at home really. He isnt terrible. He just has a tendency to muck about.

For instance if i ask him to get dressed he will often ignore me and go and do something else instead. Not always but quite often. Its almost as though he just does stuff when he feels like it

Sounds to me as if your son has become the naughty one in the eyes of the school and therefore, to some extent, in his own eyes, and in your eyes as well. That has become a defining part of his persona, so that when someone else does a particular thing which might be termed a bit silly, it is seen as naughty. And when he does something outside the boundaries of acceptable social behaviour at school, it's immediately picked up on and seen by all as further confirmation of his badness.

You say he's ok at home.

In your situation, I'd be finding a way to help your son learn about socially acceptable behaviour in different situations in a non-punitive and hands on way and without him being "the naughty one", and that probably requires him to leave that school, and whether he then goes straight to another school, or stays with you at home till the autumn and has a fresh start at a new school with the new school year, or whether you shift across to home edding for a year or two until you've all recovered, I don't know.

But it sounds to me as if that school in particular, and maybe the school sitaution in general, is not something which is suiting your son at the moment.

Oh, and ps, I'd be reading Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting as a matter of urgency.

Excellent advice from onwardandupward.

I dont have a problem controlling him or anything, its just like i said he mucks about. Its just he needs telling lots of times to do stuff even if i stress the importance that we will late etc if he doesnt get dressed. I know a lot of kids do things like this though.

An example could be that i will say lets get dressed, brush teeth etc and go to the park If we dont leave now we wont be able to go. HE will get ready in his own time really and say oh im ready now. Then i will remind him that it had to be quick or we wouldnt be able to go. He doesnt seem to get it that we are the boss and hes the kid. I think thats just spoilt behaviour though.