Is there something 'wrong' with him?

[SanAndreas]

Please help!

My ds is almost 9 and has always been quite a character. I would describe him as lively and quite boisterous, really a typical lad i suppose.

I would say we have spoilt him a lot really and perhaps not always been consistent with discipline, although we are not complete pushovers.

Generally, at home he is fine, although we do tend to have to repeat ourselves when asking him to do things. Its almost that he does stuff we he fancies it rather than when we tell him sometimes.

The main problem though is school. Lately he has been repeatedly in trouble for certain things. Mainly being slightly disruptive as in talking in class and having to be separated. We have not been unduly worried about this. Also he seems to be hanging around with a couple of trouble makers and doing stuff he shouldnt, calling kids names, wandering into the infant playground, chucking paper towels around the loo etc. Again, i wouldnt be that worried, except for the fact he has been called into see the head teacher almost every wk. We go through his silly behaviour and how we are not happy and that he must stay out of trouble only for him to do the same thing within a few days.

Im at my wits end. We ahve taken almost everything off him. TV etc and it doesnt seem to be sinking in. Im also aware that he will soon have nothing left to work towards as he has no sigans of getting stuff back

The final straw was last wk when the head said maybe i should see the GP TO rule out a behaviour problem as he does not seem to be learning from his mistakes at all.

This has really upset me. Does anyone have any thoughts. Does he sound like he is is being naughty or have a problem. It really is making me feel ill as i always though he was just a very silly boy, nothing more.

He sounds like a silly boy tbh. How smart is he? Is he bored? Is he being challenged at school? alot of it sounds like boredom, as well as getting in with the wrong crowd.

I think it would be useful to show him that you are on his side - still punish him, there needs to be consequences. But if you have an inkling that he is not being challenged, then you shoudl support him by pushing the school to challenge him apprpriately.

And regarding seeing the GP to rule out behaviour problems - that just seems to be the answer to everything today. Oh, he's misbehaving, so you should see the GP in case he has some obscurely named, recently created syndrome of some sort. It might be worth talking to some other mums of 9 year olds in RL to understand how he compares - then take it from there. It is true that often parents are in denial about something that is right in front of them. But I also think that schools often like to blame the parents or the child for their (inevitable) shortfalls.

Good luck - and keep the positives with him. all negative will indeed end up with a spiral into, 'why bother behaving - it makes no difference anyway' from him

Not sure if it's a 'problem' but from the things you have said I feel that it's not surprising that he is a bit wild.
First off, I really don't get the 'typical lad' thing. Boy or girl sometimes they need telling that some things are not good behaviour.
Aswell, why are you not 'unduly worried' about him being disruptive in class to the point he keeps being separated? Why are you not worried about him "hanging around with a couple of trouble makers and doing stuff he shouldnt, calling kids names, wandering into the infant playground, chucking paper towels around the loo etc" I would be. Stop taking stuff off him. Find out why he is doing what he does. Talk to the school. They must have some ideas. I would really be on at him to find out what's going on and what he thinks he's doing behaving like this. I would also emphasise that education is for his sake not anyone else's. I would also find out if he is being bullied that he thinks he has to act the big guy.
At 9 it might be a bit more than being a 'silly boy' and needs sorting out now.

SanAndreas - you could be talking about my 8yr old DS2.

He has come home on Friday with a behaviour record card, which we have to sign daily. He was sent to the Head on Friday for going through all his chances with his teacher. For morning and afternoon lessons they have to put a comment on how he behaved. After the telling off from the Head his lessons went well, in the afteroon assembly he spoilt himself by talking.

He does things like whistling in class when the teacher is talking. We said to him he should be listening. His answer was I can do both at the same time!

I will watch this thread with interest.

I am a bit concerned that you said several times that you weren't worried about his bad behaviour at school - almost as if you were condoning it(forgive me if I'm wrong) But he's not a baby, and you really need to back the school up on this. It doesnt' sound as if there's anything "wrong" with him, but it does sound as if you need to be a bit firmer and more consistent.

You're not that worried by him throwing paper towels around and going into the infant playground??
I think that's the answer to your problems as I'd be very worried if my kids were behaving like that!

Thanks potpourri.

My dp thinks the same as you about the GP, that its easy to blame a behaviour problem these days. I was so mad last wk though after his latest problem at school that i was all for marching him in to see the doctor.

I dont know what to do though. I dont want him to think that it isnt even worth behaving anymore.
Every day i say gently 'Please
stay out of trouble at school' etc., only to get a phone call at the end of the day. One of the other parents is involved cos my ds has been calling him names and i feel like everyone is talking about us!

He is bright, i think so anyway, but doesnt always apply himself. He is probably just an average student i suppose, but he is so easily distracted.

i have ocassionally wondered myself if he has a problem cos he has a tendency to mess about something rotten, but he can be lovely and often very grown up and sensible. Could he do this if he had a behaviour problem and be able to sometimes act 'normal'?

Bellavita, I think I would have said well you might be able to do both at the same time but the other children in the class can't concentrate on what the teacher is saying and the teacher finds it difficult to teach while you are doing that so stop doing it.

Juuule - those were our very words.

He is a very bright boy and always eager to help but does not know when to stop with the behaviour. Unfortunately, one small thing that happens earlier on in the week will set the pattern for the rest of it.

We are not happy with our sons behaviour or attitude.

No im sorry that i came across that i didnt care about him being disruptive in class etc.

I do care. When he first did these things i was mortified but i kept excusing the behaviour of that of a silly boy showing off or being boisterous. The teachers have told me that he is never cheeky towards them, just constantly larking about. However, now im worried that all that silly stuff was something more serious.

The school are watching him carefully and informing us. I was upset when i heard he was sitting on his own an asked him to try and be sensible and get back on a table with his friends. He said he would, but that he didnt mind sitting on his own as he was not really alone as his mates were still quite close on the next table!

Bella, as for the whistling, that sounds like something my ds would say.

We talk reasonably about these issues all the time but nothing has cahnged really. If i dont take stuff off him then how the hell do i punish him for this behaviour??

How you are with him at home re discipline sets the scene for how he is at school and elsewhere. You aren't doing him any favours by not being consistent with discipline and by spoiling him. He very probably is picking up the message that you are not that bothered about his 'silly' behaviour, as he is 'just being a lad'.

It would be a good start for you and your husband to think about how you can improve his behaviour and your responses to it at home, and then consult the school to find out how you can back them up 100%. If you don't get this sorted now he is going to end up being The Wrong Crowd and you don't want that for him

He does similar things out of school. Its almost like he has no fear of authority as i would have been frightened to death if i had seen the head teacher at that age. He has cried a couple of times when we have gone to see her, but how bothered is he if he does the same thing the next wk?

I keep toying with the behaviour problem but could he switch it off and on like he does?

I doubt it, but you could ask for an assessment and if he didn't have a problem they would say so.

Provincial Lady

We are desperately trying to control things before they get out of hand but we are struggling really on how to deal with it when we have yet another report of bad behviour at school.

We have a good routine at home. He does his homework after school, we watch telly have dinner and a bath and go to bed at a reasonable time and he sleeps well.

He goes to school and i discuss with him about being sensible, staying away from silly boys and apying attention etc.

I encourage him with the promise of nice things and his privileges back, only to find at the end of the wk he has been involved in something else. Its usually something quite minor, but given the situation he is in and the reputation he has it really is quite unbelieveable that he has done something else.

We keep having lengthy conversations(all 3 of us) to no avail. How the hell do i punish him when i get yet another bad report from school?

So far he has his electronic games taken off him, tv etc, with the promise he have them back for a short while at the weekend if he is good. We never get that far. So far he hasnt had his new XBOX back properly since January.

TheProvincial - we asked for an assessment and were told there was nothing wrong with him, basically she said he found some of the lessons boring.

When he was in Yr1 we had a terrible year, everyday when the door opened I was beckoned over to be told he has been fidgeting today can you deal with it,yada yada yada. It got to the point where I dreaded going to school for him.

We had meetings with the head and we asked if someone could go in and observe - which the school did arrange.

The assessor was really helpful and proposed putting things into place that would help the teacher and us.

Yr2 he had a fantastic year - his teacher was so supportive of him - understood that the school were perhaps trying to pigeon hole him and he was his own person - never had a wrong word said about him.

Yr3 his teacher is lovely but obviously has her own methods of dealing with things which I can understand. She has expressed her concerns over a couple of things and she has asked us if it is ok to get him extra help through the day.

If you are/were getting a call everyday from the school about his behaviour then I think you should be concerned reall
Have no advice other than find out what is meant by 'getting extra help through the day'.

Don't punish him. Get his trust in you back. He now knows that you could take away everything he has. It's not working. See whether being understanding helps. It might take a while. Be concerned and keep asking him why he's doing what he's doing. He can't be happy with everyone against him, surely. If he's not afraid of anyone then it sounds as though he might be past the point of caring. Somehow he needs to be brought back to caring again. Show disapproval/disappointment of bad behaviour at home. Show him you love him but don't put up with bad behaviour. And let him know that you are not being a spoilsport, you are helping him now so that his life won't be so bad when he gets older. If he's having trouble with others at school which is making him want to join up with the other bad boys so he doesn't get picked on then find out and let the school know so that something can be done to sort it out.

beanie - if you are referring to my comments - re the extra help it is to do with spellings and reading. His teacher things that he did not pick up on all the phonics when he was in YR1.

DH and I are concerned.

Bella, i feel like you felt. I dread going to the school now i really do. Im waiting for the teacher or head to call me and im living on my nerves. Ive even had a couple of kids say 'You ds has done so and so today' which pisses me off.

After yet another chat on Wed and Thurs i dropped him off at school Thurs am with no apparent problems. Dp picked him and the deputy head informed him that he had called another kid a dork and thrown stones in the playground at lunchtime. Probably doesnt sound like anything major but considering the trouble he is in i cannot beleive he would be so bloody stupid.

Janitor, ive considered another school, i really have. Its a good school though. Im also worried that it would take him long to satrt messing around again. Im not excusing him, but he also seems drawn to the kids that fuck about. wherever we go.

Bellavita I'm not sure that you can do anything else but keep telling him that it's bad manners if nothing else, to disrupt the lessons for others. Could the teacher recruit him to help out with things? Collect stuff, give out worksheets that type of thing. Get him involved and hopefully interested.

Bellavita, to help him with his phonics, Toe by Toe is pretty good. Does your school use it?

JUULE

I am desperately trying to be understanding!

I keep telling him what a lovely sensible boy he can be and that i want to trust him. wE BOTH tell him that we know he can be good and to stay out of trouble so he doesnt get a bad reputation etc. We tell him that nice boys get nice things and that we love him and dont want to see him in trouble.

I am really struggling with what to when( and it is when rather than if)he gets into more trouble.

Today i went shopping with him for some holiday things as we are going away soon. He was lovely and we had a chat about maybe if he was sensible at school this wk he could get one of his electronicgames back to take on the plane. And then on the way home he started mucking about.

DP thinks we are too soft and the nice, reasonable approach isnt working and we should just take everything off him and send him to his room every night. He really is sick and tired.

Juule - he is the teachers "job person" as it is which he loves doing.

His year are doing an allotment and he is interested because we have a veg patch and grow lots of stuff. The mum that helps out with this said he is a mind of info and behaved beautifully.

In the IP that we have got it mentions a "hornet book"?

Bellavita, can't the teacher talk him into being quiet during the lesson then? Won't he listen? If he likes being job person and helping can't she talk to him about helping her during the lesson to help the other children learn?
Not heard of Hornets nest.

SA- Is he not bothered that him getting into trouble makes you and his dad sad?