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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Dd1 (8) is mostly a lovely, unspoilt, kind child, but has an obsession with her bedroom that is making life difficult for all of us

73 replies

TheHonEnid · 01/04/2008 10:46

She keeps her bedroom immaculately neat. Has lots of bits and pieces which she arranges in a special order on her desk/bedside table. She refuses to let her sisters into her room as they 'touch things'. Very occasionally she will allow dd2 (5 and aware of the no-touching rule ) into her room to play together. Dd3 (nearly 2) is Not Allowed.

Trouble is, she has a BIG room. If people come to stay, we have to juggle the girls around a bit to fit them in (4 bedrooms, 3 girls, each with own room).

My sister is coming to stay in a few weeks with her 3 year old dd. Dsis says that her dd (cousin), wants to share with the top two girls. Dd1 will allow dd2 to share her room (at a pinch) so that dsis can have dd2s bedroom but will NOT allow cousin to share too, in fact, will not allow cousin to even ENTER her room.

so cousin will have to share with dsis - fine, but embarrassing to explain why.

I am finding it increasingly difficult to respect dd1's wishes and run my life the way I want to! We also wish to move dd1 out of this big room and into dd2s room, so that dd2 and dd3 can share dd1's large room and we have a teeny tiny spare room. Even the thought of this throws dd1 into a complete panic and she flatly refuses.

Should I insist? Or is there a clever way to get what I want and not upset dd1 too much in the process? I should add that dd1 is generally very kind and thoughtful - she has almost an OCD kind of thing with her room, it seems a bit more than being bloody minded about it.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

morningpaper · 01/04/2008 11:40

Mine has a treasure box under the bed too actually

full of random broken things and weirdy bits and pieces

Fennel · 01/04/2008 11:42

Am a bit at these children who will obsessively tidy their stuff up. I can see it might get worrying but still, we could do with a bit of that around here.

morningpaper · 01/04/2008 11:45

Mine both love tidying - I think their nursery really encourages it with stickers etc.

Nurseries are great for learning tidying IME.

The other day I found my 2 year old sitting cross-legged in a perfectly tidy playroom after I'd spent 10 minutes washing up ("Tidied up mummy! Watch telly now!")

result

morningpaper · 01/04/2008 11:45

(of course you have to accept that you will find cat food and ancient cheese sandwiches neatly tidied away at the bottom of the toybox)

Original poster

TheHonEnid · 01/04/2008 11:47

I like to tidy dd2s room which often resembles a burglary committed by a bunch of very camp burglars.

dd1 finds possessions rather worrying. she has monastic tendencies (hence ridiculousness of huge bedroom)

OP posts:

Original poster

TheHonEnid · 01/04/2008 11:48

so, anyway, as I am not going to move them yet, whats the concensus on not allowing small cousin into dd1's room?

OP posts:

morningpaper · 01/04/2008 11:50

I would make her share - it's manners

give her a box to put all her treasures in and put them away until Cousin has left

It's mad that she won't enjoy a sleepover because she is OCD pernickety

nip in bud even if tantrums - bad precedent to set giving into it now

imvho

Oliveoil · 01/04/2008 11:55

you are in charge imo

I bend to dd1's little rules but only to a degree

she is not the only one in the family and sometimes will have to do stuff she doesn't want to to

so cousin is in

Fennel · 01/04/2008 11:57

I would say cousin doesn't have to share her room if she doesn't want her to - privacy is important - BUT then she has to move to small room. Where she can be beautifully private and neat.

My dds are veterans of nurseries. Doesn't seem to have made them good at clearing up.

pointydog · 01/04/2008 11:58

If cousing does share room, spend time with dd removing and storing away all the things she really doesn't want to be touched and played with.

A friend of mine did this once with her dd when we were all going to visit. At the time I thought it was very indulgent of her and I felt slightly insulted. Now I think that if a child will become very upset by this, it just shows consideration and won;t affect the visitors one way or another.

CrackerOfNuts · 01/04/2008 12:03

You can only allow this to a point I think, and then you have to sxtep in and tell her that she has to stop, and allow others in her room etc.

Dd2 had/has a hand washing obsession, and at the time that it was at it's worse, she also went through a phase of having to have certain things in certain places in her room.

Dd's psych, said that up to a point this was ok and acceptable, but if it meant she was getting hysterical, or getting in and out of bed 100 times a night to move things back, or taking forever to get to bed because things had to be in the right place, then, that was no good and she was given rules as to how many times or how long she could she could arrange her stuff.

The same with the handwashing. She was allowed to wash her hands in certain situations but not in others.

Original poster

TheHonEnid · 01/04/2008 12:04

bloomin heck

I dont think I can make her share with cousin

she will FREAK OUT

and will refuse and possibly run away from home

OP posts:

CrackerOfNuts · 01/04/2008 12:06

But what if, at some point she really had to share with someone for some reason ? Surely it's better to work through it now.

morningpaper · 01/04/2008 12:06

What about saying that if she won't share with cousin then she will have to let the other girls share the Big Room while she sleeps on the floor in your room?

I think that planning the sleeping arrangement around her pernickety-ness is in contradiction of your 'unspoilt' keyword in the subject

pointydog · 01/04/2008 12:08

What does she most fear about sharing with the cousin? Can't the main fear elements be removed?

Original poster

TheHonEnid · 01/04/2008 12:08

if cousin was older it would be fine

but she is 3 and at that very 'grabby' stage

OP posts:

Original poster

TheHonEnid · 01/04/2008 12:09

she has shared for sleepovers and with older friends with no problem

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Fennel · 01/04/2008 12:09

Surely better to put 3yo cousin to sleep with your younger girls then? if she's 3 and grabby.

morningpaper · 01/04/2008 12:10

What about installing a High Shelf for The Things? Or clearing out some shelves in a cupboard for The Things? If she doesn't have that many things (as you have said) then you could just remove them all to somewhere safe and replace them with things that the Small Cousin CAN touch e.g. bears and things.

morningpaper · 01/04/2008 12:11

I would be a bit peed off dealing with a tantrumming 3 year old who wants an exciting sleepover with her cousins down the hall but who are too obsessive about their Trinkets to let her sleep with them

Original poster

TheHonEnid · 01/04/2008 12:12

dd2 doesnt want her either

but dd2 cant share with her as dsis has to have her room to sleep in

last time cousin slept on a blow up bed in same room as dsis

but dsis wants cousin to share with older girls this time

OP posts:

Psychomum5 · 01/04/2008 12:13

you have my sympathies with the 'ocd' child.....I have one too!!!

mine is DD3 (so luckily has elder girlies to 'squash' her IYGWIM), and is so finicky with her bed and wardrobe it is untrue!.

it got so bad at one point that she would make her bed (taking at least 20mins so as to smooth out every damn wrinkle), and then not sleep in it for the next few nights so as to keep it that way.......

she would go climb in her sisters bed DD2 and share with her all night......(DD2 was on a bottom bunk in a double sizish bed (one of those triple sleepers) and so didn;t mind for a while, but we have recently had to go buy new seperate beds to stop it.....and then I go and find she makes up a camp on the floor instead.

she also colour-coordinates her wardrobe and drawers, and has had to have three shelves put up to keep her 'special stuff' on so the boys don;t get at them.

she is the middle of 5, so imagine her angst when they go into her (shared) bedroom....{evil}!!!!

it does get bad tho when her teacher calls me into school to try and get her to explain why she has done no work certain days. turned out that if she made any type of mistake (real or otherwise), then she tears the pages out of her book, or tears up the paper, and chucks it, for fear of utter rejaction for something not perfect.

believe me, it is getting worrying!!!!!

home wise we handle......gentle teasing (in the type of making her see that small parts of it is foolish), but with repsecting her private stuff so she see's and appreciates that we do care how she is....ie, the shelves, not making her share certain parts of the room, and just going with it with regards to the camps etc......but school, well, that I do worry over as she is getting older now (age 9, yr4) and so it will stop being seen as an eccentricity and more an annoyance. especailly if she doesn;t get an understanding teacher at any point.

tips for you daughter......make out the room change to be something wonderful......show her all types of storage solutions that she could get, and maybe promise her a lock on her door if she downsizes to guaruntee that no-one can get in to mess things up.

Original poster

TheHonEnid · 01/04/2008 12:13

steady morning paper

I don't think you are quite getting this and are beginning to get het up about dd1 when I have explained that, really, she IS unspoilt and possibly has a bit of an ishoo with her things. I take your point that to an outsider it sounds spoilt though!

OP posts:

Wheelybug · 01/04/2008 12:13

Could the cousin not be persuaded to share with the 2 year old - who would otherwise be left out (or is that asking for even more trouble) ?

Fennel · 01/04/2008 12:14

I have to say little cousin doesn't sound a very tempting sleeping buddy. I wouldn't fancy her either from the description so far.

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