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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

My dd had an almighty tantrum today and I ended putting the garden hose to her!

102 replies

chocolatemummy · 26/04/2008 19:45

well.........it was literally for a few seconds, and its better than smacking her, she had totally lost it.
Same old problem........running off when we are out, I am so worried about her getting snatched or lost and she does it almost everytime. Today she ran off while we were in the bank, after queing for ages she ran off and I had to leave to run after her, TWICE and the second time she acually ran OUT of the bank and into another shop and my heart stopped for a minute because I couldn't see her, when I got her we just went straight home and we were suposed to be going to the roundabout so she went bezerk!!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

cornsilk · 27/04/2008 19:11

So you'd be okay with it if someone did it to you?

controlfreakyagain · 27/04/2008 19:17

wing and parayer are you chocolatemummy? or how do you know what you've just written about using hose anyway etc? op hasnt said any of that. in fact she first tried putting her in her room, then decided to "hose" her when she still wouldnt calm down

GarnetTopaz · 27/04/2008 19:22

hi - what worked for us to stop ds running off was carrying pushchair around and making him sit in it with harness on if he wasn't as good as gold - he of course hates sitting in pushchair now that he's a big boy (4 recently) so that he now obeys and i'm confident that when i say stop he stops and he certainly doesn't try to run off anymore!! we don't carry pushchair around anymore!!

lljkk · 27/04/2008 19:26

Do you all really find a tantrum stops as soon as you walk away? My tantrumming kids follow me and continue the tantrum wherever I go. They keep screaming the same things until I acknowledge what they're screaming. If I don't, they ascend to panicky hysterics about being ignored. They definitely do NOT calm down if ignored.

Greensleeves · 27/04/2008 19:35

I get very irritated with this "it shocked her into the realisation that her behaviour was unacceptable" routine. No, it didn't - it shocked her into the realisation that Mummy will do something physically very unpleasant to her if she doesn't knuckle under.

If that's the kind of relationship you want with your child, good luck to you. But don't dress it up as some kind of moral crusade against - it's not, it's just plain old domination of the smaller by the bigger person.

wingandprayer · 27/04/2008 19:46

No, am not chocolatemummy. Have re-read thread and agree she did not say she was using hose already, but neither did she say it was premeditated so was giving benefit of doubt. Sorry.

Cornsilk, I do realise you reap what you sow. I shall therefore hope not to be chucking water at my kids, though appreciate I am less than perfect parent and who knows?

Janni · 27/04/2008 20:32

cornsilk - the argument that you should only do to children what would be acceptable if done to you is questionable. You are then treating children as if they are rational adults. If you go down that route, you could never put a child in their room to calm down, take away their favourite treat, send them to bed early or even start a star chart with them - all, I think, acceptable sanctions, because you would feel humiliated if the same were done to you.

cornsilk · 27/04/2008 21:17

that's not what I said Janni. I said would it be okay if someone poured water over you or sprayed you with a hose because you were arguing with them.And adults can have tantrums and be unreasonable too.

cornsilk · 27/04/2008 21:21

Not that I do the most things that you mentioned as being acceptable sanctions anyway.

Janni · 27/04/2008 21:27

What sanctions do you use, cornsilk?

Chipstick · 27/04/2008 21:28

No I wouldn't like to have it done to me but if I had been trying to hit someone, screaming at them and being totally unrational for a long period of time I really wouldn't blame someone for throwing water at me - I would much prefer that to a slap round the face for example.

Acinonyx · 27/04/2008 21:36

lijkk - doesn't work for us either. Ignore = it will go on and on and on and on....

fireflytoo · 27/04/2008 21:47

.... I am all for respecting our children and setting good examples etc for them, but sometimes if their behaviour gets totally out of hand (as this obviously is) doing something shocking (but not harmful or painful) can get them to think again. We are the parents. We set the limits and boundaries for their safety and education. If they feel they can get away with unsafe behaviour, a bit of shock tactics (Which the OP lovingly explained afterwards) can sometimes do wonders!

TheLadyEvenstar · 27/04/2008 22:19

I have never got the "Take a toy away" especially when kids have another 20+ in their rooms anyway. I take a toy away and ds1 gets another, take a book away he replaces it.

BigBadMouse · 27/04/2008 22:51

My mother did a similar thing to me when I was about 3-4. I was haivng a tantrum on the kitchen floor, she decided to pour a milk bottle full of water over my head. It was one of the worst things she ever did to me (and that is saying something). I still remember it now. Maybe it was worse for me than the OPs daughter as I hated having water near my face but I could never do anything similar to my DDs.

tbh even at 4.5 I would put her on reins or in a pushchair, running off is so dangerous, if she refuses to do as she is told she needs to be kept confined in some way - if she doesn't like it maybe she'll change her behaviour. That said, she's not my DD and I'm not the OP so what I would do is irrelevant. We all do what we feel is best at the time - hope the hose has done the trick.

TeeBee · 28/04/2008 09:44

Well yes, I sure most of us would say that hosing a tantruming child is not text book parenting but kids are annoying, and we are human. Say sorry, forgive yourself and move on. We all learn new lessons every day.

notinmyname · 29/04/2008 21:46

My Grandad used to tip leftovers on my Gran's head when she had done "something wrong". Still, only food. WOuldn't do any harm, right? And he would explain after why it was "for your own good".

The issue is humiliation. I'm not saying the 2 things are the same but worth thinking about.

WileECoyote · 30/04/2008 23:45

In some cultures throwing water in the face of a tantruming child is exactly how such behaviour is dealt with. It isn't designed to hurt or maim or to humiliate...at least any more than any other form of 'dicipline' carried out in public would. It isn't carried out at the point when an elder loses the plot but with control.

Sociologically, here, now, we might find it less acceptable. Personally, I don't think it's as physically harmful as smacking or more harmfull, emotionally, than other forms of 'telling off' could potentially be. How are you feeling about the hose incident since your OP Chocolate?

I feel for you! Some children have tantruming down to a fine dramatic art but others slip into hysteria and for a parent it can be quite painful and sometimes scary to witness.

Can you link up with friends, even if just for now so that when long queue moments occur, you (and your child) have support? Make this faze as easily 'do-able' as you can...... it is a faze

IME, bear hugs work wonders for hysteria but if you come to a point when hugging is escalating stress levels, for your child or yourself, time alone in a safe place will not do any harm and may even help you both. Follow either with talks to reinforce your stance and your love like you did following the spraying . You sound like a great mum!

ouryve · 30/04/2008 23:53

If DS1, 4y5m, is refusing to stay close by and hold the buggy or someone's hands, we warn him that he might need his reins on. If he still doesn't comply, he gets them. He hates it and complains that he's not a doggy, but I calmly tell him that that's too bad but I need to keep him safe because I love him and I would keep a naughty doggy safe, so I'll keep him safe just the same. Once I've said my piece, I keep my words to a minimum, except to say never mind, we'll soon be home if he complains loudly again.

Most times (and it's quite often that the situation arises, since he's autistic) a little empathy goes a long way. If he's still tantrumming when we get home, he goes into his cool off corner and then we have a hug once he's acting in a civilised manner again.

dittany · 30/04/2008 23:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kate76 · 02/05/2008 14:36

i agree with cornsilk and controlfreakery. Like everyone else, i'm only human, and I haven't ever been in this situation...but i like to think I wouldn't act this way towards my daughter.

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 02/05/2008 15:04

Have to say I do not see any harm that this may cause, the op calmed the child down or stopped her in her tracks long enough to talk rationally with her, then explained why she had done it. IMHO the child may or may not remember but is unlikely to have the whole gamut of emotional scarring that some of the posters hint at.

confusedmamma · 03/05/2008 22:54

My father once pushed my face into a plate of mashed potato. I think I'd have preferred the hose.

CarofromWton · 03/05/2008 23:18

The potato reference has just reminded me of an incident when I was little. My older sister (a teenager at the time) had been verbally 'nipping away' at my mom all afternoon and mom had remained calm. Then, one comment from my sister was the last straw, and as mom was peeling potatoes in the sink at the time she lost it and started hurling potatoes down the hallway at my sister. Potentially this could have caused an injury but luckily this had a happy ending; my sister, mom and me were all so stunned by this that the bickering just stopped and we all couldn't stop laughing! My mom never did the potato thing again.

mymama · 03/05/2008 23:19

I would do the water thing if I had to.

Whenever my 3 dc have a day bickering and fighting all day I tell them they are behaving like animals and they may be treated like animals if they keep it up. A hose down might give them the message.

As for humiliating the child there is nothing more humiliating then a lo having a massive strop in the middle of the shops or park in front of other people. Have felt very many times.

I try to avoid these threads. I don't know where all of these perfectly calm, level headed mothers come from but we are not all perfect parents.

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