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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

3yr old HATED nursery :( What do I do??

77 replies

Disenchanted · 14/04/2008 18:23

He hated it today.

It was only 2 hours but he cried so much, he held oto me wouldn't speak, just grunted. Wouldn't talk to the techer or children.

I stayed for 30 mins but he wouldn't do a thing, wouldn't look at the books, puzzles ect ... just kept saying 'I want to go home'

Eventully I took her advice and I just left him with the teacher (but he was crying lots) and went out, I was sobbing for 2 hours.

When we came back at 3:15pm we walked in and all the other children were sat with legs crossed on the carpet, DS was stood holding hands with the teacher looking terrified still.

He saw up and burst into tears! Ran to us and clung like a monkey to DH.

He says he doesn't want to go back

I want to give it a shot but it was heart breaking!

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Original poster

Disenchanted · 14/04/2008 18:24

The teacher said he didn't want to do anything, he just held my hand and watched.

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Original poster

Disenchanted · 14/04/2008 18:30

Just read that back, spelling is awful, sorry!

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Fillyjonk · 14/04/2008 18:31

what do you want to do long term?

ds did this. I didn't take him back for a year.

but that was easy logistics wise and I don't have any ideological commitment to formal schooling, or kids seperating from parents at 3.

luckylady74 · 14/04/2008 18:32

Is it a vital part of your childcare? If it's not I would try again in a few months - not really worth it and there's no rule that children are automatically ready at 3yrs old.
If you really want to try again I would say you will stay for the whole session and just go over and over with your ds about the routine and what will happen.

Original poster

Disenchanted · 14/04/2008 18:33

Its not vital at all, I am a full time SAHM, I just thought it would be 'good for him'

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seeker · 14/04/2008 18:34

If you need to use a nursery then there are lots of strategies to ease him in gently that people on here can help you with. If you don't, then don't take him!

beautifuldays · 14/04/2008 18:34

poor you.

my ds hated nursery when he started in september, he loves it so much now.

if i were you i would go back and stay with him for half an hour or so, and then take him home. keep doing that for a few weeks and see if he can get to the point where he enjoys it with you there.

personally i wouldn't leave him if he is genuinely scared, try and build up his trust in these people, let him get to know them with you still there and then progress to leaving him for short amounts of time, increasing it gradually when you think he is ready.

it's so hard tho isn't it? i remember my ds saying nursery makes me sad i don't want to go, and it broke my heart.

really feel for you but it willget better...promise xx

charmkin · 14/04/2008 18:35

look

Janni · 14/04/2008 18:36

I've been through this very thing recently with DD (3.4) I told the nursery I anticipated her having trouble settling (she is adopted and has been with us 8 months). For the first week we stayed one hour each time and I stayed with her - that was fine.
For the second week I sat in the office for an hour each time. She cried once and they dealt with it without fetching me, so that reassured me. The third week I tried leaving her for an hour. The first day she cried for 15 mins - they took her into the garden and she calmed down, then was fine.
Each day she cried when I left, but less and less each time - though to hear her you wouldn't believe she would ever stop. Now she just gives a little whinge when I leave but doesn't cry and has a really good time.
I'm only 5 mins away and I trust them to call me if she doesn't settle, but she really has.

I would persevere, but make a plan with the nursery to do a very gradual introduction. I'm sure it will work out. It's fine that he just held the teacher's hand and didn't join in. They need to find another safe person 'like mummy, but not mummy' before they can relax and throw themselves into it.

It's very hard for you though!!!

charmkin · 14/04/2008 18:37

and look here...

Original poster

Disenchanted · 14/04/2008 18:40

This is so hard

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Original poster

Disenchanted · 14/04/2008 18:44

I thnk I may just give it this week and see how he is by Friday.

Hes only 3.4

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lucyellensmum · 14/04/2008 18:53

IS there any way you can stay with him for the whole session?? Just til he finds his feet? Like others have said its not essential, but it will make the whole school thing easier. I remember my parents leaving me at school - i was distraught for a week, cried all day every day. This was because id not been to pre-schoool im sure. Could you tell him that you want to go and play with the toys etc, he might be happier with that, then just pop out for 15 minutes or so when he is happy, build up like that?? I havent started DD in nursery yet, she seems happy at M&T to go off and do her own thing and we leave her at ballet and she doesnt seem to notice, but watch this space

Original poster

Disenchanted · 14/04/2008 18:57

Hiya,

I was with him for the first 30 mins and was trying to get him to play, I was doing jigsaws looking at books ect, but he would not look or touch anything, he just kept trying to stand behind me and pull me to the door saying he wanted to go home.

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FrannyandZooey · 14/04/2008 18:59

did he know you were planning to leave him, was that why he was so anxious?

ScoobyDoo · 14/04/2008 19:00

God i know the feeling my dd is 2.3 & has gone to nursery today, she was fine when i went but i don't think she fully understood i was actually leaving the building, the say the last 30 mins she was very upset & crying & asking for mummy when i waled in she was sat on one of the girl staffs lap, she saw me & ran crying & scrmeaing with a scared but relieved pitch in her voice saying "mummy" i cried it broke my heart.

I would say stick with it for a bit as it becomes a routine, they sometimes beocme to actually enjoy the things they can do & start to open up, it was suggested to me on another thread not to prolong the goodbye to just explain what your doing & that your be coming back etc then walk tears or no tears but it's so hard isn't it.

I know DD is going to cry & scream, i know it is going to break my heart but i am hoping it's going to get easier.

onwardandupward · 14/04/2008 19:02

If he's this upset, it's not the 'good for him' you thought it would be, is it?

I'd forget it, honestly, and try again in September. What's the rush?

Original poster

Disenchanted · 14/04/2008 19:02

fRANNY, I DON'T KNOW WHY HE WAS SO ANXIOUS.

hES A VERY SENSITIVE LAD, HE DOESN'T LIKE CHANGE.

Ooops sorry, he just gets upset easily.

Oh I dont know what to do for the best

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mankymummy · 14/04/2008 19:05

oh god i feel for you, it must have been awful.

is he like that in any other situation? ie. if you go to friends houses, or if you leave him with anyone else?

whats the nursery like? if its very big and noisy and he's been used to being at home with you only then maybe find a smaller nursery?

agree with lucy, if you can stay with him for all the sessions until he starts to move away from you voluntarily that would be good.

i would say dont force it if he hates it consistently after trying that.

but i would try and persist, maybe try again in a month or two... don't forget he will have to go to school at some stage, if he can do that with a nursery transition all the better.

its terrible isnt it? all your instincts say stay with him, dont let him be upset...

Theochris · 14/04/2008 19:20

Poor you and poor ds. A really nice book with lovely pics about starting nursery is

"See you later Mum" by Jennifer Northway.

The little boy in the story is scared to join in at the beginning and his Mum comes along for a week and in the end he makes a friend and starts enjoying himself and title of the book is invoked

Perhaps talk about it lots and try again in a few weeks?

maisiemog · 14/04/2008 19:22

disenchanted, I'm not surprised you feel upset. I echo mankymummy, could you find a group where you can both go, parent toddler so that you can support him and build his confidence? Softplay? He is still very little and there is plenty of time before he starts school.

jazzandh · 14/04/2008 19:30

Before Ds started nursery in September he went for a taster session. He cried the whole time until I came back (20 mins or so). ....but I really hadn't prepared him very well. After that, I kept on mentioning that Mummy came back etc and that I would always come back.

In September we had a few tearful mornings but he soon settled. His nursery always sings the same song before hometime, and that was a really good way of telling him that, after he had sung such and such Mummy would be back. Is there something like this at your nursery?

I personally didn't find hanging around helped, nursery staff were very good at cuddling and distracting...but that really depends on your LO and only you can have that gut instinct as to whether he is ready or not.

blueshoes · 14/04/2008 19:33

Hi disenchanted, give it a week, as you say. Everyday, if possible. For the next session, stay with him for the whole session if necessary, with no expectations of settling him in with a view to leaving. This is just to familiarise him with the environment and carers. Chat with the carers, make little jokes (show him that they are friends of yours) and not pay him too much attention. If he wants to cling, cuddle him on your lap. Hopefully at some stage, the bright toys will attract his attention and he might start to move off on his own. Bring a little comfort toy for him.

I settled my ds into nursery over 8 weeks and around 15 sessions. The first session was only about 1 hour, and I never left. By the second week, I was leaving him a bit at a time. I hung around in a room out of his sight and read a magazine - if he could not settle after 10 minutes, the carers would get me. Ds was 10 months' old.

Don't worry about your ds not joining in circle time. The other children are old hands and will naturally be much more comfortable in the place and used to the routine. Your ds will join them when he is ready. It is very usual for children at this age to dip in and out of circle time.

If it does not improve after a week (or two or three), it is alright to give things a rest and try again in a few months' time.

Hope it works out

Original poster

Disenchanted · 14/04/2008 19:36

Its not really a nursery though its a preschool, attached to the primary I want him to go to,

so he can't go 2 afternoons ect, it has to be everyday Mon-Fri.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

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littlefrog · 14/04/2008 19:38

I remember this kind of thing from when I was small myself, and the memory still hurts me... My DS is only a year old, so we haven't got to this stage yet, but if it really only was because it's 'good for him', why not let it rest for a while? It's not like day-care, where you have to make it work, you have the option of stopping for a bit. It really sounds as if it isn't good for you... Much sympathy...

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