Dd1 (8) is mostly a lovely, unspoilt, kind child, but has an obsession with her bedroom that is making life difficult for all of us

[TheHonEnid]

She keeps her bedroom immaculately neat. Has lots of bits and pieces which she arranges in a special order on her desk/bedside table. She refuses to let her sisters into her room as they 'touch things'. Very occasionally she will allow dd2 (5 and aware of the no-touching rule ) into her room to play together. Dd3 (nearly 2) is Not Allowed.

Trouble is, she has a BIG room. If people come to stay, we have to juggle the girls around a bit to fit them in (4 bedrooms, 3 girls, each with own room).

My sister is coming to stay in a few weeks with her 3 year old dd. Dsis says that her dd (cousin), wants to share with the top two girls. Dd1 will allow dd2 to share her room (at a pinch) so that dsis can have dd2s bedroom but will NOT allow cousin to share too, in fact, will not allow cousin to even ENTER her room.

so cousin will have to share with dsis - fine, but embarrassing to explain why.

I am finding it increasingly difficult to respect dd1's wishes and run my life the way I want to! We also wish to move dd1 out of this big room and into dd2s room, so that dd2 and dd3 can share dd1's large room and we have a teeny tiny spare room. Even the thought of this throws dd1 into a complete panic and she flatly refuses.

Should I insist? Or is there a clever way to get what I want and not upset dd1 too much in the process? I should add that dd1 is generally very kind and thoughtful - she has almost an OCD kind of thing with her room, it seems a bit more than being bloody minded about it.

ah, cousin is only 3. I think it's fair enough that an 8 year old doesn't want to share with a n unintentionally destructive 3 year old.

Personally, I'd try not to have them sharing.

What about Temporarily Moving The Stuff To Another Place?

You could go to B&Q today and get her to choose a New Shelf to install for this purpose.

Are you SURE that the 3 year old WILL feck with the stuff if you tell her not to? Surely it would be easy to put it on a shelf out of reach?

Fennel that is part of it as I can kind of see dd1's point..

mp, I think you;re being harsh

I would separate out the issues.

Perfectly reasonable to not want to share with little destructive cousin.

Not reasonable to have largest bedroom and refuse to share with any visitor.

Not sure about the OCD-ish behaviour, how far to go along with it, but others have more experience with that. Our whole household swings too far the other way on that issue.

I am just trying to see it from dsis point of view

I think your dsis has a reasonable case of AIBU if you disappoint the Small Cousin

I would try to find a way around it on grounds of Being Hospitable

could dsis not have the big bedroom (assuming she wouldn't feck with stuff) and all the girls squash into the other one?
Might be fun?

Sister's pov is probably similar to the view I used to hold. She will think you are being over-indulgent and may well feel a little hurt on behlf of her dd. Well, that's just how it'll have to be.

Get the 3 yr old to share with a younger child.

What about this: You and your DH share with Older Child in big room

The two younger ones share in your room (and have a really good time)

Dsis in small room

??

OR: Buy one of those £10 2-man instant-up tents

Erect tent in lounge for 2 younger children to sleep in

Ok. All good suggestions.

but a) dh and I are not giving up our bed
b)I am not having a tent in my sitting room

cousin and dsis can lump it this time, next time they come dd1 will be in New Room and Big Room available for sleepovers for cousin, dd2 and dd3.

OR: Do the room move over the Spring Break - it's a good time for redecorating etc.

Do you think cousin will actually want to share when it comes to it?

I only ask because I wasted hours talking DS into agreeing that my goddaughter (1 yr younger than DS) could share his room when they came to stay (not, I hasten to add that DS is a tidyness freak - although he does show some of PhychoDDS'3 tendencies about written work) only to have small girl (3.5) bottle it completely and decide she wanted to share with her parents instead

..that would be "PsychoDD3's"

Oh gosh, huge sympathy, I hope my dd1 isn't headed in this direction. She's 5 and has declared her room a 'no go zone' unless she's there to police it. She even wrote a classic sign for her door which says something like "Dongowinsroomunlessiswivyoo" All one word!

Unfortunately dd2 is 3 and a) can't read and b) is the anti-authoritarian type. So when she has friends round on my days off they do tend to career about in there before I can stop them. Dd1 then goes beserk and has to 'sort her room out' (not that it's impeccably tidy, but laid out in a certain way that she likes).

I think the choice between swapping rooms for privacy or having to share is a very fair one. We might be facing the same issue soon - number 3 due this autumn, and we have 4 bedrooms and frequent need of a guest room.

what about having your DSIS in dd1s room, then she can be told that dd1 gets a bit upset if her stuff is moved and dd1 can be reassured that auntie X is a grown up who will be neat and tidy and respect her privacy. All 4 girls share another room if its just a night or two, topping and tailing, sleeping in a big nest on the floor etc or dd1 shares with dd2 and cousin and dd3 share?
I can see why she is a bit annoyed, when I was younger we all changed rooms, after years of having to move if anyone came to stay because I had the double bed and sister's room, despite having an en-suite had a loft sleeper thingy which arthritic grandparents/overweight family friends/heavily pregnant women would not want to sleep in I then had to move because I had the en suite (and two single beds) i was

Oh and on the subject of annoying cousins... not only was i kicked out of my ensuite twin bedded room for AN ENTIRE MONTH while family visited from America but I had to sleep on the floor of the bathroom over CHristmas as entire family (think 60+ people) descended on us. I go into my room as a self conscious teenager to find bratty american cousin (9) going through all my drawers, reading my diary, wearing one of my bras over his shirt and asking me what having a period is like, and do tampons hurt. I was NOT HAPPY.

I think I would be put out if I was your sister. Is the 3yo really destructive? I have a 3yo and she is not like that at all. Is DD3 still in a cot? If not, sister could go in that room and two girls in each of other rooms.

I was a little like this when I was younger, and my brother was marginally worse. Both of us had our own rooms but had utterly random little possessions, e.g. plastic frogs, foil stickers, that had to be organised in exactly a certain way at all times. Brother also had to have certain things, e.g. rug lined up exactly parallel with side of bed. This went on for quite a few yaers to the best of my recollection.

Not entirely sure why we did this at all as (a) we were complete slobs in every other regard (clothes on floor, books spilling out everywhere, bed unmade etc) and (b) our family was very happy and chilled.

I think the reason was perhaps trying to exert a degree of control over life and in particular a general fear of bad things happening, e.g. worry that dad might get killed in car accident whilst out at work. Sort of superstition taken that extra step in a child like way - if these things are all kept okay, then everything else will be kept okay. Not that mad when you think about the number of utterly random superstitions which adults have especially when you think at your daughter's age she's beginning to realise that bad things can happen in a real world way.

Not sure this helps at all except to say that we grew out of it and my therapist says that I'll be able to start the social integration process by the end of the year, sorry, I mean, I'm sure it's nothing too weird or OCD like, just one of those kid things that they grow out of.

on amore practical note try freecycling for some of the furniture. my friend got a brand new high sleeper for free. she spent an afternoon with DD painting her wardrobes to match and got her moved into her new room for the price of paint and carpet.

i have to admit my brother was like this. he still is but it's under control. he used to freak if someone moved his cds. i must confess that while the rest of the house is a hovel my bookshelves are scarily neat with books going from large to small, left to right according to author. did i mention that i must have the whole collection of any author and it peeves me when people but me paperbacks when all the books i have by a certain author are hard backs??? i have been known to exchange them at the bookshop "because it spoils the line".... i sound quite mad

I can understnad her not wanting to share with a 3 yr old, irrespective of her tidyness ishoos!! 3 yr olds do wreck things (I know I have one) and tend not to listen when they are told not to touch something...in fact in my experience they are more likely to touch something if you tell them not to

I also don't think it's unreasonable to expect your sister to share with her 3 yr old. Whats wrong with that? We spent Easter weekend with friends whose girls are the same age as our boys (3 and 4/5) and although they said the boys could share with the girls if they wanted to, we chose to have them in our room so that all the children would sleep well and therefore have a nice day the next day without grumpy horrible children. If they shared they would mess around at bedtime/wake each other up early.

I wish I had the tidyness ishoo or more to the point I wish DH and the DS's had it...no chance of keeping things as I want them in this house!