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Original poster

3yr old HATED nursery :( What do I do??

77 replies

Disenchanted · 14/04/2008 18:23

He hated it today.

It was only 2 hours but he cried so much, he held oto me wouldn't speak, just grunted. Wouldn't talk to the techer or children.

I stayed for 30 mins but he wouldn't do a thing, wouldn't look at the books, puzzles ect ... just kept saying 'I want to go home'

Eventully I took her advice and I just left him with the teacher (but he was crying lots) and went out, I was sobbing for 2 hours.

When we came back at 3:15pm we walked in and all the other children were sat with legs crossed on the carpet, DS was stood holding hands with the teacher looking terrified still.

He saw up and burst into tears! Ran to us and clung like a monkey to DH.

He says he doesn't want to go back

I want to give it a shot but it was heart breaking!

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Original poster
Disenchanted · 14/04/2008 21:08

me too honoria

I am going to talk to DH about it.

OP posts:
harpomarx · 14/04/2008 21:12

disenchanted, does he have to go to this pre-school in order to be sure of a place at the primary school?

if not, is there any chance you could have a look round and maybe try a different nursery for fewer sessions?

I suppose this will cost you as by now your grant will be registered for the other school, maybe that's not a possible.

my dd was very clingy at 3 and I learnt a lot from taking her to different nurseries and seeing her reaction to them, she looked unhappy at one and really ready to join in at another.

I do think he may have gone in at the deep end a bit, I spent a lot longer settling her, staying with her for a few short sessions, then leaving her for short periods etc.

i agree with what someone else said about finding a mummy substitute, i see a lot of kids (my dd included) who have periods when they like to hang around with teacher and hold hands etc.

seeker · 14/04/2008 21:14

Please don't think he has to go to nursery. Lots of children don't. And there is a WORLD of difference between 3 and 5. Keep him at home with you - schools are generally brilliant at settling the reception children in - and reception children are generally very tolerant of each other.

How about starting work when he's 12 so that he can get used to it before he has to start work?!

Original poster
Disenchanted · 14/04/2008 21:14

Hiya, hes 3 so we don't pay, he just started there, its a preschool attached to a catholic school, so not really a nursery.

I may ring tomorrow and inquire incognito if a child has to go to the nursery to get a school place at 5.

OP posts:
madness · 14/04/2008 21:14

ds was like that in nursery, finally took him out. He has had ABSOLUTELY no problems settling into school.
This was a nursery he started when 6 months old. The older he got the more he cried. Due to chances in work situation was able to take him out altogether when he was 3

LIZS · 14/04/2008 21:16

You have to give him some time to get used to it all if he has been with you 24/7. Can you negotiate a more staggered start say 3 afternoons a week until half term, 5 sessions is a lot straightaway. He may not actively participate to start with and the staff should be used to that and look for ways to engage him. you have to trust them to do this and be prepared to leave without him being settled if needs be , if you can't it is n't the right place.

Try bribery an incentive chart with stickers He will get used to it but if you get worked up he will pick up on it too. When you say "us" , is he feeling left out , ie that you are off enjoying yourselves with dh. Make whatever you plan to do sound really dull , I used to say I was off food shopping and promise we'd have more fun afterwards cos that was out of the way. At 3 he is well old enough to grasp that.

sophierosie · 14/04/2008 21:16

Your routine sounds great - similar to what I do with dd - my example week is something like this...

Monday - toddlers
Tuesday - grandparent over as I'm working so normally park, loads of play - dm is teacher so always lots of good creative idea!
Weds - music/dance sessions
Thurs - meet other mums/toddlers
Fri - zoo

We generally do lots in the mornings and then have a quiet afternoon - sometimes dd sleeps on the sofa or we sit in bed and read.

Ages ago I thought I should send dd to preschool etc for the same reasons as you, but I feel that dd gets a balanced week of activities and socialising with other children.

Original poster
Disenchanted · 14/04/2008 21:17

LIZS I don't really feel like I want to though.

I don't feel this is the right thing for him at all.

OP posts:
LIZS · 14/04/2008 21:18

You have to give him some time to get used to it all if he has been with you 24/7. Can you negotiate a more staggered start say 3 afternoons a week until half term, 5 sessions is a lot straightaway. He may not actively participate to start with and the staff should be used to that and look for ways to engage him. you have to trust them to do this and be prepared to leave without him being settled if needs be , if you can't it is n't the right place. A school place legally should n't be dependent but it may help if he already knows others in his class and routines, especially if he isn't an outgoing child.

Try bribery an incentive chart with stickers He will get used to it but if you get worked up he will pick up on it too. When you say "us" , is he feeling left out , ie that you are off enjoying yourselves with dh/younger dc. Make whatever you plan to do sound really dull , I used to say I was off food shopping and promise we'd have more fun afterwards cos that was out of the way. At 3 he is well old enough to grasp that.

LIZS · 14/04/2008 21:18

Sorry for double posting , broadband connection playing up.

madness · 14/04/2008 21:21

ok, I have told you about ds who hated his nursery but who was absolutely fine at school. His younger sister had times she didn't want to go to playgroup. Well, I just took her back home again. DESPITE all the "good" advise about her getting used to going somewhere without me She is now a girl who doesn't like saterdays/sundays because there is no school.....

harpomarx · 14/04/2008 21:25

disenchanted, do you think he is picking up on your uncertainty about putting him in nursery?

i was very iffy about putting dd in at 3 due to her clinginess.

it wasn't till i discussed it with a professional who asked me 'what do you really want to do?' that i realised that i really did want her to go. From that point on I decided that it was my job as a mum to show her that it would be okay to go to nursery, that she would enjoy it etc. Of course you can't just click your fingers and make them love it, but if you are sure that it will benefit them then you have to try hyour damndest to make it work!

so, I would go through all the reasons why you think he should go and decide if you really feel them to be valid reasons in your heart. If you do, then take a deep breath, be brave through the clinginess and make it work. If, however, you decide that you really don't think there are any good reasons for him to go then take him out and enjoy your time together!

onwardandupward · 14/04/2008 21:38

listen to your instinct not your mother, disenchanted.

Thing is, not putting him in nursery is an implied criticism of your mother's choices, or will be taken as such by your mother. You can't win that one, you just ahve to do what is best for you and your child.

If everyone else around you seems to be into the whole nursery thing, have you thought about contacting the local home educators? Around us there is a really active social scene with parents and children for home educated children under 7. www.educationotherwise.org is the first port of call, and there's a lovely supportive Home Ed yahoo group. And noone would mind in the slightest if you were "Home Educating" till 5 and then school or even just for 6 months, but it might give you a bit of RL and online support community - people who don't think you're crazy not to be on for the whole nursery and separation at 3 bit.

onwardandupward · 14/04/2008 21:39

Sorry, I meant a lovely supportive EARLY YEARS home ed yahoo support group.

seeker · 14/04/2008 21:44

And I am pretty sure that attendance at the school's nursery can't be a condition of admission to a state school. Actually I am completely certain it can't, but because I'm British I have to sound unsure so as not to sound big headed.........

harpomarx · 14/04/2008 21:48

i don't think it can be a condition seeker, but if it's a catholic school teh kids who go to nursery probably get priority. there are schools like that near us.

Elasticwoman · 14/04/2008 21:50

I went to nursery school at 4, hated it and my mum took me out. Didn't start school till well after 5 (school didn't have room) and was always on top of things academically because my mum had already taught me to read at home and I had elder brothers who taught me other things.

I disagree with your mum. he is not ready now; doesn't mean he won't be ready in 2 years time. I think if you force him now it might put him off education, rather than get him used to it.

Once he is 5 he is legally obliged to attend. Now you have choice - exercise it.

seeker · 14/04/2008 21:54

But they can't get priority - I used to work for the Department of Education(as it was called in those days) and they are breaking the law if they do that.

jollydo · 14/04/2008 21:57

I think you should follow your gut instincts and do what makes you and your child happy. I was in the same position a few months ago - my ds visited pre-school a few times but was never confident to join in without me right behind him and he was adamant that he didn't want me to leave him there. He got very distressed whenever I mentioned it. Despite being advised, like you, that he needed to go to prepare for school etc. I decided (after much soul searching) to do what dp & I felt was right for our child. He hasn't gone back and I've never regretted it. We have lots of fun at home, he meets other children in activites but with me there & is gradually building his independence. All children are different and if yours isn't ready then there's nothing wrong with waiting. Don't be bullied!! (I sympathise though - it IS hard.)

harpomarx · 14/04/2008 21:57

the ones I am talking about are the voluntary - controlled thingamijigs or whatever they are called, the ones that are allowed to select on religion etc. I have definitely seen this on a list of admissions criteria.

Fillyjonk · 15/04/2008 07:31

disenchanted I think it is wonderful that you are planning to follow your instincys here. It is very hearwarming

fwiw ds didn't like nursery and we took him out of 2. He is now 5 and could certainly cope with being left, but he doesn't want to stay and I don't need the childcare (I have younger kids and so couldn't work easily), so we home educate (I mean theres more to it than that but...)

best of luck, let us know what happens.

Original poster
Disenchanted · 15/04/2008 08:15

Thanks filly.

We are carrying on this week but if he is still as distressed on firiday Im going to ask him if he wants to go back to school on Monday, if he says no then hes not.

Obviously if by Friday he is skipping in there happily I wont ask him!

OP posts:
HonoriaGlossop · 15/04/2008 08:54

good luck disenchanted

maisiemog · 15/04/2008 10:38

Hi Disenchanted, I'm sorry you were so upset when you spoke to your mum. It sounds as if that is advice you might want to push to one side. I get the impression that there are quite a few grannies who take a tough approach, but there was a culture of that type of parenting for a while, so it's kind of what they were used to. Child psychology has come on quite a bit since then and I don't think any child psychologist would say a three year old is equivalent to a five year old developmentally. There will be a huge difference between your DS now and in two years time, for a start you will be able to explain things to him and feel more confident that it has 'gone in'.
I just wanted to say that we also attend a nursery (pre-school) attached to a catholic primary and attend afternoons, we did manage to negotiate them down to four afternoons, but they said that they wouldn't be happy to offer fewer days. However, a friend of mine managed to 'knock down' her primary to three afternoons per week, so it can be done.
I was informed on day one that attending the nursery did not mean there would be a place at the primary and we would be expected to apply for a primary place just as any other parent in the area, and for any other primary we liked. She did say that the children of practising Catholics would have priority and that this year the school was under subscribed and all applicants have got a place.
I mention this to say that attending the nursery does not guarantee a place, which might also be a positive thing, as you may have as good a chance of securing a primary place as any other parent, regardless of whether your ds attends the nursery. It seems to be more down to how full the school is than anything else.
If he doesn't feel confident socially, then I would think about getting him into groups where you can both attend regularly and allow him to learn more about interacting with other children, whilst you support him.
I say go with your instincts about him, you know him best.

MotherofUBERboys · 15/04/2008 10:42

i had this, disenchanted. also a sahm, so didnt 'need' to do it.
so i treied for a bit. he really hated it, i pulled him out. both of them actually (no2 was onyl 13m behind no1).
tried again later and they love it.
no3 dues to go in for mornings in sept too... he'll be 2 and 8m. i think he'll love it, but if he doesnt, its no biggie.