Dd1 (8) is mostly a lovely, unspoilt, kind child, but has an obsession with her bedroom that is making life difficult for all of us

[TheHonEnid]

She keeps her bedroom immaculately neat. Has lots of bits and pieces which she arranges in a special order on her desk/bedside table. She refuses to let her sisters into her room as they 'touch things'. Very occasionally she will allow dd2 (5 and aware of the no-touching rule ) into her room to play together. Dd3 (nearly 2) is Not Allowed.

Trouble is, she has a BIG room. If people come to stay, we have to juggle the girls around a bit to fit them in (4 bedrooms, 3 girls, each with own room).

My sister is coming to stay in a few weeks with her 3 year old dd. Dsis says that her dd (cousin), wants to share with the top two girls. Dd1 will allow dd2 to share her room (at a pinch) so that dsis can have dd2s bedroom but will NOT allow cousin to share too, in fact, will not allow cousin to even ENTER her room.

so cousin will have to share with dsis - fine, but embarrassing to explain why.

I am finding it increasingly difficult to respect dd1's wishes and run my life the way I want to! We also wish to move dd1 out of this big room and into dd2s room, so that dd2 and dd3 can share dd1's large room and we have a teeny tiny spare room. Even the thought of this throws dd1 into a complete panic and she flatly refuses.

Should I insist? Or is there a clever way to get what I want and not upset dd1 too much in the process? I should add that dd1 is generally very kind and thoughtful - she has almost an OCD kind of thing with her room, it seems a bit more than being bloody minded about it.

any other OCD-ish type symptoms?

well she doesnt have any rituals as such although she does like things done in a certain order (although this is improving)

I'm absolutely no expert at all on such things, but as a child I kept my bedroom fastidiously tidy (everything in its exact spot), but looking back now I can see I was trying to exert some control over my life as things elewhere had all gone pair shaped (my dad had been diagnosed with MS).

Not that I'm suggesting anything like that is happening with you....but maybe have a chat with dd to see if everything else in her life is OK.

if there is even a hint of OCD, I would be inclined to nip it in the bud with some simple CBT techniques (lots of books about it, or chat with GP/HV).

If you need to move bedrooms then maybe make a big deal of redecorating the smaller room, pick out colours, curtains together etc

HTH

Will your dd understand be receptive to the embarrassment factor with regards to making her cousin share with her aunt - hospitality rules etc, enid?
Given that she is clearly a kind and thoughtful little girl on other fronts...
And can she not see the privacy advantages of reconfiguring the bedrooms long-term so that she never has to share her new, smaller room again?
My parents handled the privacy/sharing thing quite well with hindsight I think - as eldest I was told I either got the boxroom as private territory, or had the bigger room but had to expect frequent sharing and incursions from dsis.
At times I fumed about it but I did see the logic ultimately...have you tried this tack with dd1?
And what happens with sleepovers? Is she OK with letting friends in to bunk down?

First of all - what a blessing to have a child who wants to keep her room tidy!! My dd's room is a glitter-infused disgrace

However, its a tricky situation. I remember being moved constantly from one bedroom to the next to accommodate the needs of my siblings and it wasnt great because I never felt that any one space was 'mine' IYSWIM so I did get resentful. On the other hand, its your house and you have to arrange it the way you need to suit your needs.

No help at all that was it??

Marina yes we are getting somewhere with that tack. She did once discuss the bedroom thing with something like enthusiasm. Trouble is...we 'sold' it so well (new paint, curtains, bed etc) that now we can't bloomin afford to do it .

She likes friends coming for sleepovers although gets very worried if they touch stuff

we put a few special things away before they come

Can you start with the drip drip drip of making out dd2's room (soon to be her new room hopefully) to be absolutley fabulous?

dd1 didn't want to move out of her room but did when I went overboard with how amazing it would be and she could choose her own stuff etc etc

(dd1 is the same as you know, the rows over lines of Polly Pocket shoes know no bounds in this house )

Marina made a good point about having total privacy but a smaller bedroom, or a large room and accepting that sharing will be required.

Would bribery work? Perhaps a reward of a day out on her own with you for being grown up and sharing, or something nice (duvet set??) for her new room?

yes, good point there re marina

say if she moves she will not have to move again re visitors (if that would definitely be the case)

the things on her bedside table are hilarious [hollow laughter]

a ball from a cracker
a fossil
three tiny rubber horses that have to lay in a special way
two pencils
a pile of books (never read, just there)
a brooch
a unidentifiable fluffy thing

sometimes I move something just to see if she notices, or lay a horse a different way

'WHO'S BEEN IN MY ROOM!'

yes malory I am sure it is a bit of that

although she has always been like it, even as a toddler

as I say we have almost cracked the new room thing but we have overdone the bribery and now can't actually afford to do it.

lol

same here

hair clips that are JUST SO on the fringe of her giraffe toy

I had a clear up once >

I now leave everything as it is and dust round

I think you are allowed (morally I mean) to insist she moves into the small room, but pitch it to her as Marina says - tiny room, but all her own.
I well remember hating being constantly asked to give up my room to the random people my mother used to insist on putting up in our house (colleagues sisters son visiting from Australia - come and stay with us!) so am determined that my childrens needs will always come before visitors, but that extends to them not being chucked out of their rooms - I still expect them both to have friends children sleeping on ready beds in their room.
I do think the obsessivness is slightly worrying, but also something that if you intervene now, you can help her to overcome

I have no idea how to help her overocme it tbh

I am a slut tidyness wise

dh is the same as dd1 - obsessively tidy (although very nice about it and indulgent of his wife's chaotic leanings)

Enid, my friend is very similar to this - we used to annoy her at uni by changing the order of CDs...

I think marina is spot on in saying that she could choose either sharing or having a smaller (but private room).

For the imminent visit, could she prepare an area for her cousin? Perhaps give her some ownership of where she will sleep, get her to make the sleeping arrangements up?

I have the opposite problem with my kids...ds1 and dd have a large room which they share, but it is impossible to get in, as it is SO messy!

Oooo dear, I was a bit like this when I was younger! Kept my bedroom immaculate and although I would let my brother and sister in my room I would watch them like a hawk and I knew if someone had moved something even just a few inches! I grew out of it and I'm a slob now so I think it's just a phase but no tips I'm afraid!

If circumstances have changed re doing the room, can you just do some of it: I.e. Paint, curtains, bedding etc, and save the more expensive things for later, ie. new bed etc? Maybe if you sell it in to her as: We want to get you the nicest new bed/things for your room, but we need to save our pennies first, so we will do these bits now, and change the furniture later?

thats reassuring meandmyjoe (that you grew out of it!)

god it is going to cost about a grand to move rooms

bunkbeds or high sleeper with desk under, new bed for dd3, new deco for dd1

[faints dead away]

If it's comforting at all enid, dh rashly promised ds1 that he would 'make him a bedroom in the roof' when we were on holiday about 3 years ago and he slept in a loft room. Ds1 is holding us to this, and we are now looking at the costs of loft conversions, to put the boys in the roof, then redecorate the office room at the back for dd. I am scared looking at the prices of loft conversions!!!!

(We do really need the space, so it isn't all ds1 being demanding before everyone thinks he is really spoilt!).

you have my sympathies, I would find this sort of behaviour difficult to deal with too. But yes, you need to encourage her into the small room. Could you spread the cost of the re-fit out over a couple of years and focus first of all on small privacy gimmicks like very beautiful 'Private, dd1's Room' signs?

My dds have very specific signs on their doors. Dd2 (6) has "No sisters between the age of 7 and 9 allowed". Dd1 (8) has "I like horses and dogs and noone under the age of 8 is allowed unless they are under 5".
Dd3 is favoured, she's allowed in both rooms.

Mine is similar actually Enid but not THAT bad at all

I allow one shelf and one drawer for 'private' which Baby sister cannot touch. (You could put the shelf up high above her bed maybe?)

And the rest she has to accept will be fecked with

Although mine has more Monica From Friends tendencies so gets pure joy out of the tidying and re-sorting, and doesn't mind things being touched as long as she is allowed time to Put Things Back