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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

3yr old HATED nursery :( What do I do??

77 replies

Disenchanted · 14/04/2008 18:23

He hated it today.

It was only 2 hours but he cried so much, he held oto me wouldn't speak, just grunted. Wouldn't talk to the techer or children.

I stayed for 30 mins but he wouldn't do a thing, wouldn't look at the books, puzzles ect ... just kept saying 'I want to go home'

Eventully I took her advice and I just left him with the teacher (but he was crying lots) and went out, I was sobbing for 2 hours.

When we came back at 3:15pm we walked in and all the other children were sat with legs crossed on the carpet, DS was stood holding hands with the teacher looking terrified still.

He saw up and burst into tears! Ran to us and clung like a monkey to DH.

He says he doesn't want to go back

I want to give it a shot but it was heart breaking!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

sophierosie · 14/04/2008 19:45

surely he doesn't need to go every day even if it is a preschool

Original poster

Disenchanted · 14/04/2008 19:45

LittleFrog Im worried as he was supposed to start in January gone but I told them he wouldn't be going because I felt he wasn't ready, They held his place and I felt I messed them around a bit,

Im worried about taking him out again.

I do want him to go to this school, not sure if he is ready for nursery though.

OP posts:

Original poster

Disenchanted · 14/04/2008 19:46

Yes sophie, its mon-fri either morning of afternoons.

Luckily hes afternoons which is a shorter session, but still 5 days.

In september he will be FULL time, 9am - 3.30

OP posts:

sophierosie · 14/04/2008 19:53

That's a bit harsh that they don't give you any flexibility. Is that normal for all preschools?

Maybe he really just isn't ready - what about a playgroup? That may take some of the pressure off going every day as you could just go for a few sessions a week to build up his confidence ready for him to start preschool in september as a part timer building up to fulltime at xmas.

Don't feel worried about messing the school around - they would rather have a happy settled child (and parent) than a child who wasn't enjoying it.

littlefrog · 14/04/2008 20:04

oh dear, i did see your message, and I did wonder if it was the way it is around us, that you have a better chance of your child going to the school if they've been to the preschool... that does make it difficult, I really do see. I'm afraid we'll be in the same situation in a few years time.

I guess it's this thing about mortgaging the present in favour of the future - a really really difficult thing to judge.

I suppose you need to make a decision about whether you think it's essential that he does start now. If so, then people will have lots and lots of suggestions about ways of making it easier for him. If he's still completely miserable after a certain amount of time then you know it really really isn't the right time, and take the consequences. And if you decide that actually, it's not essential that he starts now, then again, you live with the consequences of that decision.

Have to say, in this kind of situation, I make lists of pros and cons, it really helps me to see where heart and head are leading me. And I always find I 'know' if it comes out 'wrong'

FrannyandZooey · 14/04/2008 20:11

but did he know you were planning to leave him there?
tbh i think it is a NORMAL reaction in this age group to be anxious at the prospect of being left with strangers - ds would have been just the same if I had told him I was going to leave him at the first session - I took several weeks settling him in, luckily the nursery were flexible about this

i have heard many tales about other nurseries being inflexible about settling in times and I think it is really discriminatory tbh
not all children are ready to trot in happily without their parents, and it is not necessary to inflict distress on them if you do have the luxury of more time to settle them in
walking off leaving them crying really isn't compulsory or desirable

sorry you had this upsetting day

ElenorRigby · 14/04/2008 20:12

He's 3 is the first time, you have left him for
a few hours?

onwardandupward · 14/04/2008 20:17

And worth bearing in mind, disenchanted that he doesn't have to start being educated at all, legally, until the term after he becomes 5, and then you are free to educate him through school or at home, whatever suits your family best.

So don't let the school put pressure on you to get him in their school every day all day in September before he's even 4 - it's all to do with funding for them, and not necessarily what's best for your child - only you and your child can work out what will suit him best.

My mantra with these things is always "what's the hurry?" - if you don't have to do it yet, and it doesn't seem fun for him yet, then leave it till later. He's clingy and uncertain now, but at 5 he'll probably be off and in those school gates without a backward glance and you'll be stifling the sobs at him not even missing you!

I really like littlefrog's latest post

Original poster

Disenchanted · 14/04/2008 20:21

My gut is to keep him with me,

but everyone keeps saying 'he needs this, it will be good for him' ect ...

I can't see that at the moment, How can being so sad ever be good??

Hes only 3!

But I don't know if I can pull him out,

I feel so confused!

OP posts:

FrannyandZooey · 14/04/2008 20:25

you can do exactly what you like
please don't feel pressured into doing anything you feel is wrong for your child
you know him best

Original poster

Disenchanted · 14/04/2008 20:44

Ive just had an awful conversation with my mum.

she said he needs to stay there and I said he doesnt, hes only 3!

she said but its getting him ready for school,

so i said right, so im sending him to preschool to get him ready for scholl, does that mean i should have sent him to a crech at 1 year to get him ready for preschool, and at 3 months sent him to a babysitter to getb him ready for the crece?

she then basically said that if i take him out and wait till he is 5 then he will react the same at 5 as now and all the kids in reception will be 'unforgiving' to his behaviour.

She was basically hinting that if i keep him out until 5 then he will be the same when he starts school and he will get bullied

I told her theres a world of difference between a 3 yar old and a 5 year old and she said tere isnt.

it will be the same#

and i will just be putting him through it again

im sobbing, sorry for typing

OP posts:

HonoriaGlossop · 14/04/2008 20:49

of course it won't be the same at five! He will be two YEARS older then - there's so much developing he will do before then

As i've said before on another nursery thread, you do NOT have to 'practice'; it doesn't necessarily help children to do pre-school. Children are ready for different things at different times, because they are not mini-adults; they are immature and developing emotionally. Your instinct is right IMO. Funnily enough locally to me there is a little 'pre-pre-school group' now offering for you to leave your kids there to 'prepare them for being left at pre-school'.

IMO he's far more likely to cope happily with school if he has been allowed to have the security he needs in the pre-school years

Please don't get so upset about it; have the courage of your convictions that it will do him no harm at all to wait a while! When your ds is ready to be left happily, he will do it; and it won't matter if he's 'practiced' it before or not. It only matters if he's ready.

Original poster

Disenchanted · 14/04/2008 20:49

I put the phone down on her

OP posts:

Original poster

Disenchanted · 14/04/2008 20:51

Thanks honoria,

I guess I just think rather 'mumsnetty' whereas she just stuck us in nursery at 3 kind of thing.

I argue why do it if he doesnt need to but she doesnt get that.

I wish I had some friends who would give me support.

OP posts:

mazzystar · 14/04/2008 20:55

i don't undertand why its meant to be full time from September - if he's only 3.4, surely he's not meant to be fulltime until next year?

i would talk to the nursery teacher/head and see if you can't start him off part time - is it a funding issue?

FrannyandZooey · 14/04/2008 20:59

many many of us adults NEVER went to preschool at all
or maybe a morning at nursery once a week

my ds has just turned 5 and is WILDLY different in confidence about being away from me than he was when he was 3
I mean a really dramatic change just in the last few months

I am so sorry your mum doesn't trust YOU as his mother to kknow what is best
I have personally found it does not help to confide in my mother about problems as I get similar reactions
you don't have to tell her what is going on, you can just say "oh we have decided to wait for now, he is so happy at home" etc etc
it stinks but you should only ask for help from people who you know share your viewpoints or can be respectful about different choices you may make

busymum1 · 14/04/2008 21:00

try it for two weeks before you decide to pull him out. I say this as by then he will be used to their routine and you will be used to his seperation. Both now as a childminder and previously in nurseries, pre-schools etc have only come accross one child in nearly ten years who did not settle by then If your child becomes too distressed they will phone you ask them to confirm this to put your mind at rest. 2 years ago I came accross a child who did this every morning without fail mum was nervous wreck asked her to walk round corner to higher window child would not notice by time she got there child was laughing and playing it was all for effect!

Original poster

Disenchanted · 14/04/2008 21:02

I am going to give it this week, if on friday he is the same as today he will not be returning on Monday.

OP posts:

sophierosie · 14/04/2008 21:02

Oh Disenchanted - so sorry you are getting so upset about this and that you're not getting any support from anyone over this. What does your partner feel about this?

I think you should really trust your instincts on this one - there shouldn't be any pressure for you to send him to preschool - like others have said there is plenty of time til he gets to school. As long as he is content, you will be happy. You'll probably know when he's going to be ready for preschool when he starts needing more stimulation from people other than you, but that can also come from lots of other different sources, ie other family members, toddler groups, soft play areas etc. One of the main factor that will contribute to him settling in a school environment is that he feels secure and valued as a person and a lot of that will come from you and the care you give him.

HonoriaGlossop · 14/04/2008 21:04

I think this thing of 'he can't go 2 or 3 sessions , it has to be mon-fri' is AWFUL. For whose benefit is that rule applied? Not for the welfare or needs of the child, certainly.

I just wanted to add that my ds found it really, really hard to separate from me. He went to pre-school for two sessions (2 hours each) per week from when he was 3, then at 4 he was in reception

It was only in the last term of reception that he managed to cope with being left. He wasn't sobbing, but he did cry a bit sometimes, and he never coped that well, you could see he would rather not separate.

now in year one he is truly absolutely fine to be left. Some children still don't seperate that well in the mornings in his class though. it is all about readiness.

Original poster

Disenchanted · 14/04/2008 21:05

What i WANT to do is set up a proper routine for him, but with me.

Like a mummy school.

Sorry if I sound mad,

but him me and DS doing things each day like 'leaf hunting then leaf print pics when we get home.

Tuesday swimming and park,

Wednesday learning numbers ect

I think that would benefit him more

with a nursery session in there somewhere, well not nursery but PARENT AND TODDLER so he can learn to interact with kids but with me there!

OP posts:

Original poster

Disenchanted · 14/04/2008 21:06

would that be so awful to do until school at 5??

OP posts:

HonoriaGlossop · 14/04/2008 21:06

that's such a good point Franny

I never went to pre-school at ALL, skipped off to school happily enough

I hate this current view that you are somehow not doing right by a child to leave them at a day setting. Since when was it harmful to be at home with parent!

HonoriaGlossop · 14/04/2008 21:07

disenchanted, the routine you describe sounds idyllic

your son would get so much joy out of that

I would like you to do it please

HonoriaGlossop · 14/04/2008 21:08

oops that post was supposed to say 'not doing right by them if you DON'T leave them at a day setting'

meh

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