Meltdown and tears over trivial things

[lucyellensmum]

I know its what 2 year olds do, but my DD is driving me nuts. The past week or so i have had to trapse back from the town/park/pool with an inconsolable toddler screaming that she wants her daddeeeeee (a whole other issue!!). She just seems to be devestated over the slightest thing. This morning it was an immediate reaction to toast instead of cheerio's. This afternoons fiasco was because she didnt want to walk home from the pool by the route we took. Things like that cause complete heartbreak. She literally screamed for an hour this morning because daddy had to "go to work" - he works from home (and i might have to kill him soon!!). I can't console her, so when she is out i just end up walking along with the poor little thing trailing me sobbing her heart out, if i try, she loses her rag and it makes things worse. Not a day goes by without tears (often mine too) and im at a loss tell me its a phase and im not a terrible mummy???please

Def a phase. Don't fret too much.

You are not a bad mother at all - my definition of a bad mother is one who spends ages and ages trying to coax their tantruming children out of the enraged tantrum - when it JUST MAKES IT WORSE!

So take a breath and carry on with what you're doing - murmuring "oh dearie me - you are upset aren't you?" as you drag her along behind you.

And the tantrums don't go away - they just develop. Three year olds can talk clearly - so their tantrums are more "arms akimbo, hands on hips, I hate my life and I hate you" sort of events!

Such a lot to look forward too

oh my 2.5 yr old is JUST the same, it's so exhausting and demoralising ... and he used to be so reasonable, it wasn't always like this. It better had be a phase! I try to just ignore it which must look really heartless to onlookers but nothing else works. Also has a total daddy obsession, I am a long way down the pecking order. I have much older teenagers, can't remember them being like this but that was way back in the last century so you are certainly not alone!

My DD seems to be a whole lot worse with this sort of thing when she's teething or under the weather. Things that wouldn't normally bother her suddenly become such a big deal. I have just spotted her last molar looming under the gum, so am bracing myself!!

She is 2. It is a phase. Can you possibly put her to bed an hour earlier - ie move the whole bed time routine forward an hour? It might make all the difference.

mrsmike, i have a 17yr old too - i dont remember it being like this either mind you, she (the 17yo) can take tantrums to the extreme!!!
gagarin - i did do exactly that with the "i want my daddy" tantrum this morning. I think i read about it somewhere in that baby book they give you when you give birth. Somethign like holding her on my knee, well all that achieved was bruised shins, a headbutted nose and pinches and scratches to the face - my DD is such a charmer .

~I blame DP its ALL his fault

3littlefrogs - dont talk to me about bedtimes LEM begins to rock back and forth wiht head in hands!! I do wonder if dropping the daytime nap was a mistake, but she would sleep for ages and then not want to sleep til 10 at night. I think tiredness does have a lot to do with it, she is getting up quite late (not a good thing really) and then come bed time not tired. She goes to bed about 8.30 so that could come forward, but if she is not knackered at bedtime she plays daddy up big time (she wont let me put her to bed at the momeent - )

Oh dear - sorry. It is just that when my dss dropped the day time nap, they would get tired and ratty at about 5pm, then by 6.30 they would go into overdrive. The result was chronic exhaustion and it was horrendous. When i managed to wind them down before they went into overdrive, they slept much better - I put them to bed at 6.30, and they got up between 6 and 6.30, but they were so much easier to manage - and happier.

But I know it is easier said than done

I used to make them walk MILES.....

Do you think (quite) strict routine makes a difference - in a good way I mean? I think I know the answer We are not v good at imposing routine here and he goes to bed 9pm sometimes after having long sleep in the afternoon. But that break in the afternoon is so tempting. And then he wakes late in the morning too and we like that ... but feel a bit bad about being so unplanned about it all. Need to get more organised I think.

I have one like this too. It's a recent thing. Today she asked for a babybel cheese. I gave her a babybel cheese. Cue 20 minutes of screaming tantrum, sobbing tears, gulping, choking, hysteria. Silly mummy! I didn't realise she meant she wanted a babybel cheese in its wrapper. I had foolishly assumed she wanted to eat it and so had unwrapped it for her as I have done every single time she's ever had a babybel in her whole life.

It's so hard to remain calm and rational.

Damnit child - if you want it in its wrapper just tell me you want it in its wrapper and I will happily leave the wrapper on, avoiding a lot of heartache (you) and guessing games (me).

Gahhhhh.

Repeat the mumsnet mantra: This too shall pass.

I do find distraction is my best (only?) weapon. It's a fairly ineffectual weapon for the task, but if anything is going to work that might. Mine is younger than yours though, so perhaps more gullible and easily fooled.

I know exactly what you are talking about. I have one word for you. It is this:

Distract.

Do not explain, do not reason, do not engage with the reason for the tears.

Just pick her up, say 'It's OK honey'. Then

DISTRACT

(Taken from that most famous and excellent publication: 'Janni's Guide to Two Year Olds')

LOL I still remember "I wanted my EGG cut up, not my EGGY!!!"

Of course, son. Sorry.

The best way to stop a hissy fit is to engross yourself in a book for the duration.

I have one of these

I find myself agreeing with her that life is tough then usually booting them up and sending the dcs outside/taking them for a loooong walk. 7pm is a magic time in our house

Makes a change from whining though. Am waiting for it to pass on, and the next phase to begin

lots of good advice here - PMSL about the babybel wrapper - that is just soooo typical of mine. That or she wants to get the apple out of the fridge herself.

I think the key is tiredness and overtiredness.

Laughing about the babybel, too. mine had a meltdown after i gave her a sausage roll. it took me five minutes (eternity) to guess that I was supposed to have left it in the paper bag. Meanwhile, she'd flopped to the ground screaming whilst onlookers streamed by looking either embarrassed or amused.

I do love her. I do.

DD2 was like this for a few months (she was aound 18 mohts old). I even looked up 'Highly Sensitove Children' on the intgernet. She just seemed to flip at the smallest thing then took ages to calm down. You could even see her trying to stop and join in with whatever I was trying to distract her with but she just couldn't manage it.

In her case it seemed to coincide with a period of illness including an ear-infection, stomach upset, colds and teething. She also had a dummy and had started demnading it all the time, although it just seemed to make her worse as it wasn't 'solving her problem'. I made a descision to take the dummy away (apart from bedtimes) and after a day of protest she seemed to forget about it. As if by magic she has been a different child ever since.

Not sure if it was a 'phase', getting better from the illnesses/teething or losing the dummy which helped. She is still only 21 months old now though so well aware the demon could return at any moment !

My almost 3yr old DS has been doing the exact same. For about a week or so, I've had at least one MASSIVE blowout from him per day. Nightmare.

I think that if I ignoreh him, he'll eventually calm down. Nope. Put him in his room with the door closed. Nope. Tell him once or twice within a timeframe of about 20mins that if he stops shouting and talks nicely then we can play together.... nope.

These tantrums also start from the tiniest things- the last one was all to do with cutting his toast in the morning, and he wanted it whole...

They can go on for literally close to an hour. And eventually he starts sobbing "I'm crying, need my dummy".... Again-
I was planning on getting rid of that atrocity dummy soon, dummy fairy will be coming to take it away. BUT, how am I EVER going to calm this child down without it?? (he only actually has the thing for naps, so not sure why he suddenly is determined that he needs it during a tantrum...!!)

Anyway, I am sticking firmly to the belief that it is indeed a phase, and just needs ignoring- as much as possible-- often difficult when he is in his room dismantling the furniture and trying to put a hole through the door......!!!!!!

DD is 2.6 yrs. I find it works wonders to give her something to look forward to.

For example: We are about to leave the playground and I know she will cry/beg/scream etc. So I say, "Let's go and feed the ducks" (in a park nearby) and she is happy to come. As we leave the ducks, I say "Let's go home and watch some cartoons" and she is happy to leave the ducks behind.

(And before anyone asks, nope, I am not ashamed that she watches TV. She doesn't nap and by the time we come home at 6 PM, I plonk her in front of TV so I can prepare dinner.)

I do a bit of that too Cotedazur.... walk to the supermarket, and before we go inside I say "now, if you are a good boy and help me get the shopping, you can have a go on the car at the end as a treat...." and on the way round, lots of distraction, like "what do we need?... can you get the bananas for me?"... etc etc etc..

But he can't spend his life going from one treat to the next(!) At some point, he has to just do something 'because I say so'.

I think it is a fine balance between respecting the parent's wishes and doing as they are told, and breaking their spirit so that they will do everything they are told.

My two cats did everything I told them to do (never went in the kitchen although I didn't have a kitchen door, came down from wherever they were if I told them to, came when called, stopped eating if I told them to, etc) but that was because I broke their spirit and trained them to obey me unconditionally.

I can train DD to do everything I want and without any objections, but then what kind of a person will she turn out to be? I thought about this long and hard, and decided that I don't want to break her just so shopping etc will be easier on me.

I don't mind giving her things to look forward to when I want her to do this or that, until she gets to an age when we will be able to better communitate and she will understand the reasons of why we are doing something. I don't want her to do something just because I told her to, I want her to understand why I want her to do it.

Absolutely. And I do give reasons to my DS. He does understand the reasons too - when in a listening mood! - so I agree wholeheartedly that it is pretty pointless just telling children not to do things all the time.
I do find if my DS gets why I am telling him something, he is more inclined to listen to me.

I just meant that I don't like to cosntantly be giving rewards for 'normal' behaviour. But then, the difference in age between our two, although only a few months, makes a massive difference in how we can communicate with them. I would say 6mths ago I was taking the exact same approach as you, only now I think DS is a little to manipulative(!)
For example, his new favourite phrase is "I do 'such-and-such', and then I get 'such-and-such'. Is that a deal?" (!!!!!)

Ah, you are right, it is not good for them to think there is always a reward for whatever they agree to do.

I don't necessarily mean 'reward' when I say 'something to look forward to'. For example, DD likes to throw "baby stones" down our parking lot. When I think it is time to go home, I sometimes say, "Let's go to the baby stones". Just putting forth an idea, something else to do, that she will find interesting.

Or when I feel a tantrum coming, I sometimes divert her attention by "Do you want to finish up here so we can go out and give daddy a call?".

Today DD has been a star, we had a potential melt down when she was getting tired but was easily averted, by her big sister giving her her own way and carrying her . She went to bed earlier last night, although still slept late. She has accepted daddy "probleeee in the shed" through quivering lip, "but he going to buy me moo bar" (chocolate - i have no idea why!) She has been alot easier to "handle" today.

I too do the looking forward to thing, i used to do this as "bedtime blackmail" when she goes to bed saying, oh we must go to sleep now because we are doing xyz tomorrow.

So, now to try for another earlier night

Did the early night thing last night too.... started getting him ready at 5.45pm, but he still was not 'asleep' asleep before 7.20pm.!!
Fingers crossed for tonight- for you too LEM!

well she might have been a star all day but she was a bugger at bed time Shes been good today, considering im having a bad day and being a useless mummy